Somewhere
Part One Shipwrecked20 total reviews
Comment from Leonardo Wild
Hi Cindy,
Good beginning (I had to search through your posts to find the start of this), and good way you got right into the action without clarifying exactly what happened to the ship.
I did miss, though, maybe just a sentence or a short paragraph, where you give a quick overview of how many people are there with Melody. They began to appear as the story moved forward, but it might be useful to get a sense of the social dynamics of the group. Otherwise, the interaction through dialogue is clear and Melody's spoiled attitude makes her character stand out well.
Maybe, for the end, after Melody smiles, you might want to add something else, some event that does not make this chapter end here, with melody's smile, but with some other action that will take us right into the next chapter. Not necessarily a cliff-hanger, for this doesn't seem to be that kind of story, more like the start of the next goal sequence.
A suggestion:
--The sails had been shredded, the rigging was a tangled mess and several masts were broken.
I wouldn't put "several masts." I would put a number. One or two. How many did the ship have?
reply by the author on 20-Apr-2014
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Hi Cindy,
Good beginning (I had to search through your posts to find the start of this), and good way you got right into the action without clarifying exactly what happened to the ship.
I did miss, though, maybe just a sentence or a short paragraph, where you give a quick overview of how many people are there with Melody. They began to appear as the story moved forward, but it might be useful to get a sense of the social dynamics of the group. Otherwise, the interaction through dialogue is clear and Melody's spoiled attitude makes her character stand out well.
Maybe, for the end, after Melody smiles, you might want to add something else, some event that does not make this chapter end here, with melody's smile, but with some other action that will take us right into the next chapter. Not necessarily a cliff-hanger, for this doesn't seem to be that kind of story, more like the start of the next goal sequence.
A suggestion:
--The sails had been shredded, the rigging was a tangled mess and several masts were broken.
I wouldn't put "several masts." I would put a number. One or two. How many did the ship have?
Comment Written 19-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 20-Apr-2014
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You have some good points here. 'The main mast' would be better, I think. It wouldn't have several, would it? I'll save all the suggestions for when I do the final draft.
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Yes, the main mast would be better. As I have no idea what's supposed to have happened, it's hard to give any further technical suggestions. I assume they went through a storm. So the main mast could've broken and fallen overboard and as it was still attached to the rigging, it made a hole in hull, nothing serious but enough to take in water and to have to repair the ship.
Comment from dalewarren59
Great start. Of course I'm planning to read the rest. You do an excellent job of painting word pictures. Melody? Maybe I'm just being cynical, but I'm staying with her not to see if see gets nicer, but to see if she gets her "come-up-ens" :)
reply by the author on 05-Apr-2014
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Great start. Of course I'm planning to read the rest. You do an excellent job of painting word pictures. Melody? Maybe I'm just being cynical, but I'm staying with her not to see if see gets nicer, but to see if she gets her "come-up-ens" :)
Comment Written 04-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 05-Apr-2014
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Of course, she'll get a bit of both. Hope you enjoy the story.
Comment from Ritsal
Ha, ha. Melody would be a good match for Robbie--same attitude. This is a great beginning. Good pacing and dialogue. I'm anxious to discover how Melody copes with her less-than-perfect surroundings. I will try to catch the rest of the chapters. Good job.
Best wishes,
Rita
reply by the author on 26-Mar-2014
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Ha, ha. Melody would be a good match for Robbie--same attitude. This is a great beginning. Good pacing and dialogue. I'm anxious to discover how Melody copes with her less-than-perfect surroundings. I will try to catch the rest of the chapters. Good job.
Best wishes,
Rita
Comment Written 26-Mar-2014
reply by the author on 26-Mar-2014
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Yes, Melody and Robbie do have a lot in common. They're both spoiled kids taken out of their elements. Melody is going to do some growing up, but she's going to do some kicking and screaming along the way. Robbie too, I expect. Thanks for the stars and the review.
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It's the kicking and screaming that make it fun. :D
Comment from Titanx9
This is really good, but Melody needs a spanking - LOL. Don't worry about her being too unlikely as long as she stays true to her character. You've done a great job setting up these two characters, Melody and her father, and for the difficult relationship that is to ensue. Why not provide a name for the captain and more information about him. Is he the take charge type? Where is this beach? You need a bit more description in this set up. I'd like to see you continue with it.
reply by the author on 12-Apr-2013
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This is really good, but Melody needs a spanking - LOL. Don't worry about her being too unlikely as long as she stays true to her character. You've done a great job setting up these two characters, Melody and her father, and for the difficult relationship that is to ensue. Why not provide a name for the captain and more information about him. Is he the take charge type? Where is this beach? You need a bit more description in this set up. I'd like to see you continue with it.
