The Prisoner
Held Hostage by Ghosts33 total reviews
Comment from Winslow
Dear bluebirds,
One of the more entertaining supernatural stories I've read on fanstory. Excellent character development. The tale unfolds nicely. At the end the main character is really caught in a trap.
Warm regards,
Winslow
One small nit: watch word repetition. Here is a suggested edit for this section.
Besides the house, the farm consisted of forty acres, an apple orchard, and an old barn. The building was, and still is, a priceless memento to the old ways of doing things. All the beams are hand-cut and it is held together by wooden pegs instead of nails. Grace later told me how her husband and all the neighbors formed a barn raising party and built it in little over a month...amazing.
Warm regards,
Winslow
reply by the author on 16-Jul-2016
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Dear bluebirds,
One of the more entertaining supernatural stories I've read on fanstory. Excellent character development. The tale unfolds nicely. At the end the main character is really caught in a trap.
Warm regards,
Winslow
One small nit: watch word repetition. Here is a suggested edit for this section.
Besides the house, the farm consisted of forty acres, an apple orchard, and an old barn. The building was, and still is, a priceless memento to the old ways of doing things. All the beams are hand-cut and it is held together by wooden pegs instead of nails. Grace later told me how her husband and all the neighbors formed a barn raising party and built it in little over a month...amazing.
Warm regards,
Winslow
Comment Written 15-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 16-Jul-2016
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Thank you. I will edit the story and take your suggestion to heart. I think the contest deadline is past, though. Thank you for the six stars too. They are much appreciated.
Comment from Marvin Calloway
What an unusual and interesting story. You made the supernatural seem believable and the details make it unique.
I enjoyed your tale from the beginning to the great last line.
Marv
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2016
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What an unusual and interesting story. You made the supernatural seem believable and the details make it unique.
I enjoyed your tale from the beginning to the great last line.
Marv
Comment Written 13-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2016
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Thank you, Marvin. This was a fun story to write. There is a man who lives in my aunt's house and claims to talk to her everyday.
Comment from Phyllis Stewart
This is an interesting and fun story. ENjoyed it a lot. Funny that he isn't allowed to leave. LOL! I don't believe in ghosts, but if I did, this story would scare me! :)
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2016
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This is an interesting and fun story. ENjoyed it a lot. Funny that he isn't allowed to leave. LOL! I don't believe in ghosts, but if I did, this story would scare me! :)
Comment Written 13-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2016
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Thank you, Phyllis. There really is a man who lives in my aunt's house and claims he talks to her every day. Who knows? It makes a good story anyway.
Comment from c_lucas
Some time a place will bond with the other side. This is very well written with a smooth flow of words, making for a very interesting read. There is good imagery.
reply by the author on 13-Jul-2016
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Some time a place will bond with the other side. This is very well written with a smooth flow of words, making for a very interesting read. There is good imagery.
Comment Written 13-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 13-Jul-2016
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Thank you. The story is partly true. There is a man who lives in my aunt's house and claims he talks to her every day.
Comment from Ric Myworld
It's sure not a good thing when a person comes to the conclusion that death will be there only hope of happiness. LOL! Great story, and good luck in the contest! :-)
reply by the author on 13-Jul-2016
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It's sure not a good thing when a person comes to the conclusion that death will be there only hope of happiness. LOL! Great story, and good luck in the contest! :-)
Comment Written 13-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 13-Jul-2016
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Thank you. Yep, sometimes it might be the only way out. Makes a good story anyway.
Comment from jpduck
What a splendid concept! I loved it. Well structured (with one exception -- see below).
Typos, SPAGs & suggestions. (Square brackets indicate suggested deletions, and asterisks, suggested insertions):
'I bought the old farmhouse twenty-two years ago[--] today' (The emdash after 'ago' is not needed, and makes the sentence momentarily confusing).
'Finally, my wife said she*'d* had enough'
'I forgot to mention that I'm a very good carpenter.' (This feels rather clumsy inserted here. Much better, I feel, for the narrator to mention his skill early in the story, the natural place for it to be).
