Vision and Sound: Their Stories
Viewing comments for Chapter 5 "Born Enemies: Part Two"Two souls that meet as strangers on earth.
18 total reviews
Comment from Darkhorse555
really very beautifully penned write really enjoyed reading pal sorry i am away behind reviewing my heads in a strange place at the moment pal so bare with me
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really very beautifully penned write really enjoyed reading pal sorry i am away behind reviewing my heads in a strange place at the moment pal so bare with me
Comment Written 12-Sep-2014
Comment from Nosha17
This was a very good chapter, the story line is intriguing, now that we know they had been linked before and the reason they are so drawn to each other. Characters are so well described, as is the historical setting. Most enjoyable Faye
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This was a very good chapter, the story line is intriguing, now that we know they had been linked before and the reason they are so drawn to each other. Characters are so well described, as is the historical setting. Most enjoyable Faye
Comment Written 12-Sep-2014
Comment from amanda98653
Giant hairy elephants... ridicuous notions -- nice allusion to their past lives.
Suggestions:
1. "They parted ways with each (other, )unable to get the other out of their minds."
2. "But, her life was devastated by circumstance"
Drop the comma
3. "The soul him within recognized the soul within her"
The soul within him recognized the soul within her
4. Why, ha!, you have no hand in any of it
Drop the comma
Hugs
Amanda
reply by the author on 12-Sep-2014
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Giant hairy elephants... ridicuous notions -- nice allusion to their past lives.
Suggestions:
1. "They parted ways with each (other, )unable to get the other out of their minds."
2. "But, her life was devastated by circumstance"
Drop the comma
3. "The soul him within recognized the soul within her"
The soul within him recognized the soul within her
4. Why, ha!, you have no hand in any of it
Drop the comma
Hugs
Amanda
Comment Written 12-Sep-2014
reply by the author on 12-Sep-2014
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Good tips. I see you paid attention in school. I was busy doing cartwheels to impress the ladies! I'm so pleased that the allusion to past lives came through. Yea. This is starting to get more comfortable to write. Of course, it is going in a different direction than the original. I do better when I'm clueless!! mikey
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You could also add in some foreshadowing.
E.g. Tibertin eating roast pork while thinking about the sad lives of cute piggies. He dies and comes back as a cute piggie.
Heehee
:)
Comment from Sankey
Seeing the old Mikey coming through now mate. Albeit in a different stream or direction, of course. Showing a multitude opf writing skill and in no way can we stereotype you. Starting to get better for reading mate. One small reverse needed as follows. ...The soul (*)him (*within) recognized the soul within her. That was enough to alter everything.
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Seeing the old Mikey coming through now mate. Albeit in a different stream or direction, of course. Showing a multitude opf writing skill and in no way can we stereotype you. Starting to get better for reading mate. One small reverse needed as follows. ...The soul (*)him (*within) recognized the soul within her. That was enough to alter everything.
Comment Written 11-Sep-2014
Comment from ravenblack
Your story, your characters sound very Roman and again, I enjoy their interactions and banter. Magic Felix- not so much. The first part, Felix' s narration took me out of the story like authorial intrusion in 19th century novels. Not much narration is needed as these characters are fully-fleshed unlike the previous chapters and through their interactions, we can see the stirring of Vision and Sound naturally. I would be very judicious in your use of Magic Felix.
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Your story, your characters sound very Roman and again, I enjoy their interactions and banter. Magic Felix- not so much. The first part, Felix' s narration took me out of the story like authorial intrusion in 19th century novels. Not much narration is needed as these characters are fully-fleshed unlike the previous chapters and through their interactions, we can see the stirring of Vision and Sound naturally. I would be very judicious in your use of Magic Felix.
Comment Written 11-Sep-2014
Comment from Phyllis Stewart
I can't help but like the master's sense of humor, and I think Allutia does too. Asking a vase for help with her... wonderful! Good job... and I like the reference to fighting the "hairy elephants" with her. LOL
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I can't help but like the master's sense of humor, and I think Allutia does too. Asking a vase for help with her... wonderful! Good job... and I like the reference to fighting the "hairy elephants" with her. LOL
Comment Written 11-Sep-2014
Comment from GracieAnn
Mikey, this write reminds me a little of Taylor Caldwell who wrote about 50 years ago in such detail about those living hundreds of years ago. Whether she was possessed by neutral spirits, is up for debate. There is something to be said about possession. You have crafted a plausible scenario. I am enjoying this write. :0 GracieAnn
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Mikey, this write reminds me a little of Taylor Caldwell who wrote about 50 years ago in such detail about those living hundreds of years ago. Whether she was possessed by neutral spirits, is up for debate. There is something to be said about possession. You have crafted a plausible scenario. I am enjoying this write. :0 GracieAnn
Comment Written 10-Sep-2014
Comment from seaglass
This is well written and skillfully paints the personalities even more intensely. It leads the readers into the tension felt and the mixed emotions, his attraction and frustration and hers; dislike and resentment.
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This is well written and skillfully paints the personalities even more intensely. It leads the readers into the tension felt and the mixed emotions, his attraction and frustration and hers; dislike and resentment.
Comment Written 10-Sep-2014
Comment from Sasha
As always, I have no suggestions. You are doing just fine without them. I enjoyed this chapter and the frustration that Tibertin is having with Allutia. I am enjoying this very much and looking forward to reading the next post.
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As always, I have no suggestions. You are doing just fine without them. I enjoyed this chapter and the frustration that Tibertin is having with Allutia. I am enjoying this very much and looking forward to reading the next post.
Comment Written 10-Sep-2014
Comment from gypsycaravan
Surely, she will now laugh at his conversation with the vase. haha. Story is proceeding well. I feel often that some people I meet or know I've known at another time and in another place. This story is making me remember more of those encounters. Thank you for writing it.
A couple suggestions:
1. "You summonsed me here!"--"summonsed" should be "summoned"
2. "She laid down and feigned falling almost immediately to sleep." --might read better as "She laid down and feigned sleep immediately."
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Surely, she will now laugh at his conversation with the vase. haha. Story is proceeding well. I feel often that some people I meet or know I've known at another time and in another place. This story is making me remember more of those encounters. Thank you for writing it.
A couple suggestions:
1. "You summonsed me here!"--"summonsed" should be "summoned"
2. "She laid down and feigned falling almost immediately to sleep." --might read better as "She laid down and feigned sleep immediately."
Comment Written 10-Sep-2014
