Comment from w.j.debi

Excellent

A besutifiul mixture of sadness and joy. Sadness for the passing of the loved one who will be dearly missed, and joy for the tender memories that cannot be forgotten.
Solid rhyming and meter. Good luck in the contest.

 Comment Written 27-Sep-2014

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reply by the author on 30-Sep-2014

Thanks for the kind words.

Steve

reply by the author on 30-Sep-2014

Thanks for the kind words.

Steve

Comment from Ridley Williams

Excellent

Hi Steve,
Loved this touching write. I appreciated the strong imagery you built throughout the poem. Solid abab rhyme scheme, with a masterful delivery. I especially liked the first couplet of the second quatrain...it'ts a beautiful vision of the country-side.
Best wishes, for your entry, Bill

 Comment Written 26-Sep-2014

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reply by the author on 30-Sep-2014

Thanks, Bill.

I was actually picturing the little country graveyard where my Mum and Dad are buried - it looks over a huge sweep of a valley which is often filled with mist.

Steve

reply by the author on 30-Sep-2014

Thanks, Bill.

I was actually picturing the little country graveyard where my Mum and Dad are buried - it looks over a huge sweep of a valley which is often filled with mist.

Steve

Comment from Jumbo J

Excellent

Hi Steve,
man, I loved this poem... your meter and intent found the mark as did the 'Brand' and the imagery you injected with feeling and heart, is outstanding... especially fell for certain stanza's, but non more than your third...

Do you remember how, on such a morn,
we marvelled at the view and, holding hands
as lovers do, we watched the world reborn?
The sun ignite the pines to burning brands?

Yes, that reflection of a memory glued all this together perfectly.


All the very best in this ABAB Poetry Contest... a very enjoyable read and a beautiful mark left on the page by glowing pines!

With our thoughts we create,
indelible memories,
James.

******Stars!!!!!!

 Comment Written 26-Sep-2014

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reply by the author on 26-Sep-2014

Thanks, James, for the enthusiastic review and the thoughtful comments.

On a more mundane note, Rabbits or Roosters tonight?

Steve

reply by Jumbo J on 26-Sep-2014

Heart says Rabbits, but Roosters have that winning feel... but either way, I hope it's a great game... one that the refs don't stuff around with... let the forwards do honorable battle... but come on you Rabbies! Smile))))).

Comment from royowen

Excellent

A beautifully written and crafted poem, it tells of love's progress, and a little like " Danny boy" it sweeps through a wistful recollection of love' best memories! Sublime scribing and fine use of language, it's the type of poem that is easy to read and recite, no difficulty with scanning, it flows beautifully, well done, loved it, blessings,mRoy.

 Comment Written 26-Sep-2014

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reply by the author on 26-Sep-2014

Thanks, Roy - glad you enjoyed.

Steve

Comment from MissMerri

Excellent

So romantic, so sad, so beautifully written! I only had one tiny problem... these two lines:
as lovers do, we watched the world reborn?
The sun ignite the pines to burning brands?

It seemed to me, the entire stanza should be one complete sentence, instead of leaving an incomplete one as the last line. What would be wrong with saying .. world reborn and sun ignite the pines to burning brands? Or something similar? I loved the images you created here... strong and powerful and enduring images that add to the mood of nostalgia for a time that is gone. This is truly a beautiful poem.

 Comment Written 25-Sep-2014

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reply by the author on 26-Sep-2014

Adonna, thanks so much for the excellent review.

You are just the second reviewer to find fault with those lines, although I see another lurking just below.

How I intended the lines to read was as a double barrelled question:
Do you remember how we watched the world reborn? (Do you remember how we watched) the sun ignite the pines?
with the bracketed part to be elided....

I have gone back to look at it again and I decided not to change it. Too late now anyway.

Whether others got my intended sentence structure or, perhaps more likely, just didn't bother to comment, I'm not sure, but thank you anyway for querying it and forcing me to re-think.

Steve

Comment from Father Flaps

Excellent

Alas, Steve, I am sixless.
Perfect ABAB rhymes for this contest.
I have always enjoyed loitering in a graveyard, especially old markers. I found one such stone in the Loyalist Burial Ground in Saint John one morning. It read: "Here lie the bodies of Mrs Freelove and her only child Charles, who were the wife and son of Capt Thomas Elms, and were unfortunately drowned together on the 8th day of September 1787, the mother in the 40th and the son in the 9th year of their age." So many stories if we only knew.
Very nice alliteration in your lines,
"So soft the shades of night in silence spill"
and,
"that swathes the silver stream"
and,
"we watched the world"
and,
"sleep in sorrow's shroud"
Great imagery in these lines,
"So soft the shades of night in silence spill
across the dewy lawns in well-trimmed lines."
and here,
"no breath of wind disturbs the brooding pines"
and here,
"the valley sleeps in misty gown" ...for personification as well.
and here,
"golden light that surges from the cloud"...though, I wanted to read the plural, clouds.

I'm wondering about this line,
"The sun (ignite) the pines to burning brands?"
Can I make a second suggestion?
(when sun ignited pines to burning brands?)

Very nicely penned, my friend!
Thanks for sharing.
cheers
Kimbob

 Comment Written 25-Sep-2014

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reply by the author on 26-Sep-2014

Kimbob, thanks so much for the excellent review.

You are just the third reviewer to find fault with the 'ignite' line. This is how I explained it in the previous reply:

How I intended the lines to read was as a double barrelled question:
Do you remember how we watched the world reborn? (Do you remember how we watched) the sun ignite the pines?
with the bracketed part to be elided....

I have gone back to look at it again and I decided not to change it. Too late now anyway.

Whether others got my intended sentence structure or, perhaps more likely, just didn't bother to comment, I'm not sure, but thank you anyway for querying it and forcing me to re-think.

Steve

Comment from Dawny53

Excellent

Excellent poem! A competitive entry to be sure. The first 2 stanzas leave no clue to the second, and the ending comes as a bit of a surprise. Well written, good luck to you though you really don't need it!

 Comment Written 25-Sep-2014

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reply by the author on 26-Sep-2014

Thanks, Dawny - glad you enjoyed.

Steve

Comment from ann marie mazz

Exceptional

hello steve

oh my goodness
I bow to your poetic talent

you have delivered in my opinion the total package

theme tone voice language format rhyme
and yes the emotive factor

all are very much present and alive in this entry
I love the quiet tone and voice

thank you for sharing your poetic talent
this was an honor to read

good luck with the contest
ann marie


this entry is very much poetry in the truest fashion

 Comment Written 25-Sep-2014

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reply by the author on 26-Sep-2014

Ann Marie, thanks so much for the wonderful review and of course the six stars.

I was pretty pleased with this one, but the competition is stiff and I believe I have seen at least one other entry that can outpoint mine. Fingers crossed the committee thinks as you do!

Steve

Comment from DALLAS01

Excellent

You have captured the ethereal beauty and serenity found in a well groomed cemetery. The contrast of such beauty being shared by two, and then, the new turned earth reflecting the loss, is delicately transitioned.

 Comment Written 25-Sep-2014

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reply by the author on 26-Sep-2014

Thanks for the kind words.

Steve

Comment from Neonewman

Excellent

You definitely brought the scene to life for me with this well-crafted piece. I enjoyed the read twice and commend you on your writing skills. Thank you for sharing and God Bless!

 Comment Written 25-Sep-2014

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reply by the author on 26-Sep-2014

Thanks for the kind words.

Steve