For The Love Of Charlie
Dad's final words.10 total reviews
Comment from winnona
A well-written contest entry. I enjoyed reading your entry. Your well chosen words flow nicely through the story to the end. The story is very realistic and the characters come to life as the story unfolds. Good luck in the contest.
reply by the author on 26-Sep-2016
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A well-written contest entry. I enjoyed reading your entry. Your well chosen words flow nicely through the story to the end. The story is very realistic and the characters come to life as the story unfolds. Good luck in the contest.
Comment Written 26-Sep-2016
reply by the author on 26-Sep-2016
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Thanks so much, Winnona.
Comment from Alex Rosel
Some individual points:
I liked how you gradually unfolded the story. Waiting until the fifth paragraph to reveal a vital detail. That's neat crafting :-)
Suffocated by her own grief, she hadn't cared how much she hurt her daughter. - Very evocative.
Their mother had poisoned them and they didn't want to see him. - This is better with a comma following them. (Use a comma to separate two independent clauses that are joined with a conjunction.)
'Don't speak like that,' Sarah reprimanded him. 'He's our father.' - I follow Elmore Leonard's advice: Never use a verb other than "said" to carry dialogue. (See Elmore Leonard's 10 Rules of Writing.) The speech itself tells the reader this is a reprimand. But, if you want to keep Sarah reprimanded him., it's best as it's own self-contained sentence.
In a nearby stable, meanwhile, Charlie munched on some first-class straw, ignorant of his newly-acquired wealth. - An excellent twist. I didn't see it coming :-)
Overall:
This is an easy piece to read. There's a few errors, but nonetheless it's a good entry for this contest. I enjoyed reading it. Well done, and good luck with the competition.
reply by the author on 26-Sep-2016
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Some individual points:
I liked how you gradually unfolded the story. Waiting until the fifth paragraph to reveal a vital detail. That's neat crafting :-)
Suffocated by her own grief, she hadn't cared how much she hurt her daughter. - Very evocative.
Their mother had poisoned them and they didn't want to see him. - This is better with a comma following them. (Use a comma to separate two independent clauses that are joined with a conjunction.)
'Don't speak like that,' Sarah reprimanded him. 'He's our father.' - I follow Elmore Leonard's advice: Never use a verb other than "said" to carry dialogue. (See Elmore Leonard's 10 Rules of Writing.) The speech itself tells the reader this is a reprimand. But, if you want to keep Sarah reprimanded him., it's best as it's own self-contained sentence.
In a nearby stable, meanwhile, Charlie munched on some first-class straw, ignorant of his newly-acquired wealth. - An excellent twist. I didn't see it coming :-)
Overall:
This is an easy piece to read. There's a few errors, but nonetheless it's a good entry for this contest. I enjoyed reading it. Well done, and good luck with the competition.
Comment Written 26-Sep-2016
reply by the author on 26-Sep-2016
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Hi Alex,
When you say there are a few errors do you refer to the ones you've pointed out (that I've already corrected) or did you see any others?
Thanks for reading.
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Only the ones I pointed out in my review. It was very tightly written :-)
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Thanks!
Comment from Mystic Angel 7777
LOL! It is quite a clever ending with Charlie turning out to be a horse. The story itself is pretty sad though as many families do battle over estates tearing the fabric of the family apart. I wish you all the best in the voting and thank you very much for sharing it.
reply by the author on 26-Sep-2016
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LOL! It is quite a clever ending with Charlie turning out to be a horse. The story itself is pretty sad though as many families do battle over estates tearing the fabric of the family apart. I wish you all the best in the voting and thank you very much for sharing it.
Comment Written 26-Sep-2016
reply by the author on 26-Sep-2016
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Thanks so much for reading. It is indeed a sad story, as you say.
Comment from Phyllis Stewart
I love the ending. I thought Charlie might be a dog but not a horse. LOL! So now what do they do? Very nice twist on this clever tale. :)
reply by the author on 26-Sep-2016
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I love the ending. I thought Charlie might be a dog but not a horse. LOL! So now what do they do? Very nice twist on this clever tale. :)
Comment Written 26-Sep-2016
reply by the author on 26-Sep-2016
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I'm glad you like it, Phyllis. Thanks for reading.
Comment from Thomas Bowling
A great story with a funny twist at the end. I didn't see that coming. This is everything a short story should be. I read a lot of stories on this site that just fall flat at the end.
reply by the author on 26-Sep-2016
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A great story with a funny twist at the end. I didn't see that coming. This is everything a short story should be. I read a lot of stories on this site that just fall flat at the end.
