Blood Covenant
Resurrected love has soul wrenching consequences27 total reviews
Comment from RazberryBullet
Got a chuckle here:...Her wrinkled hands showed so many raised veins, that any junky would have considered it a treasure chest. ;p
Great story here, especially for Halloween :)
Well done!
reply by the author on 02-May-2013
  |
Got a chuckle here:...Her wrinkled hands showed so many raised veins, that any junky would have considered it a treasure chest. ;p
Great story here, especially for Halloween :)
Well done!
Comment Written 02-May-2013
reply by the author on 02-May-2013
-
Thank you RazberyBullet. I'm so glad you like the story and got a chuckle.
Comment from KYPollard/El Gato
This is a wonderful story, my friend. You have great description. However I do find some of your writing to be a bit "overweight." For instance in sentences like: Her creepy wrinkled hands... You use two adjectives. One should be enough. One makes the writing tight. Is her hand creepy or wrinkled?
Mildred said after blowing out a gush of air. This could be changed to: Mildred said after huffing. Or better yet: Mildred huffed.
"Oh this better work,"
"Oh, this better work,"
At this, Matilda became agitated.
This agitated Matilda.
Editors like tight writing, not writing with a lot of extra words when one good word will do.
Good luck in the contest.
reply by the author on 02-May-2013
|
This is a wonderful story, my friend. You have great description. However I do find some of your writing to be a bit "overweight." For instance in sentences like: Her creepy wrinkled hands... You use two adjectives. One should be enough. One makes the writing tight. Is her hand creepy or wrinkled?
Mildred said after blowing out a gush of air. This could be changed to: Mildred said after huffing. Or better yet: Mildred huffed.
"Oh this better work,"
"Oh, this better work,"
At this, Matilda became agitated.
This agitated Matilda.
Editors like tight writing, not writing with a lot of extra words when one good word will do.
Good luck in the contest.
Comment Written 02-May-2013
reply by the author on 02-May-2013
-
Thank you Gato. Good advice. I'll make the changes.
Comment from Resha Caner
I think the introduction goes on for too long. People who read thrillers are looking for an emotional rush, not a lot of character background. It's OK to include this material, but it needs to be woven in with the rest of the story - carefully revealed over time.
Second, when the story finally seems to start (with the line "I owe you nothing") it is all dialogue. Work some action into this as well. Describe the room and not just the appearance of the medium but her movements. Maybe she moves like a snake ready to strike its prey - something like that.
I would describe the hunt for the second medium to undo the spell. Otherwise it just drops from nowhere.
On the positive side, your writing is very clean. I didn't see any problems with mechanics. Your dialogue seems to come naturally, and you do well with pacing it - using taglines when necessary, and then avoiding them to increase the pace.
The opportunity for improvement comes with weaving the action into that dialogue rather than having blocks of text followed by blocks of dialogue.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 02-May-2013
 |
I think the introduction goes on for too long. People who read thrillers are looking for an emotional rush, not a lot of character background. It's OK to include this material, but it needs to be woven in with the rest of the story - carefully revealed over time.
Second, when the story finally seems to start (with the line "I owe you nothing") it is all dialogue. Work some action into this as well. Describe the room and not just the appearance of the medium but her movements. Maybe she moves like a snake ready to strike its prey - something like that.
I would describe the hunt for the second medium to undo the spell. Otherwise it just drops from nowhere.
On the positive side, your writing is very clean. I didn't see any problems with mechanics. Your dialogue seems to come naturally, and you do well with pacing it - using taglines when necessary, and then avoiding them to increase the pace.
The opportunity for improvement comes with weaving the action into that dialogue rather than having blocks of text followed by blocks of dialogue.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 02-May-2013
reply by the author on 02-May-2013
-
LOL! OKay.
Comment from Gary D. Hardy
Well.... This story is actually believable. held my attention throughout. The pee thing was a little gross. But then again, my mom use to go to fortune tellers and they would tell her to do strange things as. Great read this was.! Thanks for sharing.
reply by the author on 02-May-2013
|
Well.... This story is actually believable. held my attention throughout. The pee thing was a little gross. But then again, my mom use to go to fortune tellers and they would tell her to do strange things as. Great read this was.! Thanks for sharing.
