Yellow Skies
A scary day in my young years.23 total reviews
Comment from frogbook
This took me straight back to a time n my Aunt's house in Iowa, where there is a lot of tornados. We are from Colorado where there is not, or didn't used to be anyway.Your description was remarkably similar. Well written and interesting. (For me nostalgic.) And you might not believe this but I was at my, "Aunie Ems! LOL.
reply by the author on 09-Feb-2016
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This took me straight back to a time n my Aunt's house in Iowa, where there is a lot of tornados. We are from Colorado where there is not, or didn't used to be anyway.Your description was remarkably similar. Well written and interesting. (For me nostalgic.) And you might not believe this but I was at my, "Aunie Ems! LOL.
Comment Written 09-Feb-2016
reply by the author on 09-Feb-2016
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Thank you for reading. I remember this so well because weather like this is so unusual in Michigan. I didn't even know what was happening until dad told us. It was a pretty scary day.
Comment from papa55mike
Living in Tennessee I've too many myself. Three have formed in the field behind my house including one, two weeks ago. Your story is a wonderfully written account of a young experiencing a storm like this for the first time. Good luck in the contest. I wish I had a six for you. Have a great day and God bless.
mike
reply by the author on 09-Feb-2016
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Living in Tennessee I've too many myself. Three have formed in the field behind my house including one, two weeks ago. Your story is a wonderfully written account of a young experiencing a storm like this for the first time. Good luck in the contest. I wish I had a six for you. Have a great day and God bless.
mike
Comment Written 09-Feb-2016
reply by the author on 09-Feb-2016
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Thank you. A tornado is not too common here in Michigan. I don't know if I would want to live where you do with tornados coming along that often. Doesn't it scare you?
Comment from Unspoken94
And yet there is no scientific explanation for it? Yes, it is strange.
A wonderful story as told by your 10 year old self. You were right
at that age that something like this would indeed be very
memorable. You told the story well and I wish you the best in
the contest. -Bill
reply by the author on 09-Feb-2016
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And yet there is no scientific explanation for it? Yes, it is strange.
A wonderful story as told by your 10 year old self. You were right
at that age that something like this would indeed be very
memorable. You told the story well and I wish you the best in
the contest. -Bill
Comment Written 08-Feb-2016
reply by the author on 09-Feb-2016
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Thank you. Tornadoes are not common in Michigan so that day stayed in my mind forever. I have never again witnessed a yellow sky such as that.
Comment from Robert Louis Fox
Your first sentence is both passive and a summary of the situation. Why do you want to let the steam out before your story even gets cooking? After all, this is not an essay! Your second sentence would make a much better start. This is a piece about a storm coming. Do you want make it more suspenseful? Then start with danger! Maybe something like this: [The air was heavy and hard to breathe. Sure, summers are humid in Michigan, but not like this. It was dead calm and hot. Even our normally busy squad of chickens...] The idea is to create suspense by presenting danger using short phrases and sentences.
Instead of telling us about your mom wanting potatoes, consider using dialog to introduce your characters. Also, you can increase tension by cutting fluff. Ask yourself which details contribute to the complications. For instance, does it make the story better to know it's 10:00 AM? Not really--not unless we know the tornado is coming at 10:06--then it's suspenseful. Be ruthless. Eliminate unneeded details and get right to the good stuff. And deploy active verbs.
Another tool for building a suspenseful story is using a micro structure called: motivation-reaction units. Each unit is deployed in separate paragraphs. First you give a motivation, then the character's reaction to it. Maybe like this (I'm sure you can do better):
"Johnny, honey, will you go to the garden and dig some potatoes for dinner. Please darling?" [motivation segment]
"Yes, Mom." I started out the door hollering for Tiny, our family beagle. [1st Reaction segment-main character]
Tiny crawled under the table and refused to go. [2nd reaction-Tiny]
Odd. Normally Tiny wouldn't let me out of her sight. I thought maybe it was too hot... [3rd specific reaction]
To keep suspense building, keep the story focused on the complications:
As the door slammed behind me, I noticed everything had turned yellow--a bright yellow like I had never seen before. And now, not only were the chickens silent, they had vanished... [see how this is a new motivation sequence?]
[Reaction] I was spooked. I quickly dug the potatoes...
[Motivation] I heard dad's tractor...
[separate the reaction in a new paragraph] I wondered why they were coming in early...
[Increase tension now by slipping in shorter sentences. New Motivation:] Dad put the old John Deere in the barn.
[Reaction in new paragraph] "Why are you closing the doors, Dad? You only do that in winter."
[Motivation] "Everyone in the basement now!" [father introduced with dialog--GOOD.]
[Reaction] When dad spoke, no one...
[Motivation] Dad and Mom went outside. It was eerily still and silent.
