Comment from giraffmang

Good

Hi there,

Good atmospheric writing here, except for the cliché of the opening lines - but what can you do! lol

I think you might want to look at the sequencing here though. In the second paragraph it says that blood has already been spilt, yet in the final line the battle hasn't started. You may mean before this battle but that isn't how it reads.

All the best
GMG

 Comment Written 19-Apr-2017

---

reply by the author on 25-Apr-2017

In the second paragraph the reference is to previously fought battles. In the final line it means another confrontation is about to occur.

Comment from Mustang Patty

Excellent

thank you for sharing your entry in the Begin this story contest. You've painted a picture of war, and all of the despair that comes with it. There IS also a sense of anticipation here - all too true, too
~patty~

 Comment Written 19-Apr-2017

---

reply by the author on 25-Apr-2017

Thanks. Glad you enjoyed this.

Comment from RodG

Excellent

I like how you introduce your story with a character who could be a hero or villain, then following up with the onrush of invaders. Readers who like action will love this story.

 Comment Written 19-Apr-2017

---

reply by the author on 25-Apr-2017

Thanks.

Comment from tfawcus

Excellent

You have set the scene well here with some graphic imagery to tempt the reader into your story. It promises to be full of action! My only query is your choice of 'voraciously'. I'm not entirely sure it is the right word in the context - wanting or devouring great quantities of food...?

 Comment Written 19-Apr-2017

---

reply by the author on 25-Apr-2017

Thanks. Glad you enjoyed this.

Comment from kahpot

Excellent

Excellent all asked for conditions are catered for with a great read to follow, with wonderful artwork to enhance good luck in your competition ****kahpot

 Comment Written 19-Apr-2017

---

reply by the author on 25-Apr-2017

Thanks.