Breezes, part1
Breath of God?88 total reviews
Comment from JM
For starters, I love your illustration. I love your metaphor for the Holy Spirit. On a breezy day, I like to stand in the middle of our field and just let the wind run through my Being and I like to think of God. What an uplifting song. Thank you.
reply by the author on 27-Jul-2014
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For starters, I love your illustration. I love your metaphor for the Holy Spirit. On a breezy day, I like to stand in the middle of our field and just let the wind run through my Being and I like to think of God. What an uplifting song. Thank you.
Comment Written 26-Jul-2014
reply by the author on 27-Jul-2014
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Thank you JM for your uplifting remarks and generous review, blessings, Roy.
Comment from linsbm
Just the photo itself spoke to me already and the more I felt the spirit behind the graces of this wonderful write. So beautiful in your craftsmanship. The lyrics made to a wonderful song. This is a song that every reader will ready enjoy reading. Thanks so much for sharing. God bless.}Lin
reply by the author on 23-Jul-2014
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Just the photo itself spoke to me already and the more I felt the spirit behind the graces of this wonderful write. So beautiful in your craftsmanship. The lyrics made to a wonderful song. This is a song that every reader will ready enjoy reading. Thanks so much for sharing. God bless.}Lin
Comment Written 23-Jul-2014
reply by the author on 23-Jul-2014
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Thank you for the gracious words and wonderful review, blessings, Roy.
Comment from Kenneth Schaal
The tower of Babble, and the Pentecost. I'm taken with the excellent crafting of the poem, and the spiritual/soulful kind of wistfulness it conveys. It's a beautiful read aloud, as well.
reply by the author on 23-Jul-2014
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The tower of Babble, and the Pentecost. I'm taken with the excellent crafting of the poem, and the spiritual/soulful kind of wistfulness it conveys. It's a beautiful read aloud, as well.
Comment Written 23-Jul-2014
reply by the author on 23-Jul-2014
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Thank you so much for these gracious words and great review, blessings, Roy.
Comment from The Death
Hi, Roy.
You've used the metaphor effectively to highlight how his grace is always around us, yet it may not be felt sometimes. I like the questions you have asked. It has nice spiritual overtones as well.
Beautiful opening:
Oh breath of wind against my face,
Surround me with your warm embrace,
This breath of wind now dips and swirls,
It whips my hair and tangles curls!
Excellent use of R,S consonance in the above verse. The thing which is of concern here is that you are addressing the wind directly in the first two lines, and then it becomes the third person in the last two lines. It's OK, but I would suggest using a dash after 'embrace', which will show this sudden change in thought. There are a few more places where punctuation can be tweaked.
Nice imagery here:
Oh breath of wind where do you go,
When flags on poles hang limp and low,
When clothes on lines fall lank and wet,
They seem so sad, without you, fret!
As you are asking a question, put a question mark after 'wet', and drop the comma. You don't have to always use commas at the end of lines to show continuity of thoughts. Excellent use of S alliteration and R,L consonance.
Oh breath of wind your cousin groans,
He bends the trees and breaks their bones(.)
He's just like you 'cept mean and strong,
And then he leaves, won't right his wrong! (Chorus)
Consider using a period as indicated. It will be optimal. Nice use of personification. Good use of reference to the devil. Nice use of N,R consonance.
Oh breath of wind against my face,
Please be my friend, please show me grace(--)
But once again he flees, he hides,
Where does he live, where does he bide! (Chorus)
Again, a dash will be more effective here, as I stated regarding the first verse.
This poem has good imagery and appeal. Consistent iambic tetrameter in the main verses(not the chorus one) and excellent use of rhyming make it sound musical. As you want it to be a song, punctuation will greatly affect the flow, so I'll suggest revising them. I'll be happy to upgrade once you edit this. :)
Regards,
Anupam
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The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 23-Jul-2014
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Hi, Roy.
You've used the metaphor effectively to highlight how his grace is always around us, yet it may not be felt sometimes. I like the questions you have asked. It has nice spiritual overtones as well.
Beautiful opening:
Oh breath of wind against my face,
Surround me with your warm embrace,
This breath of wind now dips and swirls,
It whips my hair and tangles curls!
Excellent use of R,S consonance in the above verse. The thing which is of concern here is that you are addressing the wind directly in the first two lines, and then it becomes the third person in the last two lines. It's OK, but I would suggest using a dash after 'embrace', which will show this sudden change in thought. There are a few more places where punctuation can be tweaked.
Nice imagery here:
Oh breath of wind where do you go,
When flags on poles hang limp and low,
When clothes on lines fall lank and wet,
They seem so sad, without you, fret!
