Dead End
An apocalyptic tale about a lonely man and his dog...18 total reviews
Comment from Saengard
Awesome, with minor critiques. The paragraph starting with 'He'd pushed the prison's bus as far as he could...' began to get stilted and awkward with the sentence structure. A few less periods, some commas and rework the sentence 'Everyone who knew such things was'. Grammatically correct or not, it sounds awkward on the ears and takes away from the story. Great work! Loved the immediacy and great imagery!
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reply by the author on 27-Aug-2014
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Awesome, with minor critiques. The paragraph starting with 'He'd pushed the prison's bus as far as he could...' began to get stilted and awkward with the sentence structure. A few less periods, some commas and rework the sentence 'Everyone who knew such things was'. Grammatically correct or not, it sounds awkward on the ears and takes away from the story. Great work! Loved the immediacy and great imagery!
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 27-Aug-2014
reply by the author on 27-Aug-2014
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Thanks, Saengard, and I appreciate the awesome feedback I like it when readers tell me what worked and what did not for them. It only serves to help me get better the next go-round...
Much obliged.
Comment from Bill Schott
Loved the whole storyline. The mix of headline weather and cosmos manipulations worked well. The dog attack in the end and the sound of more Jeff- eaters was choice. The grahic was super cool as well.
reply by the author on 09-Mar-2014
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Loved the whole storyline. The mix of headline weather and cosmos manipulations worked well. The dog attack in the end and the sound of more Jeff- eaters was choice. The grahic was super cool as well.
Comment Written 08-Mar-2014
reply by the author on 09-Mar-2014
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Thanks Bill, I really appreciate that! I really glad that you liked this one.
Comment from emrpoems
Turn this into a novel and it could be a best seller.
Reminds me Hotel and also The President if I remember the names correctly. Always admire your writing this is no exception.
Very well written. Congratulations on a well deserved win
reply by the author on 08-Mar-2014
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Turn this into a novel and it could be a best seller.
Reminds me Hotel and also The President if I remember the names correctly. Always admire your writing this is no exception.
Very well written. Congratulations on a well deserved win
Comment Written 07-Mar-2014
reply by the author on 08-Mar-2014
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Thanks very much, emrpoems, that's a very nice thing to say. I really admire your talent as well, my friend.
Comment from Dashjianta
A grim view of an apocalyptic future. Jeff's summary for its cause stop the explanation getting too complex or boring. He comes across as determined, but someone who tends to look expect the worst - pushing on despite imagining everyone else is already did.
Didn't expect the dog to turn on him at the end - was wondering if he would eat the dog.
Just a couple of suggestions:
The opening line felt a bit too long for me. No suggestion on how to trim it though. Sorry.
Also, in the third form last paragraph, you repeat spectacular - it stands out because its not a commonly used word, and the repetition takes away from its impact.
reply by the author on 07-Mar-2014
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A grim view of an apocalyptic future. Jeff's summary for its cause stop the explanation getting too complex or boring. He comes across as determined, but someone who tends to look expect the worst - pushing on despite imagining everyone else is already did.
Didn't expect the dog to turn on him at the end - was wondering if he would eat the dog.
Just a couple of suggestions:
The opening line felt a bit too long for me. No suggestion on how to trim it though. Sorry.
Also, in the third form last paragraph, you repeat spectacular - it stands out because its not a commonly used word, and the repetition takes away from its impact.
Comment Written 07-Mar-2014
reply by the author on 07-Mar-2014
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Thank you very much for the excellent feedback, Dashjianta. I appreciate that. I will do what I can to implement your suggestions as well.
Thanks again!
Comment from Sylvia Page
This story is quite believable. I suppose if there's going to be mass destruction like it did the dinosaurs, your theory is a genuine possibility. The world will never come to an end, but living creatures can become extinct. Only God's chosen will survive a sort of ethnic cleansing maybe?
Best wishes in the contest.
