Why Don't They Understand?
Part One17 total reviews
Comment from barbara.wilkey
This is even more emotional than the first one I read. I like it and you are doing a great job of describing the horror war leaves on our soldiers.
reply by the author on 10-Sep-2016
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This is even more emotional than the first one I read. I like it and you are doing a great job of describing the horror war leaves on our soldiers.
Comment Written 10-Sep-2016
reply by the author on 10-Sep-2016
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Thank you, my friend. This story will break your heart if it goes the way I'm thinking.~Debbie
Comment from misscookie
I'm so beside forgive me for thee paste on.
You captured my attention from the start.
I like the artwork and your words.
It is a perfect match.
Thank you for sharing.
Cookie
reply by the author on 10-Sep-2016
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I'm so beside forgive me for thee paste on.
You captured my attention from the start.
I like the artwork and your words.
It is a perfect match.
Thank you for sharing.
Cookie
Comment Written 09-Sep-2016
reply by the author on 10-Sep-2016
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Thank you, my friend. The stars are greatly appreciated~Debbie
Comment from JW
You wrote this narrative well. In reading it, it stirred emotions.
I came so close to being draft into the Vietnam War it wasn't funny, and it was only due to a series of highly unusual events I did not have to go.
I also lost friends there - some through death, other's made it physically only.
Thanks for sharing this. JW
reply by the author on 08-Sep-2016
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You wrote this narrative well. In reading it, it stirred emotions.
I came so close to being draft into the Vietnam War it wasn't funny, and it was only due to a series of highly unusual events I did not have to go.
I also lost friends there - some through death, other's made it physically only.
Thanks for sharing this. JW
Comment Written 07-Sep-2016
reply by the author on 08-Sep-2016
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I'm glad you didn't have to go and wish no one had. It accomplished nothing. Take care, my friend. Katie Jo is on my lap helping me type~Debbie
Comment from Jacqueline M Franklin
Hi, Debbie
= Excellent continuation of your story.
= Glad you're carrying on on--real emotion from the soldier's pov.
= Nice job, my friend.
<> Add comma
= Well(,) hell, before graduation
= Sure(,) Basic Training, transfer to a nice,
= danger(,) so Susie hears it at school.
<> Sentences using =THAT=
--- FYI --- Remember, many sentences can stand alone WITHOUT it. Too many makes the read a bit clunky.
<> EDIT MINION Readout
--- I would try eliminating some prep end sentences.
Adverbs: 1
Weak Words: 6
Homonym: 25
Preposition End: 8
Passive: 3
Clichés: 0
Clichés: 1
<> A Smile Is A Frown Turned Upside-down (*>*)
<> Cheers & Blessings ... Jax
<> Published as ... Jacqueline M Franklin
reply by the author on 08-Sep-2016
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Hi, Debbie
= Excellent continuation of your story.
= Glad you're carrying on on--real emotion from the soldier's pov.
= Nice job, my friend.
<> Add comma
= Well(,) hell, before graduation
= Sure(,) Basic Training, transfer to a nice,
= danger(,) so Susie hears it at school.
<> Sentences using =THAT=
--- FYI --- Remember, many sentences can stand alone WITHOUT it. Too many makes the read a bit clunky.
<> EDIT MINION Readout
--- I would try eliminating some prep end sentences.
Adverbs: 1
Weak Words: 6
Homonym: 25
Preposition End: 8
Passive: 3
Clichés: 0
Clichés: 1
<> A Smile Is A Frown Turned Upside-down (*>*)
<> Cheers & Blessings ... Jax
<> Published as ... Jacqueline M Franklin
Comment Written 07-Sep-2016
reply by the author on 08-Sep-2016
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Thank you, my friend--what is edit minion?~Debbie
Comment from Jay Squires
Excellent beginning, Debbie. Right down my alley. I can't help you with your poetry. I hope I can assist with your fiction. Not this day, though. It's too clean.
You've built up the drama nicely with a good balance between narrative and backstory. Your poetry background adds to the compactness of your post. Tightly written. Hopefully, you'll be able to keep it lean throughout.
I do have one general question, suggestion really. Why do you have the entire post italicized? What will you do, later on, when you need to emphasize a word? My suggestion is to NOT have it italicized unless you have a reason for it that I can't understand.
If I were to squeeze out one more suggestion (now that I think back on the text), you use an awful lot of three-dot ellipses. When it takes the reader out of the magic of the narrative by drawing attention to itself, it's a good idea to question is efficacy.
And only one teensy nit. Not enough to take away your six!
. Well hell, before graduation ...[Comma needed after "Well"]
reply by the author on 07-Sep-2016
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Excellent beginning, Debbie. Right down my alley. I can't help you with your poetry. I hope I can assist with your fiction. Not this day, though. It's too clean.
You've built up the drama nicely with a good balance between narrative and backstory. Your poetry background adds to the compactness of your post. Tightly written. Hopefully, you'll be able to keep it lean throughout.
