Sketches of a Deceitful Town
Viewing comments for Chapter 2 "Empty Arms"Pretty town, ugly truths
12 total reviews
Comment from Jumbo J
Hi Ingrid,
can't believe it... this is my third attempt and hopefully the last of this review. Maybe fat fingers and hitting wrong keys... but two times?
Anyway... here goes. I didn't think this story was going to my cup of tea... and not sure if it was the name Molly that was doing it... but regardless, I did get into this story. I too stumbled at 'write' opposed to writer, but I believe, write is acceptable and sort of keeps with the vein and the style of this story and your writing... so would I have caved and changed it because of a couple... nah!
And may I say, how refreshing to actually read a chapter, instead of those short snippets one usually gets... I think people get caught up in the... 'I must try and get the most fake dollars I can attitude' that makes the write/writer feel as no one will review them if the story's too long..., thus the trickle-down effect of that being short 'non' chapters being posted.
No matter, I found this story to be well written and something I would definitely want to continue reading... once the 'meat' of the story came to bear I was totally hooked.
Well done I say, (well except for that grating name, Molly.) Can't tell you why. My sister used to call a few of her pets that name and even then it turned my brows to a grimace... maybe a past life thing?
So you know this review was nothing like my previous two, but that's how it goes, just know I enjoyed the read,(which I actually thought, I was not going to)... one can never tell until the magic happens, hey?
With our thoughts we create,
confirmation to one's suspicions.
James vx's.
reply by the author on 30-May-2017
  |
Hi Ingrid,
can't believe it... this is my third attempt and hopefully the last of this review. Maybe fat fingers and hitting wrong keys... but two times?
Anyway... here goes. I didn't think this story was going to my cup of tea... and not sure if it was the name Molly that was doing it... but regardless, I did get into this story. I too stumbled at 'write' opposed to writer, but I believe, write is acceptable and sort of keeps with the vein and the style of this story and your writing... so would I have caved and changed it because of a couple... nah!
And may I say, how refreshing to actually read a chapter, instead of those short snippets one usually gets... I think people get caught up in the... 'I must try and get the most fake dollars I can attitude' that makes the write/writer feel as no one will review them if the story's too long..., thus the trickle-down effect of that being short 'non' chapters being posted.
No matter, I found this story to be well written and something I would definitely want to continue reading... once the 'meat' of the story came to bear I was totally hooked.
Well done I say, (well except for that grating name, Molly.) Can't tell you why. My sister used to call a few of her pets that name and even then it turned my brows to a grimace... maybe a past life thing?
So you know this review was nothing like my previous two, but that's how it goes, just know I enjoyed the read,(which I actually thought, I was not going to)... one can never tell until the magic happens, hey?
With our thoughts we create,
confirmation to one's suspicions.
James vx's.
Comment Written 30-May-2017
reply by the author on 30-May-2017
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I admire your perseverance. When I've accidently cleared the page I can't usually be bothered to do it over.
Molly conjures up polyester and horn=rimmed glasses, perfect for the dowdy spinster. I'm fact, Molly is the name of Avril's dog. LOL.
I'm changing pov with each chapter, bring in opther characters I layered into the 1st chapter. When I pull the threads together, Molly will have a significant role in revealing the town secret, but I won't be following her life. I foind her incredibly hard to write about--such a boring, shallow woman. Sigh.
Thanks for the stars, but especially for committing to 3K words. You are absolutely right about word counts. 1000 word shorts are the norm and I have OFTEN been told my stuff is too long. I am not writing for stars or rank any more. I turned a corner last fall, and am trying to stay with the forms that stretch my abilities in story telliBig hugs. ingrrid
Comment from gene roush
This has nice tension throughout the post.
The dialogue moves smoothly.
One area that felt a bit awkward to me was: "Usually she had very little to offer, but she felt light-hearted. Until Gino began to appear at the municipal office, Molly had little to add to the conversation, and spent her weekly appointment absorbing the stories other women shared."
Perhaps something like: "Prior to Gino's appearance at the municipal office, she had very little to offer, and spent her weekly appointment absorbing the stories other women shared. But today, she felt light-hearted."
