Chosen Profession Part-1
A private detective is chased into an elevator shaft.35 total reviews
Comment from Karen Cherry Threadgill
We will see if he becomes swiss cheese or not. I have been listening to documentaries while I work. "explaining the brain" was very good on . Two seasons. Good work. Karen
reply by the author on 09-Apr-2024
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We will see if he becomes swiss cheese or not. I have been listening to documentaries while I work. "explaining the brain" was very good on . Two seasons. Good work. Karen
Comment Written 09-Apr-2024
reply by the author on 09-Apr-2024
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Thank you, Karen, for continuing to read all my older posts that offer nothing in return. The time you spend without compensational Fan-Dollar rewards makes your efforts and kindness all the more special. I appreciate YOU more than apple pie a la mode! And that's saying a bunch for a fat boy who loves grub.
Comment from lyenochka
Man, this "drunk private investigator" is very nimble and strong to jump through the ceiling of an elevator car and then grab a ladder and hang on. I didn't know there was that much space around elevator shaft. You sure started out with a bang! (actually lots of bangs) Riveting stuff, Ric!
Question:
Thus is another example of my ever-changing priorities. (This?)
reply by the author on 21-Apr-2023
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Man, this "drunk private investigator" is very nimble and strong to jump through the ceiling of an elevator car and then grab a ladder and hang on. I didn't know there was that much space around elevator shaft. You sure started out with a bang! (actually lots of bangs) Riveting stuff, Ric!
Question:
Thus is another example of my ever-changing priorities. (This?)
Comment Written 21-Apr-2023
reply by the author on 21-Apr-2023
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Thanks, Helen, my dear, for going back to read some of my older foolishness. As you can probably tell, I'm a movie buff and I like action. The slow dragging starts to Netflix, Zulu, and Prime movies make me want to stop watching during the first few episodes before they get rolling, so I try to start my stuff with a bang. LOL. I don't know how such foolish mistakes can go undetected for so long, but I can't thank you enough for pointing it out to me. You always make me smile and want to give you a great big hug. Praise the good Lord for making people like YOU!
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I enjoyed it and you did exactly what people advise to start out with the heart of the action! Big Hugs back!
Comment from AJ McCall
This story reminds me of one of my favorite authors: Lemony Snicket. The way you describe and explain from the first-person view is amazing. Although I'm not a fan of the cursing; I personally don't think it was necessary but I really enjoy this! I'll try to read part two.
reply by the author on 03-Jul-2020
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This story reminds me of one of my favorite authors: Lemony Snicket. The way you describe and explain from the first-person view is amazing. Although I'm not a fan of the cursing; I personally don't think it was necessary but I really enjoy this! I'll try to read part two.
Comment Written 03-Jul-2020
reply by the author on 03-Jul-2020
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AJ I apologize for the cursing. I'm not a fan of bad language either. And truthfully, I think it takes more away from writing than it adds. As you will notice in most of my writing, I don't use a lot of bad language in most, and shouldn't in any. The main reason there are some stories with cursing is because a great writer was trying to help me get better. He and another woman wanted me to get out of my comfort zone since they knew I didn't like to use bad words. Thank you for all your kind words and your critique and honest thoughts. I appreciate you!
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Hmm, is that true.... maybe's he's just lying - I'm kidding! I totally understand!! But I personally wouldn't put curses in it; I'd use things like,
He swore under his breath. He cursed under his breath. But thank you for explaining! :) And you're welcome!
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I understand what you are saying, and agree. There is never a good reason to use bad language. But I also see what the people were trying to push me to do. For instance: "He swore under his breath." It tells you he said bad words. But it doesn't paint the picture of whether he is a bad person or a really bad person. If he uses inappropriate words or vulgar, nasty, disgusting words. "He curses under his breath." You know the bad words are there, but what kind. It's like being mad. But how can you ever know how mad if he says shucky darn, heck, or poo poo. The man was mean and scary looking. But he is so much more scary if: Huge, snaggletoothed, with fiery-red eyes and a jagged scar from his hairline to his chin, the streetlight gave a faint glimpse of the monster's half-hidden face in the black hoodie.
