The Girl in the Picture
Short Story-Character Contest18 total reviews
Comment from mfowler
People tell me to write a book from some of my short stories. You have enough for a stage musical to rival 'West Side Story' in here. Vicki reminds me of Maria.
This story took me through all sorts of hoops as I tried to predict the outcome. At one point I had Vicki playing Demi Moore's ghost to Patrick Swayze's live boyfriend, but it turns out to be a beautiful love story after all. There's such drama and passion in here, Latin passion at that. (Just an aside, did you notice that most of the guys from that picture ended up being Tony, Joey, Frankie, or Vic? Must be the hairdo.) I thought the prison scene was brilliant. Maybe, you exercising your 'man' side for a moment. Having said that, using Vicki as the voice of the narrative was an inspired choice. This was one of those stories where you had to cheer for the young lovers, and hope you didn't get all 'post modern' on us and have them dragged back to prison, only for Vicki and the bubs to die a miserable death in poverty.
A very inventive response to the prompt, well scripted with a dynamite story. Congratulations on your second placing.
reply by the author on 04-May-2016
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People tell me to write a book from some of my short stories. You have enough for a stage musical to rival 'West Side Story' in here. Vicki reminds me of Maria.
This story took me through all sorts of hoops as I tried to predict the outcome. At one point I had Vicki playing Demi Moore's ghost to Patrick Swayze's live boyfriend, but it turns out to be a beautiful love story after all. There's such drama and passion in here, Latin passion at that. (Just an aside, did you notice that most of the guys from that picture ended up being Tony, Joey, Frankie, or Vic? Must be the hairdo.) I thought the prison scene was brilliant. Maybe, you exercising your 'man' side for a moment. Having said that, using Vicki as the voice of the narrative was an inspired choice. This was one of those stories where you had to cheer for the young lovers, and hope you didn't get all 'post modern' on us and have them dragged back to prison, only for Vicki and the bubs to die a miserable death in poverty.
A very inventive response to the prompt, well scripted with a dynamite story. Congratulations on your second placing.
Comment Written 04-May-2016
reply by the author on 04-May-2016
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Wow. That's quite the endorsement. I'm so delighted you enjoyed this. I shy away form straight forward stories. But I thought I'd give it a go here. I did have some expert help. Gloria was a super help. She really imparts things well in a way that I understand. So it makes a difference. I did feel like I could expand on this and I held back to keep the length reasonable. That's not always the case. I was curious. What in the world is up with the rankings today? I see Gman and Mr. Whistle and some others have vanished for the moment. Any idea what happened? People are going to think I bumped people off to get number two. HAHAHA. Thanks a million, mikey
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All I know is that I got an email about the rankings, followed the prompt and got last year's results. Happens regularly. Beats me?
Comment from C.J. 16
Great work on this story mikey. It looks like you put a lot of effort into it, and it is very interesting and suspenseful.
Paragraph 1: Halloween needs a capital H
Vickie is spelled Vicki in at least three places:
paragraph 7 from the top, and then paragraph 2 and paragraph 7 under The Release
Under Eight Years Ago--The Crime
mamacita (spelled with a "c" not an "s")
Excellent work. All the best.
Linda
reply by the author on 02-May-2016
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Great work on this story mikey. It looks like you put a lot of effort into it, and it is very interesting and suspenseful.
Paragraph 1: Halloween needs a capital H
Vickie is spelled Vicki in at least three places:
paragraph 7 from the top, and then paragraph 2 and paragraph 7 under The Release
Under Eight Years Ago--The Crime
mamacita (spelled with a "c" not an "s")
Excellent work. All the best.
Linda
Comment Written 30-Apr-2016
reply by the author on 02-May-2016
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Great editing catches. Thanks so much. I'll try and fix those tonight. I know how to spell mamcita. Que Lastima. LOL
Thanks so much. Yes, I got some great help and I followed some good advice. mikey
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You're very welcome Mikey. In a long piece there are bound to be typos, whether they're in English or Spanish.
No worries. Have a nice day. Linda
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You're very welcome Mikey. In a long piece there are bound to be typos, whether they're in English or Spanish.
