Demons in My Head
Viewing comments for Prologue "The Horror Begins"A young woman's struggle with mental illness.
10 total reviews
Comment from Brett Matthew West
Storyline opens with her bemoaning her responsibilities and provides enough action to move the tale along.
Several different directions you could travel this accounting in from this point forward.
reply by the author on 27-Aug-2017
  |
Storyline opens with her bemoaning her responsibilities and provides enough action to move the tale along.
Several different directions you could travel this accounting in from this point forward.
Comment Written 27-Aug-2017
reply by the author on 27-Aug-2017
-
Thank you for your nice review I'm glad you enjoyed this section, take care.
Comment from Sandra Stoner-Mitchell
That was really good. The tension, worry, fear, it was all there. Now she knows what's wrong with her daughter, the nightmare really gets going. Well done, I really enjoyed this. :) Sandra xx
reply by the author on 26-Aug-2017
|
That was really good. The tension, worry, fear, it was all there. Now she knows what's wrong with her daughter, the nightmare really gets going. Well done, I really enjoyed this. :) Sandra xx
Comment Written 26-Aug-2017
reply by the author on 26-Aug-2017
-
Thank you so much for your great review, I am so glad you enjoyed it. The next chapter ( chapter 2) Is a romantic scene between her and John. See chapter 1 was written before the prologue, The reviews had so many questions, I decided to go further back and add a prologue. Chapter 1 is how Katelyn and John met.
I hope I don't confuse anyone to bad writing it out of sequence.
Thanks again for your nice review, take care.
Comment from Ric Myworld
I'm sure there will be many who can relate to your story or have experienced some of the same issues with their children. Many of our systems are broke or as I usually say, "Are being run by people who are educated way past their intelligence." Thanks for sharing another fine chapter. :-)
(add) [remove]
--I hope that's not Katelin's school again.[, she thinks.]
{I noticed in your last story that you use "I think" at the end of a few of your sentences. A better way to show someone is thinking something is to just simply write what they are thinking in italics. Just a suggestion.
--Here goes nothing (in italics). [, she thinks,]
reply by the author on 26-Aug-2017
|
I'm sure there will be many who can relate to your story or have experienced some of the same issues with their children. Many of our systems are broke or as I usually say, "Are being run by people who are educated way past their intelligence." Thanks for sharing another fine chapter. :-)
(add) [remove]
--I hope that's not Katelin's school again.[, she thinks.]
{I noticed in your last story that you use "I think" at the end of a few of your sentences. A better way to show someone is thinking something is to just simply write what they are thinking in italics. Just a suggestion.
--Here goes nothing (in italics). [, she thinks,]
Comment Written 26-Aug-2017
reply by the author on 26-Aug-2017
-
Thank you for your great review. Educated past their intelligence is a good way to put it. My friend was hoping to open a few eyes, get some needed changes, maybe give hope, strength to suffering families. I hope I can do that for her.
Thanks again for your nice review, take care.
How's recovery going, you're not overdoing it, are you? Guess once a nurse always a nurse, that and I tend to mother everyone.
-
Of course, I'm doing much more than I'm supposed to, but it's served me well in life, so why change. Thanks for remembering, and taking time to ask. Those are the special things in life that keep us believing in good people. :-)
Comment from apky
The story is taking on nicely and moving forward. All you need here is consistency in tenses and name spellings, for example.
"What do you think it is, Mom?" Stan asks, glaring at Madelyn. ~ Madeline or Madelyn - decide on one and stick to it.
Katelyn was diagnosed with pyloric stenosis, a rare neuromuscular disorder that requires immediate surgery. ~ here you go to past tense, then revert back to present tense. You need to choose one tense and abide by it.
I hope that's not Katelin's school again, she thinks. Katelyn's principal calls every other week, wanting Madeline to pick up her disruptive daughter.~ Katelyn and Katelin - again choose one and stay with it thoughout.
