The Solitude of Success
Short Story-Part 119 total reviews
Comment from RodG
Although I am a Bears fan, I enjoyed this story of a star running back being a hero and critically injured on one play. Very realistic description of HOW it happened and the reaction on the field thereafter. As the story progresses, we are pleased The Jet survives and that his ally, Coach Flanders, got him on the roster. I think this novel(la) has real possibilities and am looking forward to seeing further postings. Rod
reply by the author on 15-Nov-2015
  |
Although I am a Bears fan, I enjoyed this story of a star running back being a hero and critically injured on one play. Very realistic description of HOW it happened and the reaction on the field thereafter. As the story progresses, we are pleased The Jet survives and that his ally, Coach Flanders, got him on the roster. I think this novel(la) has real possibilities and am looking forward to seeing further postings. Rod
Comment Written 15-Nov-2015
reply by the author on 15-Nov-2015
-
Well, remember, this is fiction. Of course in the real world the Bears would have kicked the crap out of the Vikings!! :))
Thanks for the great review. I think I will carry this forward. Some great feedback. mikey
Comment from Realist101
A really excellent write Michael! I am just sorry I cannot stand sports. Especially fooseball! :D...My deepest apologies again. However, I like that you emphasized the announcer so we can 'read' the boisterousness of how they carry on! And realistic dialogue as always. Suse
reply by the author on 14-Nov-2015
|
A really excellent write Michael! I am just sorry I cannot stand sports. Especially fooseball! :D...My deepest apologies again. However, I like that you emphasized the announcer so we can 'read' the boisterousness of how they carry on! And realistic dialogue as always. Suse
Comment Written 13-Nov-2015
reply by the author on 14-Nov-2015
-
That's cool. You have keyed in on the aspects I was going for though. Yep, it gets silly and out of hand. Not that I'd live and breathe by what my beloved Lakers do on the basketball court. I'm not the least bit affected that they got BEAT BY 24 POINTS BY SACREMENTO!!! It's just a game. :)) mikey
Comment from humpwhistle
Mikey, I applaud your enthusiasm. But I can't help feeling you've let technique overcome your skill this time. So much passive voice. So much 'telling' when you have the opportunity to 'show'.
I made a few notes.
Peace, Lee
Defensive lineman Haverstrand --no need for the cap D.
There was little awareness of his plight.--Mikey, try to avoid 'was' and 'were'. They make writing too easy. "Few recognized his plight.'
His wife and two young daughters were helplessly lost in the throng that stormed the field.
--again, avoid 'were'.
'His wife and two young daughters jostled among the throng storming the filed.'
The elipses get tiring. I Know you're trying to recreate a broadcast, but I think you're turning it into a caricature.
He was unconscious and his vitals were unstable.--was and were in the same sentence. Pure 'telling'.
reply by the author on 13-Nov-2015
|
Mikey, I applaud your enthusiasm. But I can't help feeling you've let technique overcome your skill this time. So much passive voice. So much 'telling' when you have the opportunity to 'show'.
I made a few notes.
Peace, Lee
Defensive lineman Haverstrand --no need for the cap D.
There was little awareness of his plight.--Mikey, try to avoid 'was' and 'were'. They make writing too easy. "Few recognized his plight.'
His wife and two young daughters were helplessly lost in the throng that stormed the field.
--again, avoid 'were'.
'His wife and two young daughters jostled among the throng storming the filed.'
The elipses get tiring. I Know you're trying to recreate a broadcast, but I think you're turning it into a caricature.
He was unconscious and his vitals were unstable.--was and were in the same sentence. Pure 'telling'.
Comment Written 13-Nov-2015
reply by the author on 13-Nov-2015
-
I appreciate the examples. Somehow seeing it makes a huge difference for me. I know the elipses were overdone. I just have to figure out how NOT to do that. I do it a lot. Thanks for the help as always. mikey
-
Mikey, I know I come across as a geek. But I do want to help. My best advice? You're not going to like it. More time writing and editing. Less time socializing.
Okay, you owe me a punch. Make it a good one.
L
-
I'm a pacifist. Hahaha. What can I say, it's good advice. Dammit!
-
I'm a pacifist, too. Carded 1A-0 in 1969.
