Perennials of War
Viewing comments for Chapter 33 "Chapter Zehn part drei"Is Anderson a gallant knight? Can he recover Shan
43 total reviews
Comment from Just A. Pretense
It might be a very small detail, but I love the German numbering on chapters! I also loved this new portion of your story! The following are a few suggested changes to make your piece even stronger.
To the best of my ability[,] I will make sure no harm comes to her physically or emotionally." -needs a comma, prepositional phrase at the beginning
"Emily's my princess[,] and I understand a father's love and concern for his daughter. -needs a comma, coordinating conjunction
Emily folded her arms over her chest[,] and her lips formed a pout. -coordinating conjunction
"Mommy says daddy's too rich for his own good[,] and he needs to share it with her. -coordinating conjunction
Drew has been more than generous with money[,] and she doesn't live in the slums -coordinating conjunction
"When Drew returns, he's going to call Kuznetsov and ask[] him to kindly return the painting to its rightful owners." -wrong conjugation
It's not landing, [is it]? -switcharoo
reply by the author on 29-Jun-2017
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It might be a very small detail, but I love the German numbering on chapters! I also loved this new portion of your story! The following are a few suggested changes to make your piece even stronger.
To the best of my ability[,] I will make sure no harm comes to her physically or emotionally." -needs a comma, prepositional phrase at the beginning
"Emily's my princess[,] and I understand a father's love and concern for his daughter. -needs a comma, coordinating conjunction
Emily folded her arms over her chest[,] and her lips formed a pout. -coordinating conjunction
"Mommy says daddy's too rich for his own good[,] and he needs to share it with her. -coordinating conjunction
Drew has been more than generous with money[,] and she doesn't live in the slums -coordinating conjunction
"When Drew returns, he's going to call Kuznetsov and ask[] him to kindly return the painting to its rightful owners." -wrong conjugation
It's not landing, [is it]? -switcharoo
Comment Written 29-Jun-2017
reply by the author on 29-Jun-2017
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Thank you so much for the help. I struggle, as you can tell, with commas. Those little things drive me crazy.
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Any time! Commas are tricky, and the rules change from time to time and style to style. Thank you so much for the nomination!
Comment from Sis Cat
Barbara, what stood out for me in this chapter is Anderson's wealth. I paused a moment to think, "he has a helicopter?" The characters continue:
"I know he's rich and important, but he' really a down to Earth person; just the boy-next-door."
"Except with hundreds of thousands of dollars," said Shana. "I'm sure he makes more in a week than I do in a month."
"It's more like billions of dollars and..."
There is a bit of a voyeuristic quality in your story of watching how the top one percent lives. Many people aspire to such wealth in which the least of their concerns is the provenance and ownership of a valuable painting. Your characters do not seem like boy-next-door types that many of us will ever meet. I found it a bit incredulous that Shana, staying in his penthouse and riding in his helicopter, did not know he was wealthy:
"Wow! I had no idea," interrupted Shana with raised eyebrows.
Your novel reminds me of musicals like My Fair Lady and movies like Pretty women in which women are plucked off of streets and are transformed to princesses. We'll see how the romance evolves.
Your novel moves towards Anderson's gambit to retrieve the painting simply by asking for it. I feel this idea will not flow smoothly. I guess I have to wait and see what happens next.
Thank you for sharing.
reply by the author on 29-Jun-2017
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Barbara, what stood out for me in this chapter is Anderson's wealth. I paused a moment to think, "he has a helicopter?" The characters continue:
"I know he's rich and important, but he' really a down to Earth person; just the boy-next-door."
"Except with hundreds of thousands of dollars," said Shana. "I'm sure he makes more in a week than I do in a month."
"It's more like billions of dollars and..."
There is a bit of a voyeuristic quality in your story of watching how the top one percent lives. Many people aspire to such wealth in which the least of their concerns is the provenance and ownership of a valuable painting. Your characters do not seem like boy-next-door types that many of us will ever meet. I found it a bit incredulous that Shana, staying in his penthouse and riding in his helicopter, did not know he was wealthy:
"Wow! I had no idea," interrupted Shana with raised eyebrows.
Your novel reminds me of musicals like My Fair Lady and movies like Pretty women in which women are plucked off of streets and are transformed to princesses. We'll see how the romance evolves.
Your novel moves towards Anderson's gambit to retrieve the painting simply by asking for it. I feel this idea will not flow smoothly. I guess I have to wait and see what happens next.
Thank you for sharing.
