~ The Cross ~
Futility Personified.21 total reviews
Comment from Muffins
REVIEW FOR THE REVENGE OF JOHN BLACK SINCE I PUT THIS REVIEW IN THE WRONG PLACE.
Intense with deep troubling psychological undertones. This monstrous duel personality has detached itself from reality and its greed wants to free himself but ends up killing Roy and John. This is an ending I didn't see coming.
Roy's mental breakdown is amazing and the suicide gave me chills. Amazing.
reply by the author on 26-Jul-2016
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REVIEW FOR THE REVENGE OF JOHN BLACK SINCE I PUT THIS REVIEW IN THE WRONG PLACE.
Intense with deep troubling psychological undertones. This monstrous duel personality has detached itself from reality and its greed wants to free himself but ends up killing Roy and John. This is an ending I didn't see coming.
Roy's mental breakdown is amazing and the suicide gave me chills. Amazing.
Comment Written 26-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 26-Jul-2016
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Thank you Muffins, for your kind review for 'Revenge of John Black'. You got to the soul of this disturbed personality. I appreciate your time and the six stars... ~Mel~
Comment from Spatchcocked Chicken
Greetings,
This is a very imaginative piece and ties in very well with the current apprehensions and fears of the time in which we live. Who knows where a strike will come from next.
Good writing with a lot of tension imbued into the scenario.
Good luck
SC
reply by the author on 26-Jul-2016
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Greetings,
This is a very imaginative piece and ties in very well with the current apprehensions and fears of the time in which we live. Who knows where a strike will come from next.
Good writing with a lot of tension imbued into the scenario.
Good luck
SC
Comment Written 26-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 26-Jul-2016
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Thank you SC, for taking the time to read and review this long story. I appreciate this and your kind comments... ~Mel~
Comment from dmt1967
This is a sad fact of life and frightening as it is not make believe and could well happen. This is a well-written story and a good take on what the picture represents. Good luck in the contest and thank you for sharing.
reply by the author on 25-Jul-2016
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This is a sad fact of life and frightening as it is not make believe and could well happen. This is a well-written story and a good take on what the picture represents. Good luck in the contest and thank you for sharing.
Comment Written 25-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 25-Jul-2016
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Thank you dmt1967, for taking the time on this long read to review. This is very much appreciated and for the good wishes... ~Mel~
Comment from RichardG
Wow - great imagery and suspense. Reminded me somewhat of the Enders Game. Typically not my genre but glad I read it. You kept me on edge and wondering what was going to happen next. Great job!
I don't really have a critique honestly. Your writing is impeccable. I loved the ending. I will admit that the excessive mentions of Allah threw me at first. I almost didn't read it as I am a Christian. But I had to remind myself this is a story. My job is not to agree or disagree with the characters. So I liked how you had a disclaimer at the end.
reply by the author on 24-Jul-2016
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Wow - great imagery and suspense. Reminded me somewhat of the Enders Game. Typically not my genre but glad I read it. You kept me on edge and wondering what was going to happen next. Great job!
I don't really have a critique honestly. Your writing is impeccable. I loved the ending. I will admit that the excessive mentions of Allah threw me at first. I almost didn't read it as I am a Christian. But I had to remind myself this is a story. My job is not to agree or disagree with the characters. So I liked how you had a disclaimer at the end.
Comment Written 24-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 24-Jul-2016
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Thank you Richard, for your kind review. I'm so pleased you read it to the end, then reviewed it, this is greatly appreciated. I didn't like writing the word Allah and tried not to over do it, while still keeping the story going... ~Mel~
Comment from Ulla
Wow, this a rather unique take on the picture. It's very believable, and scary at the same time. I'm impressed with your seemingly knowledge about travel in space, that's impressive. As for the subject; we live in very dangerous times and I could just imagine such a thing to happen. It's madness but to them, the extremists, it's very real. They are guided by hate. Very well written and a strong contender. All the best. Ulla:))
reply by the author on 24-Jul-2016
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Wow, this a rather unique take on the picture. It's very believable, and scary at the same time. I'm impressed with your seemingly knowledge about travel in space, that's impressive. As for the subject; we live in very dangerous times and I could just imagine such a thing to happen. It's madness but to them, the extremists, it's very real. They are guided by hate. Very well written and a strong contender. All the best. Ulla:))
Comment Written 24-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 24-Jul-2016
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Thank you Ulla, for reading this long story. I'm pleased you found it well written and believable enough to award a six star rating. I greatly appreciate your review... Mel.