I'm sure you can see how it works. When the storm comes, milk it! Describe the terrible noises and and shaking and rumbling dangers as motivations. By now you've got the readers on the edges of their seats. Give them great details. Then detail your fearful reactions, and the reactions of others, and lead it all up to your climax--the payoff, if you will.
This is a great short story--I love the foreshadowing of coming danger and emotions expressed by the dog. I love seeing this experience, though told as an adult, remembered through a child's eyes; same POV as To Kill A Mockingbird. Yes?
Make your payoff a payoff! This isn't an essay. Instead of summarizing how it sounded worse than it was, SHOW US! Imagine again those child eyes and ears and the hair on you neck and what it was like coming out wondering if you were homeless, and then what the relief felt like finding the world as you'd known it was spared.
As much as I like your story, I feel the last paragraph really jumps the track. The story problem here is about tornados, not snow--you're muddying the water. Maybe describe a brief drive and react to what it was like seeing the carnage that happened to someone else instead--and maybe end with a moral--like your guardian angel. Or maybe end by finding the dog still under the table. What would make a really good kicker would be if the dog's reluctance to go outside had somehow saved the main character from harm.
Think emotionally. You've got a good story here that should be tightened up in some places and expanded in others. Keep up the good writing. Best regards, BobFox
reply by the author on 08-Feb-2016
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Your first sentence is both passive and a summary of the situation. Why do you want to let the steam out before your story even gets cooking? After all, this is not an essay! Your second sentence would make a much better start. This is a piece about a storm coming. Do you want make it more suspenseful? Then start with danger! Maybe something like this: [The air was heavy and hard to breathe. Sure, summers are humid in Michigan, but not like this. It was dead calm and hot. Even our normally busy squad of chickens...] The idea is to create suspense by presenting danger using short phrases and sentences.
Instead of telling us about your mom wanting potatoes, consider using dialog to introduce your characters. Also, you can increase tension by cutting fluff. Ask yourself which details contribute to the complications. For instance, does it make the story better to know it's 10:00 AM? Not really--not unless we know the tornado is coming at 10:06--then it's suspenseful. Be ruthless. Eliminate unneeded details and get right to the good stuff. And deploy active verbs.
Another tool for building a suspenseful story is using a micro structure called: motivation-reaction units. Each unit is deployed in separate paragraphs. First you give a motivation, then the character's reaction to it. Maybe like this (I'm sure you can do better):
"Johnny, honey, will you go to the garden and dig some potatoes for dinner. Please darling?" [motivation segment]
"Yes, Mom." I started out the door hollering for Tiny, our family beagle. [1st Reaction segment-main character]
Tiny crawled under the table and refused to go. [2nd reaction-Tiny]
Odd. Normally Tiny wouldn't let me out of her sight. I thought maybe it was too hot... [3rd specific reaction]
To keep suspense building, keep the story focused on the complications:
As the door slammed behind me, I noticed everything had turned yellow--a bright yellow like I had never seen before. And now, not only were the chickens silent, they had vanished... [see how this is a new motivation sequence?]
[Reaction] I was spooked. I quickly dug the potatoes...
[Motivation] I heard dad's tractor...
[separate the reaction in a new paragraph] I wondered why they were coming in early...
[Increase tension now by slipping in shorter sentences. New Motivation:] Dad put the old John Deere in the barn.
[Reaction in new paragraph] "Why are you closing the doors, Dad? You only do that in winter."
[Motivation] "Everyone in the basement now!" [father introduced with dialog--GOOD.]
[Reaction] When dad spoke, no one...
[Motivation] Dad and Mom went outside. It was eerily still and silent.
I'm sure you can see how it works. When the storm comes, milk it! Describe the terrible noises and and shaking and rumbling dangers as motivations. By now you've got the readers on the edges of their seats. Give them great details. Then detail your fearful reactions, and the reactions of others, and lead it all up to your climax--the payoff, if you will.
This is a great short story--I love the foreshadowing of coming danger and emotions expressed by the dog. I love seeing this experience, though told as an adult, remembered through a child's eyes; same POV as To Kill A Mockingbird. Yes?
Make your payoff a payoff! This isn't an essay. Instead of summarizing how it sounded worse than it was, SHOW US! Imagine again those child eyes and ears and the hair on you neck and what it was like coming out wondering if you were homeless, and then what the relief felt like finding the world as you'd known it was spared.
As much as I like your story, I feel the last paragraph really jumps the track. The story problem here is about tornados, not snow--you're muddying the water. Maybe describe a brief drive and react to what it was like seeing the carnage that happened to someone else instead--and maybe end with a moral--like your guardian angel. Or maybe end by finding the dog still under the table. What would make a really good kicker would be if the dog's reluctance to go outside had somehow saved the main character from harm.