Comment Written 29-Jun-2017
reply by the author on 29-Jun-2017
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It won't flow smoothly. LOL Shana knew Anderson was rich, but didn't understand exactly how rich is rich. LOL Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from Alcreator Litt Dear
This speaks returning the stolen relics to the right person at last and the arrangement is going on and some wrongdoings or allegations made to someone else is to get solved; I liked.
reply by the author on 29-Jun-2017
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This speaks returning the stolen relics to the right person at last and the arrangement is going on and some wrongdoings or allegations made to someone else is to get solved; I liked.
Comment Written 28-Jun-2017
reply by the author on 29-Jun-2017
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Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from bmethner
The story flows so smoothly as it unfolds adding to the drama of the situation. I love the use of humor in all you need is a rock, a sling slot and God. The characters are all believable and the situation relatable. This makes for good writing. I enjoyed reading it.
reply by the author on 29-Jun-2017
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The story flows so smoothly as it unfolds adding to the drama of the situation. I love the use of humor in all you need is a rock, a sling slot and God. The characters are all believable and the situation relatable. This makes for good writing. I enjoyed reading it.
Comment Written 28-Jun-2017
reply by the author on 29-Jun-2017
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Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from smudge
A very professional chapter. It is well written and interesting. The writing flows as good writing should. The story is character led and the conversation reinforces this.
reply by the author on 29-Jun-2017
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A very professional chapter. It is well written and interesting. The writing flows as good writing should. The story is character led and the conversation reinforces this.
Comment Written 28-Jun-2017
reply by the author on 29-Jun-2017
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Thank you for the encouraging review.
Comment from nancy_e_davis
He's even sent men [to or from?]Peoria, Illinois to snoop around.
I believe there is a missing word in that sentence. Which one?
Great chapter my friend. Interesting story and great page turner at the end. Nancy
reply by the author on 29-Jun-2017
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He's even sent men [to or from?]Peoria, Illinois to snoop around.
I believe there is a missing word in that sentence. Which one?
Great chapter my friend. Interesting story and great page turner at the end. Nancy
Comment Written 28-Jun-2017
reply by the author on 29-Jun-2017
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Nobody else caught that. Thank you.
Comment from BlueTiger
Great job. Your story is intriguing, with lots of detail but not so much that it weighs the story down. I think you ended this chapter on a good hook; I'm looking forward to seeing what comes next. Nice work!
-Blue
reply by the author on 29-Jun-2017
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Great job. Your story is intriguing, with lots of detail but not so much that it weighs the story down. I think you ended this chapter on a good hook; I'm looking forward to seeing what comes next. Nice work!
-Blue
Comment Written 28-Jun-2017
reply by the author on 29-Jun-2017
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Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from mbroyles2
I love the addition of Emily. She is so sweet and innocent. She adds a nice touch to a room full of adults.
Love the way you ended the chapter with a major cliffhanger.
Really well done!
Michael
reply by the author on 29-Jun-2017
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I love the addition of Emily. She is so sweet and innocent. She adds a nice touch to a room full of adults.
Love the way you ended the chapter with a major cliffhanger.
Really well done!
Michael
Comment Written 28-Jun-2017
reply by the author on 29-Jun-2017
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Thank you for the encouragement.
Comment from Dolly'sPoems
Doing the right thing and letting honesty prevail, cuts through all social classes whether they are rich or poor, a thought provoking write with wise sentiments, love Dolly x
reply by the author on 29-Jun-2017
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Doing the right thing and letting honesty prevail, cuts through all social classes whether they are rich or poor, a thought provoking write with wise sentiments, love Dolly x
Comment Written 28-Jun-2017
reply by the author on 29-Jun-2017
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Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from giraffmang
Hi Barbara,
Another good entry into this story. we find out Anderson's worth and the exchanges between the group are clear and good.
"My dear," - I would probably use the dash here to signify the interruption by Emily rather than the comma.
but he' really a down to Earth person - he really is or he's really.
He's even sent men Peoria, Illinois to snoop around - sent men to?
reply by the author on 29-Jun-2017
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Hi Barbara,
Another good entry into this story. we find out Anderson's worth and the exchanges between the group are clear and good.
"My dear," - I would probably use the dash here to signify the interruption by Emily rather than the comma.
but he' really a down to Earth person - he really is or he's really.
He's even sent men Peoria, Illinois to snoop around - sent men to?
Comment Written 28-Jun-2017
reply by the author on 29-Jun-2017
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Sometimes I wonder where those missing letters or words go. I swear they used to be there. LOL Thank you for the help.