It finishes well and sets up the next chapter.
Thanks for sharing
Gene
reply by the author on 30-May-2017
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This has nice tension throughout the post.
The dialogue moves smoothly.
One area that felt a bit awkward to me was: "Usually she had very little to offer, but she felt light-hearted. Until Gino began to appear at the municipal office, Molly had little to add to the conversation, and spent her weekly appointment absorbing the stories other women shared."
Perhaps something like: "Prior to Gino's appearance at the municipal office, she had very little to offer, and spent her weekly appointment absorbing the stories other women shared. But today, she felt light-hearted."
It finishes well and sets up the next chapter.
Thanks for sharing
Gene
Comment Written 30-May-2017
reply by the author on 30-May-2017
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You make a very good point. I'll look again. I really do appreciate the feedback.
Comment from Curly Girly
This is a well-written chapter that held my attention.
I spotted two typos:
Casting off her self-pity, she began to restore order to the basement..[double period] It took almost
Elizabeth Harris Brown--the new owner of Broling Housse? [House?]
CG
reply by the author on 30-May-2017
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This is a well-written chapter that held my attention.
I spotted two typos:
Casting off her self-pity, she began to restore order to the basement..[double period] It took almost
Elizabeth Harris Brown--the new owner of Broling Housse? [House?]
CG
Comment Written 30-May-2017
reply by the author on 30-May-2017
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Thank you very much/
Comment from Sis Cat
Oh, Molly, will you or won't you report your executioner mother to the police? Not only would it cause a scandal, but it would free up the burdened woman who mused "It'll never be my turn."
Ingrid, I found your chapter most entertaining in a small town, Stepford Wives sort of way. Your characters, dialogue, and descriptions engaged my imagination. I enjoyed this passage:
On my palm... Molly was smitten. She'd seen the Mediterranean gesture in the movies, but always on the back of the hand. On my palm... Distracted by carnal thoughts, for the rest of the day she wondered why she hadn't given Gino any reason for the application rejection, and later she asked herself why she'd treated the graveyard as a secret.
I love how you eased in and out of flashback to provide information on Molly's troubled past. I enjoyed your seamless transitions:
"Molly, are you with us?"
Molly blinked and sat up, correcting her posture from her slumped down position in the chair.
Here is a woman haunted my her past. She tries fleeing from it:
A bubble burst. An uncertain truth from her past mingled and erased her romantic notions. Without ever having met the new owner of Brolin House, she hated the damn Yankee for stirring up old stories. A gnawing anxiety sent her racing out of the salon.
Another effective scene or scenes are those involving her Alzheimer's mother and draft-dodging mother. I feel Molly is a trapped caregiver unable to find escape. Your ending left me wondering what she will do next.
I found a half dozen SPAGs that are easy to correct:
conversation took a (turn) into a whimsical
or
conversation turned into a whimsical
Something is missing from this sentence:
Brolin House was closed down
Run on sentence. Perhaps use a period, a comma at the end, or write "WHEN Brolin House was closed down."
Omit repeated sentence:
It took almost an hour to repack the cartons and mop the floor. It took almost an hour for Molly to repack the cartons and mop the floor before she went back upstairs.
Add quotation marks (")Go to bed now!"
Your haunting story reminded me of my ancestors born mulatto but not killed upon birth.
Thank you for sharing your thrilling, polished writing.
reply by the author on 29-May-2017
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Oh, Molly, will you or won't you report your executioner mother to the police? Not only would it cause a scandal, but it would free up the burdened woman who mused "It'll never be my turn."
Ingrid, I found your chapter most entertaining in a small town, Stepford Wives sort of way. Your characters, dialogue, and descriptions engaged my imagination. I enjoyed this passage:
On my palm... Molly was smitten. She'd seen the Mediterranean gesture in the movies, but always on the back of the hand. On my palm... Distracted by carnal thoughts, for the rest of the day she wondered why she hadn't given Gino any reason for the application rejection, and later she asked herself why she'd treated the graveyard as a secret.
I love how you eased in and out of flashback to provide information on Molly's troubled past. I enjoyed your seamless transitions:
"Molly, are you with us?"
