Dinner at eight don't be late
A couple are falling in. Love what will happen?12 total reviews
Comment from jenintorre
The story held my interest till the end but I felt the ending was inconclusive or maybe I am a bit thick. Luckily I did not read the description of the story until I had read it as I think this was too much information. I do like your writing style.
reply by the author on 29-Aug-2017
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The story held my interest till the end but I felt the ending was inconclusive or maybe I am a bit thick. Luckily I did not read the description of the story until I had read it as I think this was too much information. I do like your writing style.
Comment Written 29-Aug-2017
reply by the author on 29-Aug-2017
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Thank you for your feedback.
Comment from Laine Carson
Awesome ending! I love the humor there. I like that the secret was an unexpected one, coming out at an unexpected time. I really enjoyed reading your story.
reply by the author on 24-Aug-2017
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Awesome ending! I love the humor there. I like that the secret was an unexpected one, coming out at an unexpected time. I really enjoyed reading your story.
Comment Written 24-Aug-2017
reply by the author on 24-Aug-2017
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Thank you for your feedback.
Comment from JDRBAR
Fairly well written. Being in witness protection would be a good secret, but she didn't react to it as a normal person would. And, suggesting "your place or mine" suggests the opposite of what was said earlier about waiting for marriage. You have to show or tell how these actions changed.
reply by the author on 21-Aug-2017
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Fairly well written. Being in witness protection would be a good secret, but she didn't react to it as a normal person would. And, suggesting "your place or mine" suggests the opposite of what was said earlier about waiting for marriage. You have to show or tell how these actions changed.
Comment Written 21-Aug-2017
reply by the author on 21-Aug-2017
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Thanks for your feedback.
Comment from Meia (MESAYERS)
" Well, I guess we should go somewhere private, to discuss where we go from here." I suggested. "Yes, I agree." Replied Bradley , still wearing that loving smile. " Your place or mine?" "Waiter, bill please!" I loved your write and the touches of humour. I saw no errors and enjoyed it very much. A worthy competition entry. kindest regards Meia x
reply by the author on 21-Aug-2017
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" Well, I guess we should go somewhere private, to discuss where we go from here." I suggested. "Yes, I agree." Replied Bradley , still wearing that loving smile. " Your place or mine?" "Waiter, bill please!" I loved your write and the touches of humour. I saw no errors and enjoyed it very much. A worthy competition entry. kindest regards Meia x
Comment Written 21-Aug-2017
reply by the author on 21-Aug-2017
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Thank you so much for your feedback. It is much appreciated.
Comment from frierajac
I read the ending of this briefly a day ago. It looked like a good read so I just came back. I wasn't disappointed. It is quite clear and follows the required format in a precise way.
reply by the author on 21-Aug-2017
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I read the ending of this briefly a day ago. It looked like a good read so I just came back. I wasn't disappointed. It is quite clear and follows the required format in a precise way.
Comment Written 21-Aug-2017
reply by the author on 21-Aug-2017
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Thank you for coming back to read it. Thanks for the review.
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Thank you for coming back to read it. Thanks for the review.
Comment from sunnilicious
That story sure unfolded into a surprise. Are people in witness protection allowed to tell other people... That seems to defeat a purpose for protection. I like a good love story. Dating, love, sex, marriage and designer perfume. Nice work. Good luck in the contest :)
reply by the author on 20-Aug-2017
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That story sure unfolded into a surprise. Are people in witness protection allowed to tell other people... That seems to defeat a purpose for protection. I like a good love story. Dating, love, sex, marriage and designer perfume. Nice work. Good luck in the contest :)
Comment Written 20-Aug-2017
reply by the author on 20-Aug-2017
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No they aren't supposed to tell people but that's the whole purpose of meeting to talk. He has to leave and very quickly. He's fallen in love and is taking a chance in asking her to go with him. If she says no, he's leaving the next day anyway. Thanks for the feedback.
Comment from emptypage
Well, he certainly must have panicked at the thought that she "knew" what he was going to say. I would have, for sure.
Interesting story, with a secret I'm betting not many people will guess or use ever, LOL.
Good luck.
reply by the author on 19-Aug-2017
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Well, he certainly must have panicked at the thought that she "knew" what he was going to say. I would have, for sure.
Interesting story, with a secret I'm betting not many people will guess or use ever, LOL.
Good luck.
Comment Written 18-Aug-2017
reply by the author on 19-Aug-2017
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Thank you for the review.
Comment from Phyllis Stewart
Oh, what a dilemma. He should have told her MUCH sooner. Now she loves him and it will be a harder choice. I would NOT go with him... too dangerous. There are criminals looking for him and they will kill him ... and YOU too if they find him.
reply by the author on 18-Aug-2017
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Oh, what a dilemma. He should have told her MUCH sooner. Now she loves him and it will be a harder choice. I would NOT go with him... too dangerous. There are criminals looking for him and they will kill him ... and YOU too if they find him.