No worries. Have a nice day. Linda
Comment from Realist101
Hey again! Wow Mike, you really took this one and ran with it! It's very hard to do this many POV's and this works for me. Sort of reminds me of a movie called 'The Place Behind The Pines'. A great show. But if Gloria has suggestions, don't be stubborn? Lol! We gals are mostly right. But this is great and sorry I don't have a six. (This will do well in the contest.) I did try to spot spags and didn't see any...tho with my eyes, it's hard to read these days.
reply by the author on 30-Apr-2016
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Hey again! Wow Mike, you really took this one and ran with it! It's very hard to do this many POV's and this works for me. Sort of reminds me of a movie called 'The Place Behind The Pines'. A great show. But if Gloria has suggestions, don't be stubborn? Lol! We gals are mostly right. But this is great and sorry I don't have a six. (This will do well in the contest.) I did try to spot spags and didn't see any...tho with my eyes, it's hard to read these days.
Comment Written 30-Apr-2016
reply by the author on 30-Apr-2016
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I'm no fool, I took all of Gloria's suggestions. LOL!!! Chicks rule. How do you think I made it through life? I knew that in nursery school. Yep, the soft ones that smell good, that's the direction I'm going. :))
I'm so thrilled you liked this. I'm so insecure with a regular story like this. Jeesh. I did worry about the prison portion because it's a different POV than the rest of the story. But I really wanted the two different POVs, him coming out and her waiting. Anyway, I'm so delighted you liked this. Of course there's no SPAG, I know lots of gals and they all find me pitiful. HAHAHA! mikey
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Mikey, you have the best attitude. I'm sure it helps you get by with a lot, but I believe Gloria a lucky gal. :)
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Aww. You're too sweet. Not sure how lucky she is. HA! But that reminds me. POTLATCH tomorrow. Acrostics. I know you can write one of those things. Besides we're all in the same boat and sworn to niceness. 6 PM Eastern Standard Time. Poetry Forum. All the cool kids will be there. Free drinks, free food, festive dances, everything you could imagine. :)) mikey
Comment from seaglass
of all the stories I read based on this picture, I liked this best. Tee picture suggests male intimidation towards a female but you were able the see more. I also liked the happy ending.
"(I )crime occurred, his name came up." [if]
reply by the author on 02-May-2016
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of all the stories I read based on this picture, I liked this best. Tee picture suggests male intimidation towards a female but you were able the see more. I also liked the happy ending.
"(I )crime occurred, his name came up." [if]
Comment Written 29-Apr-2016
reply by the author on 02-May-2016
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Really? Wow. That's so awesome to hear. I started out with a much smaller story and started getting a little help here and there. It just grew into something pretty good the more I edited and worked on it. Thrilled you liked and for the cool stars. Good eyes. I didn't even notice that. Thanks so much, mikey
Comment from barkingdog
Good story for the picture. You did the girl's part very well.
It sounds like you had lots of expert help with this one. Gloria's a sweetheart to give you a hand.
I didn't see any problem with you giving Frankie's POV in the prison scenes.
Good luck in the contest.
:) e
reply by the author on 02-May-2016
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Good story for the picture. You did the girl's part very well.
It sounds like you had lots of expert help with this one. Gloria's a sweetheart to give you a hand.
I didn't see any problem with you giving Frankie's POV in the prison scenes.
Good luck in the contest.
:) e
Comment Written 29-Apr-2016
reply by the author on 02-May-2016
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Oh, that's good to hear. I've always hung out with girls, guys are pretty boring. :))
YES! Gloria's amazing and patient and wonderful. POV is difficult to explain I think and she's good at making it clear. A huge help. Cool with the prison scenes. It's separate I think, so it seems okay. I could see a problem if I tried to blend it together. Thanks so much, mikey
Comment from nancy_e_davis
I like your decision. It shows Frank was sincere about doing his time and going straight after release so he could be with
Vicki. Great love story and I forgot a man was writing it. Good job Michael. Nancy
reply by the author on 02-May-2016
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I like your decision. It shows Frank was sincere about doing his time and going straight after release so he could be with
Vicki. Great love story and I forgot a man was writing it. Good job Michael. Nancy
Comment Written 29-Apr-2016
reply by the author on 02-May-2016
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Oh, good! That's great to hear. I forgot I was writing a female part really and just wrote so maybe it's best if the writer doesn't try to hard to figure out what the opposite sex thinks. I just kind of went by what I knew by instinct or something. HAHAHA! I don't even know what I'm talking about. I'm just glad you liked it and it worked for you. Thanks a bunch. michael
Comment from Ima L. Ami
There's so much truth and sadness to this story. I'm glad it ended happily because so many times it doesn't. I wonder, if the story had been reversed, if he would have waited for her?
reply by the author on 02-May-2016
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There's so much truth and sadness to this story. I'm glad it ended happily because so many times it doesn't. I wonder, if the story had been reversed, if he would have waited for her?
