Comment from Anthony Crosbie

Exceptional

Hi Sandra. I really like this and think the change of style works very well. I always love the warmth and heart you show in your writing - it allows the reader to feel part of the story and grow close to the characters. It's a skill that comes naturally to you. Tony x

 Comment Written 11-Jan-2014

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reply by the author on 11-Jan-2014

Hi Tony! Lovely to see you on here again, how is your book coming along? I have been waiting to hear from you to say it's out there now. Thank you so very much for your wonderful review on my Bodger story, you have said some lovely things, I will have to watch this head of mine!! LOL. Thank you big time for the 6 stars as well, my dear friend. xsx Sandra. ps, how did you cope with the flooding in your area? xx

reply by Anthony Crosbie on 12-Jan-2014

Hi Sandra. It's been a crazy few months with work and kids. I'm concentrating on writing a chapter book this year, but as yet I've nothing to post. My PB is coming along nicely. The illustrator has started work on it so I'm thinking about a Spring release. Huge congrats on the success of your books. You're leading the way and showing us all how it's done! Thankfully, the flooding didn't affect us. Some of the images have been horrendous. Keep up the great work. Tony x ps 800 sales pre Christmas is incredible. Well done!!

Comment from Selina Stambi

Excellent

Love the alliterative names of Bodger's friends, especially Vicky the Vole ... she sounds like quite a cutie!

he needed them desperately ... great phrase - adds intensity to poor Bodger's situation!


Reggie twiddled with his whiskers as he thought about .. cute!


My dear Sandra,

Oh, how I adore your critters! This is such a delightful little piece. It takes a special adult to speak with a child's voice directly into a child's heart (I was a kindergarten/elementary school teacher in a past life) and you are one of them.

Such a lovely, feel good tale of loyalty, friendship and dreams come true!

Hugs to you, my sweet friend - and well done!

xxx

Sonali :) :) (Still smiling in the 'afterglow'!)


It was time to start building a new dam and (enter) the Best Beaver's Dam Contest

They had been stripped of their bark and (had been) cleaned and stacked neatly; . ... suggest: They had been stripped of their bark and cleaned and stacked neatly (drop the second had been)

it looked as if they had been made ready for something ... suggest: ... you've used looked twice already in direct succession, just before .... it seemed that they had been made ready ... perhaps?

Reggie the Rat went over(,) (and - drop this) picked them up(,- remove) and took them over to him.

Millie went over and put her (arm) around him ... I know a mouse has four legs - put her leg around him would be odd ... I guess 'arm' would work here ...just thinking out loud, Sandra!!

I try so hard (every year), but I just can't build one .. suggest: I try so hard each time ... you've used every year just prior (to avoid repetition)

All I want to do is build the best one to show them all I am not (stupid)." (suggest: drop the second 'stupid' - repletion)

p.s. I smiled when I read the word 'stupid' ... inkindergarten circles in Canada, for some reason, it's considered a 'bad' word!

"None of us (has) (ever) made one before

Building a Dam/ Judges .. sub-titles? A different font/ underline, perhaps?

it(')s teamwork.

Well(,) this time you do have

but by the time he was back(,) he saw the others had all been busy

(The) (ne)ext day, down at the Beavers(') Hall

deliberately keeping them waiting(,) to build up the drama.

Bodger tried hard to (sink) down out of sight

He just could not believe it(.) (W)as it a dream?

He pinched himself(.) (N)o, it wasn't a dream.

He turned (a)round and saw his friends

 Comment Written 06-Jan-2014

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reply by the author on 06-Jan-2014

My dear Sonali! Thank you! I have made the corrections, and it does sound better now. I must remember to check the words I have already used and stop using them again in the same paragraph. Thank you, you are such a lovely person and such a lovely friend. I am really pleased you enjoyed it! :) Sandra

Comment from mroberts

Excellent

The message of perserverance and teamwork comes through loud and clear. Bodger is a wonderful character that children can relate to from beginning to end. The dialogue works well to move the story along and also to reveal Bodger's personality. I could visualize each scene clearly. Well done.

 Comment Written 06-Jan-2014

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reply by the author on 06-Jan-2014

Thank you so very much for your lovely review! I am really pleased you enjoyed it. :) Sandra

Comment from Treischel

Excellent

I loved this story! It gave a very fine message of diversity, friendship, and teamwork. It also has another message about name calling and self- esteem.

