Silence
Naani90 total reviews
Comment from pipersfancy
Hi Steven, take for what it's worth.
Just to consider:
The man sits silent (5 syll)
and alone on faded park bench (8 syll)
smiling a desperate plea (7 syll)
at all who pass by (5 syll)
total syll =25 (no change from original)
Reorganizing a bit would allow cutting of one article (a faded bench) and one pronoun (the man who sits) substituting more meaningful words. IMHO, esp. with the shorter pieces, pronouns and articles need to be used only when necessary, otherwise they start to feel like fillers in the syllable count.
PF
I love this image: both as it is painted through your words, and as it is reflected in the accompanying photo art. I have a couple of tiny suggestions in the wording, but only if you are interested.
PF
reply by the author on 22-Sep-2014
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Hi Steven, take for what it's worth.
Just to consider:
The man sits silent (5 syll)
and alone on faded park bench (8 syll)
smiling a desperate plea (7 syll)
at all who pass by (5 syll)
total syll =25 (no change from original)
Reorganizing a bit would allow cutting of one article (a faded bench) and one pronoun (the man who sits) substituting more meaningful words. IMHO, esp. with the shorter pieces, pronouns and articles need to be used only when necessary, otherwise they start to feel like fillers in the syllable count.
PF
I love this image: both as it is painted through your words, and as it is reflected in the accompanying photo art. I have a couple of tiny suggestions in the wording, but only if you are interested.
PF
Comment Written 22-Sep-2014
reply by the author on 22-Sep-2014
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Thanks, PF - yes, let me have them - I'm open to anything...
Steve
Comment from lancellot
Very interesting. What is the silent man's desperate plea. Is it for help, is for us to acknowledge each other, or is it something deeper than that. This is full of mystery. Well done.
reply by the author on 22-Sep-2014
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Very interesting. What is the silent man's desperate plea. Is it for help, is for us to acknowledge each other, or is it something deeper than that. This is full of mystery. Well done.
Comment Written 21-Sep-2014
reply by the author on 22-Sep-2014
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Thank you - yes, I deliberately left his situation very open.
Steve
Comment from jackpeg
Hi, Kiwi. Been off for quite a while, but found your latest posting waiting for me. Thanks for running it by me. Short and pithy. The only thing, the "silent man" looks more like a woman. Is it you, per chance? You could do a lot more with that photo. Makes one wonder what you (or he) looks like.
reply by the author on 22-Sep-2014
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Hi, Kiwi. Been off for quite a while, but found your latest posting waiting for me. Thanks for running it by me. Short and pithy. The only thing, the "silent man" looks more like a woman. Is it you, per chance? You could do a lot more with that photo. Makes one wonder what you (or he) looks like.
Comment Written 21-Sep-2014
reply by the author on 22-Sep-2014
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Yes, haven't seen you around in ages - hope all is well.
You will have discovered that nothing much has changed at FS. A few familiar faces have shuffled off and others have risen to tak their place. perhaps a few more loonies than previously - a reflection of the state of the world??
No, it's not me and you're the only one to suggest it's a woman - time to get your eyes tested? Actually I am regretting putting the damn picture on - for many reviewers it has attracted more comment than the poem!
Good to have you back.
Steve
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Boy! Did I goof. kiwisteve a woman! Never once met a woman named Steve. My sincerest apologies. I think you're right about the photo--shoulda left it out. I never use them anyway. Actually, I don't know how.
Comment from Gladness
Makes me wonder about the rest of the story; why is he alone? What is he desperate about? Desperate to have a friend maybe?
The poem flows well and leaves the reader contemplating.
Thanks,
Anita
reply by the author on 22-Sep-2014
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Makes me wonder about the rest of the story; why is he alone? What is he desperate about? Desperate to have a friend maybe?
The poem flows well and leaves the reader contemplating.
Thanks,
Anita
Comment Written 21-Sep-2014
reply by the author on 22-Sep-2014
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Thanks, Anita - that's all I was aiming to do.
