Deception
Flash Fiction Contest57 total reviews
Comment from Gypsy Blue Rose
Wow! You grabbed my interest from start to end and left me wanting more. Great job, sweetie pie.
Isabel has no idea what a lying dreadful man she married. That kind of deception can ruin your life.
I must confess that I was hoping that his airplane would crash.
Gracias, bonita, muy bien hecho.
La gitana
reply by the author on 19-Jun-2016
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Wow! You grabbed my interest from start to end and left me wanting more. Great job, sweetie pie.
Isabel has no idea what a lying dreadful man she married. That kind of deception can ruin your life.
I must confess that I was hoping that his airplane would crash.
Gracias, bonita, muy bien hecho.
La gitana
Comment Written 18-Jun-2016
reply by the author on 19-Jun-2016
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Hola Gitana, muchisimas gracias. I've got such a great response so I'm thinking I may continue the story. Un abrazo y besitos de tu amiga, Ulla:)))
Comment from Nika2016
I don't have a six, but this is great. I love the fact that they busted him before he even reached his destination. Now,, he gets a murder charge, too.
Good work.
reply by the author on 19-Jun-2016
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I don't have a six, but this is great. I love the fact that they busted him before he even reached his destination. Now,, he gets a murder charge, too.
Good work.
Comment Written 15-Jun-2016
reply by the author on 19-Jun-2016
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Thank you so much and your virtual six. I'm so pleased, that you liked it. All the best. Ulla:))
Comment from GoodHearted Woman
Ulla--we meet again. O, I love this flash fiction. I am currently thinking as hard as I can to find a fun theme.
This story moves along so rapidly, the reader had better find something to hold onto! Did I tell you that between Fan stories I'm watching Criminal Minds BAU, so police stations and morgues are getting very familiar to me. Keep 'em comin'! Are you doing your book simultaneously? Thanks. Marcia
reply by the author on 15-Jun-2016
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Ulla--we meet again. O, I love this flash fiction. I am currently thinking as hard as I can to find a fun theme.
This story moves along so rapidly, the reader had better find something to hold onto! Did I tell you that between Fan stories I'm watching Criminal Minds BAU, so police stations and morgues are getting very familiar to me. Keep 'em comin'! Are you doing your book simultaneously? Thanks. Marcia
Comment Written 15-Jun-2016
reply by the author on 15-Jun-2016
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Aww, thanks a lot for the fun and great review. So glad you liked it. Working on the book, but not released any chapters yet. Thanks for reading. All the best. Ulla:)))
Comment from janalma
Good story. You built up the suspense and then gave us a little twist, with the husband trying to pull a fast one. Altho the story doesn't tell us, we can surmise that the devious plan fails as she can identify the body as not belonging to Christian. Rational progression in this.
A couple of small things you might want to consider...
As the cloth went back a handsome face appeared with a curly brown hair, only the waxen colour of the skin told its own tale. (This sentence seems a little awkward. Sounds like the face has curly brown hair. Lol.)
No, from now on, he would live in comfort >>for the rest of his life,<< and without that tiresome bitch. (I believe you don't need 'for the rest of his life.")
Your call, of course, on these suggestions. Well written story.
reply by the author on 17-Jun-2016
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Good story. You built up the suspense and then gave us a little twist, with the husband trying to pull a fast one. Altho the story doesn't tell us, we can surmise that the devious plan fails as she can identify the body as not belonging to Christian. Rational progression in this.
A couple of small things you might want to consider...
As the cloth went back a handsome face appeared with a curly brown hair, only the waxen colour of the skin told its own tale. (This sentence seems a little awkward. Sounds like the face has curly brown hair. Lol.)
No, from now on, he would live in comfort >>for the rest of his life,<< and without that tiresome bitch. (I believe you don't need 'for the rest of his life.")
Your call, of course, on these suggestions. Well written story.
Comment Written 15-Jun-2016
reply by the author on 17-Jun-2016
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Thank you so much for the great review and suggestions. I'm looking into it. Thanks a lot. All the best. Ulla:))
Comment from ciliverde
Hmmm...somebody's escape plans have gone terribly awry. Apparently a body was supposed to have burned, but it hasn't, so soon enough they'll figure out he's missing. And then what? That's the appeal of flash fiction, the reader sits and thinks about how this all might play out...what made Isabel seem so awful to him, what life had been like for the two of them...
Well done!
Carol
reply by the author on 18-Jun-2016
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Hmmm...somebody's escape plans have gone terribly awry. Apparently a body was supposed to have burned, but it hasn't, so soon enough they'll figure out he's missing. And then what? That's the appeal of flash fiction, the reader sits and thinks about how this all might play out...what made Isabel seem so awful to him, what life had been like for the two of them...
Well done!
Carol
Comment Written 15-Jun-2016
reply by the author on 18-Jun-2016
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Thanks a lot Carol. So glad you liked my story. All the best. Ulla:)))
Comment from foxangie123
You are one of my very favorite authoress and you are more Gannon able to write a book. I am more than entertainewith that you pen and have been since day one. You are at the head of the class and I mean it too.
reply by the author on 18-Jun-2016
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You are one of my very favorite authoress and you are more Gannon able to write a book. I am more than entertainewith that you pen and have been since day one. You are at the head of the class and I mean it too.