 Comment Written 05-Jan-2014

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reply by the author on 05-Jan-2014

Thank you, Tom, that is so nice of you to say those things. I am hoping this one will be received as well as the Christmas one was. Thank you again, Tom, you are always so encouraging. :) Sandra

Comment from jmdg1954

Excellent

I found this a fun read for me. I'm an aspiring children's book writer. Still learning as I go along. I like the animal charectors (I also have animals that come to life) and the interaction with a developing friendship.
Nicely done... John

 Comment Written 05-Jan-2014

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reply by the author on 05-Jan-2014

Thank you so much, John, for your lovely review. Have you put any on here? Have I read any? I must have a look. I love writing for children, my Hedgerow Christmas story sold nearly 1000 copies from the Kindle store in December, that was amazing, so I am working harder than ever to get more out. It took a long time, but it is so worth it. I wish you much success in your venture, and never, never give up. xsx Sandra

reply by jmdg1954 on 05-Jan-2014

My latest post "The Adventure of Timmy Turtle" is still paying points/member dollars if you want to take a look. I don't believe you stopped by on this one. Thank you Sandra

Comment from adewpearl

Excellent

building a new dam, and entering - I would delete the comma
the water had poured through and took - had poured through and taken
You work in back story well in explaining his motivation to win
Excellent dialogue as the friends discover the beaver and offer their friendship and help in building his dam
I like the upbeat closing :-) Brooke

 Comment Written 04-Jan-2014

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reply by the author on 05-Jan-2014

Thank you so much, Brooke, I have corrected those errors. I am afraid spags let me down at the beginning, I was so cocky, thinking I now knew it all, I didn't go over it. Then my review from Phyllis came in. Hmm, out came my lesson sheets from you, and three hours later my spags were sorted. Hmmm, not at all, I was still picked up, so back I went again. I had this dreadful worry you would read it and think I had wasted yours and my time. And I still have errors!! The one thing about reviews, you learn very quickly you are NOT perfect, I still have lots to learn, but each time I am picked up it makes me revise and learn. I am really pleased you like the story though, thank you so much, Brooke. One day I will be a credit to you! :) Sandra

Comment from Jim Lorson Sr

Excellent

Sandra, I remember this story that you had presented to us in a rhyming story/poem. This is a very heartwarming story that you have expanded into this format. I love your hedgerow characters because they are so friendly, concerning and they rely on one another. Great piece of writing. Much love coming your way from me,,,,,,,Jim xxx

 Comment Written 04-Jan-2014

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reply by the author on 05-Jan-2014

Thank you so much, my special friend. I am so pleased you enjoyed this version. The one good thing about not writing stories in rhyme is, you have more scope, you don't have to syllable count and find the correct rhyming word. I bit like you with the Cody and Alex stories, but even then you have to work at it to get the right amount of words per line. I have to admit though, I do prefer to write poetry, but needed to stretch myself. I remembered you saying that once, and you are right. I hope you are well, Jim, and had a great New Years Eve. Love you always, Sandra.

Comment from allborn66

Excellent

This is a very cute story. I like the format. I think it will be a wonderful children's story with illustrations. Barbara

 Comment Written 04-Jan-2014

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reply by the author on 05-Jan-2014

Thank you so much, Barbara, that is so kind of you! :) Sandra

Comment from humpwhistle

Excellent

This is a fine, gentle story that kids should eat up.
Beavers are both cute and somewhat exotic to kids of a certain age. Bodger's problems are those a kid can relate to--finding his or her place with a limited society.
I see that others have already pointed out dreaded SPAG.
C'mon, Sandra, you're setting a bad example for the little ones (kidding!). The strength of your story is its heart.

I have to suggest that if I wrote a story full of beavers and dams, people would take entirely the wrong way.

Good stuff, friend.

Peace, Lee

 Comment Written 04-Jan-2014

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reply by the author on 04-Jan-2014

Oh dear, Lee, it was bad, wasn't it. I have just spent the last two hours going over it and I am sure I will have missed some. I get so carried away when I write. I must learn to edit, edit and then edit again! Thank you for being such a kind friend and not blasting me off!! I'm glad you liked the actual story, though, thank you for that! (Have I made any spags in this reply? I am going to be paranoid now! LOL) Thank you Lee. xsx Sandra

reply by humpwhistle on 04-Jan-2014

Hey, a bad story is bad. But a good story with a few glitches is a . . . good story.
You should see my stories when rama devi gets through with them. I tend to edit 'til I'm crosseyed, then post and re-edit as the reviews come in.

Hey, if I didn't make kistakes, how would anyone know I'm mortal? L

Comment from Phyllis Stewart

Excellent

Sandra, as usual, your characters are adorable and have personalities. The story would be a hit with kids; however, it bothers me that the lesson in this story is that it's okay to cheat. Bodger did not build the dam himself.

Tons of errors, I'm afraid. I stopped mentioning them after the first section. You really need to look online for rules of correct comma usuage and sentence structure. I'm sure you use an editor for your books. You can learn from looking at what she did with your published work.

I'm rating this five stars, since I know everyone will like it and won't notice what an English teacher does. I stopped giving fewer than five stars, since it just irritates people, and the stars are stupid anyway. No one pays attention to them.

>> entering the[,] 'Best Beaver's Dam Contest',

Remove that comma. I don't like to see single quotes in kids' books. They LEARN to use the traditional double quote in school, and it's easier to read, also.

