Chosen Profession Part-2
A private detective tries to escape from an elevator shaft.30 total reviews
Comment from Karen Cherry Threadgill
Your story did not end, It just stopped. You are a rat. I wanted more. I am going to go write something. Do you have any interest in writing a western with me? I need to find someone to write with.
here is my opening paragraph: Elmira winters hated wearing a dress. In fact she hated the bustle, the lace up shoes, the fragile parasol, everything the female body was supposed to utilize that went against comfort. When her Daddy "Big Wade Winters" sold the stock and went back to Texas she was to stay here with her Grandmother while he went from spread to spread looking for new blood stock.
Her grandma was in for a shock. Karen
reply by the author on 09-Apr-2024
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Your story did not end, It just stopped. You are a rat. I wanted more. I am going to go write something. Do you have any interest in writing a western with me? I need to find someone to write with.
here is my opening paragraph: Elmira winters hated wearing a dress. In fact she hated the bustle, the lace up shoes, the fragile parasol, everything the female body was supposed to utilize that went against comfort. When her Daddy "Big Wade Winters" sold the stock and went back to Texas she was to stay here with her Grandmother while he went from spread to spread looking for new blood stock.
Her grandma was in for a shock. Karen
Comment Written 09-Apr-2024
reply by the author on 09-Apr-2024
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Thanks for another generous review and kind words. Yes, I brought this to a sudden stop with intentions of carrying it on at another time, but didn't. Big Wade Winters and Elmira sound like characters just itching to be written about, and with a whole lot of backstory to spice up what's coming. Of course, I love to write a western with you, but the problem with me is finding time to make myself sit down and do. So, with that said, I'm figuring you'd end up just getting mad at me for holding up your progress. Who knows what we'll do. We can talk about it. I appreciate YOU! :-)
Comment from lyenochka
Lol! Well, now I'm glad you made this into two posts as I wouldn't have guessed the outcome! And poor guy is forced into a profession. Now we wonder if he ever did get revenge on the hiring guy. But that was truly some job interview!!
reply by the author on 21-Apr-2023
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Lol! Well, now I'm glad you made this into two posts as I wouldn't have guessed the outcome! And poor guy is forced into a profession. Now we wonder if he ever did get revenge on the hiring guy. But that was truly some job interview!!
Comment Written 21-Apr-2023
reply by the author on 21-Apr-2023
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Well, I hate to admit it, but I have no idea where part-2 took us to. I'm not a plotter or outliner, I just start writing and let the stories write themselves. LOL. Thank you so much, Helen. It's always a joy to read your writing and communicate with you. And, of course, I hope to entertain you a bit sometimes too, my sweetheart of a friend! :-)
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It was entertaining, Ric! I can see this as the premiere of a TV series!
Comment from AJ McCall
Nice continuation Ric. But man why does he have to kill people. He's basically a hit man now. I might pursue an idea with the main character being a private detective. Got any thoughts on that?
Thanks for sharing this. (I winced when I read the swears.) Sorry just me. :)
reply by the author on 03-Jul-2020
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Nice continuation Ric. But man why does he have to kill people. He's basically a hit man now. I might pursue an idea with the main character being a private detective. Got any thoughts on that?
Thanks for sharing this. (I winced when I read the swears.) Sorry just me. :)
Comment Written 03-Jul-2020
reply by the author on 03-Jul-2020
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Truthfully, it has been so long since I've read this story that I can't even remember exactly what it's about. I do remember the bad guys were trying to force someone to be a part of their organization. These were really bad guys, and the reason I used the cursing to make them look even worse. Again, I'm sorry for the cursing! Thank you so much for reading in spite of the bad language!
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You're welcome!! I was reading some old stuff too last night! And I could't even remember what it meant or why I had written some words..lol
Comment from Winslow
Dear Ric,
This is like the Borne Identity. You will be a killer for us or we will liquidate you. Remember big brother is watching and he never sleeps. A lot of tension combined with intrigue.
Warm regards,
Winslow
reply by the author on 27-Jun-2014
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Dear Ric,
This is like the Borne Identity. You will be a killer for us or we will liquidate you. Remember big brother is watching and he never sleeps. A lot of tension combined with intrigue.
