Demons in My Head
Viewing comments for Chapter 2 "The Proposal"A young woman's struggle with mental illness.
8 total reviews
Comment from giraffmang
Hi there,
Good job with this instalment. Vivid but not overly so
a dozen of beautiful long stem roses.- delete 'of' here and you could say long-stemmed roses.
"Aren't the stars beautiful, tonight," she says. - this could maybe do with a question mark.
"I love it, John." Hoping out of the car, - Hopping.
You may want to come up with another variant for 'bulge'.
feeling her warm fingers wrap around his manhood he moans. - this is a run on at the end. use a full stop or even a semi-colon here.
reply by the author on 02-Sep-2017
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Hi there,
Good job with this instalment. Vivid but not overly so
a dozen of beautiful long stem roses.- delete 'of' here and you could say long-stemmed roses.
"Aren't the stars beautiful, tonight," she says. - this could maybe do with a question mark.
"I love it, John." Hoping out of the car, - Hopping.
You may want to come up with another variant for 'bulge'.
feeling her warm fingers wrap around his manhood he moans. - this is a run on at the end. use a full stop or even a semi-colon here.
Comment Written 02-Sep-2017
reply by the author on 02-Sep-2017
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Thank you for your nice review. Getting a good job from you means a lot to me, more than you know. Thank you so much for your helpful suggestions they're always appreciated. Take care.
Comment from Ric Myworld
I should have to waited until tonight to read this story. Reading it early in the morning is going to make for a long day if I can't get the ending half out of my mind. LOL! Thanks for sharing.
Oh, there's just one thing that I thought I might bring up. Back at the restaurant, when you said the fiddler came out to play, I was wondering if maybe the violinist might be more appropriate for the occasion? I mean, I'm a good ol' country boy who might prefer a little "Turkey in the straw" or "The Devil went down to Georgia" played by a fiddler as I kick up my heals, but a violinist playing The Blue Danube might be more appropriate. :-)
reply by the author on 30-Aug-2017
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I should have to waited until tonight to read this story. Reading it early in the morning is going to make for a long day if I can't get the ending half out of my mind. LOL! Thanks for sharing.
Oh, there's just one thing that I thought I might bring up. Back at the restaurant, when you said the fiddler came out to play, I was wondering if maybe the violinist might be more appropriate for the occasion? I mean, I'm a good ol' country boy who might prefer a little "Turkey in the straw" or "The Devil went down to Georgia" played by a fiddler as I kick up my heals, but a violinist playing The Blue Danube might be more appropriate. :-)
Comment Written 30-Aug-2017
reply by the author on 30-Aug-2017
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Thank you for your nice review. I'm sorry that the scene got stuck in your head, lol. I'll pre warn you next time.
Thank you so much for all of your reviews and your continuous support, take care.
Oh, and the idea about the violin would be much better, more romantic. Although I'm in awe of anyone who can play either of the songs you mentioned.
Comment from apky
What a very romantic and steamy chapter here. This time I found no spags or anything else that I could comment on.
You did a great job here.
Keep it up.
reply by the author on 30-Aug-2017
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What a very romantic and steamy chapter here. This time I found no spags or anything else that I could comment on.
You did a great job here.
Keep it up.
Comment Written 30-Aug-2017
reply by the author on 30-Aug-2017
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Thank you so much for your fantastic review. Coming from you, the sultry chapter queen it means so much to me. Of course, it's your writing that helped me put it together.
Thank you so much for your fabulous review and your continued support, take care.
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Oh, Misty. You make me feel so honoured. To think that little old me could influence a fellow writer is just mind-blowing.
Thanks an ocean.
Comment from hvysmker
She has on a long blue gown that hangs just off her shoulders, with a dainty pearl neckless dangling around her neck.
*** necklace
"Don't stop, oh, please don't stop, she moans spreading her legs out further.
*** Need closing quotes after the last "stop". Also another comma after "moans".
Oh! I'm shocked, Mistydawn. What if I were only eight years old? Oy, yeh. If that young I wouldn't know what was going on. A simple wrestling match.
A good post. I was waiting for the punch line. Things seemed to be going too well between them.
Charlie
reply by the author on 29-Aug-2017
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She has on a long blue gown that hangs just off her shoulders, with a dainty pearl neckless dangling around her neck.
*** necklace
"Don't stop, oh, please don't stop, she moans spreading her legs out further.
*** Need closing quotes after the last "stop". Also another comma after "moans".
Oh! I'm shocked, Mistydawn. What if I were only eight years old? Oy, yeh. If that young I wouldn't know what was going on. A simple wrestling match.
A good post. I was waiting for the punch line. Things seemed to be going too well between them.
