Collision Course
two men on a desperate mission49 total reviews
Comment from tandemharrow
You have a way with the words and your word paintings are powerful, vivid. Characters come alive in their dialogue. I thought that science fiction must rely on a scientific principle, but I wonder what it is in the story.
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reply by the author on 21-Jan-2013
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You have a way with the words and your word paintings are powerful, vivid. Characters come alive in their dialogue. I thought that science fiction must rely on a scientific principle, but I wonder what it is in the story.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 13-Jan-2013
reply by the author on 21-Jan-2013
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Thanks Tandem. Perhaps 'space opera' would be a more accurate genre, but I think sci-fi's come to mean any space or future-based story. I'm glad you enjoyed the read :-).
Mike
Comment from Thesis
Hi, Mike. ALl that out of a picture of a moon and some weird looking satellite dish, lol.
I enjoyed the story. The characters were strong and believable. The storyline was interesting and the realization it was a prison ship, a nice twist.
Exciting as usual. Good luck in the contest. - John
reply by the author on 10-Sep-2012
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Hi, Mike. ALl that out of a picture of a moon and some weird looking satellite dish, lol.
I enjoyed the story. The characters were strong and believable. The storyline was interesting and the realization it was a prison ship, a nice twist.
Exciting as usual. Good luck in the contest. - John
Comment Written 09-Sep-2012
reply by the author on 10-Sep-2012
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Thanks so much, John :-). I admit, the pic left me cold for a long time, then I suddenly had this idea right before the contest deadline. I'm glad you enjoyed it.
Mike
Comment from Pumpkie13
I haven't been following this story from the beginning but I found it an amazingly suspenseful read I couldn't look away from. I enjoyed your use of literary devices and the suspense and surprise that followed. I did not see Desh's betrayal coming and thought it was a brilliant idea. The back story made perfect sense to the story and I really want to know what happens next...
reply by the author on 10-Sep-2012
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I haven't been following this story from the beginning but I found it an amazingly suspenseful read I couldn't look away from. I enjoyed your use of literary devices and the suspense and surprise that followed. I did not see Desh's betrayal coming and thought it was a brilliant idea. The back story made perfect sense to the story and I really want to know what happens next...
Comment Written 09-Sep-2012
reply by the author on 10-Sep-2012
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Thanks, Pump :-). I might write another part to this, although I liked leaving it open at the end! I'm glad you enjoyed it.
Mike
Comment from write hand blue
An interesting read Fleedleflump, a story that gets the imagination going. With a good image (besides the picture) well written and expressive with good detail. Almost as good as mine. LOL. Good luck, may the best story win...Mel.
reply by the author on 10-Sep-2012
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An interesting read Fleedleflump, a story that gets the imagination going. With a good image (besides the picture) well written and expressive with good detail. Almost as good as mine. LOL. Good luck, may the best story win...Mel.
Comment Written 09-Sep-2012
reply by the author on 10-Sep-2012
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Thanks so much, Mel :-). I did enjoy writing this once I finally had an idea to go with the picture. I'm glad you enjoyed the read.
Mike
Comment from Metal Head
Hi Fleedleflump.
An interesting story I thought, written well enough to keep my attention (and often I give up on stories if written poorly).
Usually when I read I spot things which I'd point out in the review, but here I found nothing to comment on; no spag issues that I'm aware of presented themselves to me.
That said, on the second reading, parts of the plot didn't work for me. The whole world was Deliverence, a space ship designed to house and transport Earth's criminal classes, and it's big enough that the party took three and a half weeks to reach the weapons array. A space ship that big doesn't make sense to me, it's not feasible, despite the experiment contained therein. And why populate the swamp with poisonous eels?
Because their world was actually a travelling ship, over the years they'd have noticed differences in the stars, different suns etc, yet this isn't touched upon.
Why build a ship as big as a world, fill it with every criminal, some of whom would undoubtedly be intelligent enough to hack the navigation system, and give it weapons powerful enough to attempt to blow up a moon. Surely Earth's leaders would have worried about revenge if the truth got out.
In truth none of these occured to me as I read the first time. It's only now as I delve a bit deeper into the plot do they, and others, become apparent, so my rating is based on my first impression.
Good luck with the contest.
Regards
Michael D
reply by the author on 09-Sep-2012
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Hi Fleedleflump.
An interesting story I thought, written well enough to keep my attention (and often I give up on stories if written poorly).
Usually when I read I spot things which I'd point out in the review, but here I found nothing to comment on; no spag issues that I'm aware of presented themselves to me.
That said, on the second reading, parts of the plot didn't work for me. The whole world was Deliverence, a space ship designed to house and transport Earth's criminal classes, and it's big enough that the party took three and a half weeks to reach the weapons array. A space ship that big doesn't make sense to me, it's not feasible, despite the experiment contained therein. And why populate the swamp with poisonous eels?
Because their world was actually a travelling ship, over the years they'd have noticed differences in the stars, different suns etc, yet this isn't touched upon.
