Humanity Project
Viewing comments for Chapter 24 "The Bowels of the Earth"A science fiction book about genetic engineering.
27 total reviews
Comment from Walu Feral
Howdy Padna.
Hope you've had a bit of a rest today and haven't had your nose to the grindstone too much.
I must have missed this chapter, sorry about that.
The pictures a tasty one, looks just like a chocolate with blueberry filling.
" Her skin crawled with a thousand imagined insects." (The above I can handle... but that feeling I struggle with. For me it'd be cockroaches)
"By this pale light, the secrets of the mines burst forth like flowers in the desert after a rain." (Crikey! Made me homesick, lol. Beautiful imagery.)
"that there was some magic deep within the inner network of the rocky world they had entered." (Yep, a whole tribe of spirits from departed Elders.)
" The gentle sound of the babbling brook added to the wonder of the crystalline world they found themselves enveloped in." (Sheesh! I thought my cave was comfortable, but theirs is luxury. Pure luxury I tells ya!)
"The worse(-e +t) problem you'll have is getting lost, and so long as you follow me,"
"Fairies are useless creatures who dance around in the moonlight and catch butterflies. Tommyknockers are hardworking..."
"Sani!" (Hahahaha! I told them here about the Aboriginal "feather-foot" which is a spirit who creeps about at night taking lives, mostly babies. Now they all look at me every time they see a feather on the ground lol"
"They've formed their own counter culture" (To my limit knowledge, but having been a part of a kind of one, it can either be Counterculture or Counter-Culture. I could be wrong though.)
"The next leg of our journey will take us to the brink of Mine City." (That's the scary bit.)
Great job, Sis. Very engaging and educational journey. I can tell you done your research on mine-walls to go into such detail.
They are on the edge of potential disaster now... let's hope they come out on top.
Top work.
Cheers Fez
reply by the author on 04-Jul-2017
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Howdy Padna.
Hope you've had a bit of a rest today and haven't had your nose to the grindstone too much.
I must have missed this chapter, sorry about that.
The pictures a tasty one, looks just like a chocolate with blueberry filling.
" Her skin crawled with a thousand imagined insects." (The above I can handle... but that feeling I struggle with. For me it'd be cockroaches)
"By this pale light, the secrets of the mines burst forth like flowers in the desert after a rain." (Crikey! Made me homesick, lol. Beautiful imagery.)
"that there was some magic deep within the inner network of the rocky world they had entered." (Yep, a whole tribe of spirits from departed Elders.)
" The gentle sound of the babbling brook added to the wonder of the crystalline world they found themselves enveloped in." (Sheesh! I thought my cave was comfortable, but theirs is luxury. Pure luxury I tells ya!)
"The worse(-e +t) problem you'll have is getting lost, and so long as you follow me,"
"Fairies are useless creatures who dance around in the moonlight and catch butterflies. Tommyknockers are hardworking..."
"Sani!" (Hahahaha! I told them here about the Aboriginal "feather-foot" which is a spirit who creeps about at night taking lives, mostly babies. Now they all look at me every time they see a feather on the ground lol"
"They've formed their own counter culture" (To my limit knowledge, but having been a part of a kind of one, it can either be Counterculture or Counter-Culture. I could be wrong though.)
"The next leg of our journey will take us to the brink of Mine City." (That's the scary bit.)
Great job, Sis. Very engaging and educational journey. I can tell you done your research on mine-walls to go into such detail.
They are on the edge of potential disaster now... let's hope they come out on top.
Top work.
Cheers Fez
Comment Written 27-Jun-2017
reply by the author on 04-Jul-2017
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Thank you for the sixer, Brother!!
I am back home right now, and trying to find time in my extremely busy schedule of sleeping, watching TV, taking a nap, and walking out in the garden, to write and review. I so appreciate you, my friend!!
Rhonda
Comment from LaRosa
Your choice picture of a water pool is fascinating. Wonder whether it's at Carlsbad Caverns.
You have a gift of keeping things fast moving and believable in location as well as conversation.
