The Crowned Phoenix
Lost; Now Found10 total reviews
Comment from giraffmang
Hi there,
I think you may have mis-categorised this as a script when it should really be a short story. Interesting developments and I can just see the experts faces lighting up! lol
There is a bit of tidying up needed though-
I found a gold-colored bird under a loose tile (paragraph one) / beneath the jagged tile and crumbling grout was a burnished gold figure...some kind of bird (paragraph two) - this is needless repetition. It is the same information twice in quick succession.
I thought it odd that it was under a tile;( not an easy place to consider if one wanted to hide something.)
- there is no need for the semi-colon here as no actual sentence follows it.
into a drawer.I thought - need a space following the full stop.
and find out its value; if any - no semi-colon needed, only a comma.
Finally, I got up and said, "if you are busy - the dialogue should start with a capital.
Also, it may be an idea to differentiate between thought and dialogue by using different marks.
"if you are busy, I'll take this to someone else for an appraisal. - need closing speech marks here.
said,"Give it to me, please."- need a space after the comma.
His next words were a question:" What do you want for this?" - here you're mixing how you present dialogue. Previously you just use the comma but her you have the colon. Either is fine but it should be consistent.
You need to go through this again and check for spacing issues. frequently you don't insert them following commas and full stops, nor at speech marks.
the words described it's origin - its origin.
"Its impossible to guard some trinket - It's.
,"I have "The Crowned Phoenix". - you need another set of speech marks to close this dialogue off. At present only the quote is closed and the dialogue open.
first to make that claim, Ms,?"- should be a full stop after Ms rather than a comma.
Also it would be better to use separate lines for different speakers rather than running them together.
"Good God, this appears to be, perhaps, "The Crowned Phoenix". - again the dialogue isn't closed off here, only the quote.
Many through-out history, have thought it was Ramses - throughout / Ramses'.
Thutmose 11 in his book,"The Bible History Volume 2.
- you need to close off the quote (book title) and dialogue here.
The curator continued, "of course - Of as the previous sentence is closed off.
In dialogue, if you begin a new paragraph there should be corresponding opening speech marks.
"We will work this out together someday; but not this day. My bird and I are leaving.
- need closing speech marks here.
I have to say that I felt the last line was weak and a little out of keeping with the rest of the tale.
All the best
GMG
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Hi there,
I think you may have mis-categorised this as a script when it should really be a short story. Interesting developments and I can just see the experts faces lighting up! lol
There is a bit of tidying up needed though-
I found a gold-colored bird under a loose tile (paragraph one) / beneath the jagged tile and crumbling grout was a burnished gold figure...some kind of bird (paragraph two) - this is needless repetition. It is the same information twice in quick succession.
I thought it odd that it was under a tile;( not an easy place to consider if one wanted to hide something.)
- there is no need for the semi-colon here as no actual sentence follows it.
into a drawer.I thought - need a space following the full stop.
and find out its value; if any - no semi-colon needed, only a comma.
Finally, I got up and said, "if you are busy - the dialogue should start with a capital.
Also, it may be an idea to differentiate between thought and dialogue by using different marks.
"if you are busy, I'll take this to someone else for an appraisal. - need closing speech marks here.
said,"Give it to me, please."- need a space after the comma.
His next words were a question:" What do you want for this?" - here you're mixing how you present dialogue. Previously you just use the comma but her you have the colon. Either is fine but it should be consistent.
You need to go through this again and check for spacing issues. frequently you don't insert them following commas and full stops, nor at speech marks.
the words described it's origin - its origin.
"Its impossible to guard some trinket - It's.
,"I have "The Crowned Phoenix". - you need another set of speech marks to close this dialogue off. At present only the quote is closed and the dialogue open.
first to make that claim, Ms,?"- should be a full stop after Ms rather than a comma.
Also it would be better to use separate lines for different speakers rather than running them together.
"Good God, this appears to be, perhaps, "The Crowned Phoenix". - again the dialogue isn't closed off here, only the quote.
