flimsy grey blankets
tanka17 total reviews
Comment from Gert sherwood
Hello . kiwisteveh
Sounds like you had a very gray attitude about going forward until you
as you said which is very good-
I stumble upwards
into sudden strong sunlight
the way ahead now beckons
Gert
reply by the author on 27-May-2014
  |
Hello . kiwisteveh
Sounds like you had a very gray attitude about going forward until you
as you said which is very good-
I stumble upwards
into sudden strong sunlight
the way ahead now beckons
Gert
Comment Written 25-May-2014
reply by the author on 27-May-2014
-
Thanks, Gert.
Sometimes writing poetry is like this too.
Steve
Comment from adewpearl
Steve, your poem is in excellent syllable count and structure for the tanka with a pivot line that works perfectly with both halves of the tanka
excellent use of alliteration
beautiful descriptive detail
stumble and beckon - perfect verb choices to create mood
This is stunning, my friend :-) Brooke
reply by the author on 20-May-2014
|
Steve, your poem is in excellent syllable count and structure for the tanka with a pivot line that works perfectly with both halves of the tanka
excellent use of alliteration
beautiful descriptive detail
stumble and beckon - perfect verb choices to create mood
This is stunning, my friend :-) Brooke
Comment Written 19-May-2014
reply by the author on 20-May-2014
-
Brooke, thanks for the kind words. I am a beginner at this form so it is encouraging to get such a positive response, especially as a few reviewers seem to have been confused.
Steve
Comment from Loren (7)
Hmm, never heard morning spoken as such, gives a very good and poetic picture. That the protagonist stumbles is understandable and that he moves upwards into sunlight is encouraging and shows his resolve.
reply by the author on 19-May-2014
|
Hmm, never heard morning spoken as such, gives a very good and poetic picture. That the protagonist stumbles is understandable and that he moves upwards into sunlight is encouraging and shows his resolve.
Comment Written 19-May-2014
reply by the author on 19-May-2014
-
Thank you!
Steve
Comment from Just2Write
I like your unique approach to Tanka. You paint a complete picture of awaking with your head under the covers and then making your way out of bed and into the brilliance of a new day. Exceptional pivot line. I'm not sure if the flimsy grey blankets are a metaphor, or if you are just relating what happens on some mornings. Anyway, the write is intriguing to say the least.
Rose.
reply by the author on 19-May-2014
|
I like your unique approach to Tanka. You paint a complete picture of awaking with your head under the covers and then making your way out of bed and into the brilliance of a new day. Exceptional pivot line. I'm not sure if the flimsy grey blankets are a metaphor, or if you are just relating what happens on some mornings. Anyway, the write is intriguing to say the least.
Rose.
Comment Written 18-May-2014
reply by the author on 19-May-2014
-
Thanks, Rose.
It appears I have confused a few readers with this, including you I think. In this case the journey is literal (I was going for a walk) and the blankets are metaphorical (mist/fog), not the other way around.
If it's any consolation, you are in good company and the rest of your comment is very pleasing.
Steve
Boy - do I feel dumb.
Perhaps it is the where the plurals fall:
flimsy grey blankets
veil my early morning path
vs.
flimsy grey blanket
veils my early morning path
I read blankets in your tanka as 'more than one blanket' and didn't make the connection to a mist at all. I was somewhere in the outfield and missed the ball completely.
Rose.
Comment from Domino 2
There could be a metaphor, probably about negativity here, Steve, though I'm not sure, so I'll just say the write is excellent as it clearly appears with top imagery.
Cheers, Ted
reply by the author on 19-May-2014
|
There could be a metaphor, probably about negativity here, Steve, though I'm not sure, so I'll just say the write is excellent as it clearly appears with top imagery.
Cheers, Ted
Comment Written 18-May-2014
reply by the author on 19-May-2014
-
Thanks, Ted.
You are cautious with your interpretation - with good reason perhaps - some reviewers have been thoroughly confused by my description of a morning walk through the mist...