Why build a ship as big as a world, fill it with every criminal, some of whom would undoubtedly be intelligent enough to hack the navigation system, and give it weapons powerful enough to attempt to blow up a moon. Surely Earth's leaders would have worried about revenge if the truth got out.
In truth none of these occured to me as I read the first time. It's only now as I delve a bit deeper into the plot do they, and others, become apparent, so my rating is based on my first impression.
Good luck with the contest.
Regards
Michael D
Comment Written 09-Sep-2012
reply by the author on 09-Sep-2012
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Hi Michael. Thanks so much for the review! As so often happens with my stories, this grew as I was writing it. Really I should write it novel-length, but it needs to get it the queue for that treatment!
In my mind, the stars changing are simply seen as the norm to those living aboard. Obviously the first passengers knew they were boarding a ship, but over generations that knowledge has passed away, with the urging of Desh's familial zealots. As for the weapons there aren't any - just a rumour that became a desperate hope. The swamp is to stop the curious from ever finding out...
Lol, there's lots I wanted to put in, but longer stories never do well on FS because people don't want to read them, and I already have a book on the go.
I don't have an answer for the size of the ship, though - that's definitely a flight of fancy :-)
Thanks so much for the detailed feedback. I'm thrilled you enjoyed it enough to be interested in the details.
Mike
Comment from christianpowers
Hi Mike,
Great job with this entry. Best entry I've read yet... besides mine. lol
Seriously though, this is something special. Love the conflict, a deadly trek through an 'alien' swamp in a race to get to an advanced weapons complex and try to save the world from the 'Errant Moon'. Gives a wonderful tale to the pic provided.
At first, I wondered why you didn't call it 'Errant Moon', and then I figured the 'Collision Course' might also be referring to these two men, and I wasn't disappointed... well, not totally... let me explain.
The ending pulled up a bit short, but that was fine. Who cares if he succeeds or not? At least he 'tries'. lol So, I get it, and didn't hate it.
However, the expository 'comic-book villain rant' you used to explain everything near the end turned me off a bit. But, I guess that was fine, too. Hell, I loved some of the James Bond movies that included similar rants. So that I was willing to forgive.
Where I felt a twinge of disappointment was with the explanation itself and Desh's motivation. I think you could have done a little better with the backstory. Desh killing everyone and being there to make sure they failed and that everyone on the planet dies was great, but, for that to fly I think he should have been a robot, or controlled by a chip in his brain or something, because your explaination was a tough one to swallow. You'd think even a dedicated agent tasked with his own world's demise might have second thoughts. That's what I suspected. And, I understood that he's somewhat of a psycho... and a zealot for his cause, but it was flimsy. A machine or someone controlled by a chip, now that would have been a bit more believable, and kind of scary.
Also, I hoped Chancer would have had some suspicions of Desh, maybe been a little smarter and sabotaged Desh's gun, or stole his bullets or something (cliche, I know). Just a thought... Maybe, to make it a true 'collision course', Chancer could have been planted in the group because the 'government' knew there would be an 'agent' from Earth sabotaging their efforts? Maybe Chance had survived through his savvy, instead of depending on the whim of Desh? Maybe Chance could have a gun of his own... Maybe these two had been dodging secret attempts to kill each other the whole time, knowing they were on a 'collision course' the whole time, and knowing they would openly confront each other once they got inside that complex.
Just some ideas on how the story might have been a bit more complex and interesting.
Hope you don't think I'm saying they're bettr ideas. The only reason I was able to think of them is that they were inspired by what's already in place and so worthy of thinking about, sort of add-ons to an already great story.
Great stories always inspire me to do this. I've rewritten movies in my head for years, but only movies I liked.
Thanks for sharing, I really enjoyed this. Good luck in the contest, I think this has a great chance of winning. And beyond that, if you wanted to use anything I threw out there, feel free.
Christian
reply by the author on 10-Sep-2012
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Hi Mike,
Great job with this entry. Best entry I've read yet... besides mine. lol
Seriously though, this is something special. Love the conflict, a deadly trek through an 'alien' swamp in a race to get to an advanced weapons complex and try to save the world from the 'Errant Moon'. Gives a wonderful tale to the pic provided.
At first, I wondered why you didn't call it 'Errant Moon', and then I figured the 'Collision Course' might also be referring to these two men, and I wasn't disappointed... well, not totally... let me explain.
The ending pulled up a bit short, but that was fine. Who cares if he succeeds or not? At least he 'tries'. lol So, I get it, and didn't hate it.
However, the expository 'comic-book villain rant' you used to explain everything near the end turned me off a bit. But, I guess that was fine, too. Hell, I loved some of the James Bond movies that included similar rants. So that I was willing to forgive.
Where I felt a twinge of disappointment was with the explanation itself and Desh's motivation. I think you could have done a little better with the backstory. Desh killing everyone and being there to make sure they failed and that everyone on the planet dies was great, but, for that to fly I think he should have been a robot, or controlled by a chip in his brain or something, because your explaination was a tough one to swallow. You'd think even a dedicated agent tasked with his own world's demise might have second thoughts. That's what I suspected. And, I understood that he's somewhat of a psycho... and a zealot for his cause, but it was flimsy. A machine or someone controlled by a chip, now that would have been a bit more believable, and kind of scary.