Comment Written 29-Apr-2016
reply by the author on 02-May-2016
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I would've. But I'm absurdly romantic and loyal. I think there are a lot of men who would, but it is more likely for a woman. They're just higher quality beings. Don't tell any of the guys I said that. LOL mikey
Comment from Phyllis Stewart
Wild imagination you have there, and it paid off for you well! Fascinating story. Comma problems must be fixed, tho. Remove EVERY comma below. They are not supposed to be there. Trust me on that, or ask, and I will explain the reason. :)
Frankie Cardenas called me, Boo. I called him, Blade.
My persona and its perception by the world, is 'good girl'
reply by the author on 02-May-2016
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Wild imagination you have there, and it paid off for you well! Fascinating story. Comma problems must be fixed, tho. Remove EVERY comma below. They are not supposed to be there. Trust me on that, or ask, and I will explain the reason. :)
Frankie Cardenas called me, Boo. I called him, Blade.
My persona and its perception by the world, is 'good girl'
Comment Written 29-Apr-2016
reply by the author on 02-May-2016
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Commas fixed. Thank you. Got confused with direct address I think. It looks similar to a weary brain. :))
Pleased you liked this. I got some help and good advice. mikey
Comment from Gloria ....
Murderer crisscrossed no one's mind and (the mere mention of the word in connection with me would provoke laughter.) would provoke laughter in anyone who knew me. The comparison is missing in that sentence.
Murderer certainly found ready believers in Frankie's case. Blade proved a well-earned moniker. Murderer certainly found ready believers in Frankie's case and with his nickname, Blade, it proved to be a well-earned moniker. Remember the reader doesn't know what the author knows, so the writer needs to make all the connections as clear as possible to a person just coming into the story.
But not many have their virginity erased in a meadow of wildflowers by the love of their life and soulmate for eternity. To me this line is confusing as it is connected to Tony who I think is NOT the love of her life or soulmate for eternity, but more of a passing fancy. So you just need to tweak that a little to read what I'm guessing you to mean which is: My virginity was erased in a meadow of wildflowers, not by the love of my life and soulmate for eternity, but by Tony, the friend of the boy I really loved.
The time shifts are a little rough, and the jail thoughts could either be eliminated completely or changed to more directly reflect Vickie's POV.
"For God's sake, Vicki, (Vickie) what ...
You, bastard! (You were raping me. Common (Come on) now, get up! Tony."
If the story is told from Vickie's POV the entire LA County Jail sequence has to be accounted for from her ability to know this. My recommendation would be to put all that info in a letter to Vickie or delete it entirely.
Don't run, Vicki. (Vickie) Walk. Remember to use "Find" to check the names because you've changed Vickie's name a few times throughout. I'm not sure what software you are using but there should be a find feature somewhere.
Anyway good going and with a few more tweaks and edits this is good to go. Remember the POV, that is the key position in any story telling. Who is telling the story and what is it that person/entity can see or know. Keep that focus all the time and you won't get lost in who is telling the story making for a clearer understanding.
Hope this helps,
Gloria
reply by the author on 29-Apr-2016
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Murderer crisscrossed no one's mind and (the mere mention of the word in connection with me would provoke laughter.) would provoke laughter in anyone who knew me. The comparison is missing in that sentence.
Murderer certainly found ready believers in Frankie's case. Blade proved a well-earned moniker. Murderer certainly found ready believers in Frankie's case and with his nickname, Blade, it proved to be a well-earned moniker. Remember the reader doesn't know what the author knows, so the writer needs to make all the connections as clear as possible to a person just coming into the story.
