Yosemite
Viewing comments for Chapter 29 "New Friends & Who's The Enemy"Acts of war have plunged Earth into catastrophe.
18 total reviews
Comment from Michaelk
So the soldiers had a dream squad deployed with them. That seems pretty preditated. Like they were meant to sabotage any resistance, even from friendlies. Did the earth really shift? How would they know? Who is the real enemy? This story just keeps getting better.
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So the soldiers had a dream squad deployed with them. That seems pretty preditated. Like they were meant to sabotage any resistance, even from friendlies. Did the earth really shift? How would they know? Who is the real enemy? This story just keeps getting better.
Comment Written 28-Mar-2014
Comment from GracieAnn
Mikey, this is coming together piece by piece. It has a high air of suspense and mystery. The enemy underestimated some clear thinkers. If it is aliens or ultra techno elitists, everyone loves it when the underdog wins. Good direction. typo? "don't a muscle". "It Occurred" no capital O. :0 GracieAnn
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Mikey, this is coming together piece by piece. It has a high air of suspense and mystery. The enemy underestimated some clear thinkers. If it is aliens or ultra techno elitists, everyone loves it when the underdog wins. Good direction. typo? "don't a muscle". "It Occurred" no capital O. :0 GracieAnn
Comment Written 26-Mar-2014
Comment from Sankey
ANother good chapter more friends getting on board. Wondering where it is all going, mate.
One one spag I think??? ....Look at these men and woma(e?)n, Johnny.
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ANother good chapter more friends getting on board. Wondering where it is all going, mate.
One one spag I think??? ....Look at these men and woma(e?)n, Johnny.
Comment Written 26-Mar-2014
Comment from l.raven
Ok now the new soldiers are our friends...and telling their stories...but what's to come ???...ok!! let me go read your next write...this is well written Michael...don't know how you think of all this and put it in place...later sweets...Luff Linda xxoo hugs
reply by the author on 26-Mar-2014
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Ok now the new soldiers are our friends...and telling their stories...but what's to come ???...ok!! let me go read your next write...this is well written Michael...don't know how you think of all this and put it in place...later sweets...Luff Linda xxoo hugs
Comment Written 26-Mar-2014
reply by the author on 26-Mar-2014
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Wait till you see the crazy twist I added to the next chapter. What was I thinking! HAhaha. If I miss answering any of your reviews I'm sorry. I'm buried!! I read and appreciate every single word. believe me. Trying to catch up. Going backwards. mikey
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Don't worry about the reviews Michael...I know your there in spirit ...can't wait to see...off to read...Luff xxoo
Comment from Taffspride
I know I am going to have to go back to read previous chapters to catch up. Your story has already captured my interest.
I have a couple of suggestions.
The first paragraph does not read smoothly, which is a shame since it has a lot of action and takes the story forward.
They had laid there weapons down (should be their weapons)
I realize I need to get more into the story, but I got a little confused in the first paragraph.
Was some-one watching Carlos, and was the message the dialogue. You might consider breaking it up into two shorter paragraphs
Damn, Carlos. What the hell are you doing? (this sentence seems wrong, is it dialog or thoughts, if the latter you might consider putting them in italics.)
For me the reader this was the most confusing.
As they arrived at the point where the troops were, three of them jumped out with rifles aimed at them. Carlos and the others didn't move.
You might consider saying As Carlos and his men arrived...
three men jumped out from behind rocks/bushes/trees, with rifles aimed. The startled soldiers did not move.
Or even use dialog to tell the story. Something like
"Halt, don't take another step, or we will shoot" three men with rifles... etc
That is a little trite, I know but I am sure you get the picture.
It Occurred (occurred)
Over thrown. (overthrown)
We have found out who is not the enemy. Those that are not our enemy are our allies. (We have discovered who is not the enemy, and they are our allies.)
Look at these men and woman, Johnny. ( and this woman Johnny. delete the comma after woman)
Great story Michael, I am looking forward to reading more.
Iechyd da
Ann
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 26-Mar-2014
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I know I am going to have to go back to read previous chapters to catch up. Your story has already captured my interest.
I have a couple of suggestions.
The first paragraph does not read smoothly, which is a shame since it has a lot of action and takes the story forward.
They had laid there weapons down (should be their weapons)
I realize I need to get more into the story, but I got a little confused in the first paragraph.
Was some-one watching Carlos, and was the message the dialogue. You might consider breaking it up into two shorter paragraphs
Damn, Carlos. What the hell are you doing? (this sentence seems wrong, is it dialog or thoughts, if the latter you might consider putting them in italics.)
For me the reader this was the most confusing.
As they arrived at the point where the troops were, three of them jumped out with rifles aimed at them. Carlos and the others didn't move.
You might consider saying As Carlos and his men arrived...
three men jumped out from behind rocks/bushes/trees, with rifles aimed. The startled soldiers did not move.