But I have a talent for tempting people to punch me in the nose. I'm a smart-ass, but I mean well. L
Comment from Sefiros
I do like the bold face of the announcers' narration. I do think the graphics of the reproductive anatomy crude and does not serve a purpose. I was also surprised at the hostility towards Havensworth. I mean, critical injury is part of the football job. Every player on the field runs the risk of hitting the other team just a little too hard.
I would also specify there's a time jump between the time of the injury and the time the coach is pulling his strings. Otherwise good job.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 13-Nov-2015
 |
I do like the bold face of the announcers' narration. I do think the graphics of the reproductive anatomy crude and does not serve a purpose. I was also surprised at the hostility towards Havensworth. I mean, critical injury is part of the football job. Every player on the field runs the risk of hitting the other team just a little too hard.
I would also specify there's a time jump between the time of the injury and the time the coach is pulling his strings. Otherwise good job.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 13-Nov-2015
reply by the author on 13-Nov-2015
-
The hostility is pure sports and a certainty with rival teams. As far as the other team is concerned Havensworth took out their star player on purpose. That's the emotion of the game especially right after the event. Cooler heads might prevail days later and usually do, but not here right after the biggest game of the year and such a devastating career and life threatening injury. Not sure what you're referring to about the time jump. The art work I felt was appropriate showing the extent of the devastating injury and the difficulty of recovery, but point taken. Thanks for a thoughtful review. mikey
Comment from BOO ghost
Interesting story, I remember Joe Theisman. an announcer too, ending his career with a broken leg. This is a twist from normal prose I read each day, kind of exciting to read.... yep, takes imagination to write a script like this, Boo nevr tried one of these huckle berries. Yep, kind of catchy with a grip, was pleasing to read... i avoid anything boring, no matter how perfect the SPAG is, he -- he. Damn, this is a killer story, I like the diagram at top, kind of depicts the broken leg. I can give you six ribs for this one, cracked ones! Mean Joe Greene cracked some ribs again! BOO.
reply by the author on 14-Nov-2015
 |
Interesting story, I remember Joe Theisman. an announcer too, ending his career with a broken leg. This is a twist from normal prose I read each day, kind of exciting to read.... yep, takes imagination to write a script like this, Boo nevr tried one of these huckle berries. Yep, kind of catchy with a grip, was pleasing to read... i avoid anything boring, no matter how perfect the SPAG is, he -- he. Damn, this is a killer story, I like the diagram at top, kind of depicts the broken leg. I can give you six ribs for this one, cracked ones! Mean Joe Greene cracked some ribs again! BOO.
Comment Written 13-Nov-2015
reply by the author on 14-Nov-2015
-
Wow. I wasn't sure how this would fly. It isn't my normal area. I liked writing this though. Way cool that you liked it. I was hoping real sports lovers like myself would get into it. Yeah, Mean Joe was a monster! They used to play FOOTBALL back then. "In the grasp", hahaha. Sounds like a waltz! mikey
-
Yep, they did not have all of them rules back then, you could get away with a lethal hit, haha, yep, be starting on that war theme real soon. This will be killer fun, i got a million ideas swimming in my head, yep, the boys need a good prompt to exercise their skills too. Yep, i always forget about the women x factor that votes, I get my ship sunk real fast by them lady frigates. They rule this site, haha, but I doubt that they enter a war theme or, they may not even vote for them, so, maybe I got a China-man chance with about 6 fans, lol!
Comment from GracieAnn
Mikey,
Where do I start? This story sounds so real. The details, the switching from the game to the narration is well crafted. The suspense was at the level that the Dallas Cowboys felt when the famed "Hail Mary" was flung from Roger's hands. I'm so glad you posted this. Do continue on. A story with impossible odds nipping at the heels of a stubborn player is the stuff of which magic is made. We all love underdogs. "Write" on, my friend. :0 GracieAnn
reply by the author on 14-Nov-2015
|
Mikey,
Where do I start? This story sounds so real. The details, the switching from the game to the narration is well crafted. The suspense was at the level that the Dallas Cowboys felt when the famed "Hail Mary" was flung from Roger's hands. I'm so glad you posted this. Do continue on. A story with impossible odds nipping at the heels of a stubborn player is the stuff of which magic is made. We all love underdogs. "Write" on, my friend. :0 GracieAnn
Comment Written 12-Nov-2015
reply by the author on 14-Nov-2015
-
Wow. I'm so pleased that all my wrinkles are showing!! This was so much fun to write. I came up with the contest to force myself to write something outside of my comfort zone and others too. I'm delighted you enjoyed it. I can see we're on the same page with underdogs and magic. Yep, that's where I'll be heading! Thank you so much. mikey
Comment from ellie6
This can go either way. Like most good stories it has a hint of 'what comes next'. Will he make it to the top again, or will the phrase 'never go back' gain credibility? i await the outcome.
reply by the author on 12-Nov-2015
|
This can go either way. Like most good stories it has a hint of 'what comes next'. Will he make it to the top again, or will the phrase 'never go back' gain credibility? i await the outcome.