Warm regards,
Winslow
Comment Written 27-Jun-2014
reply by the author on 27-Jun-2014
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Thanks so much, Winslow, for taking time to read part of my story. Your kind words and generous review are greatly appreciated. :-)
Comment from SDTracyHarper
Excellent Prolog. Cant wait for the rest of the book. throw in some girls, a righteous cause or two, a bit of backstabbing, and a laugh or two at his expense. all that would be left to do is give Hollywood a call. this is a better start than a lot of crap that's being pushed on us. Great work, good visuals, and just the right amount of "I'm fucked!" Excused the language. SD
reply by the author on 09-May-2014
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Excellent Prolog. Cant wait for the rest of the book. throw in some girls, a righteous cause or two, a bit of backstabbing, and a laugh or two at his expense. all that would be left to do is give Hollywood a call. this is a better start than a lot of crap that's being pushed on us. Great work, good visuals, and just the right amount of "I'm fucked!" Excused the language. SD
Comment Written 08-May-2014
reply by the author on 09-May-2014
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Thank you so much for taking time to read my story. Your kind words and generous review are greatly appreciated. This is my attempt at writing first person, my greatest weakness. Getting out of my comfort zone, to sort of sink or swim. Glad , you liked it. :-)
Comment from Munkysam
Sorry it took me a while to get to this. It's great :) I really like your main character, you did a great job creating him. I'm really hooked and want to know how the rest of things play out. Thanks for sharing this!
reply by the author on 02-May-2014
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Sorry it took me a while to get to this. It's great :) I really like your main character, you did a great job creating him. I'm really hooked and want to know how the rest of things play out. Thanks for sharing this!
Comment Written 02-May-2014
reply by the author on 02-May-2014
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Thank you so much for taking time to read part two of my story. Your kind words and generous review are greatly appreciated. I write a lot of stories I leave wide open so that I can expand them in the future. :-)
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That's what I like to do too :) I just need to write some longer ones.
Comment from Selina Stambi
I read the first part and was really impressed. Glad I found this one.
Ric, you are a raconteur par excellence! You had me riveted by this story. A great escape - chef's garb and all - only to fall into the final trap.
Very cleverly written. Some minor comma issues ... otherwise ... fantastic!
Have a great week!
Until next time,
Sonali :)
reply by the author on 30-Apr-2014
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I read the first part and was really impressed. Glad I found this one.
Ric, you are a raconteur par excellence! You had me riveted by this story. A great escape - chef's garb and all - only to fall into the final trap.
Very cleverly written. Some minor comma issues ... otherwise ... fantastic!
Have a great week!
Until next time,
Sonali :)
Comment Written 29-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 30-Apr-2014
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I can't thank you enough, Sonali, for your reviews, suggestions, and encouragement that have helped to keep me from giving up. I should have learned the grammar when I was young, but didn't want to spend the time, afraid I would miss something. Thank you so much for your generous and kind comments. I appreciate YOU. Wishing you the BEST! Ric. :-)
Comment from adewpearl
I like the wicked laugh, evil chuckle - effective use of non-verbal communication to enhance the spoken conversation and to add to this guy's personality
a fascinating premise with lots of action and intrigue
Brooke
reply by the author on 28-Apr-2014
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I like the wicked laugh, evil chuckle - effective use of non-verbal communication to enhance the spoken conversation and to add to this guy's personality
a fascinating premise with lots of action and intrigue
Brooke
Comment Written 28-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 28-Apr-2014
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Thank you so much, Brooke, for taking time to read this part of my story. Your kind words and generous review are greatly appreciated. When an outstanding writer such as you offers encouraging words to us beginners, it's a good day. :-)
Comment from Ted T
Hi Ric :)
Once again, you have all the elements for a good story, but there's a lot of work ahead.
Your plot is 'B' movie level and 100% predictable.
As I said regarding part one, start over and change the narrative POV.
In this part two you have an information dump to bring new readers up to speed. You wouldn't need that if you didn't break up the story. If you did, like with a new novel chapter, you put background in before the piece starts.