>> poured through[,] and took lots of his twigs

Remove that comma, since there is not a second indepedent clause.

>>beavers' jealous

BEAVERS does not have an apostrophe...it's just a plural, not possessive.

>> Bodger was frantic, what could he do?

Punctuation error...try one of these:

Bodger was frantic-- what could he do?

Bodger was frantic; what could he do?

Bodger was frantic. What could he do?

>> Bodger was a very scared beaver, he was frightened of everyone.

Punctuation again. Try one of these:

Bodger was a very scared beaver, frightened of everyone.

Bodger was a very scared beaver; he was frightened of everyone.

>> "He must be near-by,"

NEARBY is one word in the USA.

>> I would think he is building his dam, it's that time of year.

Needs semi-colon or full stop:

I would think he is building his dam; it's that time of year.

I would think he is building his dam. It's that time of year.

>> ... Bodger staring up at them, he looked very frightened.

Comma won't handle this. Make that TWO sentences, not one.

>> Every year the beavers' have a contest

BEAVERS, no apostrophe

>> laugh at me, and tell me I am stupid

Remove comma.

>> He looked up, his eyes were glistening with tears

Punctuation wrong again. Best solution is to remove the word WERE.

He looked up, his eyes glistening with tears

>> "We will all help you, won't we everyone?"

That is two sentences, not one, and you need a comma before EVERYONE.

"We will all help you. Won't we, everyone?"

>> Beavers Hall

This time you DO need the apostrophe, since it's the hall OF the beavers (possessive):

Beavers' Hall

I had to stop trying to correct since there are so many errors of the same types. I read the rest but ignored the mistakes. I suggest you read my two posts called Grammar Rules 1 and 2, which are chapters 17 and 18 in my book "Out of My Mind" at
http://www.fanstory.com/chapterdetails.jsp?id=27610

 Comment Written 03-Jan-2014

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reply by the author on 04-Jan-2014

Hi Phyllis, thank you for your thorough review, I will be printing it off and sorting the whole story out. It does get a line my line edit when Carol, who edits my work, has it in her hands. Bodger wasn't cheating, beavers family and friends work together to build the dams, that really happens, they can't build them on their own. Bodger didn't have any family, he was totally on his own so when the gang offered to help him, it was quite within the rules. I will print off your Grammar Rules and tidy those awful mistakes. Thank you so much for reading the story. xsx Sandra

reply by Phyllis Stewart on 04-Jan-2014

Ohhh...well, in that case, ignore that remark... it's just fine. If he was expected to have other beavers to help, that's a verrry different thing. I must have missed that, or maybe you could emphasize that beavers always work together as teams, and that the prize goes to the best TEAM. By saying the best DAM and that he had to make one... well, made it sound like THE beaver got the prize, not the TEAM. It was a little confusing, or else I was too involved in pasting spag examples to keep my attention on the content. Again, my fault.

Now I feel so sad for him, poor Bodger, all alone. Makes me want to cry. Poor little brave beaver, struggling all by himself preparing those sticks. How dare those others tease him when they have families and friends to help! And how wonderful that he found such good friends! :)

Sandra, I hope you know by now that I adore you, and your work, so I hope I didn't come off as harsh because of the spag, but that's what I was concentrating on, because it just jumps out at me after all those years in the classroom marking papers. That's why there are editors, after all, so please don't think I was being mean... truly, truuuly just trying to be helpful.

There are comma lessons all over the web, and really not that many rules. You just need to learn when it's okay to use a comma, a semi-colon, or when you really NEED a period (full stop in UK). Hope I helped some. Please pm any questions. Glad to elaborate. :)

reply by the author on 04-Jan-2014

Of course I know you are only helping, I was just so cross with myself. I have taken one of Brookes spag classes, so if she has read it, she was probably wondering why I bothered! I have spent the last three hours going over and over it, and I am sure I will still have some issues to sort out. You only did what reviewers are supposed to do, no I am not stupid enough not to know you were only being a good friend. I will do as you suggested though, it would be good for children to know it is nice to work in teams. Thank you again, Phyllis, you can edit any time you want, I will always take notice. I just hope you don't have to next time. :)xsx

reply by Phyllis Stewart on 04-Jan-2014

Thanks for the note. Makes me feel better... was so worried I had overdone my help. Probably because I just had a discussion, yesterday, with some guy who was very resentful of my help. He said I was "rewriting" his work and was very offended. So I guess I'm a bit nervous. He needed the help, but he didn't really want it. I was nice about it... gave him five stars... but you know how some people are. Anyway, it left me spooked.

reply by the author on 04-Jan-2014

I do think that is stupid. If anyone thinks their work is that good, that it doesn't need editing, they are nuts. I think a big thank you is more in order for all the time you took to fine tune it and show the spags. It is not a two minute job going through someone else's work. I wouldn't let it bother you, just don't bother going over his work anymore. xx