Comment Written 12-Nov-2015
reply by the author on 12-Nov-2015
-
Thanks for the great encouragement. I can't decide which direction to take this. I'm such a lover of underdogs. Ha! I bet he overcomes all odds. :)) mikey
Comment from giraffmang
Hi Mikey,
Man, this was good. I really got caught up in it. I would certainly read more of it. I think you captured the feel of the play commentary exceptionally well which set a good tone for what was to follow.
The Vikings have won the Super Bowl! - is there a change of speaker after this. If so then closing speech marks are needed.
Minnesota Autumns - should Autumns be capitalised?
G
reply by the author on 12-Nov-2015
|
Hi Mikey,
Man, this was good. I really got caught up in it. I would certainly read more of it. I think you captured the feel of the play commentary exceptionally well which set a good tone for what was to follow.
The Vikings have won the Super Bowl! - is there a change of speaker after this. If so then closing speech marks are needed.
Minnesota Autumns - should Autumns be capitalised?
G
Comment Written 12-Nov-2015
reply by the author on 12-Nov-2015
-
Good to see you. Out of the box for me which was the purpose. :)
Glad to hear I was successful.
I'll check that, no, not a change though that might be a good idea in that section. Hmmmm...
Autumn is in caps as a kind of old school rule. Not set in stone anymore. I sense my Grandma looking down on me so I always do!! You're writing some great stuff of late. I'll try and get some time to review and not just read. mikey
Comment from justafan
YES, I want to see more!! I love football, so this story is very interesting to me. Doesn't hurt that I am a believer in the impossible either! I am delighted by how you did the play by play. Pulled me right in :)
Always,
Missy
reply by the author on 12-Nov-2015
|
YES, I want to see more!! I love football, so this story is very interesting to me. Doesn't hurt that I am a believer in the impossible either! I am delighted by how you did the play by play. Pulled me right in :)
Always,
Missy
Comment Written 12-Nov-2015
reply by the author on 12-Nov-2015
-
Amen to the impossible. I know I'll end up going that way regardless of what I tell myself or plan out. Hahaha! So great to hear that a real fan was pulled in. YAY! Never tried anything like this before. Thank you sooooo much. It's rainin' gold! mikey
Comment from Michaelk
I like the name of the player who did a perfect crop body check to free the running back. (You know, of course that my last name is Kelso, right?)
This story was very exciting, for the tension of the jet laying dying in the endzone while everyone around him celebrates. That would be maddening, to be bleeding to death in the middle of a celebration. Talk about 'The thrill of victory, the agony of defeat'.
I liked your story because it seemed very plausible. I could envision players from both teams going to the hospital. I could also see them getting into a brawl there.
But most of all I could see a determined player, sacrificing his family on the altar of football.
Yes, I think you should keep going. And focus on the damage that his awesome comeback does to his family.
reply by the author on 12-Nov-2015
|
I like the name of the player who did a perfect crop body check to free the running back. (You know, of course that my last name is Kelso, right?)
This story was very exciting, for the tension of the jet laying dying in the endzone while everyone around him celebrates. That would be maddening, to be bleeding to death in the middle of a celebration. Talk about 'The thrill of victory, the agony of defeat'.
I liked your story because it seemed very plausible. I could envision players from both teams going to the hospital. I could also see them getting into a brawl there.
But most of all I could see a determined player, sacrificing his family on the altar of football.
Yes, I think you should keep going. And focus on the damage that his awesome comeback does to his family.
Comment Written 12-Nov-2015
reply by the author on 12-Nov-2015
-
Yeah. I like to throw in real names here and there just to see if anyone notices. :))
That's the kind of input I was looking for. I think that's the story. His obsession with his comeback and what that costs. And then how he gets it back. Hahaha. I'm a happy ending guy, I can't leave him as a loser. Thanks for the great input. mikey
