Perennials of War
Viewing comments for Chapter 12 "Chapter Four part drei"Is Anderson a gallant knight? Can he recover Shan
29 total reviews
Comment from Sefiros
Of all the characters in this piece, I enjoyed Patricia the most. Her dialogue makes it clear that she's against Drew for the hell of it. As for the other characters, I find their pieces too short to establish any kind of bond with them, due to the story's short segments. Good luck with the rest of the story.
reply by the author on 28-Jan-2017
  |
Of all the characters in this piece, I enjoyed Patricia the most. Her dialogue makes it clear that she's against Drew for the hell of it. As for the other characters, I find their pieces too short to establish any kind of bond with them, due to the story's short segments. Good luck with the rest of the story.
Comment Written 26-Jan-2017
reply by the author on 28-Jan-2017
-
Thank you for the kind and honest review.
Comment from Mastery
Hi, Barbara. You have done a wonderful job with this chapter. I noticed your paragraphs are longer. Great! That means you are detailing stements and that is very good, indeed in my opinion.
Great dialogue, too.
Suggestion: Redo this: "I got a visit from two scary men with some sort of a foreign accent. I think it was Middle Eastern, or something. They wanted to know something about a Shana Kohlberg.
Try: I got a visit from two frightening men with foreign accdents. Sounded Middle Easter to me. They wanted information about Shana Kohlberg."
Bravo! Keep up the good job. Bob
reply by the author on 28-Jan-2017
|
Hi, Barbara. You have done a wonderful job with this chapter. I noticed your paragraphs are longer. Great! That means you are detailing stements and that is very good, indeed in my opinion.
Great dialogue, too.
Suggestion: Redo this: "I got a visit from two scary men with some sort of a foreign accent. I think it was Middle Eastern, or something. They wanted to know something about a Shana Kohlberg.
Try: I got a visit from two frightening men with foreign accdents. Sounded Middle Easter to me. They wanted information about Shana Kohlberg."
Bravo! Keep up the good job. Bob
Comment Written 24-Jan-2017
reply by the author on 28-Jan-2017
-
Thank you for the help. I have made the changes.
Comment from giraffmang
Nice continuation. Tone consistent and engaging.
"I can do better than that. I took his picture" - need punctuation before the closing speech marks here.
Nice character development and backstory deepened for Anderson with the ex turning up.
All the best
G
reply by the author on 28-Jan-2017
|
Nice continuation. Tone consistent and engaging.
"I can do better than that. I took his picture" - need punctuation before the closing speech marks here.
Nice character development and backstory deepened for Anderson with the ex turning up.
All the best
G
Comment Written 24-Jan-2017
reply by the author on 28-Jan-2017
-
I added that wayward period. Thank you for the catch.
Comment from Meia (MESAYERS)
WOW You have so much writing talent. How brilliant this chapter is!This work is superb I would pay to read any one of your books or stories, you have genuine skill an it is reflected here effectively in this fantastic story... enjoyed so much Well done and look forward to reading more kindest regards, Meia x
reply by the author on 28-Jan-2017
|
WOW You have so much writing talent. How brilliant this chapter is!This work is superb I would pay to read any one of your books or stories, you have genuine skill an it is reflected here effectively in this fantastic story... enjoyed so much Well done and look forward to reading more kindest regards, Meia x
Comment Written 24-Jan-2017
reply by the author on 28-Jan-2017
-
Thank you for the encouraging review.
Comment from mbroyles2
I understand your concern with using a real person but when writing fiction you have certain liberties, especially if that person isn't alive.
Be that as it may it takes nothing away from your story by changing it.
I will say that ex-wife of Andrew's is something else.
This story has a great plot and I'm enjoying reading this.
Michael
reply by the author on 28-Jan-2017
|
I understand your concern with using a real person but when writing fiction you have certain liberties, especially if that person isn't alive.
Be that as it may it takes nothing away from your story by changing it.
I will say that ex-wife of Andrew's is something else.
This story has a great plot and I'm enjoying reading this.
Michael
Comment Written 23-Jan-2017
reply by the author on 28-Jan-2017
-
Even though the author has long died, the painting is owned by an individual and it was pointed out that somebody somewhere could begin to believe that it was a piece of stolen artwork. I don't want to cause any undue stress. Thank you for the kind review.
