Lancaster, California-A Secret Oasis
A Travel Guide--Potlatch Challenge25 total reviews
Comment from Gypsy Blue Rose
I want to experience the decadence of breakfast at Crazy Otto's.
Hello, Mike, how are you, no time no see. I think I am going to pack up my bags and come to Lancaster for a couple of months. Say, would your Mrs and you be good enough to host me? I am an excellent guest. I have references, even.
You did an awesome job at selling your Lancaster's secret oasis. I bet your town's tourism is going to go through the roof!
Fabulous job, Mr Pot-latchander,
Gypsy
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I want to experience the decadence of breakfast at Crazy Otto's.
Hello, Mike, how are you, no time no see. I think I am going to pack up my bags and come to Lancaster for a couple of months. Say, would your Mrs and you be good enough to host me? I am an excellent guest. I have references, even.
You did an awesome job at selling your Lancaster's secret oasis. I bet your town's tourism is going to go through the roof!
Fabulous job, Mr Pot-latchander,
Gypsy
Comment Written 30-Nov-2016
Comment from Scarbrems
Mikey, this has all your usual flamboyance. You create some great images, here, and I appreciate all to well how hard this is to do in the time. I also understand you are not as experienced with prose. I'm sorry, but I can't honestly give you a five, because I found a few things which weren't quite there.
My additions/changes in brackets:
'What in the world could possibly be in the middle of the desert anyone would want to spend a weekend exploring(?) SAND?'
'Now, if you'd like to sit in a little bistro in the Napa Valley and sip a little wine, and dab at some bean sprouts and tofu and watch your weight then you probably won't want to experience the decadence of breakfast at Crazy Otto's' - this needs reworking. It's an awfully long sentence, with a lot of repetition of 'and'.
"You're not going to eat that, are you? I mean, you can feel me pounding in your chest just looking at (it)." - I'll add that I really love this idea of the conversational heart. I know mine would say, 'pack in the fags'. (oops, sorry, cigarettes. Fags means something else to you folk, doesn't it?)
'An omelet with more eggs than you can count(,) covered with a mountain of cheese(,) filled with sausage, bacon and ham in quantities (that make) you wonder if pigs are now on the endangered species list'
'Each bite grips your heart(,) and the battle for each beat begins as you consume it' - use a comma before 'and' when it connects two independent clauses.
'chilies grilled to perfection(,) and a sprig of parsley to throw on the floor in contempt, a requirement'
'I suppose it would be quite a (sight,) with it being tall'
'Now, the gold rush here in California provided some excitement back in the day (,as) you can imagine'
'People still find it(,) and so can you'
I guess you imagine it to be some entity buried miles beneath the surface of the Earth(,) hiding in the shadows waiting to wreak havoc'
I hope this has been helpful, and you aren't too hurt at the loss of a star. I do love your conversational style, and think you are a very talented writer. It just wants a little tidying.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
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Mikey, this has all your usual flamboyance. You create some great images, here, and I appreciate all to well how hard this is to do in the time. I also understand you are not as experienced with prose. I'm sorry, but I can't honestly give you a five, because I found a few things which weren't quite there.
My additions/changes in brackets:
'What in the world could possibly be in the middle of the desert anyone would want to spend a weekend exploring(?) SAND?'
'Now, if you'd like to sit in a little bistro in the Napa Valley and sip a little wine, and dab at some bean sprouts and tofu and watch your weight then you probably won't want to experience the decadence of breakfast at Crazy Otto's' - this needs reworking. It's an awfully long sentence, with a lot of repetition of 'and'.
"You're not going to eat that, are you? I mean, you can feel me pounding in your chest just looking at (it)." - I'll add that I really love this idea of the conversational heart. I know mine would say, 'pack in the fags'. (oops, sorry, cigarettes. Fags means something else to you folk, doesn't it?)
'An omelet with more eggs than you can count(,) covered with a mountain of cheese(,) filled with sausage, bacon and ham in quantities (that make) you wonder if pigs are now on the endangered species list'
'Each bite grips your heart(,) and the battle for each beat begins as you consume it' - use a comma before 'and' when it connects two independent clauses.