"You can stick them up you're(your) a...."
I understand you're busy, but she tried to jump out of a second story window. We'll be right over.(")
reply by the author on 26-Aug-2017
|
The story is taking on nicely and moving forward. All you need here is consistency in tenses and name spellings, for example.
"What do you think it is, Mom?" Stan asks, glaring at Madelyn. ~ Madeline or Madelyn - decide on one and stick to it.
Katelyn was diagnosed with pyloric stenosis, a rare neuromuscular disorder that requires immediate surgery. ~ here you go to past tense, then revert back to present tense. You need to choose one tense and abide by it.
I hope that's not Katelin's school again, she thinks. Katelyn's principal calls every other week, wanting Madeline to pick up her disruptive daughter.~ Katelyn and Katelin - again choose one and stay with it thoughout.
"You can stick them up you're(your) a...."
I understand you're busy, but she tried to jump out of a second story window. We'll be right over.(")
Comment Written 26-Aug-2017
reply by the author on 26-Aug-2017
-
Thank you for your great review and all your helpful suggestions. I do have a question about one part, I hope you have time to help "Yes, this is Mrs. Howard. She threatened to hurt her classmates with a knife. Of course, I didn't know she had it. I know she's been disruptive before.
All past tense, but it refers to what's happened so how would you write that to make it correct.
I've had problems with tenses in the past, thought I was over it, but I seem to be regressing.
Thank you again for your reviews, your help, and continuous support, they're always greatly appreciated.
-
"Yes, this is Mrs. Howard. She threatened to hurt her classmates with a knife. Of course, I didn't know she had it. I know she's been disruptive before." ~ This is perfectly okay as you've done it; it has to be in the past tense because they're talking of something that has already happened.
Glad to help where I can. It's why we're all here to give each other a helping hand.
Have a great weekend.
Comment from Phyllis Stewart
Wow. How tragic. Poor kid. Poor family. THe father won't be able to deal with this. What do you do with a schizophrenic child? It's hard enough to treat adults.
reply by the author on 26-Aug-2017
|
Wow. How tragic. Poor kid. Poor family. THe father won't be able to deal with this. What do you do with a schizophrenic child? It's hard enough to treat adults.
Comment Written 26-Aug-2017
reply by the author on 26-Aug-2017
-
Thank you for your great review. The family struggles for years with her mental illness. The mother told me they take it one day at a time, celebrate the good days, work through the bad. Guess that's all any of us can do.
Thanks again for your great review and your support take care.
If I ever send in a question, you don't like, can't use, I won't get my feelings hurt if you don't use it.
Comment from Possummagic
OMG did you just read my story about Joey? This is a mirror image of my life with my son.
" Homelessness - a child's destiny" your recount is so familiar I really gave been there. God bless. Xx
reply by the author on 25-Aug-2017
|
OMG did you just read my story about Joey? This is a mirror image of my life with my son.
" Homelessness - a child's destiny" your recount is so familiar I really gave been there. God bless. Xx
Comment Written 25-Aug-2017
reply by the author on 25-Aug-2017
-
Thank you for the great review. Yes, I did read it and it does sound almost the same. They say that symptoms don't usually start to teens but I with your son and Katelyn going through the exact same thing I wonder if it doesn't start out as ADHS or ADHD like symptoms. I wonder how many others started that way.
I wish you all the best with your son, I know it has to be a daily struggle.
-
Thank you for the feedback. Well I can only say for us it is finally improving after 34 years.
Comment from robyn corum
MD,
Sounds like this one mother has much more going on than she can easily handle. Bless her soul! A nice lead-in to your story. Good luck with it.
I did see a few things that need you attention, if you don't mind?
1.) Things improve dramatically until she (learned) how to walk
2.) I'll give them something to punish me for. Running to the
3.) Madeline sees Mr. Hensley's (secretary), Betty standing at the door
4.) I bet her (principal) will have a lot to say,
5.) "The kids said she was running after them with a knife screaming, (')You're never going to hurt me again.('")
6.) Turning around, Katelyn gives her (principal) the bird.