'Actually,you might say, they insisted I stay ' (Insert a space before 'you').
'I do take a bath every day though*,* as cleanliness is one thing Grace is really strict about' ('as' is a co-ordinating conjunction joining independent clauses, so the comma is required).
Adrian
reply by the author on 13-Jul-2016
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What a splendid concept! I loved it. Well structured (with one exception -- see below).
Typos, SPAGs & suggestions. (Square brackets indicate suggested deletions, and asterisks, suggested insertions):
'I bought the old farmhouse twenty-two years ago[--] today' (The emdash after 'ago' is not needed, and makes the sentence momentarily confusing).
'Finally, my wife said she*'d* had enough'
'I forgot to mention that I'm a very good carpenter.' (This feels rather clumsy inserted here. Much better, I feel, for the narrator to mention his skill early in the story, the natural place for it to be).
'Actually,you might say, they insisted I stay ' (Insert a space before 'you').
'I do take a bath every day though*,* as cleanliness is one thing Grace is really strict about' ('as' is a co-ordinating conjunction joining independent clauses, so the comma is required).
Adrian
Comment Written 13-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 13-Jul-2016
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Thank you for the five stars and the great tips. I thought the carpenter part was out of place too. I may remove it altogether. As for the other typos, I will correct them. I truly appreciate your help. Grammer is my weak point but I am trying to get better.
Comment from light
I know this is a what if contest. The story is not unusual. I have heard simular stories. You did a good job, but talking to grace and the cats is not good. Best wishes in the contest
Elaine
reply by the author on 13-Jul-2016
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I know this is a what if contest. The story is not unusual. I have heard simular stories. You did a good job, but talking to grace and the cats is not good. Best wishes in the contest
Elaine
Comment Written 12-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 13-Jul-2016
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Thank you. The poor guy needs someone to talk to, don't you think? There is a man living in my aunt's house and he really does talk to his cats (which he has many of) he also claims to talk to my aunt every day. Who knows?
Comment from ciliverde
Oh man, I have a feeling this guy might get sucked into staying in the house with Claude and Grace after he dies...so much for living his own life OR death. I kinda hoped he'd find a girlfriend, get married, and have some kids to make the old lady happy. But she sent all those girls packing (lol, great line there).
Great job, very fun supernatural story, told with a very matter-of-fact tone that makes it feel believable!
Carol
reply by the author on 13-Jul-2016
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Oh man, I have a feeling this guy might get sucked into staying in the house with Claude and Grace after he dies...so much for living his own life OR death. I kinda hoped he'd find a girlfriend, get married, and have some kids to make the old lady happy. But she sent all those girls packing (lol, great line there).
Great job, very fun supernatural story, told with a very matter-of-fact tone that makes it feel believable!
Carol
Comment Written 12-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 13-Jul-2016
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Thank you. This story is partly true. There is a guy living in my aunt's house who claims he talks to her every day. The rest is fiction.
Comment from Jay Squires
This is about the fifth or sixth "What if" story I've read here. Yours is easily the best I've read so far. The plot-line is clever, and for all but one paragraph I've found it thoroughly motivated, hence believable. That paragraph I've included below. You are a talented writer and, I believe, experienced. One is rarely that good without putting some time in the creative infantry. Technically, there is a good balance between narrative and dialogue. With the short spurt of dialogue after the protag's wife was locked out, the rest was first person narrative, which is as it should be. He was a loner, except for Grace (and once with Claude) so the narrative fit and dialogue wasn't needed to speed along the plot.
This is very well done, my friend, and should do well in the contest. Below are some of my concerns. I hope you find some use for them before the contest deadline ends.