Many through-out history, have thought it was Ramses - throughout / Ramses'.
Thutmose 11 in his book,"The Bible History Volume 2.
- you need to close off the quote (book title) and dialogue here.
The curator continued, "of course - Of as the previous sentence is closed off.
In dialogue, if you begin a new paragraph there should be corresponding opening speech marks.
"We will work this out together someday; but not this day. My bird and I are leaving.
- need closing speech marks here.
I have to say that I felt the last line was weak and a little out of keeping with the rest of the tale.
All the best
GMG
Comment Written 12-Mar-2017
Comment from Mustang Patty
What an intriguing tale! I loved the suspense from the time she found the piece under the tile until she received the letter of explanation of explanation from her deceased husband's lock box. Your prose flow well and each part of the story flowed easily from one to the next. Thank you for sharing this well penned piece,
~patty~
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What an intriguing tale! I loved the suspense from the time she found the piece under the tile until she received the letter of explanation of explanation from her deceased husband's lock box. Your prose flow well and each part of the story flowed easily from one to the next. Thank you for sharing this well penned piece,
~patty~
Comment Written 12-Mar-2017
Comment from Heidi M
What an interesting story you created. I enjoyed the way you tied history and intrigue into it. The Crowned Phoenix would have been fun to find!
described (its) origin - Delete apostrophe
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What an interesting story you created. I enjoyed the way you tied history and intrigue into it. The Crowned Phoenix would have been fun to find!
described (its) origin - Delete apostrophe
Comment Written 11-Mar-2017
Comment from Mabaker
Oh, great read. I love these old digs that turn up mysterious things. Those old Pharaohs sure knew how to live and having thousands of followers didn't hurt any either. Great adventure. Sincerely Anne.
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Oh, great read. I love these old digs that turn up mysterious things. Those old Pharaohs sure knew how to live and having thousands of followers didn't hurt any either. Great adventure. Sincerely Anne.
Comment Written 11-Mar-2017
Comment from Jay Squires
I was hugely impressed by your story. First, you had to do a lot of research to make sure the facts had a measure of authenticity. But afterwards, there had to be a point where your imagination played into the mix. That is where I found myself enthralled. You are an excellent writer. You took the time to develop a cogent story-line that was totally believable, your writing is conversational, your characters believable and you have a fine sense of timing.
With all that as a positive, you are probably wondering why I deducted a star. As good a job as you did with this story, it lacked editing and that's a major part of posting a story that you want your readership to thoroughly enjoy. Each grammatical flaw or oversight yanks the reader out of his immersion into the storyline. The deduction is only temporary. As soon as you let me know you've made the corrections, I will return your "purloined" star. BTW, any suggestions I made are just that. They were not a part of the deduction. Anything that you disagree with me about, or need clarification on, let me know.
Below are the concerns and suggestions:
dropped it into a drawer.I thought, [Spacing problem after period.]
It had been a tough several years. Our sweet grandson had died from a car accident, our daughter was living out of the country with a man we never trusted, and my husband had left us a year before cancer attacked and killed him. [Good positioning for brief back-story.]
left to my husband.Old money had supported [Spacing problem after period.]
He had seen the light, however, when he became ill...His girlfriend [A problem with ellipses. An ellipsis after a complete sentence has FOUR DOTS, one for the punctuation, three for the ellipsis. Also, there is a space before and after and ellipsis.]
. Now, she surely would without his money. [I think you left out a word. Perhaps, "live" after "would"?]
Mr. Edmond glanced over, and stumbled into his desk chair. [Mixed feelings about this sentence. I wanted to commend you for it, at first, because of the effective use of "stumbled." The more I looked at it, though, I realized it's unclear where his glance was intended. If it was the character, I'd suggest adding "at me" ... but if it was the desk chair, I'd suggest "then stumbled" to better connect "glanced" with the object: desk chair. This is a suggestion, of course. Nothing more.]