But not many have their virginity erased in a meadow of wildflowers by the love of their life and soulmate for eternity. To me this line is confusing as it is connected to Tony who I think is NOT the love of her life or soulmate for eternity, but more of a passing fancy. So you just need to tweak that a little to read what I'm guessing you to mean which is: My virginity was erased in a meadow of wildflowers, not by the love of my life and soulmate for eternity, but by Tony, the friend of the boy I really loved.
The time shifts are a little rough, and the jail thoughts could either be eliminated completely or changed to more directly reflect Vickie's POV.
"For God's sake, Vicki, (Vickie) what ...
You, bastard! (You were raping me. Common (Come on) now, get up!
If the story is told from Vickie's POV the entire LA County Jail sequence has to be accounted for from her ability to know this. My recommendation would be to put all that info in a letter to Vickie or delete it entirely.
Don't run, Vicki. (Vickie) Walk. Remember to use "Find" to check the names because you've changed Vickie's name a few times throughout. I'm not sure what software you are using but there should be a find feature somewhere.
Anyway good going and with a few more tweaks and edits this is good to go. Remember the POV, that is the key position in any story telling. Who is telling the story and what is it that person/entity can see or know. Keep that focus all the time and you won't get lost in who is telling the story making for a clearer understanding.
Hope this helps,
Gloria
Comment Written 29-Apr-2016
reply by the author on 29-Apr-2016
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Yes! All a great help. I see with the whole wildflowers scene it's just confusing. She lost her virginity in Tony's car. The field of wildflowers is her stating what didn't happen, in other words it wasn't a romantic dream encounter etc. Okay, so not clear at all and it needs to read quickly and clearly to avoid confusion.
The prison stuff is another matter. I know it isn't her point of view. I'm inserting it as being from his point of view.
While she's in one place thinking and experiencing one thing, he's in another experiencing something else. This is what is happening separately right before they finally meet up again after eight years.
Well, I know it's not exactly correct in a short story, but I don't see why there can't be on part in one point of view and another part in another point of view. Not saying it's a GOOD idea, just saying why not?
All the other tips are great. In fact I know all of this is what I should do. Thanks a million. Very few review like this with actual help and alternatives that can actually improve things. Thanks so much.
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There is a way around that, and that is to use third person limited or omniscient POV. And yes great novels have been written using a number of POVs, so it isn't by any stretch a firm rule, it's just easier for a reader to identify with a character in a short story.
I think you've done a fine, fine job. :))
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Oh. Thank you. I wouldn't have a clue what any of that means had you not taken the time to explain it. I'll study it some more and try and have it make some sense. I know I want the information in there. You were totally right on everything else, so I have the feeling you're right here too. DUH! Thanks again. You're really too patient and sweet, Angel
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What you could do to include all that information is to write it from the POV of Tony, the murdered boy. Because he's dead he could well have a much bigger picture and see everything.
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AHHHH! I just noticed this. Hmmm. That's intriguing. I'm thinking that is a major cool idea AND it sounds so exactly like the totally right thing to do. Thanks so much. Love the angles. Mav
Comment from Nika2016
Excellent story. I hope you do not mind my review of your writing. Tony deserved what he received and no cop in the world would say anything differently. Rape is a violent crime where the aggressor is power-hungry. The balance of power is not even..therefore she used a weapon to address the imbalance. A woman in our town used her husband's rifle on him. She was released immediately..as he was beating her. You called Vicky a murderer. This is a misnomer. The law looks at intent and motive in deciding if a crime has been committed. You did a good job with this story and its characters.
reply by the author on 02-May-2016
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Excellent story. I hope you do not mind my review of your writing. Tony deserved what he received and no cop in the world would say anything differently. Rape is a violent crime where the aggressor is power-hungry. The balance of power is not even..therefore she used a weapon to address the imbalance. A woman in our town used her husband's rifle on him. She was released immediately..as he was beating her. You called Vicky a murderer. This is a misnomer. The law looks at intent and motive in deciding if a crime has been committed. You did a good job with this story and its characters.
Comment Written 28-Apr-2016
reply by the author on 02-May-2016
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Hi, Nika
I couldn't agree more regarding Tony. Nothing worse than rape or abuse of any kind. It should be dealt with in the harshest way. Sometimes justice isn't as just as it should be in the gang world. I've seen it first hand. They're not given the same level of respect that other citizens are. I agree completely. She couldn't be more innocent. Thanks for the compliments and as always for the candor and insights. Always appreciated. mikey