-
Then I'm possibly going to piss off a lot of people in Louisiana. :D
Comment from light
Interesting conversation between ex wife about Emily, the daughter. Intrigue continues over the two strange men continuing stalk Shana. Well done.
Elaine
reply by the author on 28-Jan-2017
|
Interesting conversation between ex wife about Emily, the daughter. Intrigue continues over the two strange men continuing stalk Shana. Well done.
Elaine
Comment Written 23-Jan-2017
reply by the author on 28-Jan-2017
-
Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from Rasmine
Cool! Romance and suspense are excellent bedfellows. I love art--I know what period you speak of--Renaissance right? (I am probably way off the mark.)
Well, I think it is a very interesting chapter. I didn't find any typos or errors. :) Keep writing!
reply by the author on 28-Jan-2017
|
Cool! Romance and suspense are excellent bedfellows. I love art--I know what period you speak of--Renaissance right? (I am probably way off the mark.)
Well, I think it is a very interesting chapter. I didn't find any typos or errors. :) Keep writing!
Comment Written 23-Jan-2017
reply by the author on 28-Jan-2017
-
Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from dweigt
Interesting! I like how you are adding complications, with the ex-wife showing up and the daughter soon to arrive.
Just a few minor points:
When I first saw the 'Winter-Traum,' -- I think the comma should be outside the quote marks -- When I first saw the 'Winter-Traum',
Drew, lunch will be delayed a little. The grocery store just called and asked if they could make the delivery earlier than normal. -- I'm not clear how the delivery being early would delay lunch. Maybe too much information?
When his ex-wife arrives, it is a little confusing. When she first speaks, I thought she was still on the intercom, but then it became apparent she had stepped out of the elevator. I do like how you showed the tension between them. Do they really embed diamonds in leather couches? Sounds like it would scratch! :-)
Anderson seems a little obsessed with lunch in this section.
Anxious to see where this goes. Keep writing!
reply by the author on 28-Jan-2017
|
Interesting! I like how you are adding complications, with the ex-wife showing up and the daughter soon to arrive.
Just a few minor points:
When I first saw the 'Winter-Traum,' -- I think the comma should be outside the quote marks -- When I first saw the 'Winter-Traum',
Drew, lunch will be delayed a little. The grocery store just called and asked if they could make the delivery earlier than normal. -- I'm not clear how the delivery being early would delay lunch. Maybe too much information?
When his ex-wife arrives, it is a little confusing. When she first speaks, I thought she was still on the intercom, but then it became apparent she had stepped out of the elevator. I do like how you showed the tension between them. Do they really embed diamonds in leather couches? Sounds like it would scratch! :-)
Anderson seems a little obsessed with lunch in this section.
Anxious to see where this goes. Keep writing!
Comment Written 23-Jan-2017
reply by the author on 28-Jan-2017
-
I'll work on the lunch issue. I added more about it because somebody said, it needed more information. As for the couch, yes there really is a couch with diamonds embedded. I appreciate the help.
Comment from Heidi M
Anderson's ex needs to EXit out of his life on a permanent basis. Whyever did he marry her in the first place? Poor Emily spending most of her time with an unloving mother. How is he going to keep Emily separated from Shana? If the two meet, I'm sure they will really like each other.
You have lots of good things going on here. I enjoyed reading this chapter and think you were wise to change the painting/author to something fictitious but that still shadows reality.
reply by the author on 28-Jan-2017
|
Anderson's ex needs to EXit out of his life on a permanent basis. Whyever did he marry her in the first place? Poor Emily spending most of her time with an unloving mother. How is he going to keep Emily separated from Shana? If the two meet, I'm sure they will really like each other.
You have lots of good things going on here. I enjoyed reading this chapter and think you were wise to change the painting/author to something fictitious but that still shadows reality.
Comment Written 23-Jan-2017
reply by the author on 28-Jan-2017
-
Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from robyn corum
This was a rather simple and straight-forward chapter. Everything looked great, made sense and I didn't see a single nit. Great job, Barbara. I look forward to the next!
reply by the author on 28-Jan-2017
|
This was a rather simple and straight-forward chapter. Everything looked great, made sense and I didn't see a single nit. Great job, Barbara. I look forward to the next!
Comment Written 23-Jan-2017
reply by the author on 28-Jan-2017
-
Thank you for the kind review.