I responded with,"I'm not selling it." [Another spacing error before the open quote. I scanned over the rest of your story and saw you do this frequently. So in the interest of time, I won't point out any more. I believe you might have a problem with your computer's spacebar.]
As I looked closer, the words described it's origin [... words described ITS origin. Not a contraction.]
He listened attentively, then said, "Its impossible to guard ["IT'S impossible to guard." >> this time it is a contraction]
I worried she would be next. [LOL, that's funny!]
At the bank, I checked in, and was led to a room [No comma needed after "in".]
I hope you don't take my critique as being in any way mean-spirited. You have a special gift as a writer. I don't want anything I say here to rob your confidence in your talent as a writer.
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I was hugely impressed by your story. First, you had to do a lot of research to make sure the facts had a measure of authenticity. But afterwards, there had to be a point where your imagination played into the mix. That is where I found myself enthralled. You are an excellent writer. You took the time to develop a cogent story-line that was totally believable, your writing is conversational, your characters believable and you have a fine sense of timing.
With all that as a positive, you are probably wondering why I deducted a star. As good a job as you did with this story, it lacked editing and that's a major part of posting a story that you want your readership to thoroughly enjoy. Each grammatical flaw or oversight yanks the reader out of his immersion into the storyline. The deduction is only temporary. As soon as you let me know you've made the corrections, I will return your "purloined" star. BTW, any suggestions I made are just that. They were not a part of the deduction. Anything that you disagree with me about, or need clarification on, let me know.
Below are the concerns and suggestions:
dropped it into a drawer.I thought, [Spacing problem after period.]
It had been a tough several years. Our sweet grandson had died from a car accident, our daughter was living out of the country with a man we never trusted, and my husband had left us a year before cancer attacked and killed him. [Good positioning for brief back-story.]
left to my husband.Old money had supported [Spacing problem after period.]
He had seen the light, however, when he became ill...His girlfriend [A problem with ellipses. An ellipsis after a complete sentence has FOUR DOTS, one for the punctuation, three for the ellipsis. Also, there is a space before and after and ellipsis.]
. Now, she surely would without his money. [I think you left out a word. Perhaps, "live" after "would"?]
Mr. Edmond glanced over, and stumbled into his desk chair. [Mixed feelings about this sentence. I wanted to commend you for it, at first, because of the effective use of "stumbled." The more I looked at it, though, I realized it's unclear where his glance was intended. If it was the character, I'd suggest adding "at me" ... but if it was the desk chair, I'd suggest "then stumbled" to better connect "glanced" with the object: desk chair. This is a suggestion, of course. Nothing more.]
I responded with,"I'm not selling it." [Another spacing error before the open quote. I scanned over the rest of your story and saw you do this frequently. So in the interest of time, I won't point out any more. I believe you might have a problem with your computer's spacebar.]
As I looked closer, the words described it's origin [... words described ITS origin. Not a contraction.]
He listened attentively, then said, "Its impossible to guard ["IT'S impossible to guard." >> this time it is a contraction]
I worried she would be next. [LOL, that's funny!]
At the bank, I checked in, and was led to a room [No comma needed after "in".]
I hope you don't take my critique as being in any way mean-spirited. You have a special gift as a writer. I don't want anything I say here to rob your confidence in your talent as a writer.
Comment Written 10-Mar-2017
Comment from Thesis
Author, I thought this was one of the best stories I've read in a long time. I had to keep reading to find out if it was real, and how it would change that family's lives.
Great job with the characters, they mystery, and the ending. The Cracker Jacks line was also priceless. Great job. Good luck in the contest.
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Author, I thought this was one of the best stories I've read in a long time. I had to keep reading to find out if it was real, and how it would change that family's lives.
Great job with the characters, they mystery, and the ending. The Cracker Jacks line was also priceless. Great job. Good luck in the contest.