Comment from Brett Matthew West
Would be real pleasurable to ship all ISIS terrorists to the moon and let them experience what they all desire - a slow, torturous death.
Story conveys this theme nicely.
Should be a good contest entry for this prompt.
reply by the author on 24-Jul-2016
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Would be real pleasurable to ship all ISIS terrorists to the moon and let them experience what they all desire - a slow, torturous death.
Story conveys this theme nicely.
Should be a good contest entry for this prompt.
Comment Written 24-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 24-Jul-2016
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Thank you Cody, yes we as writers could I'm sure conjure up some inventive demises for these loons. I appreciate you taking the time to read this long story and for your review... ~Mel~
Comment from barkingdog
This is really amazing, Mel. I sped right through it. Who'd have thought it was 4K wds?
The scene switching keeps the story rolling along at a good pace.
You show Mark's dedication to jihad without making him sound insane. He really believes in what he is doing and after all his year so training he's willing to give his life for a cause he believe in.
Death by vapor scene is excellent as is the decision to shoot Mark down. So well choreographed. Perfect timing. Natural dialogue.
As far as I could tell you only had two minor glitches:
-A camera zooms in on my(the) moving buggy. (You're not in Mark's POV in this scene.)
-5MT (metric ton) controlled atomic explosion.
(Add a line space here)
Huge electrical energy charges fight to control the gamma radiation.
I've never read anything like this on this site. It's unique and beautifully written.
Superb fully developed characters and descriptive technical stuff that sounded spot-on.
Best of luck in the contest, Mel.
:) ellen
reply by the author on 24-Jul-2016
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This is really amazing, Mel. I sped right through it. Who'd have thought it was 4K wds?
The scene switching keeps the story rolling along at a good pace.
You show Mark's dedication to jihad without making him sound insane. He really believes in what he is doing and after all his year so training he's willing to give his life for a cause he believe in.
Death by vapor scene is excellent as is the decision to shoot Mark down. So well choreographed. Perfect timing. Natural dialogue.
As far as I could tell you only had two minor glitches:
-A camera zooms in on my(the) moving buggy. (You're not in Mark's POV in this scene.)
-5MT (metric ton) controlled atomic explosion.
(Add a line space here)
Huge electrical energy charges fight to control the gamma radiation.
I've never read anything like this on this site. It's unique and beautifully written.
Superb fully developed characters and descriptive technical stuff that sounded spot-on.
Best of luck in the contest, Mel.
:) ellen
Comment Written 24-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 24-Jul-2016
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Thank you very much Ellen, for reading this long story and thanks also for the six stars.
I'm pleased I managed to work on it a little with the help of Jay Squires and Girafmange before you read it. I'll see to those two glitches.
I'm so pleased you liked it. And I appreciate your good wishes. Have a good day... ~Mel~ xx
Comment from Delahay
You use some turns of phrase that are unknown to me with my American English but I guess are used elsewhere. The story is believable and very though provoking. So many acts of madness and useless violence have been and are committed in the name of religion. It has been happening for centuries and there seems to be no end.
reply by the author on 24-Jul-2016
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You use some turns of phrase that are unknown to me with my American English but I guess are used elsewhere. The story is believable and very though provoking. So many acts of madness and useless violence have been and are committed in the name of religion. It has been happening for centuries and there seems to be no end.