'chilies grilled to perfection(,) and a sprig of parsley to throw on the floor in contempt, a requirement'
'I suppose it would be quite a (sight,) with it being tall'
'Now, the gold rush here in California provided some excitement back in the day (,as) you can imagine'
'People still find it(,) and so can you'
I guess you imagine it to be some entity buried miles beneath the surface of the Earth(,) hiding in the shadows waiting to wreak havoc'
I hope this has been helpful, and you aren't too hurt at the loss of a star. I do love your conversational style, and think you are a very talented writer. It just wants a little tidying.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 29-Nov-2016
Comment from robyn corum
Hey! Book me a flight and a hotel room! I'ma headed your way! That all sounds so cool! But I like historical stuff like that -- and I'm really okay with that food stuff, too~! *smile*
Just one tiny nit:
1.) mountain of cheese (filled) with sausage, bacon and ham
Thanks! I enjoyed the trip!
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Hey! Book me a flight and a hotel room! I'ma headed your way! That all sounds so cool! But I like historical stuff like that -- and I'm really okay with that food stuff, too~! *smile*
Just one tiny nit:
1.) mountain of cheese (filled) with sausage, bacon and ham
Thanks! I enjoyed the trip!
Comment Written 29-Nov-2016
Comment from LIJ Red
Does sound like it was written by the chamber of commerce to promote tourism.
The omelet sounds great. Haven't had breakfast yet. Very slick writing.
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Does sound like it was written by the chamber of commerce to promote tourism.
The omelet sounds great. Haven't had breakfast yet. Very slick writing.
Comment Written 29-Nov-2016
Comment from ~Dovey
Hey Mikey!
There is this restaurant in Anchorage, Alaska called Gwennie's... I think her and Crazy Otto should get married! lol The food sounds totally compatible! If you make it through the entire breakfast plate, you've really accomplished something!
I won't put this in my piece, but you so aren't going to believe this! lol I grew up on a side street of a road called Badger Rd. (which just so happens to be built along an extension of the San Andreas Fault) See there, we're almost neighbors already lol
This is a great piece. It grabs the reader's attention with such enthusiasm that it makes them want to tell you their stories, too. I can totally relate with you. Technically (for our precipitation) we are considered a desert... ok, minus the sand!
I dig the totally laid back tone of this piece. Should this sentence end in a ? instead:
You're familiar with the sound barrier, I'm guessing.
Awesome piece of work!! Thanks for sharing!
Kim
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Hey Mikey!
There is this restaurant in Anchorage, Alaska called Gwennie's... I think her and Crazy Otto should get married! lol The food sounds totally compatible! If you make it through the entire breakfast plate, you've really accomplished something!
I won't put this in my piece, but you so aren't going to believe this! lol I grew up on a side street of a road called Badger Rd. (which just so happens to be built along an extension of the San Andreas Fault) See there, we're almost neighbors already lol
This is a great piece. It grabs the reader's attention with such enthusiasm that it makes them want to tell you their stories, too. I can totally relate with you. Technically (for our precipitation) we are considered a desert... ok, minus the sand!
I dig the totally laid back tone of this piece. Should this sentence end in a ? instead:
You're familiar with the sound barrier, I'm guessing.
Awesome piece of work!! Thanks for sharing!
Kim
Comment Written 29-Nov-2016
Comment from BOO ghost
Lancaster, is that where they do underground nuclear tests? Well, Lion King. You need some hot chicks to endorse your travel guide or BOO ain't coming. I know two creepy things that can be smack dab -- in the middle of the desert. Rattlesnakes and scorpions! How on earth do you escape the heat? On a positive note, my two cats, Domino and Ducky will have one helluva litter box to do their business in. Wow! Ain't it hot enough without eating chill peppers! This must be hell on earth. nope. A sissy could not last in Lancaster. Only the strong survive. Kudos to you, Lion King. So, are there really gold mines and streams to pan gold in? Damn! i SURE HOPE that a quake don't kill you. right dab in the middle of a fault zone. That is do loco. PAY MUST BE GRAND TO STAY IN Lancaster. yEP, like to visit where Frank Zappa lived. I see why he vacated the premises and Judy Garland too! No rainbows in the Mojave desert, right? Well, BOO would send you a violin but maybe I can bring some Christmas cheer your way! BOO panned the Mississippi river, guess what he found? a GOLD NUGGET! STICK THAT IN YOUR NAP SACK! Lion King. BOO!
reply by the author on 29-Nov-2016
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Lancaster, is that where they do underground nuclear tests? Well, Lion King. You need some hot chicks to endorse your travel guide or BOO ain't coming. I know two creepy things that can be smack dab -- in the middle of the desert. Rattlesnakes and scorpions! How on earth do you escape the heat? On a positive note, my two cats, Domino and Ducky will have one helluva litter box to do their business in. Wow! Ain't it hot enough without eating chill peppers! This must be hell on earth. nope. A sissy could not last in Lancaster. Only the strong survive. Kudos to you, Lion King. So, are there really gold mines and streams to pan gold in? Damn! i SURE HOPE that a quake don't kill you. right dab in the middle of a fault zone. That is do loco. PAY MUST BE GRAND TO STAY IN Lancaster. yEP, like to visit where Frank Zappa lived. I see why he vacated the premises and Judy Garland too! No rainbows in the Mojave desert, right? Well, BOO would send you a violin but maybe I can bring some Christmas cheer your way! BOO panned the Mississippi river, guess what he found? a GOLD NUGGET! STICK THAT IN YOUR NAP SACK! Lion King. BOO!