Comment Written 18-Aug-2017
reply by the author on 18-Aug-2017
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Hahaha I really got you into the story didn't I? Thank you for the feedback.😊
Comment from gene roush
This is well drawn, with great tension throughout, and a nice twist at the end.
There a few editing things to look at:
'Oh Marie' I thought 'give yourself a break, he's probably going to tell me, he can't see me anymore'
"A ring." Evie and Kim chorused. (New paragraph)
'oh I doubt it' I coloured slightly. I didn't want to prematurely think about a ring, or guessing that he might ask me to marry him
No sooner had we sat down when Bradley started to talk about their relationship and how they had become quite close to each other. The switch to third person here is awkward.
This was a fun read. Thanks for sharing
Gene
reply by the author on 17-Aug-2017
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This is well drawn, with great tension throughout, and a nice twist at the end.
There a few editing things to look at:
'Oh Marie' I thought 'give yourself a break, he's probably going to tell me, he can't see me anymore'
"A ring." Evie and Kim chorused. (New paragraph)
'oh I doubt it' I coloured slightly. I didn't want to prematurely think about a ring, or guessing that he might ask me to marry him
No sooner had we sat down when Bradley started to talk about their relationship and how they had become quite close to each other. The switch to third person here is awkward.
This was a fun read. Thanks for sharing
Gene
Comment Written 17-Aug-2017
reply by the author on 17-Aug-2017
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Thank you for your feedback
Comment from robyn corum
Dear Mystery Author,
This was definitely an unusual post. *smile* You held me in suspense the whole way through. I couldn't imagine what the secret surprise might be. haha! I would NEVER have guessed that! Nice job.
BUT -- I also noticed several nits that I have pointed out with notes below. I hope you won't mind, since that's what we're here for, to help each other. (??)
It seems to me that most of your issues revolve around conversational punctuation. That may be something to look into more closely? There are all kinds of web sites that can offer quick tips and the common rules. Just look up 'punctuating conversations or speech'.
Here are your notes:
1.) 'Oh Marie(,)' I thought(.) '(G)ive yourself a break(. H)e's probably going to tell me, he can't see me anymore(.)'
--> notice how you period fell onto the next line and delete it, please.
2.) Several of your sentences are run-on. They should be separated into two different ones. (Like above, for example.)
3.) "What's the occasion(?)" Evie inquired(.)
--> some sort of punctuation comes BEFORE the quotation marks
4.) date tonight, and I don't really know what to expect(,)" I replied.
--> when the sentence includes a speech tag, use a comma so that it's included in the same sentence. ('speech tags' are phrases like 'she said', 'he inquired', 'she asked', etc.)
5.) "A ring(,)" Evie and Kim chorused. ("O)h(,) I doubt it(.") I/reddened.
--> comma before the speech tag in the first part and then appropriate punctuation in the second part.
--> Also remember that a new person talking means a new paragraph. The 'oh, I doubt it...' should be in a new paragraph.
6.) I didn't want to prematurely think about a ring, or (guess) that he might ask me to marry him.
--> keep your verb tenses the same in a sentence, please
--> also, since she's ALREADY been doing this, I might add something like 'more than I already was.' (??)
7.) "We'll see(.)" I was clearly evasive, and changed
--> here, the speech phrase stands alone so a period is required. 'I was...' starts a new sentence.
8.) "I left the salon feeling like a million dollars
--> delete the quote mark at the beginning, please
9.) "I left the salon feeling like a million dollars(.) I was feeling so excited.
--> this is two sentences. Please consider deleting the second 'feeling' since you've already used that phrase AND it's not really needed.
10.) I laid out my favourite lingerie on the bed(:) a lovely black bra and matching panties, a garter belt with silk stockings and under slip completed my undergarments.
--> you can actually put a period after 'under slip', since the 'completed my undergarments' is not needed. UNLESS you start a new sentence with 'A garter belt...'
11.) Reaching into my "special" wardrobe,"I selected a slinky black number
--> the quote mark isn't needed here.
12.) in his navy coloured jumper and it highlighted (his) blonde hair
13.) No sooner had (we) sat down when Bradley started to talk about (our) relationship and how (we) had
--> you've changed POV. You jumped into third person from first person. Keep to one, please.
14.) "(no space)But how can you know, when I only found out this morning(?)"
15.) over the past twelve months," Bradley started, (")and I'd like us to get closer still."
16.) "(B)ut I'm in witness protection, indefinitely and I need to move on(.) I'd like you to go with me."
17.) (')Well he had me fooled(.) I'd never have guessed he was (g)oing to say that!
--> since this is your thoughts, you need to punctuate differently so that peopl won't mistake this for conversation spoken aloud. Just use a single quote mark in this case.
--> also, the last line of your piece can be added to this same paragraph. It's one the same topic and it's the same person talking.
18.) I suppose I'll have to make a decision.(')
19.) It seems like she might be a little happier, since this is, in a way, what she wanted -- a life together - just not the way she had planned. Tell us how she feels about this idea, maybe...?
