Yosemite
Viewing comments for Chapter 10 "Drug Free & Needing Them"Acts of war have plunged Earth into catastrophe.
19 total reviews
Comment from Tatarka2
You're really doing a great job of developing the characters and the backstory here, I think. As I said before, I'd reconsider the bow-and-arrow theme. Too close to "Hunger Games," when in fact this story has its own mystery and fast pace. The descriptions of the mental patients were especially good, I thought, as was the way the "staff" seemed to evaluate the possibility of killing them. My suggestion would be, again, to put the murder closer to the end of the food supply, and to let the reader learn about Johnny through things he does, rather than his self-reflection.
reply by the author on 08-Mar-2014
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You're really doing a great job of developing the characters and the backstory here, I think. As I said before, I'd reconsider the bow-and-arrow theme. Too close to "Hunger Games," when in fact this story has its own mystery and fast pace. The descriptions of the mental patients were especially good, I thought, as was the way the "staff" seemed to evaluate the possibility of killing them. My suggestion would be, again, to put the murder closer to the end of the food supply, and to let the reader learn about Johnny through things he does, rather than his self-reflection.
Comment Written 08-Mar-2014
reply by the author on 08-Mar-2014
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Glad you liked the client descriptions, they're somewhat based on reality. Good advice about Johnny. More actions and less thought bubbles. I'll keep that in mind. Thanks again, mikey
Comment from nordicgirl
You always surprise. A great quality. The style is always a great read and worth it for that alone. But you never know what might show up out of the blue with you. Sometimes an amazing image or poetic line other timrs a laugh out loud remark. You are fun to read!! NG
reply by the author on 08-Mar-2014
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You always surprise. A great quality. The style is always a great read and worth it for that alone. But you never know what might show up out of the blue with you. Sometimes an amazing image or poetic line other timrs a laugh out loud remark. You are fun to read!! NG
Comment Written 08-Mar-2014
reply by the author on 08-Mar-2014
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What a wonderful compliment. Thank you, mikey
Comment from Sasha
Excellent chapter. Great descriptions and a horrific decision to be made. None of us really knows what we would do in a situation like this and I pray we never find out. The thought of killing someone to survive is understandable but I must be honest, it is very disturbing too.
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Excellent chapter. Great descriptions and a horrific decision to be made. None of us really knows what we would do in a situation like this and I pray we never find out. The thought of killing someone to survive is understandable but I must be honest, it is very disturbing too.
Comment Written 07-Mar-2014
Comment from Michaelk
Another solid chapter. I'm surprised at the ease with which they are speaking of the deaths of their companions. I said a couple chapters ago that they were beginning to lose a grip on their humanity and becoming more feral. I had an idea for a future chapter. What about a rainstorm? Wouldn't rain freak these survivors out, because they don't know what deadly chemicals are in the rain. I think it could even be comical watching them dive for cover, trying to stay away from the big bad raindrops.
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Another solid chapter. I'm surprised at the ease with which they are speaking of the deaths of their companions. I said a couple chapters ago that they were beginning to lose a grip on their humanity and becoming more feral. I had an idea for a future chapter. What about a rainstorm? Wouldn't rain freak these survivors out, because they don't know what deadly chemicals are in the rain. I think it could even be comical watching them dive for cover, trying to stay away from the big bad raindrops.
Comment Written 07-Mar-2014
Comment from l.raven
HI Michael, Let's not kill anyone...that's to sad...and yes you can count on Linda...by the way I can shoot a mean arrow myself...pop taught me...very well done you...keep it coming...Luff ya Linda xxoo
reply by the author on 06-Mar-2014
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HI Michael, Let's not kill anyone...that's to sad...and yes you can count on Linda...by the way I can shoot a mean arrow myself...pop taught me...very well done you...keep it coming...Luff ya Linda xxoo
Comment Written 06-Mar-2014
reply by the author on 06-Mar-2014
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I have to kill some people. But, I won't kill Linda. I'll try to keep the cool people alive. No wonder Linda is so good with the bow and arrow! mikey
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LMAO!!! OK!!! A few...lol...Love that Linda xxooLOL...
Comment from Marillion
This kind of decision is/was inevitable, especially because of dwindling resources and quality, or lack thereof, of life, which is nothing for them when the meds are gone. I guess the imposter, David, isn't long for the word, as well as the other patients.
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This kind of decision is/was inevitable, especially because of dwindling resources and quality, or lack thereof, of life, which is nothing for them when the meds are gone. I guess the imposter, David, isn't long for the word, as well as the other patients.