Molly blinked and sat up, correcting her posture from her slumped down position in the chair.
Here is a woman haunted my her past. She tries fleeing from it:
A bubble burst. An uncertain truth from her past mingled and erased her romantic notions. Without ever having met the new owner of Brolin House, she hated the damn Yankee for stirring up old stories. A gnawing anxiety sent her racing out of the salon.
Another effective scene or scenes are those involving her Alzheimer's mother and draft-dodging mother. I feel Molly is a trapped caregiver unable to find escape. Your ending left me wondering what she will do next.
I found a half dozen SPAGs that are easy to correct:
conversation took a (turn) into a whimsical
or
conversation turned into a whimsical
Something is missing from this sentence:
Brolin House was closed down
Run on sentence. Perhaps use a period, a comma at the end, or write "WHEN Brolin House was closed down."
Omit repeated sentence:
It took almost an hour to repack the cartons and mop the floor. It took almost an hour for Molly to repack the cartons and mop the floor before she went back upstairs.
Add quotation marks (")Go to bed now!"
Your haunting story reminded me of my ancestors born mulatto but not killed upon birth.
Thank you for sharing your thrilling, polished writing.
Comment Written 29-May-2017
reply by the author on 29-May-2017
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My eyes are shot. The errors piss me off, but I am sincerely grateful for your eyes.. Thanks for the alerts--and your stars. Not sure I deserved them, but I curtsey in appreciation.
Comment from apky
It's been quite a while since I read the first chapter of this story. This second chapter is just as rivetting as you take the reader into Molly's external and, mostly, internal world. There are little glitches and typos that irritate the reader, though, as I've listed below. Also, you need to decide if the name is Biggs or Briggs. Same with Brolin or Broling.
Molly though(t?) she was a snob, flaunting her book knowledge around, and always wanting the final word.
"So then, Doris, do you believe you came back as a librarian because you were once a write(r), brought into this life to protect your manuscripts?"
She wouldn't call them friends, but they were the closest thing she had to confidents. ~ do you mean "confidants"?
Up north, (w)omen might have been marching for equality and burning their bras, but time stood still in Bridgewater.
(")Why can't I go see my father?"
"Such a horrible disease.(space after the full stop) Losing one's memory seems so tragic."
(")Go to bed now!"
Best,
Apky
Elizabeth Harris Brown--the new owner of Brolin(g) Hous(s)e?
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 29-May-2017
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It's been quite a while since I read the first chapter of this story. This second chapter is just as rivetting as you take the reader into Molly's external and, mostly, internal world. There are little glitches and typos that irritate the reader, though, as I've listed below. Also, you need to decide if the name is Biggs or Briggs. Same with Brolin or Broling.
Molly though(t?) she was a snob, flaunting her book knowledge around, and always wanting the final word.
"So then, Doris, do you believe you came back as a librarian because you were once a write(r), brought into this life to protect your manuscripts?"
She wouldn't call them friends, but they were the closest thing she had to confidents. ~ do you mean "confidants"?
Up north, (w)omen might have been marching for equality and burning their bras, but time stood still in Bridgewater.
(")Why can't I go see my father?"
"Such a horrible disease.(space after the full stop) Losing one's memory seems so tragic."
(")Go to bed now!"
Best,
Apky
Elizabeth Harris Brown--the new owner of Brolin(g) Hous(s)e?
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 29-May-2017
reply by the author on 29-May-2017
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I do appreciate the edits---very much. Thank you.
Comment from country ranch writer
It is sad children had to die for the affairs of the slaves with the masters only the whites were allowed to live and hope no one caught on over the lives of those who lived
reply by the author on 29-May-2017
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It is sad children had to die for the affairs of the slaves with the masters only the whites were allowed to live and hope no one caught on over the lives of those who lived
Comment Written 28-May-2017
reply by the author on 29-May-2017
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It is sad, but a true part of history. Thanks for the stars.
Comment from Jay Squires
Geez, this is one spooky yarn, Ingrid. But it's not the first from your pen. There is a market for these kinds of tales.