Charlie
Comment Written 29-Aug-2017
reply by the author on 29-Aug-2017
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Thank you for your great review, and your helpful suggestions. Didn't think this violent person could write stuff like that? There is a warning on the chapter, right? there should've been. If not I better fix it wouldn't want to give sex ed to a small tike, not that they haven't seen worse on TV.
Thanks again for your review and for all your help and support, take care.
Oh, I learned something today, surprising, right? Did you know because can be either a preposition or a conjunction depending on how it's used? And Ferris is capitalized because it's named after its creator. You can hide ip addresses through a proxy or virtual private network software. I'm working on another story on the side, have to do something violent after all that romance stuff, lol.
Comment from Possummagic
What a great story. I haven't come across it before but I really liked it. You have a knack for making the reader feel like they are part of the story. Possibly this is due to your very descriptive words and phrases. Good luck. PM
reply by the author on 29-Aug-2017
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What a great story. I haven't come across it before but I really liked it. You have a knack for making the reader feel like they are part of the story. Possibly this is due to your very descriptive words and phrases. Good luck. PM
Comment Written 29-Aug-2017
reply by the author on 29-Aug-2017
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Thank you for your great review. You did read a chapter of this already, the prologue, you said it was a lot like the story you posted. I probably confused you because I went back did a prologue which caused you to read it out of order. Sorry for the confusion, I'm glad you like this chapter. take care.
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You're very welcome, I enjoyed it.
Comment from Alcreator Litt Dear
This speaks a long tale of proposal for marriage, very realistically and dramatically plotted with flavour of sex and romance, sensual feeling and enjoyment, John did it successfully; I liked.
reply by the author on 29-Aug-2017
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This speaks a long tale of proposal for marriage, very realistically and dramatically plotted with flavour of sex and romance, sensual feeling and enjoyment, John did it successfully; I liked.
Comment Written 29-Aug-2017
reply by the author on 29-Aug-2017
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Thank you for your nice review. I am so glad you enjoyed it. John worked hard to do it up right for his one true love for sure. Take care.
Comment from kathleenspalding
(pant, pant, LOL) Well written chapter certainly moves the story along. Easy to follow even though this is the first chapter of your book that I've read.
picky bits-
mom and dad - capitalize Mom and Dad
(He - He'd) thought (it's - it, or it was) only proper (if he asks - to ask) her parents for their blessing. (Because he'd already done it)
Flashback can be done in past tense.
Does she give the roses to her mom to put in water? (as is, she's still holding them)
...you'll follow me, sir(. - ,)" the owner says.
Suggest using past tense for the carnival flashback.
Katelyn excitedly (replies - different word as she's not replying, Katelyn exclaimed?),
The couple enjoys the fine dining and dancing until the wee morning hours.
(Maybe play with this to make it more active. Could make a nice paragraph.)
(")I thought this is more appropriate(,") she says...
stop(, - .)Oh,
That's it. Good luck with your book!
reply by the author on 29-Aug-2017
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(pant, pant, LOL) Well written chapter certainly moves the story along. Easy to follow even though this is the first chapter of your book that I've read.
picky bits-
mom and dad - capitalize Mom and Dad
(He - He'd) thought (it's - it, or it was) only proper (if he asks - to ask) her parents for their blessing. (Because he'd already done it)
Flashback can be done in past tense.
Does she give the roses to her mom to put in water? (as is, she's still holding them)
...you'll follow me, sir(. - ,)" the owner says.
Suggest using past tense for the carnival flashback.
Katelyn excitedly (replies - different word as she's not replying, Katelyn exclaimed?),
The couple enjoys the fine dining and dancing until the wee morning hours.
(Maybe play with this to make it more active. Could make a nice paragraph.)
(")I thought this is more appropriate(,") she says...
stop(, - .)Oh,
That's it. Good luck with your book!
Comment Written 29-Aug-2017
reply by the author on 29-Aug-2017
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Thank you for all your help and your nice review. I'll work on the fine dining part a little more. Thanks again for reading my story, and all your helpful suggestions, take care.
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You're welcome
Comment from Phyllis Stewart
Wow, racy stuff. Reads like one of those drugstore romance novels on the rack by checkout. Kate is a bit of a nut, though, so this can't end well.
reply by the author on 29-Aug-2017
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Wow, racy stuff. Reads like one of those drugstore romance novels on the rack by checkout. Kate is a bit of a nut, though, so this can't end well.
Comment Written 29-Aug-2017
reply by the author on 29-Aug-2017
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Thank you for your great review, you don't think it's too racy, do you? I'm still experimenting with the romance side of things and not to sure where to draw the line.
I think the ending will surprise you, at least I hope it will.
Thanks again for your kind review, take care.
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Not too racy at all. Just right, I think. You didn't need to use over-18 posting. :)
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Guess I need to review the guidelines.
