Eye Remember
Are transplants safe?25 total reviews
Comment from Bollie
You've written an absolutely fascinating story that held my attention to the end. I would love to read more of Johnny's story about how he honors the boy's request. The writing is fresh, vivid and thoroughly captivating. I wish you well in the contest. Take good care.
reply by the author on 23-Sep-2016
  |
You've written an absolutely fascinating story that held my attention to the end. I would love to read more of Johnny's story about how he honors the boy's request. The writing is fresh, vivid and thoroughly captivating. I wish you well in the contest. Take good care.
Comment Written 22-Sep-2016
reply by the author on 23-Sep-2016
-
Thank you, my friend. The story was based on the actual death of my son in 1985. Of course, the story is purely fiction. Thanks for reading.
Comment from CEO2020
I find this work to be more than a story. I see a moment in time that reflect a non-fiction time somewhere. Your writing style is calm, deliberate, and reflective. I can see the feeling in and behind the words. That is using writing skills.
Excellent piece
reply by the author on 22-Sep-2016
|
I find this work to be more than a story. I see a moment in time that reflect a non-fiction time somewhere. Your writing style is calm, deliberate, and reflective. I can see the feeling in and behind the words. That is using writing skills.
Excellent piece
Comment Written 22-Sep-2016
reply by the author on 22-Sep-2016
-
Thank you for your kind comments. Yes, I did use the hunting accident of my son for a base to this story. Of course, the rest is fictional. I would have loved to add more description to this story but word count wouldn't allow it.
Comment from frogbook
And a very good story it is. Very imaginative and frightening with a tender and poignant ending. A worthy entry-best of luck in the voting. So sorry about your son too.
reply by the author on 22-Sep-2016
|
And a very good story it is. Very imaginative and frightening with a tender and poignant ending. A worthy entry-best of luck in the voting. So sorry about your son too.
Comment Written 22-Sep-2016
reply by the author on 22-Sep-2016
-
Thank you. This is just a fictional story based on my son's hunting accident. So glad you enjoyed it.
Comment from mfowler
This is a unique take on the supernatural theme. An 'eye transplant'; like that idea; leaves the protagonist intimately connected to a boy who's died.
While Johnny gets well, he knows there's something strange about his new experience of the world. He keeps seeing a strange woman in the background, even on the day he lost his bandages. I supposing he's the mother, Johnny is asked to find by David's spirit.
After a chance encounter and a bad accident, Johnny finds himself beyond life and in touch with his eye donor who asks several favours of him. The contact is about David saying goodbye to what he loves and to show Johnny where his good fortune has come from.
Your story is generally well told and very engaging. One small narrative detail that I thought a bit far fetched was the way Johnny is spirited home immediately after revealing his new eyes. Just seemed medically odd that someone who's had new eyes put in his head is instantly ready for the outside world. Mind you, in the context of these supernatural stories, an oddity like that may be plausible.
A good entry in the contest. I found it most engaging.
SPAG suggestions:
He's not sure he could handle the disappointment. ... suggest 'can handle'. More consistent with the previous sentences.
German Shepard ... Shepherd
reply by the author on 22-Sep-2016
|
This is a unique take on the supernatural theme. An 'eye transplant'; like that idea; leaves the protagonist intimately connected to a boy who's died.
While Johnny gets well, he knows there's something strange about his new experience of the world. He keeps seeing a strange woman in the background, even on the day he lost his bandages. I supposing he's the mother, Johnny is asked to find by David's spirit.
After a chance encounter and a bad accident, Johnny finds himself beyond life and in touch with his eye donor who asks several favours of him. The contact is about David saying goodbye to what he loves and to show Johnny where his good fortune has come from.
Your story is generally well told and very engaging. One small narrative detail that I thought a bit far fetched was the way Johnny is spirited home immediately after revealing his new eyes. Just seemed medically odd that someone who's had new eyes put in his head is instantly ready for the outside world. Mind you, in the context of these supernatural stories, an oddity like that may be plausible.
A good entry in the contest. I found it most engaging.
SPAG suggestions:
He's not sure he could handle the disappointment. ... suggest 'can handle'. More consistent with the previous sentences.
German Shepard ... Shepherd
Comment Written 22-Sep-2016
reply by the author on 22-Sep-2016
-
Thank you. Yeah, I thought about that myself. I wish I could have had more words to work with. I'm sure someone wouldn't go right home after that kind of surgery. Oh well, just a story.