A line or two about my review. In spite of the length of my review (I still prefer to call them crits, but I have to spend too much time explaining myself), you have very few actual nits, and none of those are any news to you. With you, and a few others on FanStory, I approach reviews differently. I spend more time on observations and suggestions. I also point out turns of phrases I wish I'd have created. Anyway, long review, no deduction.
Here are my concerns and observations:
and certainly not to an outside who might ask a lot of questions. [Do you folks call strangers "an outside," or like Americans, "an outsider"?
about her unimportant and beige existence. ["Beige existence." I like that. Is it a new coinage? I've not heard of it before.]
After Gino's third visit to the office, equally flirtatious, Molly headed off to the salon, [I'm wondering if there's something you can do not to make Molly sound like the one being flirtatious. It's not super obvious, but I thought I'd point it out.]
the conversation took a turned into a whimsical chatter [the conversation took a TURN into (TO ?) a whimsical chatter.]
you came back as a librarian because you were once a write, [Is that correct: "a write"? or "a writer"?]
There was no baby there--no one but the two of them wandering around an empty house. " [I noticed another spacing error like this one (space before closed quote), but remembered your visual problems, and don't want to be abrasive.]
"Maybe all the graveyard babies have come back to avenge their death. " [I realize this is dialogue and that trumps grammar, but as an FYI, "babies" takes "deaths"]
her fingers rolled into her palms [Well-turned image!]
Up north, omen might have been marching for equality and burning their bras, [The burning bras made me realize you slipped a "w" in your "omen".]
Once or twice Molly had caught a glimpse shopping in town. [ ... caught a glimpse (of them?) shopping in town.]
due to an unexpected emergency. [Aren't all emergencies unexpected?]
"No. He's gone to live with his father." [So Molly had actually heard a real, living baby? Her mother apparently knew right away who Molly was talking about. But she made the odd statement that the baby's gone to live with his father. Why wouldn't that have elicited the response from Molly, "but how can he be gone if I heard him crying?" Instead, Molly asks, "Why can't I go see my father?" I don't know ... to me it seemed unmotivated. Do you see what I mean?]
Some days Patricia seemed totally normal, but infrequent. [Is it the days that were infrequent, or is it somehow "normal" that was infrequent? It's vague. I would suggest adding "but they were" after "but"]
Brolin House was closed down her mother lost her job, [I think you intended a comma or semicolon after "down".]
her mother must have gone for a walk and perhaps become confused, ["become" just doesn't sound right. Suggest, "had become" or "became"]
sitting in the cement, [I don't quite know what you mean by this. "Sitting ON the cement" (as cement floor)?
Cradling a doll, she rocked back and forth, lost in a world of her own. [How can Molly know she is rocking a doll, or even the other description of her sitting on the cement, if it was dark (as you are soon to reveal)? Perhaps you could say she was sitting in near-darkness, or in the shadows?]
She flung the doll against the wall and tried to push past her, but Molly grabbed her by the shoulders. [Question of placement.
Molly stood up and began to gather up the toys. [You don't need "up" after "stood". Collaterally, you won't have to worry about the annoying two "ups" in a sentence. LOL.]
It took almost an hour to repack the cartons and mop the floor. It took almost an hour for Molly to repack the cartons and mop the floor before she went back upstairs. [Remove the first sentence. I know what you did--have done it myself.]
"It's just a word we used--not a real emergency--but when one of the girls went into labour, it was my job to look after things. We called the baby an emergency." [I think I remember this from one of your other stories.]
Water under the bridge--times long past,--but the local gossip [The EMdash replaces the comma.]
what to do with the information she'd discovered.. [I think I came across two other places where you used two periods. Were you trying for an ellipsis? Or did you intend one period?]
She could hear her mother snoring when she went upstairs, briefly paused, thinking how easy [Do you think it would be better to add an "and" after "upstairs"? I would use a full stop myself to give a breathing space between her action and her intention.]
It would cause such a scandal, Molly thought as she crawled into bed. Yes, such a delicious scandal!
Molly pulled the covers up to her chin and smiled.
[OH MY GOD! What a delicious ending, Ingrid! You have an incredibly unstable mind, LOL! Except for its length, I can't imagine your not entering it in a horror contest.
reply by the author on 29-May-2017
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Geez, this is one spooky yarn, Ingrid. But it's not the first from your pen. There is a market for these kinds of tales.
