Avalon Abbey
Contest entry: 1,692 words.24 total reviews
Comment from Laurie's Legacy
What an amazing, well-written, but very sad story. It certainly kept my attention throughout the whole thing and at first, I thought it was the young woman's imagination, but apparently, it was not. The story certainly made it evident that there were some evil within those walls and it is probably quite smart of the villagers to avoid the Abbey at all costs. Another great job, well deserving of the awards and recognition.
reply by the author on 12-Nov-2014
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What an amazing, well-written, but very sad story. It certainly kept my attention throughout the whole thing and at first, I thought it was the young woman's imagination, but apparently, it was not. The story certainly made it evident that there were some evil within those walls and it is probably quite smart of the villagers to avoid the Abbey at all costs. Another great job, well deserving of the awards and recognition.
Comment Written 11-Nov-2014
reply by the author on 12-Nov-2014
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Again, I thank you most sincerely for such generous and elevating encouragement and support. It is greatly appreciated.
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You are very welcome!
Comment from c_lucas
Man don't seek answers from within, but without. This is very well written with a smooth flow of words, making for a very interesting read. Congrats on your win.
reply by the author on 06-Nov-2014
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Man don't seek answers from within, but without. This is very well written with a smooth flow of words, making for a very interesting read. Congrats on your win.
Comment Written 05-Nov-2014
reply by the author on 06-Nov-2014
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Thank you so much! It means much to me that you took the time to read one of my stories and even more that you felt it a decent site contribution. I am truly grateful for your kind encouragement and support.
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You're welcome, MA. Charlie
Comment from snemes
The mood of doom and gloom is exactly what I associate with a Gothic story. You've kept it consistent throughout this piece. It's the final paragraph, though, that gives it such an eerie power. The nightmare doesn't end, and that's really the crux of the Gothic atmosphere. The story is well-written with haunting descriptions that make it perfect for this contest.
reply by the author on 07-Nov-2014
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The mood of doom and gloom is exactly what I associate with a Gothic story. You've kept it consistent throughout this piece. It's the final paragraph, though, that gives it such an eerie power. The nightmare doesn't end, and that's really the crux of the Gothic atmosphere. The story is well-written with haunting descriptions that make it perfect for this contest.
Comment Written 02-Nov-2014
reply by the author on 07-Nov-2014
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Again, I thank you most deeply and sincerely for the wonderfully encouraging feedback.
Comment from PatVallesMangan
This is an extremely well written thriller and should be a fierce contender in the Gothic Contest. The descriptions are extremely well done. Avalon Abbey turns out to be the story of a residual haunting. That was a very clever ending. This truly deserves the 6 stars! Blessings! Pat
reply by the author on 02-Nov-2014
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This is an extremely well written thriller and should be a fierce contender in the Gothic Contest. The descriptions are extremely well done. Avalon Abbey turns out to be the story of a residual haunting. That was a very clever ending. This truly deserves the 6 stars! Blessings! Pat
Comment Written 02-Nov-2014
reply by the author on 02-Nov-2014
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Again, I thank you most deeply and sincerely for such wonderfully uplifting encouragement and support.
Comment from mjac777
This was an amazing write, Mystic Angel. You capture the mood and intent of the contest brilliantly.
Your descriptions of the Abbey were precise and well defined.
I love the quote of Guy de Maupassant - it fit this piece perfectly.
No one else was even close, as far as I'm concerned - and so you have my best wishes for the contest as well as my vote!
Very well done.
reply by the author on 02-Nov-2014
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This was an amazing write, Mystic Angel. You capture the mood and intent of the contest brilliantly.
Your descriptions of the Abbey were precise and well defined.
I love the quote of Guy de Maupassant - it fit this piece perfectly.
No one else was even close, as far as I'm concerned - and so you have my best wishes for the contest as well as my vote!
Very well done.
Comment Written 02-Nov-2014
reply by the author on 02-Nov-2014
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Again, I thank you most deeply and sincerely for such wonderfully uplifting encouragement and support.
Comment from jpduck
I enjoyed much in this chilling story, but there remained a feeling that it did not quite work. It is very hard to pin this down, but I will try:
I think it is simply that, every now and then, there are things that don't quite add up. One example is 'abbey's hidden passages'. This immediately struck me as a great idea, and since you had used 'passages' in the plural I was looking forward to a detailed exploration of an abbey within the abbey. But Celine uses it just the once to take her to 'the only place he chose to inhabit since his illness'. This seemed very odd. Then there was the occasion when Preston set fire to the ballroom, driving the guests out. You write, 'If it had not been for the townspeople, the entire abbey might have been destroyed'. Hard to see how the townspeople could have achieved this without access, presumably, even to water. Later, 'she raced to the oculus that would lead to the crypts.' An oculus is a round window - an improbable means of access to the crypt. You describe Preston 'locking the door to prevent interruption' when there was no-one else left in the abbey.
Such things as these would, perhaps, be perfectly acceptable in a fantasy, but this was a gothic tragedy, not a fantasy. They added up, for me at any rate, to a background irritant.
The use of the phrase 'the ...... o'clock hour was effective and appropriate to the genre, but I think to use it three times was a mistake.
One SPAG: 'thus insuring she would have no opportunity to shame him further.' ('insuring' should be 'ensuring'. Insuring is only used in the context of insurance policies.)