Also, I hoped Chancer would have had some suspicions of Desh, maybe been a little smarter and sabotaged Desh's gun, or stole his bullets or something (cliche, I know). Just a thought... Maybe, to make it a true 'collision course', Chancer could have been planted in the group because the 'government' knew there would be an 'agent' from Earth sabotaging their efforts? Maybe Chance had survived through his savvy, instead of depending on the whim of Desh? Maybe Chance could have a gun of his own... Maybe these two had been dodging secret attempts to kill each other the whole time, knowing they were on a 'collision course' the whole time, and knowing they would openly confront each other once they got inside that complex.
Just some ideas on how the story might have been a bit more complex and interesting.
Hope you don't think I'm saying they're bettr ideas. The only reason I was able to think of them is that they were inspired by what's already in place and so worthy of thinking about, sort of add-ons to an already great story.
Great stories always inspire me to do this. I've rewritten movies in my head for years, but only movies I liked.
Thanks for sharing, I really enjoyed this. Good luck in the contest, I think this has a great chance of winning. And beyond that, if you wanted to use anything I threw out there, feel free.
Christian
Comment Written 09-Sep-2012
reply by the author on 10-Sep-2012
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Thanks so much, Christian. I love reviews like this, because it means you really got into the story, and that's the biggest compliment I can imagine. I love your concept of Chancer also being an agent, but for the 'good guys'. I might write this as a longer story soon, and that's an idea I'd definitely look into.
I really appreciate all the time and interest you've taken - it's really appreciated.
Mike
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Make certain you PM me once you decide to repost this. I'd actually be excited and interested to see what you'd done with it.
Thanks... I'd better become a fan if I'm not already. Always like your stuff anyway.
Christian
Comment from Curtis Hatch
I found this to be an interesting story. I read in eager anticipation of a solution to the problem. The characters were realistic, but the story left a lot of loose ends. Although, it was an interesting read. Curtis
reply by the author on 10-Sep-2012
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I found this to be an interesting story. I read in eager anticipation of a solution to the problem. The characters were realistic, but the story left a lot of loose ends. Although, it was an interesting read. Curtis
Comment Written 08-Sep-2012
reply by the author on 10-Sep-2012
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Thanks, Curtis :-). I purposefully avoided revealing whether Chancer succeeds, because to me the real story was the revelation of what wa happening and Desh's betrayal. Once their business was concluded, it felt complete, so I decided to end it there. I'm glad you enjoyed the read.
Mike
Comment from Scornwell
I liked your story, it was interesting and a good fit for the picture. The characters were well defined and their personalities came across well. The dialog sounded realistic and seemed appropriate for the characters. I didn't notice any mistakes or typos. Good luck in the contest.
reply by the author on 10-Sep-2012
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I liked your story, it was interesting and a good fit for the picture. The characters were well defined and their personalities came across well. The dialog sounded realistic and seemed appropriate for the characters. I didn't notice any mistakes or typos. Good luck in the contest.
Comment Written 08-Sep-2012
reply by the author on 10-Sep-2012
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Thank you, Scorn - I'm so glad you liked it :-).
Mike
Comment from Cindy Warren
I was expecting Desh to be a robot. I thought he was responsible for some of the deaths on the trip. I was a little surprised when he turned out to be human. The ending was unexpected. We have to guess if Chancer succeeds.
reply by the author on 10-Sep-2012
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I was expecting Desh to be a robot. I thought he was responsible for some of the deaths on the trip. I was a little surprised when he turned out to be human. The ending was unexpected. We have to guess if Chancer succeeds.
Comment Written 08-Sep-2012
reply by the author on 10-Sep-2012
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Thank you, Cindy :-). You're not the only one who thought that about Desh - I'm glad you enjoyed the read, and got into the story.
Mike
Comment from Aaron James
I have to be honest and say sci-fi is not my preferred genre for reading let alone writing so I found the prompt particularly uninspiring. I managed something but not anything along these lines. I think you do very well with your story. Your characters are well developed and the setting is clearly established. The interaction between the characters is believable with well written dialogue.
As I say not my genre but you were easily able to hold my interest and I admit I wondering what happened next.
Best of luck with the contest.
reply by the author on 10-Sep-2012
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I have to be honest and say sci-fi is not my preferred genre for reading let alone writing so I found the prompt particularly uninspiring. I managed something but not anything along these lines. I think you do very well with your story. Your characters are well developed and the setting is clearly established. The interaction between the characters is believable with well written dialogue.
As I say not my genre but you were easily able to hold my interest and I admit I wondering what happened next.
Best of luck with the contest.
Comment Written 08-Sep-2012
reply by the author on 10-Sep-2012
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Thanks very much, Aaron :-). I know what you mean about genres, but if I still managed to hold your interest, that's a great compliment. I'm glad you enjoyed it.
Mike
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Hi Mike. You're most welcome. The compliment is much deserved.
Aaron
