Bubba and Patch
potlatch animal prose 600 words15 total reviews
Comment from Dustybones
I was and might still be unsure of what happened here. The old man had a farm that his relatives wanted so he was killed or died. The two dogs then ran and killed the relatives. ?
reply by the author on 07-Dec-2016
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I was and might still be unsure of what happened here. The old man had a farm that his relatives wanted so he was killed or died. The two dogs then ran and killed the relatives. ?
Comment Written 07-Dec-2016
reply by the author on 07-Dec-2016
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The facts are simple. A sick child given to hallucinations thought she saw two dogs she had never seen racing down the highway, and the old man was neglected and allowed to die by his stepchildren. Someone or something butchered the stepchildren. The child died a few weeks later and was cremated. Guys like me like to think the old man's dogs avenged him.
An attempt at a subtle spooky horror tale. I get pretty experimental sometimes. Thanks very much for reading and reviewing.
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Thank you for the explanation.
Comment from Realist101
Oh Red...this is so eerie. But for you, a bit disjointed...I was sort of lost in places as you go from one scene to the next...maybe try to smooth it out a bit with some more details between paragraphs? Just my thoughts. I do love this...as I do all your wild stories. I promise to read it again if you let me know? Hope you're doing well. Your fan, Susan
reply by the author on 06-Dec-2016
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Oh Red...this is so eerie. But for you, a bit disjointed...I was sort of lost in places as you go from one scene to the next...maybe try to smooth it out a bit with some more details between paragraphs? Just my thoughts. I do love this...as I do all your wild stories. I promise to read it again if you let me know? Hope you're doing well. Your fan, Susan
Comment Written 06-Dec-2016
reply by the author on 06-Dec-2016
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I confess to writing this a little like a puzzle. All that is known is that a nasty couple of people were killed, after they allowed an old relative to die. Miles away a sick child who often hallucinated claimed to have seen giant dogs running in traffic. If I re-edit this, it will be longer, which is bad on Fanstory...Thank you very much as always, Susan, for reading and reviewing.
Comment from Pearl Edwards
Wow, this is a bit different. From the title I expected a nice doggy tale but this one has many little twists and turns and the final flurry of murder and mayhem. Great job, Red.
cheers,
valda
reply by the author on 06-Dec-2016
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Wow, this is a bit different. From the title I expected a nice doggy tale but this one has many little twists and turns and the final flurry of murder and mayhem. Great job, Red.
cheers,
valda
Comment Written 06-Dec-2016
reply by the author on 06-Dec-2016
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I figured the challenge would have plenty of sad stories, and plenty of heartwarming stories about animals. Horror stories,
maybe not. Thanks very much for reading and reviewing.
Comment from Mary Wakeford
This was an emotional read, but the ending made it all worthwhile. It was a fabulous take on the challenge. It reminded me a little of The Sixth Sense I believe it was called, starring Bruce Willis, and the little boy who 'saw'. Excellent!
Kelli never really came to Earth. She came to the fringes; peeped in and went away.
"They got along so good. What a shame. But that second call--that was the cops. -> "They got along so well.
reply by the author on 05-Dec-2016
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This was an emotional read, but the ending made it all worthwhile. It was a fabulous take on the challenge. It reminded me a little of The Sixth Sense I believe it was called, starring Bruce Willis, and the little boy who 'saw'. Excellent!
Kelli never really came to Earth. She came to the fringes; peeped in and went away.
"They got along so good. What a shame. But that second call--that was the cops. -> "They got along so well.
Comment Written 05-Dec-2016
reply by the author on 05-Dec-2016
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I meant to give that country girl receptionist a little vernacular. Probably should change it, since even here in the hills no one speaks dialect anymore but me...thanks very much for reading and reviewing. Yep, and I had only begun to suspect the truth as the credits rolled. Good movie.
Comment from Dawn Munro
Ooooh! This is exceptional writing - just one thing - it might only be me, but you completely lost me. I felt like I dropped in on a book chapter, having missed too much to understand (fully) what was happening. Sorry - I don't mean to be discouraging, but starting off as you did made me check to see if the story was going to be about aliens, or fantasy, and then when I realized this was a child who was very ill (and hallucinating?). I got lost all over again with the old man's death, and then the discovery of the bodies of his step-kids. Kelli had a vision? Premonition?
Anyway, as I said, the writing is fabulous, as far as it goes, but clarity is somewhat lacking, at least it is for me. Just a couple of sentences to fully state what was happening with the child would have worked to make me not have to try to figure it out. Just my opinion, of course - I hope I haven't offended. It's meant to help.
reply by the author on 05-Dec-2016
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Ooooh! This is exceptional writing - just one thing - it might only be me, but you completely lost me. I felt like I dropped in on a book chapter, having missed too much to understand (fully) what was happening. Sorry - I don't mean to be discouraging, but starting off as you did made me check to see if the story was going to be about aliens, or fantasy, and then when I realized this was a child who was very ill (and hallucinating?). I got lost all over again with the old man's death, and then the discovery of the bodies of his step-kids. Kelli had a vision? Premonition?