Think emotionally. You've got a good story here that should be tightened up in some places and expanded in others. Keep up the good writing. Best regards, BobFox
Comment Written 08-Feb-2016
reply by the author on 08-Feb-2016
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Thanks for your wonderful insight. You have given me many tips and thoughts to ponder. I am going to print this information off and keep it for my next story. Thank you, thank you, thank you for helping me. I am a beginner at this writing stuff and need all the help I can get.
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Your welcome! Writing is fun.
Comment from Bill O'Bier
I loved reading your story and was drawn in. This piece paints a picture of this event in your life. The descriptive language flowed well. Thanks for sharing.
Bill--
reply by the author on 08-Feb-2016
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I loved reading your story and was drawn in. This piece paints a picture of this event in your life. The descriptive language flowed well. Thanks for sharing.
Bill--
Comment Written 08-Feb-2016
reply by the author on 08-Feb-2016
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Thank you for reading. Michigan is not known for severe weather so this was an unusual occurrence for us. I hope I never see yellow skies again in my lifetime.
Comment from damommy
I was in a storm like that many years ago. As I stood looking around, the birds were not chirping and everything was so weirdly still. All of a sudden a metal storage building came flying out of nowhere. Had it not been quick thinking on my son's part, I would not be here to read this.
Your story is alive and good reading. I enjoyed it very much. I'm so happy your family and farm were safe. Thank you for sharing this. 8-)
reply by the author on 08-Feb-2016
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I was in a storm like that many years ago. As I stood looking around, the birds were not chirping and everything was so weirdly still. All of a sudden a metal storage building came flying out of nowhere. Had it not been quick thinking on my son's part, I would not be here to read this.
Your story is alive and good reading. I enjoyed it very much. I'm so happy your family and farm were safe. Thank you for sharing this. 8-)
Comment Written 07-Feb-2016
reply by the author on 08-Feb-2016
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Thank you. I remember this so well because we do not have many severe storms in Michigan. I never saw anything like that yellow sky that day.
Comment from robyn corum
What a terrible beginning! I'm so glad it didn't turn out to be anything bad for you and your family. I live in Alabama, and we get to 'enjoy' this kind od lovely weather several times a year.
Interesting reading!
reply by the author on 08-Feb-2016
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What a terrible beginning! I'm so glad it didn't turn out to be anything bad for you and your family. I live in Alabama, and we get to 'enjoy' this kind od lovely weather several times a year.
Interesting reading!
Comment Written 07-Feb-2016
reply by the author on 08-Feb-2016
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Thank you. Yes, I am always hearing on the news about the terrible storms in other states. It makes me grateful for the great lakes. They do protect us a lot.
Comment from Lynn27
I enjoyed reading your piece about the tornado. I am glad that your family's farm was untouched. A few years ago a nasty tornado in northern Indiana, and that was scary too.
reply by the author on 08-Feb-2016
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I enjoyed reading your piece about the tornado. I am glad that your family's farm was untouched. A few years ago a nasty tornado in northern Indiana, and that was scary too.
Comment Written 07-Feb-2016
reply by the author on 08-Feb-2016
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Thank you. I think you have more severe storms then we do. The great lakes protect us quite a bit.
Comment from Phyllis Stewart
Interesting, and definitely scary. I saw that eerie yellow sky about twenty years ago. We went to the crawl space and gathered around a metal support post. We lost a brittle willow tree and some shingles, but the tornado missed us by a few miles, hitting a church and killing a group of nuns when the roof collapsed. You just never know when or where one will strike.
reply by the author on 08-Feb-2016
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Interesting, and definitely scary. I saw that eerie yellow sky about twenty years ago. We went to the crawl space and gathered around a metal support post. We lost a brittle willow tree and some shingles, but the tornado missed us by a few miles, hitting a church and killing a group of nuns when the roof collapsed. You just never know when or where one will strike.
Comment Written 07-Feb-2016
reply by the author on 08-Feb-2016
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Thank you. That's an awful thing to happen to those nuns. I'm glad your family came out okay. We hardly ever have severe storms here in Michigan. The great lakes protect us quite a bit.
Comment from jpduck
You described this extraordinarily well, I thought, with a fine sense of place. Best of luck with the contest.
I loved the idea of a 'mouthy parakeet'.
'What we do have is a lot of snow with lake effect snow flurries.' (I'm afraid I don't understand what this sentence means).
Adrian
reply by the author on 07-Feb-2016
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You described this extraordinarily well, I thought, with a fine sense of place. Best of luck with the contest.
I loved the idea of a 'mouthy parakeet'.
'What we do have is a lot of snow with lake effect snow flurries.' (I'm afraid I don't understand what this sentence means).
Adrian
Comment Written 07-Feb-2016
reply by the author on 07-Feb-2016
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Thank you. We have snow flurries that are produced by the great lakes. The weather people call them lake effect snow flurries. I'm not exactly sure what is meant by that phrase. I simply know we get a lot of snow here in Michigan and the lakes have something to do with it.
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I understand; thank you.
Adrian
