Along the Jericho Road
Viewing comments for Chapter 26 "Inaji Moon, Pt. 1"Murder Mystery
43 total reviews
Comment from wordsfromsue
Awww, poor Mr. Duffy. It's awful to lose a close friend. You've done it again... dropping just enough snatches of a clue here, a possible lead there, to make this mystery absolutely captivating! Brilliant work! :-)
reply by the author on 16-Dec-2012
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Awww, poor Mr. Duffy. It's awful to lose a close friend. You've done it again... dropping just enough snatches of a clue here, a possible lead there, to make this mystery absolutely captivating! Brilliant work! :-)
Comment Written 16-Dec-2012
reply by the author on 16-Dec-2012
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Hi, Sue. Thanks so much for this very generous review. Your insights and support are so helpful and appreciated! Second part to come out this week, with yet another slight twist -- I'm awful LOL. Happy Holidays! Bev
Comment from Tina55
Great writing, Bev. I can tell that you feel this story in your bones...it comes through the details.
Flow suggestion: Naked of leaves, the trees' imperfections were laid bare. Like his inadequacies, no longer camouflaged by booze. He missed it every day of his life. Especially... What I'm thinking, Bev is showing how the man's thoughts jump from bare trees to his inadequacies. Makes his sound like a skeleton of what booze used to make him.
Determination and frustration seesawed for dominance as he admitted his hopes were pinned on an old man haggling with death. (Fantastic line!)
"Damned near impossible to conceal," Derek comforted himself.
(Another great line and great stab at the imagery you build in the first paragraph)
Both men grabbed their pockets on hearing the telltale buzz of a cell phone. They smiled in recognition of their brotherhood then separated like boxers in a ring. (Great Great lines!)
Fantastic tension and imagery...way to go!!
Yours,
Tina :)
reply by the author on 06-Dec-2012
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Great writing, Bev. I can tell that you feel this story in your bones...it comes through the details.
Flow suggestion: Naked of leaves, the trees' imperfections were laid bare. Like his inadequacies, no longer camouflaged by booze. He missed it every day of his life. Especially... What I'm thinking, Bev is showing how the man's thoughts jump from bare trees to his inadequacies. Makes his sound like a skeleton of what booze used to make him.
Determination and frustration seesawed for dominance as he admitted his hopes were pinned on an old man haggling with death. (Fantastic line!)
"Damned near impossible to conceal," Derek comforted himself.
(Another great line and great stab at the imagery you build in the first paragraph)
Both men grabbed their pockets on hearing the telltale buzz of a cell phone. They smiled in recognition of their brotherhood then separated like boxers in a ring. (Great Great lines!)
Fantastic tension and imagery...way to go!!
Yours,
Tina :)
Comment Written 06-Dec-2012
reply by the author on 06-Dec-2012
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Hi, Tina. I really appreciate how generous and helpful this review is. I have changed the first paragraph and I like it much better! So thanks for your gentle insights into this and other sections. It means a lot coming from a writer I admire so much. Hugs, Bev
Comment from jelissa jones
The sentence about booze in the first paragraph seems to come out of no where. It seems out of place, because it's a flat statement, not a thought or flashback. After re-reading it seems that the point is to tie the missing leaves to the missing booze. I don't know it just didn't work for me. I think it could use some of the other senses like he remembers the smell of taste of his favorite drink.
Found it odd that in the beginning he told Todd to be wary before thinking back to the odd man with the dragon tattoo. To me it seems like it would flow better if he had the flashback which triggered him to warn Todd.
I thought him asking the friend if he was ex military was also out of the blue. Especially since he's a sheriff I would expect him to be more aware of the details. Noting the things that lead him to believe he was ex military
Overall it was a good read. I thought it flowed well besides what I mentioned above. And kept me engaged in the story
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 06-Dec-2012
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The sentence about booze in the first paragraph seems to come out of no where. It seems out of place, because it's a flat statement, not a thought or flashback. After re-reading it seems that the point is to tie the missing leaves to the missing booze. I don't know it just didn't work for me. I think it could use some of the other senses like he remembers the smell of taste of his favorite drink.
Found it odd that in the beginning he told Todd to be wary before thinking back to the odd man with the dragon tattoo. To me it seems like it would flow better if he had the flashback which triggered him to warn Todd.
I thought him asking the friend if he was ex military was also out of the blue. Especially since he's a sheriff I would expect him to be more aware of the details. Noting the things that lead him to believe he was ex military
Overall it was a good read. I thought it flowed well besides what I mentioned above. And kept me engaged in the story
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 05-Dec-2012
reply by the author on 06-Dec-2012
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Thank you for the review.
