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43 total reviews
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Comment by | | Premier Author | | | | | Poet Rating
 Rank: 450 | Author Rating For Short Works
 | Author Rating For Novels
| Review Stars
 Rank: 319 | | | |
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Comment by | | Premier Author | | | | | Poet Rating
Rank: 56  (+1) | Author Rating For Short Works
| Author Rating For Novels
| Review Stars
Rank: 58 | | | | | | |
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Comment by | | Premier Author | | | | | Poet Rating
Rank: 300 | Author Rating For Short Works
| Author Rating For Novels
Rank: 5 | Review Stars
Rank: 34 | | | barbara.wilkey Recommends:
Chapter 11, part 2
The police have questions.
| Pays: | 10 points
10 member cents
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Comment by | | Premier Author | | | | | Poet Rating
Rank: 166 | Author Rating For Short Works
| Review Stars
 Rank: 141 | | | |
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WOW! This is superb, dear friend. Very moving, impressive and masterfully crafted. Extremely fresh and original rhyming, flawless meter (except for two or three lines noted below where the scansion is slightly forced, but not 'wrong'). Other than a few minor nits and suggestions, this is an exquisite work. A masterpiece.
I think this stands a chance to win the contest.
Notes and suggestions--(but mostly praises!)
Surrendering in lust from autumn gusts.
A week, a month, perchance some years sublime
Stand firm until the breath of life adjusts.
Very nice rhyming and internal rhyme, too. Lots of lovely S sounds in these lines. The last line is superb in meaning too. The first line has excellent assonance of U.
Love these lines--deeply reflective and well expressed with superb rhyme pairs!--
The rise of each new dawn I memorize
And hope to trample quakes which shatter days,
A task so arduous to harmonize
With mind, the body and my soul assayed.
Love the meaning here and the super-fresh rhyming-
In thankfulness each day to be alive,
As funnel drops cascading granules,
We hopefully build memories which dive
Beyond the losses compromising rules.
Love the imagery and meaning, and the rhyme pairs here too-
I've learned from depth of oceans and high peaks,
In golden Aspen and tall Yucca blooms,
To cherish how the panorama leaks
And covers me in splendor that consumes.
Wow--potent stanza...
In rush of optimism 'gainst all odds
I move toward a rumbling mountain crest
With mobs of Satan's cells in fearsome squads --remarkable line! WOW!
In preparation to dissolve my zest. --good one, too.
Excellent couplet-
I grasp for deepest strength from drying well
In hope my smiles and laughter show and tell.
III
In hope my smiles and laughter show and tell
I put aside conversions and sly pain, ---interesting word choices!
Encircled in my family's heartfelt swell --lovely
With gratitude from all their love I gain. ---beautiful
One never knows the claims which change our path ---good alliteration
Very unique and potent stanza-
I'll not allow astonishment declare
Demise of life to flow with the insane.
Instead will flourish, faithful 'gainst this lair
Of criminals assaulting my domain.
Without full judgment from a human hand,
Almighty will critique the taint in life, ---WOW, awesome phrasing!
And offer arms which comfort and expand --lovely
Around the victims wrought with deadly strife.
Powerful closing couplet-
The power of my spirit is renewed
When letting God take over deathly feud.
WONDERFUL!
Excellent stanza- (and continued flow of theme thread)-
When letting God take over deathly feud
A sense of peace envelopes frightened mind
Where cancer is a word, an ailment lewd,
Which only has its power when psyches' blind.
*consider a comma here--optional:
In honesty(,) acknowledge death is stern,
* consider not using END twice.
And voice near end might quiver when end's near.
Alternative examples-
And voice near end might quiver when it's near.
And voice near end might quiver as it nears.
And voice near end might quiver drawing near.
The above lines are not wonderful either--I think that one line is not as eloquent or smooth flowing as the other lines in your exquisite sonnets...worth looking into a revision.The line is fine...but not fantastic..and when listed with so many fantastic ones, it stands out a bit.
Excellent metaphors here- and rhymes! Love angst and banks--WOW! so creative.
My actions must then overpower angst
To show my faith is Herculean force,
Believing peace will overshadow banks
In muddy-spattered sadness of remorse.
VERY POWERFUL stanza--with full emotional charge...the closing line is stoke of genius- and fine slant rhymes too.
To leave the ones I care about it seems
Brings inner screams and shouts which spurt and drip
Upon the walls of Jericho in streams
To puddle in unfairness at my crypt.
WOW--very unique and effective phrasing-
Let flatulence of cancer come to end
At finish line I'll finally transcend.
*IMO, the scansion sounds forced in this line-
And will surrender fear for peaceful death
Consider revising.
Good phrasing-
Nor be a martyr screaming out Macbeth.