Steve
Comment from Quire's Gal
This is so good Steve. It's strong and inventive. I love the opening line "flimsy grey blankets". It sets the tone immediately. I think the best compliment a tanka can receive is that it conjured up an image for the reader and you've done so with this one.
Good luck in the contest
Katherine
reply by the author on 19-May-2014
|
This is so good Steve. It's strong and inventive. I love the opening line "flimsy grey blankets". It sets the tone immediately. I think the best compliment a tanka can receive is that it conjured up an image for the reader and you've done so with this one.
Good luck in the contest
Katherine
Comment Written 18-May-2014
reply by the author on 19-May-2014
-
Katherine, thanks for the great review.
I am very much a beginner at this form so I appreciate your positive comments.
Steve
Comment from juliaSjames
Nice write, Steve.
The initial metaphor is excellent.
Perfect pivot. Love the uncertainty of "stumble". And it fits so well with "early morning" when most of us bumble around in a sleepy daze.
The word choice and alliteration of "sudden strong sunlight" hits the reader like the blaze of the rising sun or like the flash of enlightenment - for a moment everything is dazzlingly clear.
I confess that the final line sounded slightly trite for you. But that's just my humble opinion.
Best to you in the contest.
reply by the author on 19-May-2014
|
Nice write, Steve.
The initial metaphor is excellent.
Perfect pivot. Love the uncertainty of "stumble". And it fits so well with "early morning" when most of us bumble around in a sleepy daze.
The word choice and alliteration of "sudden strong sunlight" hits the reader like the blaze of the rising sun or like the flash of enlightenment - for a moment everything is dazzlingly clear.
I confess that the final line sounded slightly trite for you. But that's just my humble opinion.
Best to you in the contest.
Comment Written 17-May-2014
reply by the author on 19-May-2014
-
Thanks for the great review, Julia. You certainly got everything I was trying to do here.
I have looked again at that final line, but at the moment can't think of a way to improve it. Thanks for the honest comment.
Steve
Comment from arsinBW
This one I wasn't sure at first but, I really like it. Some great lines there - "stumble upwards" and "way ahead now beckons". Awesome!
reply by the author on 19-May-2014
|
This one I wasn't sure at first but, I really like it. Some great lines there - "stumble upwards" and "way ahead now beckons". Awesome!
Comment Written 17-May-2014
reply by the author on 19-May-2014
-
Thank you!
Steve
Comment from closetpoetjester
Get that rug off your head and start moving, lad! LOL
Ditch the stumble, remove the veil and walk strong dear fellow. The way ahead is clear...and it beckons you to go forth, son. Well written Steve...although I kinda like your rhyming side better. Clever use of the blinding shroud on a misty morning walk. Good luck.
P
reply by the author on 19-May-2014
|
Get that rug off your head and start moving, lad! LOL
Ditch the stumble, remove the veil and walk strong dear fellow. The way ahead is clear...and it beckons you to go forth, son. Well written Steve...although I kinda like your rhyming side better. Clever use of the blinding shroud on a misty morning walk. Good luck.
P
Comment Written 17-May-2014
reply by the author on 19-May-2014
-
At least you got that I was walking - quite a few reviewers had me stuck under the blankets!
Steve
Comment from nancyjam
Great Tanka Steve. It works both
literally and metaphorically for a
spiritual awakening. We stumble through
life until we see the light and finally
know the Way.
Your pivot line woks so well for each part.
Good luck in the contest. Nancy
reply by the author on 19-May-2014
|
Great Tanka Steve. It works both
literally and metaphorically for a
spiritual awakening. We stumble through
life until we see the light and finally
know the Way.
Your pivot line woks so well for each part.
Good luck in the contest. Nancy
Comment Written 17-May-2014
reply by the author on 19-May-2014
-
Thanks for the thoughtful review, Nancy. I am still a beginner at this stuff!
Steve