Looking forward to more...
reply by the author on 07-Jun-2017
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Your choice picture of a water pool is fascinating. Wonder whether it's at Carlsbad Caverns.
You have a gift of keeping things fast moving and believable in location as well as conversation.
Looking forward to more...
Comment Written 21-May-2017
reply by the author on 07-Jun-2017
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Thank you so much for the review. I liked the water part as well, even though the amount of water they saw in the cave wasn't that massive.
Take care,
Rhonda
Comment from Nikki-Nicole
This is an interesting read.
Well-written.
Good dialogue.
Great artwork: The image shown supports the story.
The author's notes are appreciated. Thank you.
Thanks for sharing.
Good luck with your future writing.
-Nicole-
reply by the author on 07-Jun-2017
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This is an interesting read.
Well-written.
Good dialogue.
Great artwork: The image shown supports the story.
The author's notes are appreciated. Thank you.
Thanks for sharing.
Good luck with your future writing.
-Nicole-
Comment Written 21-May-2017
reply by the author on 07-Jun-2017
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Thank you for the wonderful review, Nicole. I appreciate the time and effort it took to read and review.
Take care,
Rhonda
Comment from F. Wehr3
Good work on this part, Rhonda. I enjoyed your descriptions of the mines/cave formations. The hook at the end with Archie and Sani was well down and makes me want to read more. I didn't see any spag. Nicely done!
Take care,
Russell
reply by the author on 07-Jun-2017
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Good work on this part, Rhonda. I enjoyed your descriptions of the mines/cave formations. The hook at the end with Archie and Sani was well down and makes me want to read more. I didn't see any spag. Nicely done!
Take care,
Russell
Comment Written 21-May-2017
reply by the author on 07-Jun-2017
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Russell, thank you for the wonderful review. I actually went on several cave tours to right this, and described it from what I saw. Some of the caves/mines are amazing. It was an enjoyable trip! Take care,
Rhonda
Comment from MelB
So happy to see you back and another post to the story! I hope you are feeling stronger every day. Great descriptions and dialogue. You created a great hook at the end.
reply by the author on 07-Jun-2017
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So happy to see you back and another post to the story! I hope you are feeling stronger every day. Great descriptions and dialogue. You created a great hook at the end.
Comment Written 21-May-2017
reply by the author on 07-Jun-2017
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Thank you so much. I'm feeling pretty creative today, too, but my energy level is still low. It may take me a while to write another chapter. We'll see. Thanks for always keeping up with me!
Hugs,
Rhonda
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Take your time. Your health is more important!
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Thank you. I am in a holding pattern right now. Just waiting for the third surgery on Friday. I'm pretty focused today, so I'm on this site for a bit.
Comment from w.j.debi
You build the tension well and keep the action going. The story keeps getting more interesting as you move forward to reveal more characters. Excellent use of description and dialog to show the story to us.
reply by the author on 07-Jun-2017
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You build the tension well and keep the action going. The story keeps getting more interesting as you move forward to reveal more characters. Excellent use of description and dialog to show the story to us.
Comment Written 20-May-2017
reply by the author on 07-Jun-2017
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Thank you for the wonderful six star rating. I deeply appreciate the stars and remarks. I'm sorry it's taken so long to reply, but I had surgery.
Take care,
Rhonda
Comment from dejohnsrld (Debbie)
Another great chapter to this interesting book, my friend. I do truly appreciate the author notes as I am forever getting behind and they help me keep track of what has transpired~Debbie
reply by the author on 08-Jun-2017
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Another great chapter to this interesting book, my friend. I do truly appreciate the author notes as I am forever getting behind and they help me keep track of what has transpired~Debbie
Comment Written 20-May-2017
reply by the author on 08-Jun-2017
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Sorry for the late reply, and I do so appreciate the review. I'm glad the summary helped. Take care,
Rhonda
Comment from Jay Squires
You should have seen my smile when I happened upon your post. I shouldn't have to look for them. I learn so much from you about characterization and especially dialogue.