Comment from Phyllis Stewart
Verrry good story. Sorry to hear your lost your son. Tragic and "sorry" is not nearly enough... nothing is. I like the way you describe the donor here as having no eyes. Creepy but clearly identifies him for us.
reply by the author on 22-Sep-2016
|
Verrry good story. Sorry to hear your lost your son. Tragic and "sorry" is not nearly enough... nothing is. I like the way you describe the donor here as having no eyes. Creepy but clearly identifies him for us.
Comment Written 21-Sep-2016
reply by the author on 22-Sep-2016
-
Thank you. It was a long time ago and the pain has dimmed over the years. It will never completely go away.
Comment from Marvin Calloway
You wrote this story so well, I believed every word, even the ending. We don't know for sure if this could happen in real life.
Well done. Inspirational.
The length was OK by me, even though I prefer stories between 700 and 800 words.
Marv
reply by the author on 21-Sep-2016
 |
You wrote this story so well, I believed every word, even the ending. We don't know for sure if this could happen in real life.
Well done. Inspirational.
The length was OK by me, even though I prefer stories between 700 and 800 words.
Marv
Comment Written 21-Sep-2016
reply by the author on 21-Sep-2016
-
Thank you, Marvin. I prefer shorter stories too, but it was hard to do this one even in a thousand words. It needed so much more description to make it great. Thanks for the six stars, they are appreciated.
Comment from jpduck
I enjoyed this, and liked the concept. It is, perhaps, worth pointing out that whole-eye transplants are not currently possible, and experts agree that this is likely to remain the case until far in the future, if ever.
But, hey, this is paranormal fiction, so anything goes.
One ?error. (Square brackets indicate suggested deletions, and asterisks, suggested insertions):
'What color are [your]*?my* eyes; are my new eyes blue?'
Adrian
reply by the author on 21-Sep-2016
|
I enjoyed this, and liked the concept. It is, perhaps, worth pointing out that whole-eye transplants are not currently possible, and experts agree that this is likely to remain the case until far in the future, if ever.
But, hey, this is paranormal fiction, so anything goes.
One ?error. (Square brackets indicate suggested deletions, and asterisks, suggested insertions):
'What color are [your]*?my* eyes; are my new eyes blue?'
Adrian
Comment Written 21-Sep-2016
reply by the author on 21-Sep-2016
-
Thank you. Before I had that his mother's eyes were blue and got all kinds of remarks in the negative from the reviewers. I guess it is each person's preference. I know they don't do eye transplants but I bet they will som day. I did wish I could have donated my son's beautiful eyes to someone. I will correct the error you pointed out.
Comment from tollyfaye
Your story brought me to tears. Tell mom I love her and pet my dog. So sweet. You are very descriptive with Johnny getting his eyes. In the very beginning he describes the lady as having blue jeans, and then later he learns his colors, tighten up the succession part of that. It is so hard to stay under the word count. Good luck, Great entry!
reply by the author on 21-Sep-2016
|
Your story brought me to tears. Tell mom I love her and pet my dog. So sweet. You are very descriptive with Johnny getting his eyes. In the very beginning he describes the lady as having blue jeans, and then later he learns his colors, tighten up the succession part of that. It is so hard to stay under the word count. Good luck, Great entry!
Comment Written 21-Sep-2016
reply by the author on 21-Sep-2016
-
Thank you. Yes, it is hard to stay under the word count. This story needed a lot more description to make it great.
-
Hugs to you for the loss of your son. My brother died when I was a kid it was the 1980s it would have been neat to do eye thing. Probably why I enjoyed it so much! Hugs again!
Comment from oliver818
Nice story. I'm so
Sorry it's based on a true event, that's so sad. Thanks for sharing this wonderful experience of new eyesight. Cheers
reply by the author on 21-Sep-2016
|
Nice story. I'm so
Sorry it's based on a true event, that's so sad. Thanks for sharing this wonderful experience of new eyesight. Cheers
Comment Written 21-Sep-2016
reply by the author on 21-Sep-2016
-
Thank you. I don't honestly know if they can transplant eyes yet or not. If not, then I bet they will someday soon. I did wish I could have given my son's beautiful eyes to someone.
Comment from Nika2016
Wow!What a story....My sister was dying...I called out to the Internet to find a liver...It came that night from a prison....she lives..but has a strange interest in basketball that she had never had before...
I love your story...
reply by the author on 21-Sep-2016
|
Wow!What a story....My sister was dying...I called out to the Internet to find a liver...It came that night from a prison....she lives..but has a strange interest in basketball that she had never had before...
I love your story...
Comment Written 21-Sep-2016
reply by the author on 21-Sep-2016
-
Thank you. Hey, that's quite a story about your sister. Maybe you could write a story with her as a plot.