Hope this helps! Good luck!
reply by the author on 25-Aug-2017
 |
MD,
Sounds like this one mother has much more going on than she can easily handle. Bless her soul! A nice lead-in to your story. Good luck with it.
I did see a few things that need you attention, if you don't mind?
1.) Things improve dramatically until she (learned) how to walk
2.) I'll give them something to punish me for. Running to the
3.) Madeline sees Mr. Hensley's (secretary), Betty standing at the door
4.) I bet her (principal) will have a lot to say,
5.) "The kids said she was running after them with a knife screaming, (')You're never going to hurt me again.('")
6.) Turning around, Katelyn gives her (principal) the bird.
Hope this helps! Good luck!
Comment Written 25-Aug-2017
reply by the author on 25-Aug-2017
-
Thank you so much for your fair review and all of your helpful suggestions. I really do appreciate them. I just wish I could figure out a better way to edit so there wouldn't be so many. Do you have any suggestions?
Thanks again for your review and all of your help, take care.
-
Misty,
I don't know if it's what you're looking for, but I like to post my work in 'preview' mode first, so that I can look it over top to bottom before anyone else sees it. It's an option in the Advanced Editor. Good luck!
Comment from hvysmker
"Yes, but nothing seems to help."
*** Did they try surgery? You didn't say.
Looking up from the wet pavement, Madeline gives her an evil glare.
*** Why the evil glare? It doesn't seem warranted.
"I...I..."
*** Nitpicking. "I ... I...." Four at the end of a sentence, the fourth is a period.
-------
Madeline spins back around, Katelyn trips over her own feet as her body swings sideways. "You know what you can do with your papers, don't you?"
"You can stick them up you're a...."
-----------
*** Either merge those sentences or take off the final quotation mark after "don't you?" Also, it should be "your" not "You're".
Shaking his head, Mr. Hensley walks to his office, his sectary follows behind him.
*** secretary
"The kids were going to hurt me, mommy, they told me so, they told me so," she cries.
*** I'd make that into two sentences?
Madeline wants to believe Katelyn, but she wasn't sure if she should, now that Katelyn's telling lies.
*** Isn't, not wasn't.
A few nights ago, she tries convincing Madelyn that her uncle was touching her in her private place.
*** Tried, not tries.
" Glancing at the clock she continues, "Meet me at the hospital around 6:30, we'll fill out her
*** Comma after "clock".
"Schizophrenia, no that can't be, not my Katelyn," Madeline exclaims, bursting into tears. Her family has grievously struggled with her brother's mental illness for years.
*** I should think that if her brother has it Madeline would recognize the symptoms?
"I'm sorry, honey, but that's what our tests show. I've even had another doctor confirm my diagnosis just to be sure."
*** Comma after "diagnosis"?
"What am I going to do now?" Madeline sobs, as her family's horror, replays in her mind.
*** I'd lose that last comma?
Either something is wrong with my editor or you're using a larger font size for thoughts. If so, it is distracting. Maybe use italics?
reply by the author on 25-Aug-2017
|
"Yes, but nothing seems to help."
*** Did they try surgery? You didn't say.
Looking up from the wet pavement, Madeline gives her an evil glare.
*** Why the evil glare? It doesn't seem warranted.
"I...I..."
*** Nitpicking. "I ... I...." Four at the end of a sentence, the fourth is a period.
-------
Madeline spins back around, Katelyn trips over her own feet as her body swings sideways. "You know what you can do with your papers, don't you?"
"You can stick them up you're a...."
-----------
*** Either merge those sentences or take off the final quotation mark after "don't you?" Also, it should be "your" not "You're".
Shaking his head, Mr. Hensley walks to his office, his sectary follows behind him.
