The Conversation
My second attempt at script writing-1st was when I was 10yrs6 total reviews
Comment from Gladness
Only your second script in your life? Wow, you did good! The conversation is interesting and the ending has more than one surprise :)There is one little thing at the end to check.
(begins humming a song)(stops and saying to herself)
~~extra parenthesis, ~~says~~
Great work, my friend, Anita
reply by the author on 28-Nov-2012
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Only your second script in your life? Wow, you did good! The conversation is interesting and the ending has more than one surprise :)There is one little thing at the end to check.
(begins humming a song)(stops and saying to herself)
~~extra parenthesis, ~~says~~
Great work, my friend, Anita
Comment Written 27-Nov-2012
reply by the author on 28-Nov-2012
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Thanks Anita, I will fix my double parenthesis. I appreciate your input on my script. I'm still not sure if I'll try to write a sequel or another one. It was quite a bit of fun to "tell all". That is as long as my mother doesn't fine out. LOL
Comment from mommerry
I have never tried my hand at script so maybe I should not tell you there is nothing wrong with what you have written because I don't know what I should be watchng for. As far as I'm concerned there were no SPAG issues and the story kept me interested. - in fact, it is very good. I did wonder though if you have to put in her thoughts (...that awful picture) or is that necessary so the "actress" reading the script knows the expression she should use.
reply by the author on 28-Nov-2012
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I have never tried my hand at script so maybe I should not tell you there is nothing wrong with what you have written because I don't know what I should be watchng for. As far as I'm concerned there were no SPAG issues and the story kept me interested. - in fact, it is very good. I did wonder though if you have to put in her thoughts (...that awful picture) or is that necessary so the "actress" reading the script knows the expression she should use.
Comment Written 27-Nov-2012
reply by the author on 28-Nov-2012
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Thank you for reviewing my script and your kind words. I'm not sure either about putting in thoughts but I felt it was needed to give the actress more information. Of course, the audience if not reading the script would not get this information. Maybe, I needed to work it into the dialogue somehow? But then again Jody would have hurt Aunt Ola's feeling and that would not do. :o)
Comment from Flamingbush
I think this is very interesting and I like all the history Aunt Ola shares with Jody, then that nice surprise at the end when we find out Auntie's really a ghost of sorts.
I do have a couple of suggestions to enhance the script. First of all, I think Jody should be a little surprised when she first sees Aunt Ola in the car (before Ola launches into her dialogue). Secondly, if this is for the stage, I can picture Jody and Ola on one side as Ola keeps up the dialogue while on the other part of the stage the scene Ola describes is being acted out.
(I think the part about Ola's dad getting Jody's grandpa to marry her grandma could be hilarious)
Just a couple suggestions to enhance an already fun script.
reply by the author on 28-Nov-2012
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I think this is very interesting and I like all the history Aunt Ola shares with Jody, then that nice surprise at the end when we find out Auntie's really a ghost of sorts.
I do have a couple of suggestions to enhance the script. First of all, I think Jody should be a little surprised when she first sees Aunt Ola in the car (before Ola launches into her dialogue). Secondly, if this is for the stage, I can picture Jody and Ola on one side as Ola keeps up the dialogue while on the other part of the stage the scene Ola describes is being acted out.
(I think the part about Ola's dad getting Jody's grandpa to marry her grandma could be hilarious)
Just a couple suggestions to enhance an already fun script.
Comment Written 27-Nov-2012
reply by the author on 28-Nov-2012
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Thank you so much for your input. I think you are absolutely correct in Jody should have shown some surprise. I'll go back and make corrections. I'm glad you liked my story. The part about my granddaddy getting bailed out of jail by her daddy is true. I didn't learn this information until I was in my 30's. My daddy on a long trip (just he and I) spilled almost all the family secrets. :o)
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Wow! Sounds like you've got quite a story there. It certainly made for a fun read.
Comment from Selina Stambi
This was a really interesting read, Justjo!
Dialogue good - captured the twang and the era so well.
I could just feel aunt Ola's feistiness in my head!
How creative to use real family facts - good idea to keep your mother out of it! Don't we all have skeletons in our closets!
You've missed lots of commas. May benefit from another re-read and edit.
Some typos that I caught:
ever(y) boy in town
she had a mean streak (,) that one
one of my painting(s)
worth a dam(n)
ever(y) now and then
There were many others ...
All the best in further endeavours! xxx
reply by the author on 27-Nov-2012
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This was a really interesting read, Justjo!
Dialogue good - captured the twang and the era so well.
I could just feel aunt Ola's feistiness in my head!