As you are asking a question, put a question mark after 'wet', and drop the comma. You don't have to always use commas at the end of lines to show continuity of thoughts. Excellent use of S alliteration and R,L consonance.
Oh breath of wind your cousin groans,
He bends the trees and breaks their bones(.)
He's just like you 'cept mean and strong,
And then he leaves, won't right his wrong! (Chorus)
Consider using a period as indicated. It will be optimal. Nice use of personification. Good use of reference to the devil. Nice use of N,R consonance.
Oh breath of wind against my face,
Please be my friend, please show me grace(--)
But once again he flees, he hides,
Where does he live, where does he bide! (Chorus)
Again, a dash will be more effective here, as I stated regarding the first verse.
This poem has good imagery and appeal. Consistent iambic tetrameter in the main verses(not the chorus one) and excellent use of rhyming make it sound musical. As you want it to be a song, punctuation will greatly affect the flow, so I'll suggest revising them. I'll be happy to upgrade once you edit this. :)
Regards,
Anupam
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 23-Jul-2014
reply by the author on 23-Jul-2014
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I don't want it to be a song, it is a song, it was be before it was a poem! I adjusted them to suit! Thank you for the comprehensive review, blessings Roy.
Comment from Sueswrite
This is just beautiful! It must sound great with music. You'll have to add a link somehow to hear it. Your words are awesome, so peaceful actually. Your photo is just perfect, as well, showing the breeze all around her. Very nice!
reply by the author on 23-Jul-2014
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This is just beautiful! It must sound great with music. You'll have to add a link somehow to hear it. Your words are awesome, so peaceful actually. Your photo is just perfect, as well, showing the breeze all around her. Very nice!
Comment Written 23-Jul-2014
reply by the author on 23-Jul-2014
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Thank you for this wonderful review and comments, blessings, Roy.
Comment from Irish Rain
Beautiful. From the words, which are lyrical, to the precious artwork, your poem of the Holy Spirit, does as you intended...it sings! Blessings...Judy
reply by the author on 23-Jul-2014
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Beautiful. From the words, which are lyrical, to the precious artwork, your poem of the Holy Spirit, does as you intended...it sings! Blessings...Judy
Comment Written 22-Jul-2014
reply by the author on 23-Jul-2014
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Thank you Judy for the great review, its good to hear you enjoyed it!blessings, Roy
Comment from poetbear
Beautifully written and constructed.
This reminds of our late friend and poetess Gungalo (Pam).
It thinks and flows like her words did.
Reads well and makes sense.Great visual.
reply by the author on 23-Jul-2014
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Beautifully written and constructed.
This reminds of our late friend and poetess Gungalo (Pam).
It thinks and flows like her words did.
Reads well and makes sense.Great visual.
Comment Written 22-Jul-2014
reply by the author on 23-Jul-2014
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Thank you so much for the high praise, and the great review, blessings, Roy
Comment from Set in Stone
I read your poem before I read your notes, and took it quite literally as referring to the wind. I thought it was really beautiful and had a prayer-like quality. After reading your notes, I'm really impressed by the dual nature of the poem.There's a lovely softness about it.
reply by the author on 22-Jul-2014
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I read your poem before I read your notes, and took it quite literally as referring to the wind. I thought it was really beautiful and had a prayer-like quality. After reading your notes, I'm really impressed by the dual nature of the poem.There's a lovely softness about it.
Comment Written 22-Jul-2014
reply by the author on 22-Jul-2014
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Thank you so much for this great review and comments, blessings, Roy.
Comment from Acquired Taste
Beautiful poem and absolutely lovely song. I do like the wind metaphor.
It must be wonderful to hear this sung by a choir.
Very nice. AT=/
reply by the author on 22-Jul-2014
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Beautiful poem and absolutely lovely song. I do like the wind metaphor.
It must be wonderful to hear this sung by a choir.
Very nice. AT=/
Comment Written 22-Jul-2014
reply by the author on 22-Jul-2014
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Thank you AT for these wonderful words and review, blessings, Roy.
Comment from dejohnsrld (Debbie)
Great song lyrics, my friend:
I especially like
Oh breath of wind against my face,
Please be my friend, please show me grace,
Beautiful rhymes. Have a blessed evening, my friend~Debbie
reply by the author on 22-Jul-2014
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Great song lyrics, my friend:
I especially like
Oh breath of wind against my face,
Please be my friend, please show me grace,
Beautiful rhymes. Have a blessed evening, my friend~Debbie
Comment Written 22-Jul-2014
reply by the author on 22-Jul-2014
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Thank you Debbie, for these beautiful words and review, blessings, Roy.