Comment Written 11-Apr-2013
reply by the author on 12-Apr-2013
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The captain is only a minor character. The story is about Melody, who is in for a rude awakening. She's spoiled and selfish, and now she's in a situation where that just won't work. She has to learn how to get along. Thanks for reviewing.
Comment from Selina Stambi
An interesting read.
Melody too unlikable? Hmm, that depends on how she is supposed to continue in the story and how the writer wishes to protray her.
You have portrayed a spoiled little so and so. I want to slap her nicely and send her to bed without any broth or bread ... but that may not be such a bad thing - her being spoiled, I mean - not being sent to bed! (sorry, I'm getting really convoluted here!!)
I'm interested to see how this progresses.
reply by the author on 12-Apr-2013
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An interesting read.
Melody too unlikable? Hmm, that depends on how she is supposed to continue in the story and how the writer wishes to protray her.
You have portrayed a spoiled little so and so. I want to slap her nicely and send her to bed without any broth or bread ... but that may not be such a bad thing - her being spoiled, I mean - not being sent to bed! (sorry, I'm getting really convoluted here!!)
I'm interested to see how this progresses.
Comment Written 11-Apr-2013
reply by the author on 12-Apr-2013
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She's a spoiled little imp, but now she's in a situation where her family's position is of no importance. She's in for a rude awakening, and she's going to have to learn to get along. Thanks for reviewing.
Comment from bayoupoet
This is such an interesting story. What year was it set in? The little girl is just spoiled and used to getting her way. Her temper will even out as the story progresses. I think you should expanded it.
Best Wishes!
sandra
reply by the author on 12-Apr-2013
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This is such an interesting story. What year was it set in? The little girl is just spoiled and used to getting her way. Her temper will even out as the story progresses. I think you should expanded it.
Best Wishes!
sandra
Comment Written 11-Apr-2013
reply by the author on 12-Apr-2013
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I guess I need to decide on a year. Maybe mid 18th century. The story doesn't work if they have modern gadgets. Melody's character will develop when she finds her antics don't work. Thanks for reviewing.
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You're very welcome!
Comment from God's Writer
An awesome story my friend. Such power in your words. Such feeling and emotion. You write with flair and style. You also kept my interest throughout the whole piece.
reply by the author on 11-Apr-2013
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An awesome story my friend. Such power in your words. Such feeling and emotion. You write with flair and style. You also kept my interest throughout the whole piece.
Comment Written 11-Apr-2013
reply by the author on 11-Apr-2013
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Thanks for the wonderful review. It's great to know you enjoyed it. I'll be starting on part two tonight.
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I will be looking for it.
Comment from beccabootie123
great story. well written and formatted. characters and setting easily visualized. the picture works well. great story for children. held my interest.
reply by the author on 10-Apr-2013
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great story. well written and formatted. characters and setting easily visualized. the picture works well. great story for children. held my interest.
Comment Written 10-Apr-2013
reply by the author on 10-Apr-2013
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I'm so glad you liked it. Thanks for the wonderful review.
Comment from dmt1967
This is a really good story line I think the girl is perfect you can build on her character nicely I think you should develop this into a book I can't wait for the next chapter thank you for sharing
reply by the author on 10-Apr-2013
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This is a really good story line I think the girl is perfect you can build on her character nicely I think you should develop this into a book I can't wait for the next chapter thank you for sharing
Comment Written 10-Apr-2013
reply by the author on 10-Apr-2013
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Wow, thanks for the six! Those stars sure brightened up my day. I have lots of ideas for the book, but I was a little concerned that Melody was too unlikable for the reader to care about her. Sometimes it's good to be wrong!
Comment from emjaihammond
This is a good story, well written and interesting from beginning to the end. I like the way the characters are developed and the story line progresses well. Entertaining and well done.
reply by the author on 09-Apr-2013
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This is a good story, well written and interesting from beginning to the end. I like the way the characters are developed and the story line progresses well. Entertaining and well done.
Comment Written 09-Apr-2013
reply by the author on 09-Apr-2013
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I'm so glad you liked my story. Thanks for the great review.