Sylvia
reply by the author on 07-Mar-2014
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This story is quite believable. I suppose if there's going to be mass destruction like it did the dinosaurs, your theory is a genuine possibility. The world will never come to an end, but living creatures can become extinct. Only God's chosen will survive a sort of ethnic cleansing maybe?
Best wishes in the contest.
Sylvia
Comment Written 07-Mar-2014
reply by the author on 07-Mar-2014
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Hey, I am really glad you liked it, Sylvia. I appreciate your kind comments and the excellent review. Much obliged!
Comment from Phyllis Stewart
Excellent story! Very entertaining and gripping all the way thru. Love the shocking twist at the end, just what good flash fiction should have. I cast my vote for you earlier to day, but just got around to reviewing. :)
reply by the author on 07-Mar-2014
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Excellent story! Very entertaining and gripping all the way thru. Love the shocking twist at the end, just what good flash fiction should have. I cast my vote for you earlier to day, but just got around to reviewing. :)
Comment Written 07-Mar-2014
reply by the author on 07-Mar-2014
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Thank you very much, Phyllis. I'm glad you liked this one! That twist I rewrote into the story at the last minute. I felt it was too passe the way I'd originally written it. It nearly cost me getting it in on time. WHEW!
I appreciate your kind review.
Comment from w.j.debi
Nice twist at the end. I wasn't expecting that, but it certainly makes sense if you think about it. Smaller animals survived when dinosaurs didn't, so who knows which animals will use their cunning to the best advantage the next time. Best of luck in the contest.
reply by the author on 06-Mar-2014
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Nice twist at the end. I wasn't expecting that, but it certainly makes sense if you think about it. Smaller animals survived when dinosaurs didn't, so who knows which animals will use their cunning to the best advantage the next time. Best of luck in the contest.
Comment Written 06-Mar-2014
reply by the author on 06-Mar-2014
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Thanks for the positive feedback, Debi. I really appreciate it!
Comment from Michaelk
Wow! Excellent story. Excellent ending. You really caught me by surprise. I thought this was going to be a story that could have continued with the main character. It was the wounded leg that got me (and Jeff). I just didn't see it coming from an injured animal. Great visuals, great descriptions. Altogether excellent.
reply by the author on 06-Mar-2014
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Wow! Excellent story. Excellent ending. You really caught me by surprise. I thought this was going to be a story that could have continued with the main character. It was the wounded leg that got me (and Jeff). I just didn't see it coming from an injured animal. Great visuals, great descriptions. Altogether excellent.
Comment Written 06-Mar-2014
reply by the author on 06-Mar-2014
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Thanks for such an enthusiastic review, Michaelk. I'm really glad that you enjoyed it, my friend!
Comment from DonandVicki
A very engaging and scary piece of science fiction. Your story development keeps the readers attention held all the way through. Don and Vicki
reply by the author on 06-Mar-2014
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A very engaging and scary piece of science fiction. Your story development keeps the readers attention held all the way through. Don and Vicki
Comment Written 06-Mar-2014
reply by the author on 06-Mar-2014
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Thank you, Don. I appreciate the read as well as your kind comments. Much obliged!
Comment from RodG
I was hooked from the start and you kept me throughout. What really impressed me was your description of the CAUSE(S) of all this mayhem. Very realistic. I also like the fact your protagonist is a prisoner who manages to escape. We do root for him because he's on his own. The chilling ending is stark and believable. Good description of the storm. Very well done.
reply by the author on 06-Mar-2014
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I was hooked from the start and you kept me throughout. What really impressed me was your description of the CAUSE(S) of all this mayhem. Very realistic. I also like the fact your protagonist is a prisoner who manages to escape. We do root for him because he's on his own. The chilling ending is stark and believable. Good description of the storm. Very well done.
Comment Written 06-Mar-2014
reply by the author on 06-Mar-2014
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Thanks very much, Rod! I really appreciate your enthusiastic response, my friend. I'm also very glad you liked it.