A line or two about my review. In spite of the length of my review (I still prefer to call them crits, but I have to spend too much time explaining myself), you have very few actual nits, and none of those are any news to you. With you, and a few others on FanStory, I approach reviews differently. I spend more time on observations and suggestions. I also point out turns of phrases I wish I'd have created. Anyway, long review, no deduction.
Here are my concerns and observations:
and certainly not to an outside who might ask a lot of questions. [Do you folks call strangers "an outside," or like Americans, "an outsider"?
about her unimportant and beige existence. ["Beige existence." I like that. Is it a new coinage? I've not heard of it before.]
After Gino's third visit to the office, equally flirtatious, Molly headed off to the salon, [I'm wondering if there's something you can do not to make Molly sound like the one being flirtatious. It's not super obvious, but I thought I'd point it out.]
the conversation took a turned into a whimsical chatter [the conversation took a TURN into (TO ?) a whimsical chatter.]
you came back as a librarian because you were once a write, [Is that correct: "a write"? or "a writer"?]
There was no baby there--no one but the two of them wandering around an empty house. " [I noticed another spacing error like this one (space before closed quote), but remembered your visual problems, and don't want to be abrasive.]
"Maybe all the graveyard babies have come back to avenge their death. " [I realize this is dialogue and that trumps grammar, but as an FYI, "babies" takes "deaths"]
her fingers rolled into her palms [Well-turned image!]
Up north, omen might have been marching for equality and burning their bras, [The burning bras made me realize you slipped a "w" in your "omen".]
Once or twice Molly had caught a glimpse shopping in town. [ ... caught a glimpse (of them?) shopping in town.]
due to an unexpected emergency. [Aren't all emergencies unexpected?]
"No. He's gone to live with his father." [So Molly had actually heard a real, living baby? Her mother apparently knew right away who Molly was talking about. But she made the odd statement that the baby's gone to live with his father. Why wouldn't that have elicited the response from Molly, "but how can he be gone if I heard him crying?" Instead, Molly asks, "Why can't I go see my father?" I don't know ... to me it seemed unmotivated. Do you see what I mean?]
Some days Patricia seemed totally normal, but infrequent. [Is it the days that were infrequent, or is it somehow "normal" that was infrequent? It's vague. I would suggest adding "but they were" after "but"]
Brolin House was closed down her mother lost her job, [I think you intended a comma or semicolon after "down".]
her mother must have gone for a walk and perhaps become confused, ["become" just doesn't sound right. Suggest, "had become" or "became"]
sitting in the cement, [I don't quite know what you mean by this. "Sitting ON the cement" (as cement floor)?
Cradling a doll, she rocked back and forth, lost in a world of her own. [How can Molly know she is rocking a doll, or even the other description of her sitting on the cement, if it was dark (as you are soon to reveal)? Perhaps you could say she was sitting in near-darkness, or in the shadows?]
She flung the doll against the wall and tried to push past her, but Molly grabbed her by the shoulders. [Question of placement.
Molly stood up and began to gather up the toys. [You don't need "up" after "stood". Collaterally, you won't have to worry about the annoying two "ups" in a sentence. LOL.]
It took almost an hour to repack the cartons and mop the floor. It took almost an hour for Molly to repack the cartons and mop the floor before she went back upstairs. [Remove the first sentence. I know what you did--have done it myself.]
"It's just a word we used--not a real emergency--but when one of the girls went into labour, it was my job to look after things. We called the baby an emergency." [I think I remember this from one of your other stories.]
Water under the bridge--times long past,--but the local gossip [The EMdash replaces the comma.]
what to do with the information she'd discovered.. [I think I came across two other places where you used two periods. Were you trying for an ellipsis? Or did you intend one period?]
She could hear her mother snoring when she went upstairs, briefly paused, thinking how easy [Do you think it would be better to add an "and" after "upstairs"? I would use a full stop myself to give a breathing space between her action and her intention.]
It would cause such a scandal, Molly thought as she crawled into bed. Yes, such a delicious scandal!