Comment Written 02-May-2013
reply by the author on 02-May-2013
-
Thank you Gary, for reading and for the review.
-
My plesure:-)
Comment from Gungalo
I thoroughly enjoyed in Amahra and thought you did a great job. Your characters were believable and the whole scene felt as if it really happen.
reply by the author on 01-May-2013
|
I thoroughly enjoyed in Amahra and thought you did a great job. Your characters were believable and the whole scene felt as if it really happen.
Comment Written 01-May-2013
reply by the author on 01-May-2013
-
Oh thank you so much Gungalo. I'm really glad you liked the story.
-
Smiles Amahra.
Comment from oliviastjames
Wow! I'm in awe! This was a fantastic piece of prose. It was a easy read and it just flowed beautifully from beginning to end. I wish I had some wise words of critique, but you, my friend, definitely don't need any help. This was fantastic! Great job!
reply by the author on 01-May-2013
|
Wow! I'm in awe! This was a fantastic piece of prose. It was a easy read and it just flowed beautifully from beginning to end. I wish I had some wise words of critique, but you, my friend, definitely don't need any help. This was fantastic! Great job!
Comment Written 01-May-2013
reply by the author on 01-May-2013
-
Thank you. I really appreciate your reading and reviewing my story.
Comment from Margaret Snowdon
You drew me in right from the
start, clearly setting the
scene in this gripping story, Armahra.
The old woman[,] took the name - lose comma
So well told and presented... good luck with
the contest, my friend.
Margaret
reply by the author on 01-May-2013
|
You drew me in right from the
start, clearly setting the
scene in this gripping story, Armahra.
The old woman[,] took the name - lose comma
So well told and presented... good luck with
the contest, my friend.
Margaret
Comment Written 01-May-2013
reply by the author on 01-May-2013
-
Thank you so much Margaret. I will make that correction.
Comment from Taffspride
You captured my attention and imagination in the opening lines. I am glad to say I was not disappointed when I read the story.
Well written, a story which moved along well with good use of dialog. I very much liked your ending line, which added a touch of reality to the story.
Thank you for sharing.
Iechyd da
Ann
reply by the author on 01-May-2013
|
You captured my attention and imagination in the opening lines. I am glad to say I was not disappointed when I read the story.
Well written, a story which moved along well with good use of dialog. I very much liked your ending line, which added a touch of reality to the story.
Thank you for sharing.
Iechyd da
Ann
Comment Written 01-May-2013
reply by the author on 01-May-2013
-
And thank you for stopping by and taking the time to read and review. I'm so glad you enjoyed the story. Blessings to you.
Comment from adewpearl
You set the stage and the tone of your story effectively in your opening lines
When's daddy coming home - Daddy
Shut up, you little bastards - add comma for direct address
Now, my dear, just sit here - add commas for direct address
Here we are, Mom - add comma
It's okay, baby - add comma
I love your ending with its touch of realism
Excellent dialogue throughout and very compelling character development
an intriguing and dramatic story line
Brooke
reply by the author on 01-May-2013
|
You set the stage and the tone of your story effectively in your opening lines
When's daddy coming home - Daddy
Shut up, you little bastards - add comma for direct address
Now, my dear, just sit here - add commas for direct address
Here we are, Mom - add comma
It's okay, baby - add comma
I love your ending with its touch of realism
Excellent dialogue throughout and very compelling character development
an intriguing and dramatic story line
Brooke
Comment Written 01-May-2013
reply by the author on 01-May-2013
-
Thanks Brooke, I'll go back and change everyone. Blessings my dear.
Comment from CR Delport
Quite an interesting story and a nice read. The dark arts is sure not something one should mess around with. It always ends badly. Well done and good luck.
reply by the author on 01-May-2013
|
Quite an interesting story and a nice read. The dark arts is sure not something one should mess around with. It always ends badly. Well done and good luck.
Comment Written 01-May-2013
reply by the author on 01-May-2013
-
Thank you.
