Whispers in the Wind
Viewing comments for Chapter 11 "Mother Moose Attack --by BROOK ANNE"Brook's best lead dog is struck deaf
21 total reviews
Comment from MissMerri
Your writing is simply astonishing to me. You capture so much of the emotions of the characters and feel of the landscape, the story is so dramatic and gripping... I don't see how this could be any better.
I only saw a couple of tiny things I'd want to fix... not enough to off-set the exceptional rating I feel this deserves.
***I might give him a reason for the (delete 'the' here) changing the time.
***sprawl out atop the sled lounging in an exaggerated way. (I don't think this is clear at all. Brook can't see how she looks, and neither can the reader, really, since "exaggerated way" doesn't tell us how she sprawled.)
I can't wait to read on. You have a great story going here.
Hugs... MM
reply by the author on 03-Apr-2012
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Your writing is simply astonishing to me. You capture so much of the emotions of the characters and feel of the landscape, the story is so dramatic and gripping... I don't see how this could be any better.
I only saw a couple of tiny things I'd want to fix... not enough to off-set the exceptional rating I feel this deserves.
***I might give him a reason for the (delete 'the' here) changing the time.
***sprawl out atop the sled lounging in an exaggerated way. (I don't think this is clear at all. Brook can't see how she looks, and neither can the reader, really, since "exaggerated way" doesn't tell us how she sprawled.)
I can't wait to read on. You have a great story going here.
Hugs... MM
Comment Written 03-Apr-2012
reply by the author on 03-Apr-2012
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Thanks for the suggestions/correction, MissM. You are a mighty good help!!! Luv, Marie
Comment from Phyllis Stewart
This appears to be a very well written adventure story for/about kids. Don't see many like this these days, and it's nice to see the genre lives on.
reply by the author on 26-Mar-2012
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This appears to be a very well written adventure story for/about kids. Don't see many like this these days, and it's nice to see the genre lives on.
Comment Written 25-Mar-2012
reply by the author on 26-Mar-2012
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Thanks, Phyllis. I like writing for this age group, but hope it's acceptable despite the lack of vampires and crime. I appreciate you review.
Comment from Trybuck
Women do have a way of wanting to control a situation just as Brook does with time she and James are supposed to meet.
Hope the dogs will be ok after their attack.
I didn't notice any spags but I'm not an expert either. Enjoyed this chapter, Buck
reply by the author on 26-Mar-2012
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Women do have a way of wanting to control a situation just as Brook does with time she and James are supposed to meet.
Hope the dogs will be ok after their attack.
I didn't notice any spags but I'm not an expert either. Enjoyed this chapter, Buck
Comment Written 25-Mar-2012
reply by the author on 26-Mar-2012
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Many thanks for giving your time to review this chapter.
Comment from LucidDreem
Good stuff. Your writing kept me reading through to the end, and I lose interest easily if I don't like the piece. A lot of the dialogue, especially in the beginning, feels real. The mishap with the moose is credible and happens in a real way.
Some errors I noticed:
"round of barking announce" *announces
"Under the bright moon a white turtleneck flashes his broad chest under an unzipped jacket." the verb 'flashes' feels odd here, doesn't really seem to fit what you're trying to say (that it shows his broad chest)
"His gaze switches to me and lingers until I feel a hot rash wash over me." Here the word 'rash' feels odd. I had an image of her literally and suddenly being covered by a rash
"I squirm and whine like his dogs" Picturing this in my head, it seems like a really weird thing to do. I'm not sure why anyone would act like this in the current situation
"I think the dogs beds are padded enough." *dogs'
"In a rush, I untie the sled and order my team into action. We follow behind " There's a weird line break here
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 25-Mar-2012
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Good stuff. Your writing kept me reading through to the end, and I lose interest easily if I don't like the piece. A lot of the dialogue, especially in the beginning, feels real. The mishap with the moose is credible and happens in a real way.
Some errors I noticed:
"round of barking announce" *announces
"Under the bright moon a white turtleneck flashes his broad chest under an unzipped jacket." the verb 'flashes' feels odd here, doesn't really seem to fit what you're trying to say (that it shows his broad chest)
"His gaze switches to me and lingers until I feel a hot rash wash over me." Here the word 'rash' feels odd. I had an image of her literally and suddenly being covered by a rash
"I squirm and whine like his dogs" Picturing this in my head, it seems like a really weird thing to do. I'm not sure why anyone would act like this in the current situation
"I think the dogs beds are padded enough." *dogs'
"In a rush, I untie the sled and order my team into action. We follow behind " There's a weird line break here
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 25-Mar-2012
reply by the author on 25-Mar-2012
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You are a marvel in noticing glitches. I agree with every one of your comments. Re-reading does that. Thanks so much for a great help. Marie
Comment from Gideon Roth
Hello. I thought this was a very well done chapter for your book. You have done an excellent job with character development and the dialogue is some of the best I have read. You have a talent with great descriptive writing and I hope to polish my own skills in this area as I further develop in my writing. No spag or errors of any kind that I could spot in this post. I did have one observation that I have place below for your consideration. It is not so much an error as it seems to flow better for me with the comma in this sentence. Keep up the great writing. This story is shaping up to be a great one...Gideon
Under the bright moon(,) a white turtleneck flashes his broad chest under an unzipped jacket.