Comment Written 14-Jun-2016
reply by the author on 18-Jun-2016
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Thank you Angie. All the best. Ulla:)
Comment from Dustybones
I enjoyed your short story as it kept me reading until the end. I feel sorry for the woman. That's unfair to set up someone else's death just to leave a woman.
reply by the author on 18-Jun-2016
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I enjoyed your short story as it kept me reading until the end. I feel sorry for the woman. That's unfair to set up someone else's death just to leave a woman.
Comment Written 14-Jun-2016
reply by the author on 18-Jun-2016
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I know, it doesn't seem fair. Thanks a lot for the review. All the best. Ulla:))
Comment from humpwhistle
Hey, Ulla. I hope you do well in this contest.
I wish this contest had been better defined. Flash Fiction is a form usually epitomized by terse prose, tight storytelling, and a twist ending.
None of that was stipulated in the rules, therefore the term 'Flash' strikes me as 'quasi'.
I like your ending. But even that is 'telling' as opposed to showing.
Your story falls well within the word limit, but misses the point of Flash. Your character took two paragraphs just to get out of bed. This is the antithesis of true Flash Fiction.
But FS has different rules.
I'm not being critical, Ulla. Just trying to inform.
Again, I wish you the best of luck.
Peace, Lee
reply by the author on 14-Jun-2016
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Hey, Ulla. I hope you do well in this contest.
I wish this contest had been better defined. Flash Fiction is a form usually epitomized by terse prose, tight storytelling, and a twist ending.
None of that was stipulated in the rules, therefore the term 'Flash' strikes me as 'quasi'.
I like your ending. But even that is 'telling' as opposed to showing.
Your story falls well within the word limit, but misses the point of Flash. Your character took two paragraphs just to get out of bed. This is the antithesis of true Flash Fiction.
But FS has different rules.
I'm not being critical, Ulla. Just trying to inform.
Again, I wish you the best of luck.
Peace, Lee
Comment Written 14-Jun-2016
reply by the author on 14-Jun-2016
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Ach well, Can't win can I. here I thought I had quite a nice little tale (sigh) and I end up telling it all. I see what you mean with the flash though. All best. Ulla:))
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No, Ulla, I don't mean to single you out. I'm just suggesting that the FS version of Flash is not true to the form.
Please don't feel singled out. Lee
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Ulla, I might have it all wrong. But I've always thought Flash required tight, terse prose. The rules here don't require that.
I hope you do well in the voting. L
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Sorry, I was too tired last night to come back with another answer. I tend to agree with you. This is not true flash which I think should be max 500 words. It's a brilliant excercise to tidy up on the language, and difficult to write well. I din't think you singled me out. But when I had 1000 words to play with I thought I better use them. Ulla:))
Comment from soulpillar
This has been an enjoyable pleasant story to read through!
Here's some highlights:
I loved the narrative shift between the in-depth description of Isabel's normal breakfast to being at the door. It's jarring and unnatural, which is exactly what it is supposed to be.
Christian's little thrust of victory and self-assured nature feels genuine, all so certain he's beaten every comer. I can imagine a flash fiction where the exact same situation plays out in reverse. A knock on his door by officers in blue, "A word please", "We'd like to identify this man", Christian's realization of his deception's reveal, cut to a final scene of Isabel's cold assurance of revenge.
reply by the author on 27-Jun-2016
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This has been an enjoyable pleasant story to read through!
Here's some highlights:
I loved the narrative shift between the in-depth description of Isabel's normal breakfast to being at the door. It's jarring and unnatural, which is exactly what it is supposed to be.
Christian's little thrust of victory and self-assured nature feels genuine, all so certain he's beaten every comer. I can imagine a flash fiction where the exact same situation plays out in reverse. A knock on his door by officers in blue, "A word please", "We'd like to identify this man", Christian's realization of his deception's reveal, cut to a final scene of Isabel's cold assurance of revenge.
Comment Written 14-Jun-2016
reply by the author on 27-Jun-2016
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Thanks ever so much and I made edits to the piece. So sorry for my late answer but so much happening here. All the best. Ulla:))
Comment from mfowler
You develop the narrative of your flash fiction with a good balance of dialogue and description. The words are used effectively without intruding on the story's flow. The final reveal has two levels. First we find her husband isn't dead, and then her man flying high thinking he's off to Australia with impunity. The guy is not aware what a faulty job his accomplice had engineered. A great idea, well written.
One suggestion: without the tiresome bitch...change 'the' to 'that' and see if you like the different impact.
reply by the author on 14-Jun-2016
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You develop the narrative of your flash fiction with a good balance of dialogue and description. The words are used effectively without intruding on the story's flow. The final reveal has two levels. First we find her husband isn't dead, and then her man flying high thinking he's off to Australia with impunity. The guy is not aware what a faulty job his accomplice had engineered. A great idea, well written.
One suggestion: without the tiresome bitch...change 'the' to 'that' and see if you like the different impact.
Comment Written 14-Jun-2016
reply by the author on 14-Jun-2016
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Hi Mark, thanks for this great review and comments. I'm so glad you liked my flash. It's funny that you should suggest changing 'the tiresome bitch' to 'that tiresome bitch.' That is excactly how I wrote it first, but a few suggested to change to 'the'. Sometimes it's hard to trust my own writing as it is not my first language, but tell you what, I'm going to change it back to your suggestion. Thanks again. All the best. Ulla:))
