Along the Jericho Road
Viewing comments for Chapter 35 "Conze Moon"Murder Mystery
49 total reviews
Comment from Rosalyne
Hi, Bev.
Congratulations on winning the book of the month! You deserve this award and many others for your story. Jana is a fabulous character. You really captured her divide between working in the white man's world and her loyalty to the First Nation. I found her history very interesting, having left the reserve with her mother and re-entering as an adult. I wasn't aware that she would be looked at critically upon her return, when it was a decision she had no say in. You mapped out the murder so well, to the smallest of important details. This is such an excellent story!
Congratulations again my friend!
So well deserved!
Bye
Rosalyne :)
reply by the author on 30-Jan-2014
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Hi, Bev.
Congratulations on winning the book of the month! You deserve this award and many others for your story. Jana is a fabulous character. You really captured her divide between working in the white man's world and her loyalty to the First Nation. I found her history very interesting, having left the reserve with her mother and re-entering as an adult. I wasn't aware that she would be looked at critically upon her return, when it was a decision she had no say in. You mapped out the murder so well, to the smallest of important details. This is such an excellent story!
Congratulations again my friend!
So well deserved!
Bye
Rosalyne :)
Comment Written 29-Jan-2014
reply by the author on 30-Jan-2014
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Hi, Rosalyne. I do love Jana. It's interesting that you're giving me this reminder of the elements in this chapter as the current ones tie in with that. Thanks for validating my instincts with this story. You are far too generous with me! When I go to edit, I will keep this review on the top of the pile to remind me that, at least, one person really gets it. Hugs, Bev
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Hi, Bev.
Your book is excellent! You are so modest and humble about your talents! Jana is my favourite character. She is a woman who is dignified, respectful and mentally strong. She's learned how to deal with men and stereotypes in the police force, and show honour and respect following her traditional roots. You showed this balance perfectly.
I'm putting in my request for an autographed copy once you get published! :)
Bye
Hugs
Rosalyne :)
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You make my heart glad, my dear friend.
Big Hug, Bev
Comment from jadapenn
Very active chapter with plenty of confrontation. Jana soon put Bloomquist in his place. What a horrible thing to do - break the poor deadman's fingers. Is this chap out of his mind. I think Rick and Jana handled Matthew very well. A good chapter, Bev. Now to deal with uncle Tony. :) •?? luv jada
reply by the author on 21-Jul-2013
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Very active chapter with plenty of confrontation. Jana soon put Bloomquist in his place. What a horrible thing to do - break the poor deadman's fingers. Is this chap out of his mind. I think Rick and Jana handled Matthew very well. A good chapter, Bev. Now to deal with uncle Tony. :) •?? luv jada
Comment Written 21-Jul-2013
reply by the author on 21-Jul-2013
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I enjoyed writing this chapter very much. So, I really appreciate your positive insights very much. And thanks for the great six stars! I'm really thrilled. Hugs, Bev
Comment from Contests
reply by the author on 05-Jun-2013
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 A seven star rating from the Contest Committee for the recognition this post has received from the FanStory community. While this was not a Contest Committee decision, the committee recognizes this achievement with a seven star review. |
Comment Written 05-Jun-2013
reply by the author on 05-Jun-2013
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I'm deeply honored. Thank you very much! Kind regards, WF
Comment from forestport12
Tight writing. Mood, dialogue, descritptions, pacing. reminded me of some of the best crime fiction writer's. Way to go and congratulations on the nomination.
reply by the author on 01-Jun-2013
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Tight writing. Mood, dialogue, descritptions, pacing. reminded me of some of the best crime fiction writer's. Way to go and congratulations on the nomination.
Comment Written 01-Jun-2013
reply by the author on 01-Jun-2013
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Thank you much for your congratulations and gracious review, forestport. I'm honored by your words of encouragement. Warmest regards, Bev
Comment from Sally Carter
I haven't read any chapters of this book (in fact I struggle to find time to read novels here at all, I'm sad to say) but I thought this was a wonderful write - professional and engaging. I would easily have believed I was holding a published novel in my hand.
I confess there is one entry in this contest that I *have* been following, and it was a great temptation just to give it my vote, but I felt I had to be fair to the other entrants and see what else was in the running. And very glad I am that I did that.
I wish I could promise to follow your book but I just keep saying yes to things and then being unable to fulfil them, so best I don't do that. But I'll try!
The only thing I would recommend you look at is the spelling of supersede/supercede. Certainly in the UK it's supersede, though I know there are sometimes differences between countries.
Best wishes
Sally
reply by the author on 29-May-2013
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I haven't read any chapters of this book (in fact I struggle to find time to read novels here at all, I'm sad to say) but I thought this was a wonderful write - professional and engaging. I would easily have believed I was holding a published novel in my hand.
I confess there is one entry in this contest that I *have* been following, and it was a great temptation just to give it my vote, but I felt I had to be fair to the other entrants and see what else was in the running. And very glad I am that I did that.
I wish I could promise to follow your book but I just keep saying yes to things and then being unable to fulfil them, so best I don't do that. But I'll try!