Comment Written 06-Mar-2014
Comment from Sankey
Amazing I am still here! perhaps there is some light at the end of the tunnel as my old mate once said as long as it isn't a train ha! I am not gone yet for some really weird reasons.
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Amazing I am still here! perhaps there is some light at the end of the tunnel as my old mate once said as long as it isn't a train ha! I am not gone yet for some really weird reasons.
Comment Written 06-Mar-2014
Comment from Rosalyne
Hi, Mikey.
You are building the tension and showing the break down of human behaviour. Toonies is an interesting character, and in ways being taken advantage of in her vulnerable state.
My one comment is to let the characters personalities come out through action as you've done, but also using dialogue.
You've upped the tension and the story is moving along nicely.
Bye
Rosalyne :)
reply by the author on 06-Mar-2014
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Hi, Mikey.
You are building the tension and showing the break down of human behaviour. Toonies is an interesting character, and in ways being taken advantage of in her vulnerable state.
My one comment is to let the characters personalities come out through action as you've done, but also using dialogue.
You've upped the tension and the story is moving along nicely.
Bye
Rosalyne :)
Comment Written 06-Mar-2014
reply by the author on 06-Mar-2014
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Glad you are liking this. I appreciate the good advice. I have found it to be a big plus when I'm writing. I see a difference. Thank you very much, mikey
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Hi, Mikey.
My pleasure. I'm really enjoying your story! Keep going!
Bye
Rosalyne :)
Comment from 24chas
I think what I really like about this story is the realism. I think you've nailed all of the characters with their flaws, their strengths, their weaknesses just like would happen in real life if this occured. Nice job, mikey.
reply by the author on 06-Mar-2014
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I think what I really like about this story is the realism. I think you've nailed all of the characters with their flaws, their strengths, their weaknesses just like would happen in real life if this occured. Nice job, mikey.
Comment Written 06-Mar-2014
reply by the author on 06-Mar-2014
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That is so good to hear. I'm really trying to place myself there and get a feel for what would actually happen. thank you, mikey
Comment from Phyllis Stewart
Good chapter, Mikey, aside from the spag. Great that they found a stash of weapons! I like the honesty and practicality in admitting that some need to be eliminated. In the paragraph where Linda first says that, you neglected to let us know who was speaking until the NEXT paragraph.
>> Tonnies sexual escapades
TONNIE'S, with an apostrophe.
>> infinitely happier then we.
THAN we, with an A
>> hearing voices but, they seemed
Misplaced comma... should be in front of BUT, not after
>> Carlos our former boss was
Needs commas
Carlos, our former boss, was
That's all I will point out. As I recall, you don't bother to make corrections anyway.
reply by the author on 06-Mar-2014
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Good chapter, Mikey, aside from the spag. Great that they found a stash of weapons! I like the honesty and practicality in admitting that some need to be eliminated. In the paragraph where Linda first says that, you neglected to let us know who was speaking until the NEXT paragraph.
>> Tonnies sexual escapades
TONNIE'S, with an apostrophe.
>> infinitely happier then we.
THAN we, with an A
>> hearing voices but, they seemed
Misplaced comma... should be in front of BUT, not after
>> Carlos our former boss was
Needs commas
Carlos, our former boss, was
That's all I will point out. As I recall, you don't bother to make corrections anyway.
Comment Written 06-Mar-2014
reply by the author on 06-Mar-2014
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I do make the corrections eventually. I copy and paste the really helpful reviews like this in word and print them out. Then I have a little file ready for editing time. I was correcting right away, but then I became so buried that I can't see straight! But, I will. I appreciate you pointing out that it is confusing knowing who is speaking. That is an ongoing problem that I'm working on. I'm trying to avoid he said/she said, but I'm not quite achieving what I set out to do. Thanks for all the help. It is most appreciated. mikey
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Okay... good to know. You can avoid dialogue tags (he said, etc) by using action tags instead. For example...
Linda picked up a stray arrow. "blah blah blah
Linda shook her head. "blah blah blah
Linda's face knotted up. "blah blah blah
Action tags also help to put the reader into the scene, for it keeps us in touch with what the characters are doing as they talk. Body language can be here, or simple, fitting actions. Make it more "real" and solves the problem of who said what when you have more than two conversants.
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Oh, that is perfect. I wonder why my brain can't see something like that. Hahaha. When you point it out it seems so obvious, but I sit there staring at the screen for hours. mikey
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Glad I could help. :)