reply by the author on 25-Mar-2012
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Hello. I thought this was a very well done chapter for your book. You have done an excellent job with character development and the dialogue is some of the best I have read. You have a talent with great descriptive writing and I hope to polish my own skills in this area as I further develop in my writing. No spag or errors of any kind that I could spot in this post. I did have one observation that I have place below for your consideration. It is not so much an error as it seems to flow better for me with the comma in this sentence. Keep up the great writing. This story is shaping up to be a great one...Gideon
Under the bright moon(,) a white turtleneck flashes his broad chest under an unzipped jacket.
Comment Written 25-Mar-2012
reply by the author on 25-Mar-2012
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Your compliments are most inspiring, Gideon. Thanks so much for taking time to review this chapter.
Comment from Gungalo
Wow this is a story of perseverance. For sure the dog is gonna make it but will it's owner. It's a totally awesome story you tell.
reply by the author on 25-Mar-2012
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Wow this is a story of perseverance. For sure the dog is gonna make it but will it's owner. It's a totally awesome story you tell.
Comment Written 25-Mar-2012
reply by the author on 25-Mar-2012
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Thank you so much for enjoying this story and for reviewing.
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My pleasure.
Comment from Jonesy
Bold choice to go with present tense, but thought it worked and didn't see any slip ups into past.
All in all, well written. Hard to comment on story, pace and so on because haven't read previous chapters, but like what this chapter had to say and gave me a sense of the characters.
***Background***
"Both live in a remote" Missing the rest of the sentence
reply by the author on 24-Mar-2012
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Bold choice to go with present tense, but thought it worked and didn't see any slip ups into past.
All in all, well written. Hard to comment on story, pace and so on because haven't read previous chapters, but like what this chapter had to say and gave me a sense of the characters.
***Background***
"Both live in a remote" Missing the rest of the sentence
Comment Written 24-Mar-2012
reply by the author on 24-Mar-2012
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It is a treat to read you looked for but did not find tense changes. That's a happy surprise. Thanks for noting incomplete sentence in 'background' and for the time you gave to this review. Very much appreciated! Marie
Comment from forestport12
I always love your dialogue Marie and I'm a fan of simple and moving pros. You do it here. Solid descriptions with just enough to make the reader imagine being there and but not stuffed with too much clutter. I know I'm not the only one who feels that way. Stan
reply by the author on 24-Mar-2012
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I always love your dialogue Marie and I'm a fan of simple and moving pros. You do it here. Solid descriptions with just enough to make the reader imagine being there and but not stuffed with too much clutter. I know I'm not the only one who feels that way. Stan
Comment Written 23-Mar-2012
reply by the author on 24-Mar-2012
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Your generous compliments are inspiring, Stan. I may finish this little novel yet. Thanks so much for the review. Marie
Comment from xxjsfuncxxxity
A compelling read and very well written, for the most part.
The following was un-usable, hopefully for obvious reasons...
''Shemya leads us in a slower, more gentler way back..."
Very interesting and fun to read. keep going...
cheers!
js
reply by the author on 23-Mar-2012
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A compelling read and very well written, for the most part.
The following was un-usable, hopefully for obvious reasons...
''Shemya leads us in a slower, more gentler way back..."
Very interesting and fun to read. keep going...
cheers!
js
Comment Written 23-Mar-2012
reply by the author on 23-Mar-2012
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Thanks for calling my attention to this phrase. I intended to delete the word 'more' and hope that helps. I appreciate your comments and review. Marie
Comment from Sasha
I love the moose photo too. My mother is from Canada and her favorite animal is the moose. Great chapter full of awesome and vivid imagery. I enjoyed it very much. I look forward to the next chapter.
reply by the author on 23-Mar-2012
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I love the moose photo too. My mother is from Canada and her favorite animal is the moose. Great chapter full of awesome and vivid imagery. I enjoyed it very much. I look forward to the next chapter.
Comment Written 22-Mar-2012
reply by the author on 23-Mar-2012
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Thanks so much for giving time to review this chapter. I'm glad you liked it and found some of the imagery vivid, Sasha.
