Briarly Hall
Viewing comments for Chapter 1 "Departure"Historical fiction
13 total reviews
Comment from DLBoo
Nicely done. This would be an excellent chapter for a novel, but several chapters father in of course. I found one error and that was with your time you have 4.05 rather than 4:05; making it look like money and not time. Good job and I hope to read more from you in the future.
reply by the author on 03-Jun-2017
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Nicely done. This would be an excellent chapter for a novel, but several chapters father in of course. I found one error and that was with your time you have 4.05 rather than 4:05; making it look like money and not time. Good job and I hope to read more from you in the future.
Comment Written 04-May-2017
reply by the author on 03-Jun-2017
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Thanks for reading and helpful suggestions zanya
Comment from frogbook
Great atmosphere and historical feel in this interesting and original tale. A wonderful entry for this contest. Enjoyable reading and left me waiting for Chapter 2!
reply by the author on 03-Jun-2017
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Great atmosphere and historical feel in this interesting and original tale. A wonderful entry for this contest. Enjoyable reading and left me waiting for Chapter 2!
Comment Written 04-May-2017
reply by the author on 03-Jun-2017
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Great - thanks for the accolade zanya
Comment from Nikki-Nicole
This is a very good read.
--I thank God that we survived the storm last week. I'm thankful that we only got a lot of rain and a few limbs fell in my yard. The power company had to come out and pull some branches from the lines, but that was about it. Our lights only blinked on and off for a second. We were lucky. Others in Durant, MS weren't so lucky.
Great artwork: The image shown fits the story.
Best of luck to you in the contest.
Thanks for sharing your storm experience.
Good luck with your future writing.
-Nicole-
reply by the author on 03-Jun-2017
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This is a very good read.
--I thank God that we survived the storm last week. I'm thankful that we only got a lot of rain and a few limbs fell in my yard. The power company had to come out and pull some branches from the lines, but that was about it. Our lights only blinked on and off for a second. We were lucky. Others in Durant, MS weren't so lucky.
Great artwork: The image shown fits the story.
Best of luck to you in the contest.
Thanks for sharing your storm experience.
Good luck with your future writing.
-Nicole-
Comment Written 02-May-2017
reply by the author on 03-Jun-2017
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Thanks for reading zanya
Comment from LaRosa
If I had 6 to give, I would!
Your entry is original, and makes me curious where it could have gone.
Do you plan to continue this in Chapters?
Surely, yes???
Very well written on every level.
reply by the author on 03-Jun-2017
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If I had 6 to give, I would!
Your entry is original, and makes me curious where it could have gone.
Do you plan to continue this in Chapters?
Surely, yes???
Very well written on every level.
Comment Written 02-May-2017
reply by the author on 03-Jun-2017
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Delighted with this review -thanks for reading zanya
Comment from emptypage
You wrote, "'James, James,' Squire bellowed through the carriage window...." If Squire bellowed, it should read "James! James!" Explanation points are used to indicate volume as well as emotion.
You wrote, 'At your service Squire, at your service,' James responded.--First, you need a comma before "Squire" as well as after. Second, why do you use single quotes? It is not acceptable grammar to use single quotes except when using a quote within a quote. (Yes, I see you did it throughout.).
You wrote, "'King Henry VIII himself, is reputed to have spent an evening at..." --No comma after "himself."
This feels like the beginning of a story, but not so much like a complete, stand-alone story. The start is decent, in spite of the SPAGs, but not complete.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 03-Jun-2017
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You wrote, "'James, James,' Squire bellowed through the carriage window...." If Squire bellowed, it should read "James! James!" Explanation points are used to indicate volume as well as emotion.
You wrote, 'At your service Squire, at your service,' James responded.--First, you need a comma before "Squire" as well as after. Second, why do you use single quotes? It is not acceptable grammar to use single quotes except when using a quote within a quote. (Yes, I see you did it throughout.).
You wrote, "'King Henry VIII himself, is reputed to have spent an evening at..." --No comma after "himself."
This feels like the beginning of a story, but not so much like a complete, stand-alone story. The start is decent, in spite of the SPAGs, but not complete.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 02-May-2017
reply by the author on 03-Jun-2017
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Really appreciate your time reading and reviewing and offering useful advice zanya
Comment from apky
You need to correct the line break: >>we are to make the 4.05 train to
London. We don't want to get delayed in this weather.'<<
I got into the story and read on, expecting more adventure.
Although the adventure never quite "vintaged" the read was
satisfactory. You could easily turn this into something longer.
Apky
reply by the author on 03-Jun-2017
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You need to correct the line break: >>we are to make the 4.05 train to
London. We don't want to get delayed in this weather.'<<
I got into the story and read on, expecting more adventure.