Steve
Comment from Just2Write
Wow, Steve - This is very poignant. It makes the reader want to look more deeply into the soul of the person sitting on the bench. That's what good poetry does. A very satisfying read.
Rose.
reply by the author on 22-Sep-2014
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Wow, Steve - This is very poignant. It makes the reader want to look more deeply into the soul of the person sitting on the bench. That's what good poetry does. A very satisfying read.
Rose.
Comment Written 21-Sep-2014
reply by the author on 22-Sep-2014
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Thanks, Rose - I am happy that it resonated with you.
Steve
Comment from INtity
This leaves so much to the imagination. The man's cry for attention or the man's need for escape or the strange thoughts that linger can only be imagined here. This is really a good piece here!
reply by the author on 25-Sep-2014
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This leaves so much to the imagination. The man's cry for attention or the man's need for escape or the strange thoughts that linger can only be imagined here. This is really a good piece here!
Comment Written 21-Sep-2014
reply by the author on 25-Sep-2014
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Thanks for reviewing.
Steve
Comment from chasennov
Naani "Silence" This is a very thought-provoking poem you have created here. What would that man be thinking about? I'm always interested in what others think about. Well done.
reply by the author on 25-Sep-2014
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Naani "Silence" This is a very thought-provoking poem you have created here. What would that man be thinking about? I'm always interested in what others think about. Well done.
Comment Written 21-Sep-2014
reply by the author on 25-Sep-2014
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Thanks for reviewing.
Steve
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You're welcome, Steve.
Comment from barkingdog
Lonliness and silence go hand in hand.
We often see the elderly or a disabled person on their own.
We should smile back. We may be their only contact outside their isolation for that day.
Excellent observation, Steve.
reply by the author on 21-Sep-2014
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Lonliness and silence go hand in hand.
We often see the elderly or a disabled person on their own.
We should smile back. We may be their only contact outside their isolation for that day.
Excellent observation, Steve.
Comment Written 20-Sep-2014
reply by the author on 21-Sep-2014
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BD, thanks so much for the thoughtful review and the six stars.
Steve
Comment from the blue pixel
I neither know the rules applicable to the Naani nor do I particularly care Steve when I read your beautiful words. They are made more so by the fact that I know I have witnessed a similar sad scene or two, in my travels. Perhaps I have even sent this same message out to passers by myself when feeling alone. "Smiles a desperate plea" is immaculate use of the English language if I may use such a clumsy expression. The indifference of many people to the painful loneliness of others as well as the isolation of your hero longing for some human acknowledgement is keenly felt in your work. Best of luck to you in the contest. I loved it. xx Carol
reply by the author on 21-Sep-2014
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I neither know the rules applicable to the Naani nor do I particularly care Steve when I read your beautiful words. They are made more so by the fact that I know I have witnessed a similar sad scene or two, in my travels. Perhaps I have even sent this same message out to passers by myself when feeling alone. "Smiles a desperate plea" is immaculate use of the English language if I may use such a clumsy expression. The indifference of many people to the painful loneliness of others as well as the isolation of your hero longing for some human acknowledgement is keenly felt in your work. Best of luck to you in the contest. I loved it. xx Carol
Comment Written 20-Sep-2014
reply by the author on 21-Sep-2014
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Carol, thanks a lot for the review and the six stars.
Yes, we have all seen this person and many of us have been this person, which is why the poem strikes a chord with many.
Steve
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Well said Steve. I think that is one of the secrets of good writing - relatability if there is such a word. I will look in on what you are up to when next I log onto FanStory. xx Carol
Comment from Neonewman
Excellent, five stars on this awesome piece you have entered. Good luck in the competition. Thank you for posting and God Bless.
reply by the author on 21-Sep-2014
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Excellent, five stars on this awesome piece you have entered. Good luck in the competition. Thank you for posting and God Bless.
Comment Written 20-Sep-2014
reply by the author on 21-Sep-2014
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Thank you!
Steve