At this point in time, Mary didn't have much use for me and my lifestyle. [Tense shift, subtle though it is. You are talking about Mary when she was still with you. Therefore, you need to change to "At THAT point in time ..."]
built the barn in a little over a month-- amazing. [Minor consideration, but you don't leave me much major stuff to harp about. In the US there is no space before or after the M dash. I didn't mention this in an earlier instance since I thought it probably wouldn't recur, but it seems you consistently space after the second dash.]
but that wasn't the worst of it... [There is a space before and after a three dot ellipsis--unless it ends in a closed quote at which time there is no space before the quote mark.]
Definitely not a good start for our reconcilliation. [ ... start for our RECONCILIATION]
Before the day was over Mary was gone [lol, well, there was her answer!]
Grace knew she would return to her home. [I'm sorry, but this, and really the paragraph it was in kind of confuses me. Old age forced her to go to the nursing home. It sounded voluntary and she DID sell the farm. She knew she would be with her Claude for eternity. But ... you said Claude would not leave the house. Why didn't she stay in it, then? And how could she and Claude be together for eternity if he refused to leave the house. That paragraph seems to go in different directions. (I haven't gone on yet; perhaps it is explained later, but right now Grace seems to lack adequate motivation.
Again, a super job!
reply by the author on 12-Jul-2016
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This is about the fifth or sixth "What if" story I've read here. Yours is easily the best I've read so far. The plot-line is clever, and for all but one paragraph I've found it thoroughly motivated, hence believable. That paragraph I've included below. You are a talented writer and, I believe, experienced. One is rarely that good without putting some time in the creative infantry. Technically, there is a good balance between narrative and dialogue. With the short spurt of dialogue after the protag's wife was locked out, the rest was first person narrative, which is as it should be. He was a loner, except for Grace (and once with Claude) so the narrative fit and dialogue wasn't needed to speed along the plot.
This is very well done, my friend, and should do well in the contest. Below are some of my concerns. I hope you find some use for them before the contest deadline ends.
At this point in time, Mary didn't have much use for me and my lifestyle. [Tense shift, subtle though it is. You are talking about Mary when she was still with you. Therefore, you need to change to "At THAT point in time ..."]
built the barn in a little over a month-- amazing. [Minor consideration, but you don't leave me much major stuff to harp about. In the US there is no space before or after the M dash. I didn't mention this in an earlier instance since I thought it probably wouldn't recur, but it seems you consistently space after the second dash.]
but that wasn't the worst of it... [There is a space before and after a three dot ellipsis--unless it ends in a closed quote at which time there is no space before the quote mark.]
Definitely not a good start for our reconcilliation. [ ... start for our RECONCILIATION]
Before the day was over Mary was gone [lol, well, there was her answer!]
Grace knew she would return to her home. [I'm sorry, but this, and really the paragraph it was in kind of confuses me. Old age forced her to go to the nursing home. It sounded voluntary and she DID sell the farm. She knew she would be with her Claude for eternity. But ... you said Claude would not leave the house. Why didn't she stay in it, then? And how could she and Claude be together for eternity if he refused to leave the house. That paragraph seems to go in different directions. (I haven't gone on yet; perhaps it is explained later, but right now Grace seems to lack adequate motivation.
Again, a super job!
Comment Written 12-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 12-Jul-2016
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Thank you, Jay. I did go back and fix my spelling error. I also added a few words here and there. I will correct the spaces. Aunt Grace was a real person (my aunt). Her health became too bad to allow her to live alone. Sure, Claude's spirit lived in the house but a ghost couldn't take care of her. Grace sold the house because she needed the money for the nursing home. She knew Claude would be waiting for her to return to the house one day. I don't know if Grace and Claude really live there but there is a man living there alone who claims he talks to Grace all the time. He also told me that Grace threw his girlfriends out and locked the door. Who knows? It makes a good story anyway.
Comment from bubblejellybean
Very good writing! And a very unique idea for a story! I really liked it. I didn't see any changes that need to be made. Good job!
reply by the author on 12-Jul-2016
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Very good writing! And a very unique idea for a story! I really liked it. I didn't see any changes that need to be made. Good job!
Comment Written 12-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 12-Jul-2016
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Thank you. I'm so glad you liked the story.