Comment from SDTracyHarper
I've been away dealing with too many things. This is outstanding work and worthy of the recognition. This first part was a great example of having a bad day. Oh, alright, a very bad day. Great description, nice pace, and excellent sarcasm from your character about his bad situation. SD
reply by the author on 09-May-2014
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I've been away dealing with too many things. This is outstanding work and worthy of the recognition. This first part was a great example of having a bad day. Oh, alright, a very bad day. Great description, nice pace, and excellent sarcasm from your character about his bad situation. SD
Comment Written 08-May-2014
reply by the author on 09-May-2014
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I was glad to receive your next chapter and see you back on FS. I had gotten so use to reading your next chapter that, when it didn't come, it was like breakfast without the eggs. Thanks so much for your comments and generous six star review. Your time and wonderful comments and encouragement are greatly appreciated. :-)
Comment from Ted T
Hi Ric :)
I'll be honest and it will sting a little.
The elements are there, but you shoot yourself in he foot right from the opening.
You're writing in first person present tense -- serious mistake. It's becoming the choice of a lot of new writers who don't have enough experience.
You're overwriting and looking for every adjective you can think of to tell your story. That's one bad error, along with that, you're doing way too much 'telling' and not enough 'showing' -- all your adjectives don't help, they clutter the narrative.
Another series of errors are starting narrative lines with ING-words, drop those immediately, they're one of the first signs of a newbie at work.
I wouldn't worry about making the piece two parts unless it's on the north side of 6,000 words.
I haven't read part two yet, but I did read most of your reviews. There's about three that make any sense, the rest are useless.
Gayle is one of the better critiques, she's being gentle with you. She hates the ING-word for opening narrative lines, but she didn't mention it.
It's your story, you can go with the flow, that's up to you. I suggest you start from scratch and write from the limited omniscient POV in third person, past tense.
Just my opinion.
Ted
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reply by the author on 19-Apr-2014
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Hi Ric :)
I'll be honest and it will sting a little.
The elements are there, but you shoot yourself in he foot right from the opening.
You're writing in first person present tense -- serious mistake. It's becoming the choice of a lot of new writers who don't have enough experience.
You're overwriting and looking for every adjective you can think of to tell your story. That's one bad error, along with that, you're doing way too much 'telling' and not enough 'showing' -- all your adjectives don't help, they clutter the narrative.
Another series of errors are starting narrative lines with ING-words, drop those immediately, they're one of the first signs of a newbie at work.
I wouldn't worry about making the piece two parts unless it's on the north side of 6,000 words.
I haven't read part two yet, but I did read most of your reviews. There's about three that make any sense, the rest are useless.
Gayle is one of the better critiques, she's being gentle with you. She hates the ING-word for opening narrative lines, but she didn't mention it.
It's your story, you can go with the flow, that's up to you. I suggest you start from scratch and write from the limited omniscient POV in third person, past tense.
Just my opinion.
Ted
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 19-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 19-Apr-2014
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Thanks for taking time to read my story. Your honest opinion and comments are greatly appreciated. Gayle got back to me and did mention the ing words. She also said she thought I should make it into a book. I really only wrote this story to work on improving my struggling first person abilities, but it appears I have lots more work to do. Thanks for your opinion. :-)
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By now you've read my review of part two, so you know where I'm coming from. If you insist on first person, use past tense, it reads much better.
However, I can't help you much with first person narrative. I've only used it a few times, but always in past tense and only in short works.
Gayle and her husband, Jeff are good people, Her company published my first SP/POD novel, "Deathmaker", the other five I published under my imprint, "Dragon Lair Books". "Return of Evil" will be the sixth "DLB" release.
BTW: CH-25 should be posted tonight or tomorrow.
Comment from Liandra
Great first chapter - I'm hooked! That poor fella, where does he go from here? I feel his frustration and fear. To be trapped inside an escalator is bad enough, but to be on top and then on a ladder, he's in his worst nightmare.
Look forward to reading more,
Liandra
reply by the author on 19-Apr-2014
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Great first chapter - I'm hooked! That poor fella, where does he go from here? I feel his frustration and fear. To be trapped inside an escalator is bad enough, but to be on top and then on a ladder, he's in his worst nightmare.
Look forward to reading more,
Liandra
Comment Written 19-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 19-Apr-2014
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Thank you so much for taking time to read my story. Your kind words and generous review are greatly appreciated. I hope you like part-2 even better and like where I take it. :-)
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You're welcome, my friend.
:) Liandra
Comment from Twilightspire
Nice. I like that you ended this part with a good enough hook to want to check out the next part. The characterization in this chapter is great, showing the protagonist in a love or hate him light. The beginning of the tale caught my interest fast and never let go throughout the piece. Great job and looking forward to the next part.
-T.J.
reply by the author on 19-Apr-2014
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Nice. I like that you ended this part with a good enough hook to want to check out the next part. The characterization in this chapter is great, showing the protagonist in a love or hate him light. The beginning of the tale caught my interest fast and never let go throughout the piece. Great job and looking forward to the next part.
