The Bard of Bel Air
Viewing comments for Chapter 1 "A Bel Air Funeral"A homeless man sees more than people realize.
22 total reviews
Comment from adewpearl
Fascinating background material for the Bard. A most intriguing closing explaining the reason for the empty coffin. Definitely a most interesting start for your story, and I very much like the Bard.
Brooke
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Fascinating background material for the Bard. A most intriguing closing explaining the reason for the empty coffin. Definitely a most interesting start for your story, and I very much like the Bard.
Brooke
Comment Written 19-Apr-2014
Comment from Sankey
Hey you! Back again. See so much Mikey in here it just ain't funny hehe. Also see some comparisons to some other stuff around FS too. Maybe you saved some of the inspiration or perspiration from the Yosemite story who knows? Good start I am with you mate. A bit behind but I will get there. I did some stuff to Chapter 21 if you wanna look again even just to see some mean reviews hehe. I guess they don't know all the good ones that went before on that chapter. Funny how no matter how often we go in and edit we still find something else we missed even the reviewers missed as well Ha! Cya round mate. Got a new nick name other day...Serial Chatter maybe we are twins huh!
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Hey you! Back again. See so much Mikey in here it just ain't funny hehe. Also see some comparisons to some other stuff around FS too. Maybe you saved some of the inspiration or perspiration from the Yosemite story who knows? Good start I am with you mate. A bit behind but I will get there. I did some stuff to Chapter 21 if you wanna look again even just to see some mean reviews hehe. I guess they don't know all the good ones that went before on that chapter. Funny how no matter how often we go in and edit we still find something else we missed even the reviewers missed as well Ha! Cya round mate. Got a new nick name other day...Serial Chatter maybe we are twins huh!
Comment Written 18-Apr-2014
Comment from omerta16
Ok so the bard isn't the antagonist as I previously thought. Good to keep us guessing huh? This chapter was done with great skill and I can't find anything to admonish you on. I'm looking forward to the next chapters. Good work.
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Ok so the bard isn't the antagonist as I previously thought. Good to keep us guessing huh? This chapter was done with great skill and I can't find anything to admonish you on. I'm looking forward to the next chapters. Good work.
Comment Written 18-Apr-2014
Comment from l.raven
Hi Michael, so sorry I am late on this one...but I love it...sounds like a great start...lets see where Bard goes from here...the homeless man...love the writing in this one...on my way to find the next one...sorry I was late...Luff Linda xxoo
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Hi Michael, so sorry I am late on this one...but I love it...sounds like a great start...lets see where Bard goes from here...the homeless man...love the writing in this one...on my way to find the next one...sorry I was late...Luff Linda xxoo
Comment Written 17-Apr-2014
Comment from ProjectBluebook
I was homeless for six months on the streets when I was younger, not of choice. Sometimes homeless people get harassed and rousted by the cops, just because they are stretched out on public benches and parks. I was in the wrong place at the wrong time in Roanoke,Va. I witnessed police brutality as they punished a homeless person on a bench and tossed him in the Paddy wagon. Our eyes locked, I ran and hid in a restaurant, they came in and harassed us for witnessing this beat down. The brogue probably witnessed something, I gather, but the law can discredit a homeless person in many ways. I was thinking, who was that famous writer, Michael Knight Shamayra? Often, he would appear in a scene. Maybe, you can follow his example. Perhaps a a bird, Raven appear at different times. Like a messenger pigeon,adding a touch of mystery. What is this bizarre connection with this bird? Just an example, it could be any tangible object that appears at random. It would give the reader the chills. I don't know how many detectives you got investigating the possible homicide of Mr. Blackwell. You could always add an assistant to the flavor of the mix. Maybe, there is some unknown object buried with Mr Blackwell that would provide some clues to his death. Maybe, the body can be dug up later on. You got lots of possibilities. I got a big imagination like you--I can think them up all day. I can see a spat arising, family members fighting over his estate and money and wanting prestige. Was there a will? I'm sure some of these questions will be answered when I read the next chapter. Looks promising so far. The Bard, seems like the one who could spoil everthing. Maybe, a bounty will be put on his head to silence him. The killer will see the Bard as a threat, whomever the lad is? This has multiple possibilities. This is a safe bet. Later Lion King. Ooops--I'm out of sixes.
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I was homeless for six months on the streets when I was younger, not of choice. Sometimes homeless people get harassed and rousted by the cops, just because they are stretched out on public benches and parks. I was in the wrong place at the wrong time in Roanoke,Va. I witnessed police brutality as they punished a homeless person on a bench and tossed him in the Paddy wagon. Our eyes locked, I ran and hid in a restaurant, they came in and harassed us for witnessing this beat down. The brogue probably witnessed something, I gather, but the law can discredit a homeless person in many ways. I was thinking, who was that famous writer, Michael Knight Shamayra? Often, he would appear in a scene. Maybe, you can follow his example. Perhaps a a bird, Raven appear at different times. Like a messenger pigeon,adding a touch of mystery. What is this bizarre connection with this bird? Just an example, it could be any tangible object that appears at random. It would give the reader the chills. I don't know how many detectives you got investigating the possible homicide of Mr. Blackwell. You could always add an assistant to the flavor of the mix. Maybe, there is some unknown object buried with Mr Blackwell that would provide some clues to his death. Maybe, the body can be dug up later on. You got lots of possibilities. I got a big imagination like you--I can think them up all day. I can see a spat arising, family members fighting over his estate and money and wanting prestige. Was there a will? I'm sure some of these questions will be answered when I read the next chapter. Looks promising so far. The Bard, seems like the one who could spoil everthing. Maybe, a bounty will be put on his head to silence him. The killer will see the Bard as a threat, whomever the lad is? This has multiple possibilities. This is a safe bet. Later Lion King. Ooops--I'm out of sixes.