Other than the above nits, the piece has good bones. With a bit of editing, you should have a much nicer and more pleasing post. (IMO -- which matters for NOTHING!) hahaha!
Finally, did you realize that while you are creating a new post you can save it in 'preview' mode first, so that you are the only one who gets to look at it. That way you can work on it and get the 'kinks' out (or as many as possible) before anyone
takes a peek. (I think this is only available in the Advanced Editor, but certainly my favorite way to post.)
Thanks for sharing and good luck! Please know that you are perfectly welcome to use my comments or discard them, as you wish! *smile* Have a great week!
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 17-Aug-2017
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Dear Mystery Author,
This was definitely an unusual post. *smile* You held me in suspense the whole way through. I couldn't imagine what the secret surprise might be. haha! I would NEVER have guessed that! Nice job.
BUT -- I also noticed several nits that I have pointed out with notes below. I hope you won't mind, since that's what we're here for, to help each other. (??)
It seems to me that most of your issues revolve around conversational punctuation. That may be something to look into more closely? There are all kinds of web sites that can offer quick tips and the common rules. Just look up 'punctuating conversations or speech'.
Here are your notes:
1.) 'Oh Marie(,)' I thought(.) '(G)ive yourself a break(. H)e's probably going to tell me, he can't see me anymore(.)'
--> notice how you period fell onto the next line and delete it, please.
2.) Several of your sentences are run-on. They should be separated into two different ones. (Like above, for example.)
3.) "What's the occasion(?)" Evie inquired(.)
--> some sort of punctuation comes BEFORE the quotation marks
4.) date tonight, and I don't really know what to expect(,)" I replied.
--> when the sentence includes a speech tag, use a comma so that it's included in the same sentence. ('speech tags' are phrases like 'she said', 'he inquired', 'she asked', etc.)
5.) "A ring(,)" Evie and Kim chorused. ("O)h(,) I doubt it(.") I/reddened.
--> comma before the speech tag in the first part and then appropriate punctuation in the second part.
--> Also remember that a new person talking means a new paragraph. The 'oh, I doubt it...' should be in a new paragraph.
6.) I didn't want to prematurely think about a ring, or (guess) that he might ask me to marry him.
--> keep your verb tenses the same in a sentence, please
--> also, since she's ALREADY been doing this, I might add something like 'more than I already was.' (??)
7.) "We'll see(.)" I was clearly evasive, and changed
--> here, the speech phrase stands alone so a period is required. 'I was...' starts a new sentence.
8.) "I left the salon feeling like a million dollars
--> delete the quote mark at the beginning, please
9.) "I left the salon feeling like a million dollars(.) I was feeling so excited.
--> this is two sentences. Please consider deleting the second 'feeling' since you've already used that phrase AND it's not really needed.
10.) I laid out my favourite lingerie on the bed(:) a lovely black bra and matching panties, a garter belt with silk stockings and under slip completed my undergarments.
--> you can actually put a period after 'under slip', since the 'completed my undergarments' is not needed. UNLESS you start a new sentence with 'A garter belt...'
11.) Reaching into my "special" wardrobe,"I selected a slinky black number
--> the quote mark isn't needed here.
12.) in his navy coloured jumper and it highlighted (his) blonde hair
13.) No sooner had (we) sat down when Bradley started to talk about (our) relationship and how (we) had
--> you've changed POV. You jumped into third person from first person. Keep to one, please.
14.) "(no space)But how can you know, when I only found out this morning(?)"
15.) over the past twelve months," Bradley started, (")and I'd like us to get closer still."
16.) "(B)ut I'm in witness protection, indefinitely and I need to move on(.) I'd like you to go with me."
17.) (')Well he had me fooled(.) I'd never have guessed he was (g)oing to say that!
--> since this is your thoughts, you need to punctuate differently so that peopl won't mistake this for conversation spoken aloud. Just use a single quote mark in this case.
--> also, the last line of your piece can be added to this same paragraph. It's one the same topic and it's the same person talking.
18.) I suppose I'll have to make a decision.(')
19.) It seems like she might be a little happier, since this is, in a way, what she wanted -- a life together - just not the way she had planned. Tell us how she feels about this idea, maybe...?
Other than the above nits, the piece has good bones. With a bit of editing, you should have a much nicer and more pleasing post. (IMO -- which matters for NOTHING!) hahaha!
Finally, did you realize that while you are creating a new post you can save it in 'preview' mode first, so that you are the only one who gets to look at it. That way you can work on it and get the 'kinks' out (or as many as possible) before anyone
takes a peek. (I think this is only available in the Advanced Editor, but certainly my favorite way to post.)
Thanks for sharing and good luck! Please know that you are perfectly welcome to use my comments or discard them, as you wish! *smile* Have a great week!
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 17-Aug-2017
reply by the author on 17-Aug-2017
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I've printed this feedback off and will reedit it tomorrow at a decent hour. Thank you for your feedback.
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I have taken your advice and edited my work. I've ended it a little differently, taking into account a huge announcement had just been made. Thank you so much for your feedback.
