Mooning Venus, pt 2
A love story in phases.21 total reviews
Comment from The Death
Hi, HW.
The plot you have developed here is very interesting. It seems to be a very different type of love-story.
One can easily sketch the characters of Louis and Selene from their interaction and their responses/activities.
Your detailed descriptions are influential in creating the scenes well. One can easily connect to their thoughts and excellent POV as well.
Notes:
For the next few minutes(,) this unlikely pair of mismatched moonstrucks scouted for viewing angles, positioned tripod legs,
Meanwhile(,) his normally adroit fingers fumbled and floundered and his short breaths came out in wheezes that sounded to him exactly like the throat-song of a nightingale trilling Sweet Selene, Sweet Selene.
You should either have 'Sweet Selene' in single-inverted commas or italicize them.
Once in a while(,) he'd steal glances to make sure his Selene was indeed real.
"Selene, it's about to begin, the eclipse,"
After 'begin', a dash (--) would be more appropriate. It's optional, of course.
The dialogues are witty and humorous. I like how you have portrayed Selene to be dominating over him.
The story moves at a subtle pace and is very entertaining. The ending is very well-thought out to and it raises curiosity to see what happens next.
Nicely drafted!
Warm regards,
Anupam
reply by the author on 30-Apr-2014
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Hi, HW.
The plot you have developed here is very interesting. It seems to be a very different type of love-story.
One can easily sketch the characters of Louis and Selene from their interaction and their responses/activities.
Your detailed descriptions are influential in creating the scenes well. One can easily connect to their thoughts and excellent POV as well.
Notes:
For the next few minutes(,) this unlikely pair of mismatched moonstrucks scouted for viewing angles, positioned tripod legs,
Meanwhile(,) his normally adroit fingers fumbled and floundered and his short breaths came out in wheezes that sounded to him exactly like the throat-song of a nightingale trilling Sweet Selene, Sweet Selene.
You should either have 'Sweet Selene' in single-inverted commas or italicize them.
Once in a while(,) he'd steal glances to make sure his Selene was indeed real.
"Selene, it's about to begin, the eclipse,"
After 'begin', a dash (--) would be more appropriate. It's optional, of course.
The dialogues are witty and humorous. I like how you have portrayed Selene to be dominating over him.
The story moves at a subtle pace and is very entertaining. The ending is very well-thought out to and it raises curiosity to see what happens next.
Nicely drafted!
Warm regards,
Anupam
Comment Written 26-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 30-Apr-2014
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Thank you, Anupam. I really appreciate your comments and suggestions. Now that the story is finished I'm going to go back and work it into a single entity. Your comments will come in handy. Thank you again. Peace, Lee
Comment from Sasha
I enjoyed this very much. Love your witty comments and LL's insecurity. I do hope he finds love with Selene or at least gets a free ride to the moon. I anxiously look forward to part 3.
reply by the author on 30-Apr-2014
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I enjoyed this very much. Love your witty comments and LL's insecurity. I do hope he finds love with Selene or at least gets a free ride to the moon. I anxiously look forward to part 3.
Comment Written 25-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 30-Apr-2014
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Thank you very much, Sasha. Part 3 has finished this story. But since there are three more lunar eclipses in the current tetrad, I'm going to revisit these two character for each of the eclipses. The next will be October 8th of this year.
Thanks again. Peace, Lee
Comment from sibhus
Aw the wit, the humor, the character building, it is a joy to see a master at work. They're truck farmers, that is a riot, and this has really caught my interest. Does L.L. make it to home base, or does Selene break his spine, and regret. I will definitely tune in tommorrow same hampstation,same hampdchannel, same humptime. Good stuff there, Lee.
reply by the author on 30-Apr-2014
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Aw the wit, the humor, the character building, it is a joy to see a master at work. They're truck farmers, that is a riot, and this has really caught my interest. Does L.L. make it to home base, or does Selene break his spine, and regret. I will definitely tune in tommorrow same hampstation,same hampdchannel, same humptime. Good stuff there, Lee.
Comment Written 23-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 30-Apr-2014
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Thank you, sibhus. I'm delighted you enjoyed. Peace, Lee
Comment from Joy Graham
I'm sure act 3 will move this romance along :) i can see it in the stars. We're hanging in to see a mooning. I'm liking this mushy romance and hoping this awkward geek gets the girl.
reply by the author on 30-Apr-2014
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I'm sure act 3 will move this romance along :) i can see it in the stars. We're hanging in to see a mooning. I'm liking this mushy romance and hoping this awkward geek gets the girl.
Comment Written 23-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 30-Apr-2014
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Thank you, Joy. I'm glad you enjoyed. Peace, Lee
Comment from Rosalyne
Hi, Lee.