How creative to use real family facts - good idea to keep your mother out of it! Don't we all have skeletons in our closets!
You've missed lots of commas. May benefit from another re-read and edit.
Some typos that I caught:
ever(y) boy in town
she had a mean streak (,) that one
one of my painting(s)
worth a dam(n)
ever(y) now and then
There were many others ...
All the best in further endeavours! xxx
Comment Written 27-Nov-2012
reply by the author on 27-Nov-2012
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Thank you so much for your kind review and SPAGs help. Corrections to the best of my ability have been made. I really need an editor for anything I write. :o( I'm afraid the day they taught punctuation in school I must have been absent. :o) I am glad you liked the concept.
Comment from 9999pool
Wow, I usually drift when reading scripts and sci-fi stories where the character just pops in and out..and all the dialogue so grand one might have thought the prisoners were talking about them. Your story caught my attention. About the past and how the past became the present and the revelations of the family background and history that Jody did not know. I like Aunt Ola..breezy and chirpy..and letting out a secret without any hesitation and I am sure there are many others who have heard all her truthful stories. Aunt Ola is such a beautiful character, I would have put the title of the script as "Aunt Ola" so that when readers started reading Aunt Ola, their mind will pay more attention..so to speak..just a cheeky suggestion, LOL. The conversation did carry me to the finishing line and then gave me a fast drop 'bang' and Aunt Ola disappeared. Wow, I felt sad that she was already dead. Can you bring back that character in the next script. I want to read more of her, LOL. Cheers. Good conversation and entertainment and so much humor and feeling into such a short script. Cheers.
reply by the author on 27-Nov-2012
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Wow, I usually drift when reading scripts and sci-fi stories where the character just pops in and out..and all the dialogue so grand one might have thought the prisoners were talking about them. Your story caught my attention. About the past and how the past became the present and the revelations of the family background and history that Jody did not know. I like Aunt Ola..breezy and chirpy..and letting out a secret without any hesitation and I am sure there are many others who have heard all her truthful stories. Aunt Ola is such a beautiful character, I would have put the title of the script as "Aunt Ola" so that when readers started reading Aunt Ola, their mind will pay more attention..so to speak..just a cheeky suggestion, LOL. The conversation did carry me to the finishing line and then gave me a fast drop 'bang' and Aunt Ola disappeared. Wow, I felt sad that she was already dead. Can you bring back that character in the next script. I want to read more of her, LOL. Cheers. Good conversation and entertainment and so much humor and feeling into such a short script. Cheers.
Comment Written 27-Nov-2012
reply by the author on 27-Nov-2012
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Thank you Ritchie. I am glad you liked my family story. It was pretty interesting to me when my daddy first told me the story. My Aunt Ola was very special to me. I might just have to write about her again.
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Thx for answer my wish, LOL. yes, give it a shot and i hope to watch a movie called "Aunt Ola - On Jo's Secret Service". Make it a detective comedy series - a 60 yo beautiful matured lady and her 80 yo great detective Aunt Ola. We can laugh till we drop cos Chapter 1 is already so funny. Come to think of it, Aunt Ola can be the family long forgotten witch at her wits trying to remember the spells correctly like Aunt Claire in "BETWITCHED". LOL. Cheers. Ritchie.
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Lots of good ideas. Hmmm, maybe I can make it into a book.
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Jo, you can go very far. At the age of 10, you already wrote your mind. Now many decades later, with the experiences of a well seasoned writer - Nothing can stop you except yourself! Just to let you know I do not give false encouragement to writers. But as a writer (and you have seen my works - greater than the Top Rank Writers, LOL), I can tell who is going to make it big. You have been chosen, I am sorry to tell. So, from hereon, you shall slog and toil till the work is finish. No dinner and TV if you don't finish your homework dear! LOL. Cheers, Ritchie the cheezze who stole the cheese!
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Thank you Ritchie for your encouragement. I will remember what you have written and I will work harder to make my writing even better.
Jo
Comment from Mary Ann MCPhedran
A MOST ENJOYABLE STORY with good imagery and needs no changes to it. THE DESCRIPTIVE SCRIPT WAS EASY TO READ.Thanks for sharing with me. Mary
reply by the author on 27-Nov-2012
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A MOST ENJOYABLE STORY with good imagery and needs no changes to it. THE DESCRIPTIVE SCRIPT WAS EASY TO READ.Thanks for sharing with me. Mary
Comment Written 27-Nov-2012
reply by the author on 27-Nov-2012
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Thank you Mary for reading my feeble attempt at script writing. I am glad you found it enjoyable and an easy read. That was what I was aiming for. :o)