Or even use dialog to tell the story. Something like
"Halt, don't take another step, or we will shoot" three men with rifles... etc
That is a little trite, I know but I am sure you get the picture.
It Occurred (occurred)
Over thrown. (overthrown)
We have found out who is not the enemy. Those that are not our enemy are our allies. (We have discovered who is not the enemy, and they are our allies.)
Look at these men and woman, Johnny. ( and this woman Johnny. delete the comma after woman)
Great story Michael, I am looking forward to reading more.
Iechyd da
Ann
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 25-Mar-2014
reply by the author on 26-Mar-2014
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Hi. I have this copied in Word and printed. I am hopelessly behind in responses so I don't want to say thank you and have you think I'm not paying attention!! WONDERFUL advice and I love examples. I honestly don't get it without seeing it! I do have one question. The last sentence, "Look at these men and women, Johnny. (caught woman/women this time) I have been told a million times that a comma goes before addressing someone. Adewpearl catches me all the time! Maybe the wording isn't clear that I'm addressing Johnny? In any case, thank you so much. I will get to work. mikey
Comment from ravenblack
A crack unit of dream soldiers? Looks like pretty soon you are going to be getting in the realms of Science Fiction. Just please don't have the dream weavers be Al Qaeda. That is way too advanced for that lot. Don't a muscle- don't move a muscle?
reply by the author on 26-Mar-2014
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A crack unit of dream soldiers? Looks like pretty soon you are going to be getting in the realms of Science Fiction. Just please don't have the dream weavers be Al Qaeda. That is way too advanced for that lot. Don't a muscle- don't move a muscle?
Comment Written 25-Mar-2014
reply by the author on 26-Mar-2014
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Yeah. I've got to watch what I say. I don't want to go sci fi. Maybe just a touch of something that stimulates something in the brain that is already there. My real life Christine has some very unusual abilities. Al Qaeda won't be around. That's just wild speculation and misinformation. Wait till you see the insane thing I came up with for the next chapter. Hahaha. It's like a mental condition. Damn!
Comment from ragamuffin
The story is unfolding at a good pace, interesting one as well... though I have been known a time or two to skip to the end of a book to see what happens then go back and finish reading. I think this is one story, if I could do that, I would. You've got my curiosity quite peaked.
reply by the author on 26-Mar-2014
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The story is unfolding at a good pace, interesting one as well... though I have been known a time or two to skip to the end of a book to see what happens then go back and finish reading. I think this is one story, if I could do that, I would. You've got my curiosity quite peaked.
Comment Written 25-Mar-2014
reply by the author on 26-Mar-2014
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Hi, So pleased you are enjoying this. I am way behind in responses. I just want to make sure you know that I am reading and appreciating every word of your reviews. I am just buried. I jumped ahead to let you know I am out here and listening. Thank you so much, mikey
Comment from Sasha
Very nice work with this one. You really give the reader plenty to think about. The dreams are actually scary and not knowing where they are coming from even scarier. I found one small nit:
I signaled my people "don't a muscle"....I think you left out a word here, "Don't move a muscle."...
reply by the author on 26-Mar-2014
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Very nice work with this one. You really give the reader plenty to think about. The dreams are actually scary and not knowing where they are coming from even scarier. I found one small nit:
I signaled my people "don't a muscle"....I think you left out a word here, "Don't move a muscle."...
Comment Written 25-Mar-2014
reply by the author on 26-Mar-2014
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Oh. I'll fix that. I have to figure out where the dreams are coming from or how they are being stimulated. I do something crazy in the next chapter. Wheeee! mikey
Comment from Phyllis Stewart
So now it's Al Qaeda and the Russians are friendly or should be? Then why were they about to execute the ones they captured?
Al Qaeda is not advanced enough to invent anything ... they get all their weapons from others. So there's no way they invented a mind weapon.
If this enemy implanted dreams why did Christine has the same dream as a child? They didn't implant that one.
This is what happpens when you just play it by ear and go off into the story having no idea at all where it's going. That's fine, but when you introduce something new, you have to have a way out of it... no loose ends.
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So now it's Al Qaeda and the Russians are friendly or should be? Then why were they about to execute the ones they captured?
Al Qaeda is not advanced enough to invent anything ... they get all their weapons from others. So there's no way they invented a mind weapon.
If this enemy implanted dreams why did Christine has the same dream as a child? They didn't implant that one.
This is what happpens when you just play it by ear and go off into the story having no idea at all where it's going. That's fine, but when you introduce something new, you have to have a way out of it... no loose ends.
Comment Written 25-Mar-2014
Comment from Nosha17
The story is developing along nicely, at least your numbers have increased to aid you in time of attack or whatever. Good to have a few new characters. Well-written with good action and dialogue. Faye
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The story is developing along nicely, at least your numbers have increased to aid you in time of attack or whatever. Good to have a few new characters. Well-written with good action and dialogue. Faye
Comment Written 25-Mar-2014