The only thing I would recommend you look at is the spelling of supersede/supercede. Certainly in the UK it's supersede, though I know there are sometimes differences between countries.
Best wishes
Sally
Comment Written 29-May-2013
reply by the author on 29-May-2013
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Hi, Sally. Thank you so much for this very gracious review! And I completely understand about the time aspect. I'm following quite a few myself. I love all the writers I follow, but the time it takes can sometimes be a bit overwhelming. And there are some super novels in the contest. I'm proud to be a part of the list.
Thanks, too, for that spelling check. For some reason, I often do the UK spelling, and I've never even lived there LOL.
Warmest regards, Bev
Comment from Patrick G Cox
Hi Writingfundimension,
I think I must have missed the lead in to this chapter, but no matter, I was able to pick up what was happening and get into the interplay between the players immediately. Bloomquist seems to be a bit of a sadist.
The jurisdictional complexities must make it quite tricky in a case like this.
Patrick
reply by the author on 11-Apr-2013
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Hi Writingfundimension,
I think I must have missed the lead in to this chapter, but no matter, I was able to pick up what was happening and get into the interplay between the players immediately. Bloomquist seems to be a bit of a sadist.
The jurisdictional complexities must make it quite tricky in a case like this.
Patrick
Comment Written 11-Apr-2013
reply by the author on 11-Apr-2013
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Thank you so much, Patrick. I appreciate the support. Warm regards, Bev
Comment from rtobaygo
Smooth flow, great continuity. Believable characters and dialogue. Great balance between showing and telling, Excellent conflict between the protagonist and antagonist. Good beats with a damned interesting plot.
Two items for my edification:
at 38 should this be written?
he snarled. My instructors told me snarling words were impossible.
One of the better stories I reviewed. Kudos!
Take care,
Ray
reply by the author on 11-Apr-2013
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Smooth flow, great continuity. Believable characters and dialogue. Great balance between showing and telling, Excellent conflict between the protagonist and antagonist. Good beats with a damned interesting plot.
Two items for my edification:
at 38 should this be written?
he snarled. My instructors told me snarling words were impossible.
One of the better stories I reviewed. Kudos!
Take care,
Ray
Comment Written 11-Apr-2013
reply by the author on 11-Apr-2013
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Hi, Ray. Thank you for your careful review, good advice and extremely generous rating. The areas you mentioned have been changes. Much appreciate the support! Warmest regards, Bev
Comment from justatuna
Really enjoyed you wonderful write. Always try to learn from the use of dialogue. Feel I've learned from you. You create a very vivid scene that allows the reader to experience your words. In my novice opinion, you could clean it up a bit. Always a fine line between description and clutter. My battle. Great write.
reply by the author on 10-Apr-2013
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Really enjoyed you wonderful write. Always try to learn from the use of dialogue. Feel I've learned from you. You create a very vivid scene that allows the reader to experience your words. In my novice opinion, you could clean it up a bit. Always a fine line between description and clutter. My battle. Great write.
Comment Written 10-Apr-2013
reply by the author on 10-Apr-2013
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Hi, justatuna. I appreciate your suggestion for changes. I wonder if you could be a bit more specific about that? Otherwise, thanks for the generous review. Warm regards, Bev
Comment from beccabootie123
the story continues and is still intriguing. formatted well and thank you for not too long. characters and setting easily depicted. well written.
reply by the author on 10-Apr-2013
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the story continues and is still intriguing. formatted well and thank you for not too long. characters and setting easily depicted. well written.
Comment Written 10-Apr-2013
reply by the author on 10-Apr-2013
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Thank you, becca. I appreciate the generous review! Bev
Comment from gene roush
This is very nice -- a lot of intrigue and introduction of clues -- the use of dialogue gives the reader insight into the plot and the characters.
I think you can make the scenes a bit more active and cleaner ie. "What disgusted her was his insensitive attitude, and the way he wrenched the dead man's fingers about like remnants of a plated carcass." could be written as "His insensitive wrenching of cadaver's fingers -- like remnants of plated carcass -- disgusted her. I think his ill humor can be introduced actively here without the need of two more paragraphs.
thanks for sharing,
Gene
reply by the author on 10-Apr-2013
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This is very nice -- a lot of intrigue and introduction of clues -- the use of dialogue gives the reader insight into the plot and the characters.
I think you can make the scenes a bit more active and cleaner ie. "What disgusted her was his insensitive attitude, and the way he wrenched the dead man's fingers about like remnants of a plated carcass." could be written as "His insensitive wrenching of cadaver's fingers -- like remnants of plated carcass -- disgusted her. I think his ill humor can be introduced actively here without the need of two more paragraphs.
thanks for sharing,
Gene
Comment Written 10-Apr-2013
reply by the author on 10-Apr-2013
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Hi, gene. Thanks for the great review. I like your suggested change as it fits with my narrative style. As to making the scenes more active: I think from the first chapter to now, you'll see that I have, indeed, done a great deal of that. Thanks again! Bev