Comment Written 10-Mar-2017
Comment from Bill Schott
This story, The Crowned Phoenix, was an interesting story involving a strong female character finding her way past one hurtle after another. The plot does take us logically through the tale, including discovery, various other characters, and the revelation by her husband.
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This story, The Crowned Phoenix, was an interesting story involving a strong female character finding her way past one hurtle after another. The plot does take us logically through the tale, including discovery, various other characters, and the revelation by her husband.
Comment Written 10-Mar-2017
Comment from prettybluebirds
Excellent. I found this to be very creative and interesting. It is smoothly written and easy to follow and understand. I enjoyed the story immensely and I wish you the best of luck in the contest.
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Excellent. I found this to be very creative and interesting. It is smoothly written and easy to follow and understand. I enjoyed the story immensely and I wish you the best of luck in the contest.
Comment Written 10-Mar-2017
Comment from Resha Caner
Hmm. This doesn't seem like a script to me, but more like general fiction.
You mention finding the bird in both the first and second paragraphs. I think it would better preserve the tension and reduce the repetitiveness to omit mention from the first paragraph. Speak only of the loose tile in the first paragraph, then the bird in the second paragraph. Then the emotion could move from irritation (i.e. "Rats! I just bought a new house and now I find the tiling is bad!") to surprise (i.e. "Ooh! What treasure is this?").
You call the other woman both wife and girlfriend, which is a bit confusing. I would pick one or the other.
I wouldn't use scare quotes so often, as in: Mr. Edmond "ordered" me ...
Next, I'm not sure who Mr. Edmond is. Is he just a jeweler? A museum curator? A professor? Further, "finders keepers" is not always how the law works with antiquities. Sometimes the state gets automatic possession. I'm not a lawyer, so maybe your MC can claim the bird, but maybe not. It's something to check.
You need quote marks at the beginning of each paragraph for the husband's confession. I thought it ended after the first paragraph, so the rest of it confused me for a bit.
Why did the husband suddenly dump the girlfriend and confess all his wrongs? I didn't see the motivation for doing that?
Also, I think you should lengthen this out, adding more emotive detail, scene description, and character development to make it a fuller story. With that said, you might have too many characters for such a short piece.
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Hmm. This doesn't seem like a script to me, but more like general fiction.
You mention finding the bird in both the first and second paragraphs. I think it would better preserve the tension and reduce the repetitiveness to omit mention from the first paragraph. Speak only of the loose tile in the first paragraph, then the bird in the second paragraph. Then the emotion could move from irritation (i.e. "Rats! I just bought a new house and now I find the tiling is bad!") to surprise (i.e. "Ooh! What treasure is this?").
You call the other woman both wife and girlfriend, which is a bit confusing. I would pick one or the other.
I wouldn't use scare quotes so often, as in: Mr. Edmond "ordered" me ...
Next, I'm not sure who Mr. Edmond is. Is he just a jeweler? A museum curator? A professor? Further, "finders keepers" is not always how the law works with antiquities. Sometimes the state gets automatic possession. I'm not a lawyer, so maybe your MC can claim the bird, but maybe not. It's something to check.
You need quote marks at the beginning of each paragraph for the husband's confession. I thought it ended after the first paragraph, so the rest of it confused me for a bit.
Why did the husband suddenly dump the girlfriend and confess all his wrongs? I didn't see the motivation for doing that?
Also, I think you should lengthen this out, adding more emotive detail, scene description, and character development to make it a fuller story. With that said, you might have too many characters for such a short piece.
Comment Written 10-Mar-2017
Comment from noeldiablo
Very deep. I enjoyed the attention to symbolic moments that one would not pay attention to in life but how they become so evident when reflecting back. Were the literal components of the story about a divorce? Life never turns out as planned but how we remember the details, perspective.
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Very deep. I enjoyed the attention to symbolic moments that one would not pay attention to in life but how they become so evident when reflecting back. Were the literal components of the story about a divorce? Life never turns out as planned but how we remember the details, perspective.
Comment Written 10-Mar-2017