Comment Written 17-Apr-2014
Comment from ravenblack
You know, that would be pretty hellish to only speak in verse...but also pretty damn fun. I'm with you on this wild ride and am glad that you are incorporating the bard's voice not just in stand alone poetry, but in his dialogue. Just have a backstory planned on how he came to only speak in verse. Fully develop the bard before introducing a large cast of characters.
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You know, that would be pretty hellish to only speak in verse...but also pretty damn fun. I'm with you on this wild ride and am glad that you are incorporating the bard's voice not just in stand alone poetry, but in his dialogue. Just have a backstory planned on how he came to only speak in verse. Fully develop the bard before introducing a large cast of characters.
Comment Written 17-Apr-2014
Comment from nancy_e_davis
It seems there is more dirt flying around than what is landing on the casket. Some one who has dreams of future riches may have a rude awakening. LOL Well done. Nancy
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It seems there is more dirt flying around than what is landing on the casket. Some one who has dreams of future riches may have a rude awakening. LOL Well done. Nancy
Comment Written 17-Apr-2014
Comment from Dawn Munro
"A man of confidence and a cold(,) cultured..." << (LOL) That's about the most help I can give with punctuation - it's MY weakness.
Wow, I am truly without words to describe my reaction to this most unusual/creative start to this story; if I were to single out a favorite part of this first chapter, I'd have to say it was the Bard's irreverent muttering,"...what's a corpse to do?"
Pacing seems right on, narrative voice distinctive and strong, descriptions vivid, dialogue excellent and the start of character-build also excellent; my only quibble might be the ambiguity... I found it a bit much for my taste when it comes to the genre - it seems a bit vague, and when I am looking for light entertainment, I want to be hit over the head with the plot-line. (But that' just me, Mikey - my taste - there's not a thing wrong with what you're writing, as far as I see - it's well-penned, and vastly different - a good thing.)
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"A man of confidence and a cold(,) cultured..." << (LOL) That's about the most help I can give with punctuation - it's MY weakness.
Wow, I am truly without words to describe my reaction to this most unusual/creative start to this story; if I were to single out a favorite part of this first chapter, I'd have to say it was the Bard's irreverent muttering,"...what's a corpse to do?"
Pacing seems right on, narrative voice distinctive and strong, descriptions vivid, dialogue excellent and the start of character-build also excellent; my only quibble might be the ambiguity... I found it a bit much for my taste when it comes to the genre - it seems a bit vague, and when I am looking for light entertainment, I want to be hit over the head with the plot-line. (But that' just me, Mikey - my taste - there's not a thing wrong with what you're writing, as far as I see - it's well-penned, and vastly different - a good thing.)
Comment Written 16-Apr-2014
Comment from GracieAnn
Mikey, this is very interesting. Humm, the casket is empty and the bombshell is revealed at the last sentences. Other smaller shells are sprinkled throughout leaving subplots to spring up. Good start. This is decidedly written at a higher level, so to speak, than the last novel. Both are good-just different.
One suggestion that has always helped me is to list the players at the outset before the write begins in each installment.(Margaret Snowden did this and it really helps with understanding, especially if you get a reader dropping in a few chapters into the write.) A question: Shouldn't a question mark follow "Has a murder occurred."? Solid write. :0 GracieAnn
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Mikey, this is very interesting. Humm, the casket is empty and the bombshell is revealed at the last sentences. Other smaller shells are sprinkled throughout leaving subplots to spring up. Good start. This is decidedly written at a higher level, so to speak, than the last novel. Both are good-just different.
One suggestion that has always helped me is to list the players at the outset before the write begins in each installment.(Margaret Snowden did this and it really helps with understanding, especially if you get a reader dropping in a few chapters into the write.) A question: Shouldn't a question mark follow "Has a murder occurred."? Solid write. :0 GracieAnn
Comment Written 16-Apr-2014
Comment from vapros
This is well written, Michael, containing a world of trivia - some of which may be explained later, I assume. Really, a lot to take in at once. Is Lincoln a security guy, or is he the undertaker? Will he be a player here? Are the people around the grave aware that the box is empty, or is that a secret?
A couple of notes: in your opening verse, I believe you intended to say 'fare of the day', didn't you? Also, you mentioned Mr. Slater's 'demise', which suggests he was dead, also. Are you telling the story in the first person. I noticed only one such reference: 'It reminded me' Good work.
v
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This is well written, Michael, containing a world of trivia - some of which may be explained later, I assume. Really, a lot to take in at once. Is Lincoln a security guy, or is he the undertaker? Will he be a player here? Are the people around the grave aware that the box is empty, or is that a secret?
A couple of notes: in your opening verse, I believe you intended to say 'fare of the day', didn't you? Also, you mentioned Mr. Slater's 'demise', which suggests he was dead, also. Are you telling the story in the first person. I noticed only one such reference: 'It reminded me' Good work.
v
Comment Written 16-Apr-2014