Anyway, as I said, the writing is fabulous, as far as it goes, but clarity is somewhat lacking, at least it is for me. Just a couple of sentences to fully state what was happening with the child would have worked to make me not have to try to figure it out. Just my opinion, of course - I hope I haven't offended. It's meant to help.
Comment Written 05-Dec-2016
reply by the author on 05-Dec-2016
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All the reader could know was that a sick little girl who often hallucinated thought she saw dogs she had never seen, and a sick old man was neglected and died, and his unsavory next of kin were murdered. All pretty oblique, by design. Probably a drug deal that went south. Or a real ghost/horror story. Thanks very much for trying this challenge entry.
Comment from humpwhistle
Somehow, I always feel as if I enter your stories somewhere in the middle. I'm not complaining, just making an observation.
I have no doubt our pets would avenge. I have no doubt a sick little girl might see a Chihuahua as big as a horse.
A couple of times, Red, I tripped over pronouns--she/her mostly.
Peace, Lee
reply by the author on 05-Dec-2016
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Somehow, I always feel as if I enter your stories somewhere in the middle. I'm not complaining, just making an observation.
I have no doubt our pets would avenge. I have no doubt a sick little girl might see a Chihuahua as big as a horse.
A couple of times, Red, I tripped over pronouns--she/her mostly.
Peace, Lee
Comment Written 05-Dec-2016
reply by the author on 05-Dec-2016
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This one is all there is, unlike most of my flash fiction where I use my stock characters. I didn't edit it as much as I should have, I guess. Thanks very much for reading and reviewing. Now, let me count the hers...
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I suspected this was a fresh piece, but you always like to start in the middle. Frankly, I like that. L
Comment from ~Dovey
Hi LIJ:
It sounds like Patch and Bubba took their revenge for the old man's death. What a unique story. I liked the connection between the child and the old man.
Thanks for sharing.
Kim
reply by the author on 05-Dec-2016
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Hi LIJ:
It sounds like Patch and Bubba took their revenge for the old man's death. What a unique story. I liked the connection between the child and the old man.
Thanks for sharing.
Kim
Comment Written 05-Dec-2016
reply by the author on 05-Dec-2016
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There have been terrifying stories of old folks abused by their relatives for money. Maybe we need a Bubba squad to discourage such activity. Thanks very much for reading my challenge entry.
Comment from ciliverde
Wow! This is powerful imagery, Red! The sick, wisp of a girl and her old friend. I guess she had some kind of vision of the vengeance that was coming for those step kids. Wow! I wonder if that special young lady somehow had a hand in that vengeance...
Carol
reply by the author on 05-Dec-2016
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Wow! This is powerful imagery, Red! The sick, wisp of a girl and her old friend. I guess she had some kind of vision of the vengeance that was coming for those step kids. Wow! I wonder if that special young lady somehow had a hand in that vengeance...
Carol
Comment Written 05-Dec-2016
reply by the author on 05-Dec-2016
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Maybe. Who knows? King had a great yarn in Firestarter...thanks very much for reading and reviewing.
Comment from damommy
Good for Bubba and Patches. They avenged the old man's murder.
The little girl and the old man are in Heaven together, after a close friendship on earth.
This was a very touching story. I like the fact that the dogs won. LOL.
reply by the author on 04-Dec-2016
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Good for Bubba and Patches. They avenged the old man's murder.
The little girl and the old man are in Heaven together, after a close friendship on earth.
This was a very touching story. I like the fact that the dogs won. LOL.
Comment Written 04-Dec-2016
reply by the author on 04-Dec-2016
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The two dogs described were real favorites of the wife and I years ago. A Bubba as big as a collie would be terrifying, much less the size of a horse. Thanks very much for reading and reviewing.
Comment from Jay Squires
Your characteristically arcane opening paragraph left me scratching my head. Doubt that I'm alone. However, the rest was understandable and even piquant. Kelli's quite a character and the fact that she saw the two spiritdogs added to the suspense. Well done, compadre.
reply by the author on 04-Dec-2016
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Your characteristically arcane opening paragraph left me scratching my head. Doubt that I'm alone. However, the rest was understandable and even piquant. Kelli's quite a character and the fact that she saw the two spiritdogs added to the suspense. Well done, compadre.
Comment Written 04-Dec-2016
reply by the author on 04-Dec-2016
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I was awed by the thought of a Chihuahua like the wife's first one, Bubba, the size of a horse. The size of a hound would be scary. Thanks much for reading and reviewing, Jay.