Great word choices here--precision and care went into crafting this an all other stanzas--
I've seen the seeds of time in harvest met
A crop of blessings far above belief ---Love this line
Before disease engaged its lustful threat
The thought of death was far-off slothful thief.
*spag suggestion-
For often my appearance jests ill(')s sighs,
*accenting the word IS makes this sound slightly forced-
There is distaste for selfishness in guise,
Love this couplet-
All senses are now melodies that sing
For cures of certainty from evil's sting.
Awesome stanza-
For cures of certainty from evil's sting
The question of true quality of days
Is like a mirror faced with wane or bling
When coating cells which now have cureless glaze.
POignant stanza with high notes of hope and compassion-
Yet, every extra year could bring a cure,
And hopefulness within the golden years
To still discover purpose and secure
New meaning for another's desperate tears.
My state of self must offer others trust YES YES YES--love this line
That hiccups can be stabilized when gasp
Is held for just a minute then a thrust
Of optimism next to dance of asp. ---Not sure what asp is? Rhyme sounds slightly forced to me.
Wonderful consonance fo S in this, as well as alliteration on R, F and H--
Our seasons bring rebirth to perpetrate
A renaissance of species fostering
Humanity and nature's golden gate
From earthly sphere to heaven's rostering.
Good couplet-
Within survival's role with universe
Beginnings and an end must intersperse.
interesting line-
Discovery of breath and strength will shelf
A revelation voiced from Socrates
Love this stanza--and the skillful rhyming of love and of-plus other fine poetic devices...
Defining soul as endless essence of
A living being I believe transforms
To endless possibilities through love
With presence to confront destructive storms.
This is an excellent stanza as well, with superb consonance of C and S sounds and very fine rhyme pairs, too--
The music in my core will be my shield
In challenges confirming death will come,
But then there never was a doubt revealed,
Just when and where I hear the harpist strum.
Excellent closing note, letting the questions dangle in the reader's mind-
My life and death engage in sighs of 'why'?
There seems to be a struggle raging high.
What a wonderful poetic journey. thanks for sharing your intense experience of Cancer through this richly raw and honest emotionally charged write seasoned with high notes of hope, faith, mysticism and optimism.
Loved it!
A pleasure to review.
This would be six but for the small fine tuning nits...and it will be a strong contender for my vote in the contest.
Kudos and loving prayers,
rd
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Comment Written 19-Feb-2012 |
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reply by the author on 03-Mar-2012
Hello, rd. I have just copied this absolutely amazing review so I can go over every word and hopefully fine tune from crown of sonnets. You truly are an angel to offer so much of your time in this piece and I greatly appreciate your fabulous encouragement and support. This was such a challenge for me and I feel so great you were able to capture the high notes of hope, faith, mysticism and optimism. Thank you so much and especially for the loving prayers. Love to you, Joycexx
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reply by rama devi on 03-Mar-2012
Thanks for your super-lovely response dear Joyce Blessings and more loving prayers, rd
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Comment by | | Premier Author | | | | | Poet Rating
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Comment by | | Premier Author | | | Premier Reader | | | Poet Rating
Rank: 401 (+2) | Author Rating For Short Works
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Rank: 315 | | | |
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Magnificent work, dear Joyce. My soul was turned upside down when I read it. An incredible journey of survival, hope and prayer. You are a fighter with a will power which is unsurpassed.
Wonderful use of iambs throughout. Your genius comes strong in this one, dearest one, and I sat there, mentally applauding the verse which Shakespeare would be proud of. This is the kind of work that stays with and transforms the reader forever; such is the power of a magnificent written word.
Lots of great lines and metaphors throughout, like these:
I've learned from depth of oceans and high peaks,
In golden Aspen and tall Yucca blooms,
To cherish how the panorama leaks
And covers me in splendor that consumes.
Wow...
" With mobs of Satan's cells in fearsome squads"
I'll not allow astonishment declare
Demise of life to flow with the insane.
Instead will flourish, faithful 'gainst this lair
Of criminals assaulting my domain.
The last line struck me to the heart.
Verse VI - a lot of power and hope in these lines:
Yet, every extra year could bring a cure,
And hopefulness within the golden years
To still discover purpose and secure
New meaning for another's desperate tears.
A power of positive thinking does wonders!
Yes, the power of prayer and positive thinking is better cure than all medicines combined.
Love your mentioning Socrates toward the end - it gave the verse an eternal touch, sealed by the timeless Greek wisdom.
This was astounding, Joyce. Thank you so much for joining with this finest entry of all times. You are an incredible talent and an inspiration.
Love, Yelena
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Comment Written 19-Feb-2012 |
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reply by the author on 03-Mar-2012
Your review and rating was astounding, Yelena, and I thank you once again for your thorough and so encouraging review. Love, Joycexxxx
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