Comment Written 23-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 24-Jul-2016
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Thank you Delahay, for your kind review and reading this long story. It is much appreciated... ~Mel~
Comment from giraffmang
hi there,
This has a very good premise and quite ambitious in its scale. For the most part you pull this off well. There a few elements that you might want to have a look at. I made some notes -
The thought sends my heart racing like a spooked horse - good imagery here.
a chameleon who changes it's colours - its.
Good balance between the narrator's narrative and dialogue.
In the list of other crew members, you should probably have a comma after their names or otherwise it reads the names as Eucnice Day Mission Commander, rather than, Eunice Day, missions commander.
Meanwhile back at base unknown to me. (I found out later on the video log).
- I have to say that this felt a little contrived to me, especially coming here in the story. It may have been better to have written all parts in third person narrative then you could have switched between the scenes without the need for this. You could also omit it and make reference to some of the suspicions in the exchange between Eunice & Mark through the airlock door.
her look is a question - Her.
Ryan, merely nods - no comma necessary here.
"What the?" - perhaps use ellipsis or em-dash here.
so I drop onto captains seat - the captain's seat.
Praised be to 'Allah.'
- Praise and don't need the quote marks here.
All-jeera - Al jeera.
We interrupt this news item... - need closing speech marks here.
Ah! that's the one - That's.
He looks at the President for approval." - delete the errant speech mark from the end here.
the doodling with the pen continues - The.
it builds up to an imaginable force - should that be unimaginable?
All the best
GMG
reply by the author on 24-Jul-2016
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hi there,
This has a very good premise and quite ambitious in its scale. For the most part you pull this off well. There a few elements that you might want to have a look at. I made some notes -
The thought sends my heart racing like a spooked horse - good imagery here.
a chameleon who changes it's colours - its.
Good balance between the narrator's narrative and dialogue.
In the list of other crew members, you should probably have a comma after their names or otherwise it reads the names as Eucnice Day Mission Commander, rather than, Eunice Day, missions commander.
Meanwhile back at base unknown to me. (I found out later on the video log).
- I have to say that this felt a little contrived to me, especially coming here in the story. It may have been better to have written all parts in third person narrative then you could have switched between the scenes without the need for this. You could also omit it and make reference to some of the suspicions in the exchange between Eunice & Mark through the airlock door.
her look is a question - Her.
Ryan, merely nods - no comma necessary here.
"What the?" - perhaps use ellipsis or em-dash here.
so I drop onto captains seat - the captain's seat.
Praised be to 'Allah.'
- Praise and don't need the quote marks here.
All-jeera - Al jeera.
We interrupt this news item... - need closing speech marks here.
Ah! that's the one - That's.
He looks at the President for approval." - delete the errant speech mark from the end here.
the doodling with the pen continues - The.
it builds up to an imaginable force - should that be unimaginable?
All the best
GMG
Comment Written 23-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 24-Jul-2016
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Thank you GMG. I appreciate that you read this long story. I also greatly appreciate your detailed review and I've sorted out those problems.
After...Meanwhile back at base... I've deleted the rest of the sentence and tagged the next one on. More or less as you suggested.
Any help is most gratefully received and always appreciated, my friend. Have a good day.
~Mel~
Comment from Bananafish308
This is very well written and suspenseful. Excellent contest entry, as you certainly following the contest guidelines. This is a timely piece, reflecting the understandable anxiety and concern of many over increasing terrorist attacks by extremist Muslims. Your extensive knowledge of the technical aspects of the story greatly enhanced it. Great job. Good luck with the contest.
Bill
reply by the author on 24-Jul-2016
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This is very well written and suspenseful. Excellent contest entry, as you certainly following the contest guidelines. This is a timely piece, reflecting the understandable anxiety and concern of many over increasing terrorist attacks by extremist Muslims. Your extensive knowledge of the technical aspects of the story greatly enhanced it. Great job. Good luck with the contest.
Bill
Comment Written 22-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 24-Jul-2016
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Many thanks Bill, for reviewing this long story and your good wishes. This is much appreciated... ~Mel~
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You're quite welcome, Mel.