Although the adventure never quite "vintaged" the read was
satisfactory. You could easily turn this into something longer.
Apky
Comment Written 01-May-2017
reply by the author on 03-Jun-2017
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Great vote of confidence- really appreciate your time and energy here zanya
Comment from giraffmang
Hi there,
A nice vignette here and some nice descriptive work. Good atmosphere created.
Some things I noticed as I read-
'James, James', - comma should be inside the speech marks.
Squire Alfred gathered his great coat / Squire Albert reached to his inside - change of name here.
In fact you continue to call him Albert a lot after this, which makes no sense of him having a flask inlayed with the name of 'Alfie'.
You occasionally leave spaces between the speech marks and dialogue which aren't necessary. Need to remain consistent in this area.
James replied,'it is not the station- need a space after the comma.
You are also inconsistent where you place punctuation at the end of dialogue. Sometimes it's inside the speech marks and at other times not. It doesn't matter which form you take as long as is stays consistent.
'how on earth do we pass the evening at this inn?' 'Do they have a card table?' 'It has a rather tawdry appearance'.- you don't need three separate pieces of dialogue to express this as nothing happens in between each one. it could all be in a single set of speech marks.
'King Henry viii himself - VIII (use capitals for Roman Numerals).
All the best
GMG
reply by the author on 03-Jun-2017
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Hi there,
A nice vignette here and some nice descriptive work. Good atmosphere created.
Some things I noticed as I read-
'James, James', - comma should be inside the speech marks.
Squire Alfred gathered his great coat / Squire Albert reached to his inside - change of name here.
In fact you continue to call him Albert a lot after this, which makes no sense of him having a flask inlayed with the name of 'Alfie'.
You occasionally leave spaces between the speech marks and dialogue which aren't necessary. Need to remain consistent in this area.
James replied,'it is not the station- need a space after the comma.
You are also inconsistent where you place punctuation at the end of dialogue. Sometimes it's inside the speech marks and at other times not. It doesn't matter which form you take as long as is stays consistent.
'how on earth do we pass the evening at this inn?' 'Do they have a card table?' 'It has a rather tawdry appearance'.- you don't need three separate pieces of dialogue to express this as nothing happens in between each one. it could all be in a single set of speech marks.
'King Henry viii himself - VIII (use capitals for Roman Numerals).
All the best
GMG
Comment Written 01-May-2017
reply by the author on 03-Jun-2017
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Really appreciate your comments and suggestions here and your time spent - zanya
Comment from Mustang Patty
Thank you for sharing this descriptive tale of the oncoming storm. The Squire does indeed have a disected heart - between the love of his wife, and the love of La Marque - she who dared to call him 'Alfie,' I wager.
A nit: ''eau de vie.(add a space)It stirs the blood'.'
I saw a few problems with your use of quotation marks; for instance, 'James', Squire continued, 'how on earth do we pass the evening at this inn?' 'Do they have a card table?' 'It has a rather tawdry appearance'.
(When the same person is continually talking, you only use one open quotation mark, and one to close.)
Good luck in the contest,
~patty~
reply by the author on 03-Jun-2017
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Thank you for sharing this descriptive tale of the oncoming storm. The Squire does indeed have a disected heart - between the love of his wife, and the love of La Marque - she who dared to call him 'Alfie,' I wager.
A nit: ''eau de vie.(add a space)It stirs the blood'.'
I saw a few problems with your use of quotation marks; for instance, 'James', Squire continued, 'how on earth do we pass the evening at this inn?' 'Do they have a card table?' 'It has a rather tawdry appearance'.
(When the same person is continually talking, you only use one open quotation mark, and one to close.)
Good luck in the contest,
~patty~
Comment Written 01-May-2017
reply by the author on 03-Jun-2017
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Thanks for reading and engaging and the useful comments zanya
Comment from Thomas Bowling
Is this going to be continued? I hope so. I want to know what's coming. This is an excellent contest entry. You will do well. Good luck.
reply by the author on 03-Jun-2017
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Is this going to be continued? I hope so. I want to know what's coming. This is an excellent contest entry. You will do well. Good luck.
Comment Written 01-May-2017
reply by the author on 03-Jun-2017
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Great review - and the encouraging words -thanks for reading zanya
Comment from Brett Matthew West
Well written storyline with enough action to keep the tale engaging.
Several different positions you could take this accounting in from here.
Should make an interesting entry for this contest.
reply by the author on 03-Jun-2017
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Well written storyline with enough action to keep the tale engaging.
Several different positions you could take this accounting in from here.
Should make an interesting entry for this contest.
Comment Written 30-Apr-2017
reply by the author on 03-Jun-2017
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Thanks for the accolade zanya