Molly pulled the covers up to her chin and smiled.
[OH MY GOD! What a delicious ending, Ingrid! You have an incredibly unstable mind, LOL! Except for its length, I can't imagine your not entering it in a horror contest.
Comment Written 28-May-2017
reply by the author on 29-May-2017
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Consider my arms reaching across the continent to give you an enormous hug. Part of the reason it has taken so long to post is my war with my eyesight. They took my licence last week! Now I'm a criminal when I go get a quart of milk. Thank you very much for all this generous work on my behalf.
Wait till next chapter. I'm going to turn the Masons into the KKK. Love, ingrid
Comment from damommy
What a story! I could relate to Molly's frustration in dealing with her mother. It's hard enough without her being a harridan. I feel so sorry for her. I'm afraid the change in her looks may not be enough for Gino. I think he's probably a professional charmer. LOL.
Finding out her mother executed babies, and is proud of it, has to be a tremendous shock. Looking forward to more of the story.
-outside[r]
-once a write[r]
-Up north, [w]omen
-In the [S]outh,
-due to an unexpected emergency[,]
-[s]witching topics,
-Brolin House was closed down[,]
-It took almost an hour to repack the cartons and mop the floor. It took almost an hour for Molly to repack the cartons and mop the floor before she went back upstairs. (this is repetitive)
reply by the author on 29-May-2017
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What a story! I could relate to Molly's frustration in dealing with her mother. It's hard enough without her being a harridan. I feel so sorry for her. I'm afraid the change in her looks may not be enough for Gino. I think he's probably a professional charmer. LOL.
Finding out her mother executed babies, and is proud of it, has to be a tremendous shock. Looking forward to more of the story.
-outside[r]
-once a write[r]
-Up north, [w]omen
-In the [S]outh,
-due to an unexpected emergency[,]
-[s]witching topics,
-Brolin House was closed down[,]
-It took almost an hour to repack the cartons and mop the floor. It took almost an hour for Molly to repack the cartons and mop the floor before she went back upstairs. (this is repetitive)
Comment Written 28-May-2017
reply by the author on 29-May-2017
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Thank you very much for those nits/ I do appreciate it. ingrid
Comment from Sasha
I am SO pleased you continued with this fascinating story. You are a terrific writer and I have missed you. I do hope you will post the next chapter sooner. This has really piqued my interest. Absolutely awesome work with this.
I found a couple of minor spags:
you were once a write ... I think you mean, writer
You unintentionally repeated the beginning of this sentence...
It took almost an hour to repack the cartons and mop the floor. It took almost an hour for Molly to repack the cartons and mop the floor before she went back upstairs.
reply by the author on 29-May-2017
|
I am SO pleased you continued with this fascinating story. You are a terrific writer and I have missed you. I do hope you will post the next chapter sooner. This has really piqued my interest. Absolutely awesome work with this.
I found a couple of minor spags:
you were once a write ... I think you mean, writer
You unintentionally repeated the beginning of this sentence...
It took almost an hour to repack the cartons and mop the floor. It took almost an hour for Molly to repack the cartons and mop the floor before she went back upstairs.
Comment Written 28-May-2017
reply by the author on 29-May-2017
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Thanks, Sasha. My eyes are making it very hard to read and edit. Took my licence last week. Tough stuff, but I'm okay, Thanks.
-
Take care know I think of your often. I am sure you did fine on the test. You are a smart and gifted woman...seriously.
Comment from Ulla
Hi There, I'm glad to see new writing from you again. It's been a while.
'and certainly not to an outside who might ask a lot of questions' = an outsider
'Molly though she was a snob' = thought she was a snob
Looking forward to reading on. All the best. Ulla:)))
reply by the author on 29-May-2017
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Hi There, I'm glad to see new writing from you again. It's been a while.
'and certainly not to an outside who might ask a lot of questions' = an outsider
'Molly though she was a snob' = thought she was a snob
Looking forward to reading on. All the best. Ulla:)))
Comment Written 28-May-2017
reply by the author on 29-May-2017
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Thanks. I'm having issues with my eyes. Appreciate the corrections.