I also agree with Gayle that your little dialogue is stilted and unnatural.
Nothing about family is even mentioned until the ending sequence. Then you use a cliche, one dimensional character on the phone. He's offering to fake the character's death and train him as a paid killer.
You're getting all your "fluff", useless, reviews because of the high payout for each part.
I understand you're trying to learn, so after the sting of my critique wears off, read both of them again and learn from them.
There's a lot I could help you with. Maybe with your character, but this story is dead in the water.
If you want to tackle a novel with this concept and theme you need to change the entire approach. The first step is switch to third person limited omniscient POV in past tense. Next stop using ING-words to open lines of narrative, kill over half the adjectives you seem to love, don't use adverbial dialogue tags, unless absolutely necessary, limit adverbs in general, and start writing believable dialogue.
For God's sake, forget about useless FS rankings and paper awards that mean nothing.
If you want my help, pay attention to what I suggest. I'm not a good SPAG hunter, that's Gayle and Norma's department. They'll find those nits.
Let me know.
Ted
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reply by the author on 19-Apr-2014
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Hi Ric :)
Once again, you have all the elements for a good story, but there's a lot of work ahead.
Your plot is 'B' movie level and 100% predictable.
As I said regarding part one, start over and change the narrative POV.
In this part two you have an information dump to bring new readers up to speed. You wouldn't need that if you didn't break up the story. If you did, like with a new novel chapter, you put background in before the piece starts.
I also agree with Gayle that your little dialogue is stilted and unnatural.
Nothing about family is even mentioned until the ending sequence. Then you use a cliche, one dimensional character on the phone. He's offering to fake the character's death and train him as a paid killer.
You're getting all your "fluff", useless, reviews because of the high payout for each part.
I understand you're trying to learn, so after the sting of my critique wears off, read both of them again and learn from them.
There's a lot I could help you with. Maybe with your character, but this story is dead in the water.
If you want to tackle a novel with this concept and theme you need to change the entire approach. The first step is switch to third person limited omniscient POV in past tense. Next stop using ING-words to open lines of narrative, kill over half the adjectives you seem to love, don't use adverbial dialogue tags, unless absolutely necessary, limit adverbs in general, and start writing believable dialogue.
For God's sake, forget about useless FS rankings and paper awards that mean nothing.
If you want my help, pay attention to what I suggest. I'm not a good SPAG hunter, that's Gayle and Norma's department. They'll find those nits.
Let me know.
Ted
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 19-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 19-Apr-2014
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Thanks for taking time to read my story. Your comments, time spent reviewing, and suggestions are greatly appreciated. I did change the lines that Gayle didn't like, and she has since come back to say she likes it much better. I was trying to make this more of a 40s and 50s piece and different from everything else I'm reading that spells everything out and doesn't leave anything for the reader to think about. I thought there was tons of character dimension, it was just left for the reader to put together. Oh, well, know I can start from scratch. Thanks. :-)
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Glad you didn't get all upset with my comments. I don't usually go that far if I see those glaring errors all over the first page.
However, you've stayed with my chapters, so I took the time.
If you want to go for a novel, you have all pieces to get started. The first hundred words be the hardest.
Ted
Comment from Twilightspire
What an excellent end to this two part story. It is a vivid and fresh take on the ole "forced to be an assassin" story type. I really like the characterization and the descriptions in this piece. You went for broke on both without thinning the story. It all stayed right there, where it was supposed to, on the page and for our enjoyment. Great job with this. I just wish I had a six star for you, this piece earned it.
-T.J.
reply by the author on 19-Apr-2014
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What an excellent end to this two part story. It is a vivid and fresh take on the ole "forced to be an assassin" story type. I really like the characterization and the descriptions in this piece. You went for broke on both without thinning the story. It all stayed right there, where it was supposed to, on the page and for our enjoyment. Great job with this. I just wish I had a six star for you, this piece earned it.
-T.J.
Comment Written 19-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 19-Apr-2014
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Thank you so much for reading part two. Your kind words and generous review are greatly appreciated. I made my self write this in first person, which I struggle with at times, to get better. Now I'm about staying with third person. It's so much easier. Thanks. :-)