I do hope you don't feel I have been over-severe, but if, in a review, I give four stars or fewer, I think it is important to justify it.
Finally, I want to say that I loved your sentence 'What had festered within had slowly made its way to the surface, eroding all that had once been innocent perfection into the mass of human rubble which now stared back at her.' - Beatifully phrased.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 01-Nov-2014
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I enjoyed much in this chilling story, but there remained a feeling that it did not quite work. It is very hard to pin this down, but I will try:
I think it is simply that, every now and then, there are things that don't quite add up. One example is 'abbey's hidden passages'. This immediately struck me as a great idea, and since you had used 'passages' in the plural I was looking forward to a detailed exploration of an abbey within the abbey. But Celine uses it just the once to take her to 'the only place he chose to inhabit since his illness'. This seemed very odd. Then there was the occasion when Preston set fire to the ballroom, driving the guests out. You write, 'If it had not been for the townspeople, the entire abbey might have been destroyed'. Hard to see how the townspeople could have achieved this without access, presumably, even to water. Later, 'she raced to the oculus that would lead to the crypts.' An oculus is a round window - an improbable means of access to the crypt. You describe Preston 'locking the door to prevent interruption' when there was no-one else left in the abbey.
Such things as these would, perhaps, be perfectly acceptable in a fantasy, but this was a gothic tragedy, not a fantasy. They added up, for me at any rate, to a background irritant.
The use of the phrase 'the ...... o'clock hour was effective and appropriate to the genre, but I think to use it three times was a mistake.
One SPAG: 'thus insuring she would have no opportunity to shame him further.' ('insuring' should be 'ensuring'. Insuring is only used in the context of insurance policies.)
I do hope you don't feel I have been over-severe, but if, in a review, I give four stars or fewer, I think it is important to justify it.
Finally, I want to say that I loved your sentence 'What had festered within had slowly made its way to the surface, eroding all that had once been innocent perfection into the mass of human rubble which now stared back at her.' - Beatifully phrased.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 01-Nov-2014
reply by the author on 01-Nov-2014
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Thank you for your time. I would only note that not everything adds up in a Poe or Bronte story either as they are not meant to be concrete.
Comment from Eric1
Wow Monica, wat a wonderfully written ghost story, this is surely one of the best stories I have read on here in an age, it is perfect in plot, story line, characterisation and every other way I can think of, and I love twists at the end, you, my friend are a brilliant writer of horror. It is more than worth a six but alas I am out.
reply by the author on 01-Nov-2014
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Wow Monica, wat a wonderfully written ghost story, this is surely one of the best stories I have read on here in an age, it is perfect in plot, story line, characterisation and every other way I can think of, and I love twists at the end, you, my friend are a brilliant writer of horror. It is more than worth a six but alas I am out.
Comment Written 01-Nov-2014
reply by the author on 01-Nov-2014
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Thank you so much, Eric! I am thrilled you enjoy this especially since horror is not exactly my cup of tea. Your wonderful words of encouragement inspire me to keep pushing myself to try new things.
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You are very welcome Monica,I really did enjoy this wonderful story.
Comment from michaelcahill
This is beautifully written. I have no idea what in the world I'm going to do in this prompt. Mercy. I'm stunned by the quality of this and the originality of your story. I think the writing is flawless. I'm so used to your excellent poetry, I don't think I've read a story from you before. PLEASE write some more. Great entries by all. Best of luck. This will be an epic war I think. mikey
reply by the author on 01-Nov-2014
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This is beautifully written. I have no idea what in the world I'm going to do in this prompt. Mercy. I'm stunned by the quality of this and the originality of your story. I think the writing is flawless. I'm so used to your excellent poetry, I don't think I've read a story from you before. PLEASE write some more. Great entries by all. Best of luck. This will be an epic war I think. mikey
Comment Written 01-Nov-2014
reply by the author on 01-Nov-2014
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Thank you so much, Mikey! I am very appreciative of the kind and encouraging feedback especially since this is not exactly my thing. I doubt I will win, but am proud of myself for having had the courage to enter it so no matter what happens, I feel a winner for having simply met the challenge with a smile.
Comment from rod007
An excellent eerie ghostly tale. I am glad I am not anywhere near this abbey and will certainly not venture there when the sun sets. Thinking about the blood and gore left after he blew his ear off may affect my breakfast tomorrow morning. Well done.
reply by the author on 31-Oct-2014
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An excellent eerie ghostly tale. I am glad I am not anywhere near this abbey and will certainly not venture there when the sun sets. Thinking about the blood and gore left after he blew his ear off may affect my breakfast tomorrow morning. Well done.
Comment Written 30-Oct-2014
reply by the author on 31-Oct-2014
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Thank you so much, Rod! It is simply a residual haunting so the blood and gore vanished long ago. I am happy you enjoyed this and very grateful for the kind words of encouragement.
Comment from wiljacro
HI! Well! This really does meet the requirements of the contest in SPADES! A very impressive and intriguing read with a very unexpected twist for an ending. Good Luck with this entry. wiljacro.
reply by the author on 31-Oct-2014
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HI! Well! This really does meet the requirements of the contest in SPADES! A very impressive and intriguing read with a very unexpected twist for an ending. Good Luck with this entry. wiljacro.
Comment Written 30-Oct-2014
reply by the author on 31-Oct-2014
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Again, I thank you with all my heart for such encouraging inspiration to keep writing from the core of my soul.