What a wonderful humorous story. Your characters are excellent, quirky and unique. You have done a marvelous job showing their individuality, from their names and origins to their physical differences. It's said that opposites attract. You've shown this so well in your story. Sorry I haven't any six stars left to give. This is an excellent story!
Bye
Rosalyne :)
reply by the author on 30-Apr-2014
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Hi, Lee.
What a wonderful humorous story. Your characters are excellent, quirky and unique. You have done a marvelous job showing their individuality, from their names and origins to their physical differences. It's said that opposites attract. You've shown this so well in your story. Sorry I haven't any six stars left to give. This is an excellent story!
Bye
Rosalyne :)
Comment Written 23-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 30-Apr-2014
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Thanks so much, Rosalyne. Yes, I like the concept of opposites attracting. Makes for interesting storytelling. Thank you again. Peace, Lee
Comment from mfowler
These could be the two most unlike Romeo and Juliet characters that I've ever imagined in a romance. It's classic Humpwhistle, two strange strangers having the weirdest conversations in unusual settings. Except, this time we have a very good understanding of LL from episode one. The scene is almost imaginable, the romancing in his head is funny, and the Selene character is definitely scary. Look forward to your next one in the series.
reply by the author on 03-May-2014
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These could be the two most unlike Romeo and Juliet characters that I've ever imagined in a romance. It's classic Humpwhistle, two strange strangers having the weirdest conversations in unusual settings. Except, this time we have a very good understanding of LL from episode one. The scene is almost imaginable, the romancing in his head is funny, and the Selene character is definitely scary. Look forward to your next one in the series.
Comment Written 23-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 03-May-2014
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Thanks, Mark. Glad you enjoyed. Peace, Lee
Comment from LoannaLois
Your writing is really wonderful.I think it is because it seems so effortless. You merely write down what your wonderfully complex brain is telling you. I admire you and your writing...so very much. The vocabulary, conversations, and ideas transferred between characters are just super.Wish it was a six.
reply by the author on 23-Apr-2014
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Your writing is really wonderful.I think it is because it seems so effortless. You merely write down what your wonderfully complex brain is telling you. I admire you and your writing...so very much. The vocabulary, conversations, and ideas transferred between characters are just super.Wish it was a six.
Comment Written 23-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 23-Apr-2014
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Thank you so much, LoannaLois. I really appreciate your fine comments. I really can seem effortless when I find cooperative characters. Thank you again. Peace, Lee
Comment from Schalk Jacobs
Mmm, seems you have been tinkering with new characters. As always you have out dome yourself. Liked the flow of the story.
reply by the author on 30-Apr-2014
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Mmm, seems you have been tinkering with new characters. As always you have out dome yourself. Liked the flow of the story.
Comment Written 23-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 30-Apr-2014
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Thank you, Schalk. You know me and my characters. How's your rehab coming? Lee
Comment from N.K. Wagner
bullied life, but eventually worked his way out of the bayou, to a scholarship- omit both commas
She may be an Amazon and scares him,- She may be a scary Amazon,
Excellently written, Lee. All the mechanics are in alignment, and the stage is set for Act 3. One thing is certain: these two are a couple of lunatics. I look forward to your next heavenly installment. :D Nancy
reply by the author on 30-Apr-2014
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bullied life, but eventually worked his way out of the bayou, to a scholarship- omit both commas
She may be an Amazon and scares him,- She may be a scary Amazon,
Excellently written, Lee. All the mechanics are in alignment, and the stage is set for Act 3. One thing is certain: these two are a couple of lunatics. I look forward to your next heavenly installment. :D Nancy
Comment Written 23-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 30-Apr-2014
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Thanks, Nancy. Sorry for the delay with this. I like 'lunatics'--I'll save that for another installment.
Made the other corrections. Thanks again. Peace, Lee
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Looking forward to it, Lee.
Comment from IndianaIrish
When this act ended, I was shocked and had to go back and see if I had missed a part. I was so engaged, I thought it read like just a couple of paragraphs. It read so quickly. I loved getting inside these two a little more and want to learn more about these two. I enjoyed your humor, the tacked on 'my love' thought, I should have guessed her last name, and I have to go to the store to look through a kaleidoscope. I don't have to say I look forward to the next part, right?
Smiles,
Indy : )
reply by the author on 04-May-2014
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When this act ended, I was shocked and had to go back and see if I had missed a part. I was so engaged, I thought it read like just a couple of paragraphs. It read so quickly. I loved getting inside these two a little more and want to learn more about these two. I enjoyed your humor, the tacked on 'my love' thought, I should have guessed her last name, and I have to go to the store to look through a kaleidoscope. I don't have to say I look forward to the next part, right?
Smiles,
Indy : )
Comment Written 23-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 04-May-2014
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Thank you, Indy, and soory this is so late. Sometimes I get backed up. I don't think I've seen a kaleidoscope in years, but it seemed like a good simile device for this story. So glad you enjoyed. Peace, Lee