-T.J.
Comment Written 19-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 19-Apr-2014
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Thanks so much for taking time to read my story. Your kind words and generous review are greatly appreciated. Part-1 is used mostly to set up part-2 and the reason I have posted them both at the same time. I hope you like the second part. :-)
Comment from lancellot
This half seems to be filled with more description and scene setting than the meat of the tale. Tale entered in at the most exciting part. That was a good idea. It caught the reader. I will move on the next part to how things turn out.
reply by the author on 19-Apr-2014
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This half seems to be filled with more description and scene setting than the meat of the tale. Tale entered in at the most exciting part. That was a good idea. It caught the reader. I will move on the next part to how things turn out.
Comment Written 19-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 19-Apr-2014
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Thank you so much, Lancellot, for taking time to read my story. Your kind words and generous review are greatly appreciated. Yes, part-1 is meant to mostly set up part two. I was trying to do more of a 40s and 50s style that leaves lot of open ends, solves a couple in part-2 at the same times it's adding more questions. :-)
Comment from Will Thomas
I was hooked from the start- Amazing description, and a ridiculously strong pace. Very well done.
"the pistol-toting dweebs looking to be a hero."
This among many lines are the incredibly needed examples of realism that is needed in such dramatic writing. it brings not only comic relief, but the readers ability to relate.
There are a couple sentences like- "I begin to climb down, placing each foot one after the other against the ladder rungs, soft and cautious being quiet and careful not to fall." Personally, I would a comma in a few different spots, such as- "I begin to climb down, placing each foot one after the other against the ladder rungs, soft and cautious, being quiet and careful not to fall." But this is just a suggestion and I think your work here needs very little improvement. Good job...
Regards;
Will Thomas
reply by the author on 19-Apr-2014
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I was hooked from the start- Amazing description, and a ridiculously strong pace. Very well done.
"the pistol-toting dweebs looking to be a hero."
This among many lines are the incredibly needed examples of realism that is needed in such dramatic writing. it brings not only comic relief, but the readers ability to relate.
There are a couple sentences like- "I begin to climb down, placing each foot one after the other against the ladder rungs, soft and cautious being quiet and careful not to fall." Personally, I would a comma in a few different spots, such as- "I begin to climb down, placing each foot one after the other against the ladder rungs, soft and cautious, being quiet and careful not to fall." But this is just a suggestion and I think your work here needs very little improvement. Good job...
Regards;
Will Thomas
Comment Written 19-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 19-Apr-2014
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Thank you so much, Will, for taking time to read my story. Your kind words and generous review are greatly appreciated. I just read a review that didn't like my added tidbits of humor, which had me rethinking it just a little, but not for long. Then, your review reaffirmed the reason I wrote it that way in the first place. I have put that darn comma in, and took it out about twenty times. LOL It really doesn't need it, but I think I finally agree with you that it makes it read easier. You've solved both of my dilemmas. Many thanks. :-)
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Awesome! Yeah, definitely keep the humor. I have often reconsidered taking out the humor in my own darker tales, and reading yours has reassured me that there are people who do enjoy it, so many thanks to you as well. And as far as that comma, I can't tell you how many times I have inserted and deleted for the same reason- Hence why I made sure to say that it was just a suggestion. It doesn't take away, nor add to the story at all. Well done again, and a very enjoyable read. If you have time, check out my story "The Madmans' Confidant" on my profile. I think you will enjoy it, we have very similar styles. I have one there called "How To Kill A Drama Queen" that is along those lines as well. But no hurry, I'm sure you know that us writers just love to promote our own work lol.. But thank you for sharing, its nice to know that there are similar authors as myself out there..
Regards:
Will Thomas
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I have twenty plus post notifications that I need to get read to be caught up. Soon as I finish, I'll read both your pieces. I like nice people, and especially those I share thoughts and ideas with, so I'm excited to read your work. :-)
Comment from ccgal1010
Absolutely amazing!
Very interesting concept! I loved how you kept a hold of the reader's attention by keeping them on the edge of their seats.
reply by the author on 19-Apr-2014
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Absolutely amazing!
Very interesting concept! I loved how you kept a hold of the reader's attention by keeping them on the edge of their seats.
Comment Written 19-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 19-Apr-2014
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Thank you so much for taking time to read of my story. Your kind words and generous review are greatly appreciated. Part-1 is used to set up part-2, which is posted now, and will tie it all together. I hope you like where it goes. Your wonderful view makes my weekend. :-)