These are some running thoughts as I read along. Combinations of observations, suggestions, nits if I find any. It takes longer to read this way, but I learn as much as the person I'm critiquing.
Anyway, here we go:
through the filtered light of her flickering torch. [I had to look up your profile again to remind me you are from the U.S. So the torch is a wooden device with a fire-ball at the end of it ... not a flashlight?]
She felt the pressure of tons of stone above and about her. [It's probably just me, so take it for what it's worth, but I think of more pebbly things when I see "stone." I would feel more comfortable (and I'm sure the character would feel more uncomfortable), if they were hulking boulders, or rocks. Not even a suggestion, though. More of an observation.]
But now, she felt buried alive. [I love the rhetoric of using three longish sentences followed by this last punchy one, beginning with "But."
A few times, when he felt her trembling, he put a protective arm around her shoulder. [I almost didn't include this. It seems kinda petty--though not in a critical way. Okay, I'm picturing them now walking hand-in-hand. Do you think you should add something after " ... he felt her trembling" like HE RELEASED HER HAND AND "put a protective arm ..."? It's one of those visual things. Most people are going to read it the way you have it and not think a thing of it ... but a visualist ...]
By this pale light, the secrets of the mines burst forth like flowers in the desert after a rain. [Beautiful image, this.]
random areas that occasionally opened up on either side of the rocky trail. [I don't know that you need "up" here. It's certainly not incorrect, but I always look for ways (particularly in my own posts) to reduce any verbiage that doesn't absolutely contribute--probably like "absolutely".
upon the small rocky indentions. [I had to look this up. According to my source, "indention" is archaic for "indentation." Indention means the spacing between paragraphs. I'm not saying you are wrong--only that indentation would be more right, LOL.]
He was saddened to see that she still appeared frightened and oppressed, the proverbial weight of the mountains pressing upon her young shoulders. He wondered how much longer she could hold together. [To anyone, like me, who tends toward claustrophobia, her oppression is understandable. This is owing to your skill in writing. Don't forget that. Now hurry and get me out of here!]
"Sani!" [I'm assuming this is Archie speaking? They had been talking together, but there were others around.]
He didn't want to wake the women. [I wonder if you should make this less expository, and show an action, instead, that would indicate his concern.]
I love the way this ended. Is there a question of power? I'm afraid I don't know the characters well. Which leads me to this. The reason I haven't been reading your stuff is that it doesn't show on my message board any more. I'll go in an re-favorite you.
reply by the author on 08-Jun-2017
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You should have seen my smile when I happened upon your post. I shouldn't have to look for them. I learn so much from you about characterization and especially dialogue.
These are some running thoughts as I read along. Combinations of observations, suggestions, nits if I find any. It takes longer to read this way, but I learn as much as the person I'm critiquing.
Anyway, here we go:
through the filtered light of her flickering torch. [I had to look up your profile again to remind me you are from the U.S. So the torch is a wooden device with a fire-ball at the end of it ... not a flashlight?]
She felt the pressure of tons of stone above and about her. [It's probably just me, so take it for what it's worth, but I think of more pebbly things when I see "stone." I would feel more comfortable (and I'm sure the character would feel more uncomfortable), if they were hulking boulders, or rocks. Not even a suggestion, though. More of an observation.]
But now, she felt buried alive. [I love the rhetoric of using three longish sentences followed by this last punchy one, beginning with "But."
A few times, when he felt her trembling, he put a protective arm around her shoulder. [I almost didn't include this. It seems kinda petty--though not in a critical way. Okay, I'm picturing them now walking hand-in-hand. Do you think you should add something after " ... he felt her trembling" like HE RELEASED HER HAND AND "put a protective arm ..."? It's one of those visual things. Most people are going to read it the way you have it and not think a thing of it ... but a visualist ...]
By this pale light, the secrets of the mines burst forth like flowers in the desert after a rain. [Beautiful image, this.]
random areas that occasionally opened up on either side of the rocky trail. [I don't know that you need "up" here. It's certainly not incorrect, but I always look for ways (particularly in my own posts) to reduce any verbiage that doesn't absolutely contribute--probably like "absolutely".
upon the small rocky indentions. [I had to look this up. According to my source, "indention" is archaic for "indentation." Indention means the spacing between paragraphs. I'm not saying you are wrong--only that indentation would be more right, LOL.]