Comment Written 28-Nov-2016
reply by the author on 29-Nov-2016
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HAAAAAAA! Love your reviews more than my piece.
Vintage ghostly musings to entertain me to DEATH.
Thanks a million, BOO. You are too generous. I see you have a contest up. A roast.... Hmmmmm should be devilish fun. mikey
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Yep, and the cool thing about it, you can roast more than one wiener, simultaneously. tWO Franks on a stick. Have fun Lion King. i LIKE TO SCARE FOLKS TO DEATH, SO boo HAS SOMEBODY TO PLAY WITH.
Comment from sandy montgomery
What I like about this is how genuinely enthusiastic it sounds. You either love your home town or have done an excellent job of faking it! I think you make this a place anyone would want to visit. If I had any notes it would be that you didn't say where your town was in CA other than referring to the dessert. That being said you made Lancaster a trip to add to my bucket list.
reply by the author on 29-Nov-2016
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What I like about this is how genuinely enthusiastic it sounds. You either love your home town or have done an excellent job of faking it! I think you make this a place anyone would want to visit. If I had any notes it would be that you didn't say where your town was in CA other than referring to the dessert. That being said you made Lancaster a trip to add to my bucket list.
Comment Written 28-Nov-2016
reply by the author on 29-Nov-2016
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Yeah, faking it. HAHAHA! The breakfast is great though. We can hop on the freeway to Hollywood in thirty minutes if we get bored with the desert though, so all's not lost. :))
All that stuff is here though. Lots of sand too. Thanks so much. mikey
Comment from robina1978
Excellent photo of gold that complements your story about your home town perfectly. You taught me some things about California that I did not know. I especially enjoyed the part about the gold mines in the past, and the spacecraft area. No changes needed. Best wishes for the contest.
reply by the author on 29-Nov-2016
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Excellent photo of gold that complements your story about your home town perfectly. You taught me some things about California that I did not know. I especially enjoyed the part about the gold mines in the past, and the spacecraft area. No changes needed. Best wishes for the contest.
Comment Written 28-Nov-2016
reply by the author on 29-Nov-2016
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Thanks so much, Ine
It's not a real contest. We just do it for fun really. Stop by the Challenges forum. We post a topic and everybody writes a piece. Then we all review each other. We'd love to have you. Just write about your hometown. :)) mikey
Comment from Sandra Stoner-Mitchell
I'm on the next plane to Lancaster with my pick and shovel! I would like to see that field of poppies, they are one of my favourite flowers. Your town has a lot going for it, even though it's in the middle of the desert. I loved reading all the descriptions, it really does sound a nice place to live. You came through the challenge excellently! :) Sandra xx
reply by the author on 29-Nov-2016
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I'm on the next plane to Lancaster with my pick and shovel! I would like to see that field of poppies, they are one of my favourite flowers. Your town has a lot going for it, even though it's in the middle of the desert. I loved reading all the descriptions, it really does sound a nice place to live. You came through the challenge excellently! :) Sandra xx
Comment Written 28-Nov-2016
reply by the author on 29-Nov-2016
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Welllllll, I exaggerated a bit. But, Hollywood is right up the freeway and L.A., so if we get bored there's plenty to do THERE. HAHAHA! Thanks so much. Stop by and write one. England is not represented!! mikey
Comment from Pearl Edwards
cheese filed (filled) with sausage,
Love the description of the big brekkie, especially the parsley. After eating a meal like that I reckon you'd need a sleep, but it sounds like there is so much to do out there in the sand. Great, amusing travel log mikey, enjoyed it.
cheers
valda
reply by the author on 29-Nov-2016
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cheese filed (filled) with sausage,
Love the description of the big brekkie, especially the parsley. After eating a meal like that I reckon you'd need a sleep, but it sounds like there is so much to do out there in the sand. Great, amusing travel log mikey, enjoyed it.
cheers
valda
Comment Written 28-Nov-2016
reply by the author on 29-Nov-2016
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I'm exaggerating. But the breakfast is all that. LOL mikey