Comment Written 26-Sep-2016
reply by the author on 26-Sep-2016
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Thanks, Thomas. I'm glad you like this one.
Comment from CammyCards
You have done a very good job of keeping the suspense to the end. I found your description of the dying father very accurate, as I also watched my father wither away. Thank you for using my picture to illustrate your story.
CammyCards
reply by the author on 24-Sep-2016
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You have done a very good job of keeping the suspense to the end. I found your description of the dying father very accurate, as I also watched my father wither away. Thank you for using my picture to illustrate your story.
CammyCards
Comment Written 24-Sep-2016
reply by the author on 24-Sep-2016
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Thanks for reading. And for providing the picture!
Comment from lancellot
A very interesting story.
Hmm, I see the attempt at a twist ending, but I think without more context into the nature of Charlie or some form of clues it seems, unsubstantiated.
note:
On the four-poster bed, there was a skeletal man.
- place here at this point. This line seems odd, as if it was just thrown in, without context.
I did think the writing was very structurally sound and you did a great job of editing.
Good luck
reply by the author on 24-Sep-2016
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A very interesting story.
Hmm, I see the attempt at a twist ending, but I think without more context into the nature of Charlie or some form of clues it seems, unsubstantiated.
note:
On the four-poster bed, there was a skeletal man.
- place here at this point. This line seems odd, as if it was just thrown in, without context.
I did think the writing was very structurally sound and you did a great job of editing.
Good luck
Comment Written 23-Sep-2016
reply by the author on 24-Sep-2016
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Thanks for reading.
Comment from frierajac
I liked the beginning part where Sarah the daughter is taking a tray and
serving tea. Then I thought perhaps it may be a story about an English family,
and therefore unique, even eccentric, as persons do become at the end. Then,
a reader finds that a horse actually is the recipient of the family fortune. At
which point I wonder why I can't hear the British accent. As there was actually one
of these times in a a Britishers life, a friend when I heard of this happening.
The dialogue was well done, however. I would have appreciated more if I could
have heard the accent.
reply by the author on 24-Sep-2016
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I liked the beginning part where Sarah the daughter is taking a tray and
serving tea. Then I thought perhaps it may be a story about an English family,
and therefore unique, even eccentric, as persons do become at the end. Then,
a reader finds that a horse actually is the recipient of the family fortune. At
which point I wonder why I can't hear the British accent. As there was actually one
of these times in a a Britishers life, a friend when I heard of this happening.
The dialogue was well done, however. I would have appreciated more if I could
have heard the accent.
Comment Written 23-Sep-2016
reply by the author on 24-Sep-2016
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Thanks so much for reading and for your comments.
Comment from SheliaStarr
Ha! He left his millions to a horse? Cow? That is amazing. Love it.
I only caught one spelling error:
you said now instead of know. Really simple - sorry, just nitpicking. It's all I can do.
I loved the characters and the plot twist. You are very good at what you do. I can't wait to read more.
If I have to give you constructive
criticism - longer discriptions are needed, and perhaps you could use more figurative language.
reply by the author on 23-Sep-2016
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Ha! He left his millions to a horse? Cow? That is amazing. Love it.
I only caught one spelling error:
you said now instead of know. Really simple - sorry, just nitpicking. It's all I can do.
I loved the characters and the plot twist. You are very good at what you do. I can't wait to read more.
If I have to give you constructive
criticism - longer discriptions are needed, and perhaps you could use more figurative language.
Comment Written 23-Sep-2016
reply by the author on 23-Sep-2016
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Thanks so much, Sheila. I found that typo and corrected it.
And yeah... Charlie is a horse.
Comment from Bollie
This is a sad, poignant story of love lost and death. Somehow I suspected that Charlie was a beloved pet, so wasn't surprised that he was a horse. Your story is written eloquently and reads easily. The only disappointment is that it's a writing prompt and not part of a larger body of work. I would love to read more.
reply by the author on 23-Sep-2016
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This is a sad, poignant story of love lost and death. Somehow I suspected that Charlie was a beloved pet, so wasn't surprised that he was a horse. Your story is written eloquently and reads easily. The only disappointment is that it's a writing prompt and not part of a larger body of work. I would love to read more.
Comment Written 23-Sep-2016
reply by the author on 23-Sep-2016
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I'm glad you enjoyed it, Bollie. Thanks for reading.
