Comment from Mabaker

Excellent

Thank God for Pa. Your ability to describe is spot-on. Deep croupy roar. Worn driver train sang a gritty, howling song. Very, very good. I don't do critical reviews, so if there are any mistakes I didn't seem 'em. Great talent showed all the way through. Sincerely Mabaker

 Comment Written 12-Nov-2016

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reply by the author on 12-Nov-2016

Thanks very much for reading and reviewing my hidden-emotions-on-a-bus flash fiction. I made the trip described once, but I was just in a fever to get home on leave and see my wife and parents. That leave was a high point in my long life...

Comment from Pearl Edwards

Excellent

dentures too small, letting his chin buddy up to his nose - creates quite a picture of the bus driver on this frustratingly slow drive for this angry and jealous man. Great story Red, and I like the interjection of Pa to tell him the real truth. Great job with this challenge.
cheers,
valda

 Comment Written 07-Nov-2016

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reply by the author on 07-Nov-2016

I knew sailors who got poison pen letters from home. Bad business in rough duty stations like Adak. Thanks very much for reading and reviewing.

Comment from Linda Engel

Excellent

Good one Red. I needed a good story to perk me up this afternoon. Delightful and entertaining. Jealousy is a mean devil and glad his dad had the good sense to head him off and tell him the truth. Enjoyed this a lot.

 Comment Written 07-Nov-2016

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reply by the author on 07-Nov-2016

You are the one who might notice my juggling of the towns along old SR 5...thanks very much for reading and reviewing. Yes, I don't think he was going to be much fun until his Pa met him.

reply by Linda Engel on 07-Nov-2016

yes I did. I said "been there, and there, and there....."

Comment from Jannypan (Jan)

Excellent

LIJ,

You did a great job with the potlatch prompt. I could easily follow it. I like the vernacular as it adds authenticity to your story. Your descriptions were believable.

You captured the emotion well of the serviceman who received the poison pen letter.

Good job & thanks for sharing. Jan

 Comment Written 07-Nov-2016

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reply by the author on 07-Nov-2016

Thanks very much for reading and reviewing. Poison pen and Dear John letters, the bane of overseas bases.

Comment from robyn corum

Excellent

Well, this definitely was on a bus, and definitely had the underpinnings of emotions holding it up. I think you did a super job, Lije. Better than most of the others I've read! Thanks!

 Comment Written 07-Nov-2016

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reply by the author on 07-Nov-2016

Thank you very kindly, Ms Robyn, Ah really do 'preciate yo' supportive words, y'all. Every now and then a shipmate would get a nasty letter from a meddler back home. Too many were lies or gossip.

Comment from Sandra du Plessis

Excellent

A well-written piece. To hear bad news, the only transport is a bus to go fix the problems. The bus trip is cut short before the final destination and the truth is revealed. Making best of the two weeks.

 Comment Written 07-Nov-2016

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reply by the author on 07-Nov-2016

I figure his murderous rage on the bus was bringing me close to the challenge prompt. Thanks very much for reading and reviewing.

Comment from Gloria ....

Excellent

Once more your signature authentic and totally unique writing.

For example,

gaunt and stooped, with dentures too small, letting his chin buddy up to his nose. - Exceptional description. I've seen this look and you nailed it totally.

And the cow horns too. This is such a vivid description with the anxiety building with each passing minute.

Good grief, and all that over a lying, envious so=called best friend. Pffft who needs friends like that.

Excellent writing here, Ellijay and a great response to the potlatch prompt.

Gloria

 Comment Written 06-Nov-2016

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reply by the author on 07-Nov-2016

In those days, poison-pen letters from back home happened to servicemen overseas. He shoulda called home(at $4.55 for the first three minutes) but what do ya say? Thanks for reading and reviewing.

Comment from Dustybones

Excellent

My little guess is that on the bus the guy main emotion was pure anger. Then later he was happy. These are very hard to guess. Hope to cya soon.

 Comment Written 06-Nov-2016

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reply by the author on 06-Nov-2016

Rage that changes to happiness. Thanks very much for reading and reviewing my challenge entry...

Comment from damommy

Excellent

I thought the beginning was fine. It hooked me. And I like that you wrote the dialect in the dialogue.

I was so afraid you were going to say he got caught and thrown in the brig. Interesting story. 8-)

 Comment Written 06-Nov-2016

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reply by the author on 06-Nov-2016

You'd be surprised how often servicemen in the old days got poison pen letters from mean or misguided souls back home.
I try to preserve dialog. It's disappearing fast. TV, I guess. Thanks very much for reading and reviewing.

reply by damommy on 06-Nov-2016

TV and all the texting "grammar" they use today.

Comment from Jay Squires

Excellent

This is the kind of writing I always enjoy reading. You don't do enough of it.

The the driver called, in his rasping nasal voice, [You did so well with that first "The" ...]

"Old man, stop this piece of shit and let me drive--er step on it!" I said [Well, hell, he ast ya if ya wanted ter drive!]

Is that where you got the LIJ before Red?

 Comment Written 06-Nov-2016

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reply by the author on 06-Nov-2016

Thanks for reading and seeing all them thes. LIJ is texting talk for Ellijay, Georgia. So I am just old Red f'um Ellijay. This didn't happen to me, but I had one buddy who got a lying poison pen letter. He went home, had a big fight with his wife, found out the score, and had, quote, "the best leave yet."

reply by Jay Squires on 07-Nov-2016

You got the add-on comments, didn't you?