Comment from Mai Mai
This is an interesting piece. You write very well. The piece was easy to follow even though I have not read other chapters. It feels as if part 2 is about to really pick up as they leave the hospital and go to the safe. Good job and good luck.
Mai Mai
reply by the author on 04-Dec-2012
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This is an interesting piece. You write very well. The piece was easy to follow even though I have not read other chapters. It feels as if part 2 is about to really pick up as they leave the hospital and go to the safe. Good job and good luck.
Mai Mai
Comment Written 04-Dec-2012
reply by the author on 04-Dec-2012
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Thank so much for the great review, MM. I appreciate you taking time to read! Warm regards, Bev
Comment from Eric Corsten
A lot of action in this ..I really liked it. your writing kept me interested throughout and that's hard for me sometimes..Nice job
reply by the author on 04-Dec-2012
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A lot of action in this ..I really liked it. your writing kept me interested throughout and that's hard for me sometimes..Nice job
Comment Written 04-Dec-2012
reply by the author on 04-Dec-2012
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Thank you much, EricDaGoose. I'm glad I could maintain your interest in this chapter and appreciate your taking time to read. Kindest regards, Bev
Comment from Bryana
I'm sorry I haven't read other chapters. I found this one beautifully written, it caught my interest from the beginning, a sign of a good writer.
I don't believe Eisner's heart attack just happened. Now I'm curious to know if he's really dead. I will be looking for the next chapter.
reply by the author on 04-Dec-2012
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I'm sorry I haven't read other chapters. I found this one beautifully written, it caught my interest from the beginning, a sign of a good writer.
I don't believe Eisner's heart attack just happened. Now I'm curious to know if he's really dead. I will be looking for the next chapter.
Comment Written 04-Dec-2012
reply by the author on 04-Dec-2012
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Thank you so much, Bryana. Your generous and encouraging review is so very much appreciated! Warmest regards, Bev
Comment from adewpearl
good character development of the Sheriff, including back story well
I like that I can jump into the middle of the novel and still follow along
Copy that, Sheriff - add comma for direct address
good use of strong action verbs to add life to the story
Excellent dialogue throughout
You build an atmosphere of mystery and danger well
Brooke :-)
reply by the author on 04-Dec-2012
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good character development of the Sheriff, including back story well
I like that I can jump into the middle of the novel and still follow along
Copy that, Sheriff - add comma for direct address
good use of strong action verbs to add life to the story
Excellent dialogue throughout
You build an atmosphere of mystery and danger well
Brooke :-)
Comment Written 04-Dec-2012
reply by the author on 04-Dec-2012
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Hi, Brooke. Thanks for the great review. I really appreciate your time and support! Warm regards, Bev
Comment from Norbanus
This is a worthy advancement of the story with outstanding dialogue and enough suspence to hold a reader with you to the next segment.
Loved the 'brotherhood of cell phone users' idea.
reply by the author on 04-Dec-2012
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This is a worthy advancement of the story with outstanding dialogue and enough suspence to hold a reader with you to the next segment.
Loved the 'brotherhood of cell phone users' idea.
Comment Written 04-Dec-2012
reply by the author on 04-Dec-2012
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Hi, Norbanus. Thanks so much for the great review! I'm always appreciative of your insights. Warm regards, Bev
Comment from DALLAS01
This story is so well written, I can't believe I'm not reading a purchased book. The character development and the detail (none wasted is awesome.
The word overturn here threw me ...I Construed it to mean overturn the vehicle as in an accident.
reply by the author on 04-Dec-2012
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This story is so well written, I can't believe I'm not reading a purchased book. The character development and the detail (none wasted is awesome.
The word overturn here threw me ...I Construed it to mean overturn the vehicle as in an accident.
Comment Written 04-Dec-2012
reply by the author on 04-Dec-2012
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Hi, Dallas. Thank you, my friend, for your continued interest in my novel. I am honored, also that you find this chapter worthy of such a generous rating. I'll re-check the section you mention. It's always great to 'see' something through someone else's eyes. Warmest regards, Bev
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you're welcome.
Comment from donaldww
This is an excellent instalment. I particularly liked the detailed narrative of the doctor with the patient, crossing his arms, etc. The scene felt real to me.
Everything looked perfect from the SPAG POV.
Cheers,
DW
reply by the author on 04-Dec-2012
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This is an excellent instalment. I particularly liked the detailed narrative of the doctor with the patient, crossing his arms, etc. The scene felt real to me.
Everything looked perfect from the SPAG POV.
Cheers,
DW
Comment Written 04-Dec-2012
reply by the author on 04-Dec-2012
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Thanks, Donald. I really value your honest input and generous rating. Cheers to you, as well! Bev