He was saddened to see that she still appeared frightened and oppressed, the proverbial weight of the mountains pressing upon her young shoulders. He wondered how much longer she could hold together. [To anyone, like me, who tends toward claustrophobia, her oppression is understandable. This is owing to your skill in writing. Don't forget that. Now hurry and get me out of here!]
"Sani!" [I'm assuming this is Archie speaking? They had been talking together, but there were others around.]
He didn't want to wake the women. [I wonder if you should make this less expository, and show an action, instead, that would indicate his concern.]
I love the way this ended. Is there a question of power? I'm afraid I don't know the characters well. Which leads me to this. The reason I haven't been reading your stuff is that it doesn't show on my message board any more. I'll go in an re-favorite you.
Comment Written 20-May-2017
reply by the author on 08-Jun-2017
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Oh that's terrible. I'd better check yours, too. I will go back and make these suggested changes later. I've been in and out of the hospital for 4 weeks (or close to it). It was supposed to be a simple surgery. Go home, recover, continue life as I once knew it, but there have been a series of complications that have caused me to have a second surgery, and tomorrow, a third. My sister said it's like going on vacation with the Griswalds. Anything and everything just went all nutty. So I'm counting on tomorrow's surgery to put an end to that all.
Take care, my friend,
Rhonda
Comment from emptypage
I am soooo glad to see you back. I can't begin to say how please I am. I've been away two days (so far) with a 104.8 tempt--stupid infection--and I may not review well, but here goes:
So glad Ayala went in! I know you told me she would, but her fears overwhelm her as mine do me. I
I love Sani. All of your characters are very well-drawn, Rhonda. Whether they are lovable (and these four are) or not, we get to know their essence.
I can't wait to meet/read about the people in the shadows.
One thing:
You wrote, "The worse problem you'll have is getting lost...." When you use superlatives, this is one that gets messed up a lot. Good-better-best. Bad-worse-worst. You need to use "worst" in this sentence.
Great write, and welcome back.
reply by the author on 08-Jun-2017
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I am soooo glad to see you back. I can't begin to say how please I am. I've been away two days (so far) with a 104.8 tempt--stupid infection--and I may not review well, but here goes:
So glad Ayala went in! I know you told me she would, but her fears overwhelm her as mine do me. I
I love Sani. All of your characters are very well-drawn, Rhonda. Whether they are lovable (and these four are) or not, we get to know their essence.
I can't wait to meet/read about the people in the shadows.
One thing:
You wrote, "The worse problem you'll have is getting lost...." When you use superlatives, this is one that gets messed up a lot. Good-better-best. Bad-worse-worst. You need to use "worst" in this sentence.
Great write, and welcome back.
Comment Written 20-May-2017
reply by the author on 08-Jun-2017
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Oh my gosh, you are so right with the worse thing. Never noticed it before. Thanks for bringing it up!!
Sorry for the lateness of this reply, but you know why, and poor you -- you were sick when you wrote it.
Thanks so much, my friend,
Rhonda
Comment from barbara.wilkey
You've left a wonderful hook. I want to know what Sani has to say. I am also found your descriptions fantastic. I could feel the rocks closing in. I wish I had a six, no, a ten.
reply by the author on 08-Jun-2017
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You've left a wonderful hook. I want to know what Sani has to say. I am also found your descriptions fantastic. I could feel the rocks closing in. I wish I had a six, no, a ten.
Comment Written 20-May-2017
reply by the author on 08-Jun-2017
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Thanks for the encouraging words. They do so help the confidence!
Sorry for the late reply, but by now I'm sure you know why. I am sitting in a hospital room now doing some work on FS. First, I'm semi-able to sit upright, and not so medicated I can't even text, so I thought I would piddle.
Thank you again,
Rhonda