*** secretary
"The kids were going to hurt me, mommy, they told me so, they told me so," she cries.
*** I'd make that into two sentences?
Madeline wants to believe Katelyn, but she wasn't sure if she should, now that Katelyn's telling lies.
*** Isn't, not wasn't.
A few nights ago, she tries convincing Madelyn that her uncle was touching her in her private place.
*** Tried, not tries.
" Glancing at the clock she continues, "Meet me at the hospital around 6:30, we'll fill out her
*** Comma after "clock".
"Schizophrenia, no that can't be, not my Katelyn," Madeline exclaims, bursting into tears. Her family has grievously struggled with her brother's mental illness for years.
*** I should think that if her brother has it Madeline would recognize the symptoms?
"I'm sorry, honey, but that's what our tests show. I've even had another doctor confirm my diagnosis just to be sure."
*** Comma after "diagnosis"?
"What am I going to do now?" Madeline sobs, as her family's horror, replays in her mind.
*** I'd lose that last comma?
Either something is wrong with my editor or you're using a larger font size for thoughts. If so, it is distracting. Maybe use italics?
Comment Written 25-Aug-2017
reply by the author on 25-Aug-2017
-
Thank you for your helpful review. I do have a couple of questions,
You said merge these two? Madeline says the first, Katelyn the second that's why she's being scolded. So should I bring the you can stick up?
Madeline spins back around, Katelyn trips over her own feet as her body swings sideways. "You know what you can do with your papers, don't you?" "You can stick them up you're a...."
Surgery for hyperactivity?
It must be your editor because I've used italics on all thoughts.
explanations,
the evil glare I meant to change the part above to warrant that. It now says no, don't call the police I'll be right there.
Thanks again for all your help, take care.
-
On the merging, I thought it was the same speaker.
"You know what you can do with your papers, don't you? You can stick them up you're a...."
I thought you mentioned surgery near the top of the page.
It could be my editor. That's why I worded it that way. On my copy, that came up as a larger font, not italics. I've had problems with it before.
Charlie
-
Katelyn had surgery for her stomach problem when she was an infant. What editor do you use? I need something to help with all my darned mistakes.
-
I don't think mine would help much. It's a Linux editor ( I haven't used Microfool for ten or twelve years ) called gedit. I also use one called mousepad. There are many free ones out there for all systems. Try a Google. use them because they're simpler that a word processer.
Charlie
Comment from Sandra du Plessis
A very well-written sad chapter. It is hard when o ur children have an incurable disease or condition that makes them acting strangely and we hate to see them suffer.
reply by the author on 25-Aug-2017
|
A very well-written sad chapter. It is hard when o ur children have an incurable disease or condition that makes them acting strangely and we hate to see them suffer.
Comment Written 25-Aug-2017
reply by the author on 25-Aug-2017
-
Thank you so much for your wonderful review. Madeline did go through a lot with Katelyn, of course, Stan wasn't any help.
Thanks again for reading my story, take care.
Comment from aryr
You did rather well with this. You provided great descriptive details in regards to Madeline's plight as well as Katelyn's diagnosis of 'Schizophrenia'. You also show Stan for his true nature as a non involved father figure. It was an excellent portrait of the struggles of a young mother with a heavy burden to bear. Great job, thanks.
reply by the author on 25-Aug-2017
|
You did rather well with this. You provided great descriptive details in regards to Madeline's plight as well as Katelyn's diagnosis of 'Schizophrenia'. You also show Stan for his true nature as a non involved father figure. It was an excellent portrait of the struggles of a young mother with a heavy burden to bear. Great job, thanks.
Comment Written 25-Aug-2017
reply by the author on 25-Aug-2017
-
Thank you so much, I worked hard on the description, of course, I have you and your great stories helped a lot.
Thanks for a wonderful review and all of your help and support, take care.
-
You are very welcome, you take care as well.