I do have one general question, suggestion really. Why do you have the entire post italicized? What will you do, later on, when you need to emphasize a word? My suggestion is to NOT have it italicized unless you have a reason for it that I can't understand.
If I were to squeeze out one more suggestion (now that I think back on the text), you use an awful lot of three-dot ellipses. When it takes the reader out of the magic of the narrative by drawing attention to itself, it's a good idea to question is efficacy.
And only one teensy nit. Not enough to take away your six!
. Well hell, before graduation ...[Comma needed after "Well"]
Comment Written 07-Sep-2016
reply by the author on 07-Sep-2016
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Thank you so very much, Jay. This is my first multi-part fiction piece and to know you thought it well done encourages me to continue with it. I did add the comma. I went back and removed most of the ellipses, leaving just a few. The italics are how some writers are distinguishing between thoughts and actual dialogue or observation. I'm not sure where to go with those as this will be primarily his thoughts, maybe just dialogue in quotations? What do you think? I truly appreciate your help and hope you will read on. I never really considered writing a multi-part fiction before, but a lot will be based on actual experience in this, so thought I would give it a whirl. Thank you so much for the help, as well as the stars, my friend. Take care~Debbie
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Debbie, if it's solely from his point of view, and his are the only thoughts you are exploring you don't need quotes or italics. It's all narrative. You only need to use quotes for dialogue. You're doing just fine, Debbie.
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Thanks, Jay. Greatly appreciated, my friend~Debbie
Comment from oliver818
Very good first half. I like the main character, very real. This kind of story is only too common, as you know better than me from what you say in your comments. I look forward to reading more.
reply by the author on 08-Sep-2016
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Very good first half. I like the main character, very real. This kind of story is only too common, as you know better than me from what you say in your comments. I look forward to reading more.
Comment Written 06-Sep-2016
reply by the author on 08-Sep-2016
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Thank you, my friend~Debbie
Comment from michaelcahill
Debbie, this is just stellar. I'm thrilled that your going to continue with this. This is certainly a male point of view but it is one very FEW men would write down and share. That makes this sooooooo engaging. I think you should take your time and let it be as long as it needs to be. It's going to encourage a lot of men to open up to themselves and maybe a few brave souls to write it down as well. A captivating read. Great work. Can't wait for more. mikey
reply by the author on 08-Sep-2016
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Debbie, this is just stellar. I'm thrilled that your going to continue with this. This is certainly a male point of view but it is one very FEW men would write down and share. That makes this sooooooo engaging. I think you should take your time and let it be as long as it needs to be. It's going to encourage a lot of men to open up to themselves and maybe a few brave souls to write it down as well. A captivating read. Great work. Can't wait for more. mikey
Comment Written 06-Sep-2016
reply by the author on 08-Sep-2016
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Thank you, my friend. I think this may be longer than I first anticipated. We'll see where it goes. It is too bad men can't/won't discuss their feelings more. I'm about halfway through the next one. I'll read yours in a bit~Debbie
Comment from winnona
You did a good job of expanding an already well - written piece. Your expansion is well written with good strong words and a very realistic character. You are explaining a little more what the family would have gone through.
reply by the author on 08-Sep-2016
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You did a good job of expanding an already well - written piece. Your expansion is well written with good strong words and a very realistic character. You are explaining a little more what the family would have gone through.
Comment Written 06-Sep-2016
reply by the author on 08-Sep-2016
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Thank you, my friend~Debbie
Comment from BeasPeas
You have done a great job writing this. Clearly composed with all the fears that accompany deployment to the middle east. Now that the military is voluntary, I think many did consider it to be just a job. But when danger calls, they have to go. God bless our military and their families. All heroes. Marilyn
reply by the author on 08-Sep-2016
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You have done a great job writing this. Clearly composed with all the fears that accompany deployment to the middle east. Now that the military is voluntary, I think many did consider it to be just a job. But when danger calls, they have to go. God bless our military and their families. All heroes. Marilyn
Comment Written 06-Sep-2016
reply by the author on 08-Sep-2016
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Thank you, my friend~Debbie
Comment from Sandra Stoner-Mitchell
I can imagine the agony of a soldier going to a place like Iraq and leaving his family behind. The not knowing if he will see them again, and if he does, will he be the same man who left them. I'd hate it to be one of my sons, or my husband going to a country like that. Excellent writing, and I will be watching out for the next part. Sandra x
reply by the author on 08-Sep-2016
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I can imagine the agony of a soldier going to a place like Iraq and leaving his family behind. The not knowing if he will see them again, and if he does, will he be the same man who left them. I'd hate it to be one of my sons, or my husband going to a country like that. Excellent writing, and I will be watching out for the next part. Sandra x
Comment Written 06-Sep-2016
reply by the author on 08-Sep-2016
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So sad. Thank you, my friend~Debbie
