Chasing the Dragon
The debatable merits and dangers of meddling40 total reviews
Comment from Bhorath
I enjoyed the story. In a way it kind of reminded me of the Shadowrun Universe created a while back by Tom Dowd. The troubles of science versus business versus discovery was ever present and the use of a dragon's head as its focus was interesting.
Likes:
The flow of the story was good. The conversational pieces added to the flavour of the story. There were no major errors in spelling or grammar but I am not a grammar dictator.
Dislikes:
From the content of the story and what you have tried to achieve its a little short for the desired effect. With such a small word count you might want to focus rapid view change rather than protracted discovery. Think of it like the difference between a Miss Marple mystery and a cartoon like scooby doo. One grips your attention and offers a vested interested when the reveal comes. The other provides a reveal more rabidly but using a lessened time factor means characters are not so quickly appreciated.
Overall:
Nice story, clear focus and plot arc. Perhaps in future when writing stories like this think of how much you want to cover and whether its achieavable in a few thousand words.
reply by the author on 19-Jun-2012
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I enjoyed the story. In a way it kind of reminded me of the Shadowrun Universe created a while back by Tom Dowd. The troubles of science versus business versus discovery was ever present and the use of a dragon's head as its focus was interesting.
Likes:
The flow of the story was good. The conversational pieces added to the flavour of the story. There were no major errors in spelling or grammar but I am not a grammar dictator.
Dislikes:
From the content of the story and what you have tried to achieve its a little short for the desired effect. With such a small word count you might want to focus rapid view change rather than protracted discovery. Think of it like the difference between a Miss Marple mystery and a cartoon like scooby doo. One grips your attention and offers a vested interested when the reveal comes. The other provides a reveal more rabidly but using a lessened time factor means characters are not so quickly appreciated.
Overall:
Nice story, clear focus and plot arc. Perhaps in future when writing stories like this think of how much you want to cover and whether its achieavable in a few thousand words.
Comment Written 18-Jun-2012
reply by the author on 19-Jun-2012
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Thank you, Bhorath. Lack if planning is one of my issues as a writer; I quite often havevnovidea where a story is going until I'm writing it, because that's when all the ideas start to flare. As a result, I'm often guilty of using a short story to feel out a plot for a much longer work. This is one such story, as it's a major part of a planned novel (amongst three others) that i'll hopefully get to shortly.
Thanks so much for the great review, and for offering your insights. It all helps, and I very much appreciate it.
Mike
Comment from getsconfuse
Wow the only thing I didn't like was it not continuing. I not into the horror and thriller science fantasy too much yet I love this story.
reply by the author on 29-May-2012
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Wow the only thing I didn't like was it not continuing. I not into the horror and thriller science fantasy too much yet I love this story.
Comment Written 28-May-2012
reply by the author on 29-May-2012
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Thanks so much, GC :-). I'm trilled you enjoyed the read!
Mike
Comment from rzubey
I really loved the twists and turns in this story. All of my favorite writing is twisty. I didn't know what to expect so I really loved the surprises. Really great writing.
reply by the author on 03-May-2012
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I really loved the twists and turns in this story. All of my favorite writing is twisty. I didn't know what to expect so I really loved the surprises. Really great writing.
Comment Written 02-May-2012
reply by the author on 03-May-2012
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Thanks so much. It's not often I get a review on a piece from a while ago. Purely out of interest, how did you find the story - which section of the site was it on?
Mike
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I had it bookmarked on my computer from some time ago. I don't remember how long ago I put it there. I decided to catch up on my reading so there it was. As you can see by my review I really enjoyed your story, too.
Comment from agies123
I like how you wrote the story so it seemed like time stopped while I was reading the story.There is something I didn't like about the story and that is the cuss words.You see I'm not a cuss words fan.But otherwise it was a really good story.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 06-Feb-2012
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I like how you wrote the story so it seemed like time stopped while I was reading the story.There is something I didn't like about the story and that is the cuss words.You see I'm not a cuss words fan.But otherwise it was a really good story.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 05-Feb-2012
reply by the author on 06-Feb-2012
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Thank you, Agies. I'm grateful you took the time to read and review, and I know you liked it, because you've become a fan (very much appreciated). Did you really knock two stars off the rating just for the swear words, though? I made sure to activate the warning to appear at the top. I don't use them for the sake of it - only where I want to create a certain character and a specific mood, of coraseness and threat ...
Mike
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Sorry about that but I really don't like swear words.
Comment from Rob Caudle
I loved this! I'm new to Fanstory, and stumbled on this piece. Great similes and metaphors! It is wonderful in its visualizations, mood, imagery and story. You said that you wrote it in a frenzy and it is reflected in the mood of the story. Wow!
I just have a couple of comments/questions. In the opening paragraph I was thinking that there should be a semi-colon after played through his mind.
The only other thing I was thinking was that maybe instead of saying his traitor mind, might traitorous work?
I look incredibly forward to reading more of your work!
reply by the author on 06-Feb-2012
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I loved this! I'm new to Fanstory, and stumbled on this piece. Great similes and metaphors! It is wonderful in its visualizations, mood, imagery and story. You said that you wrote it in a frenzy and it is reflected in the mood of the story. Wow!
I just have a couple of comments/questions. In the opening paragraph I was thinking that there should be a semi-colon after played through his mind.
The only other thing I was thinking was that maybe instead of saying his traitor mind, might traitorous work?
I look incredibly forward to reading more of your work!
Comment Written 05-Feb-2012
reply by the author on 06-Feb-2012
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Thanks so much Rob; what a great review :-). I think semi-colons are probably more debated than any other punctuation, lol :-). In this case, I think it works, but a comma would have done if there weren't so many following. I don't subscribe to the modern obsession with ultra-short sentences, so I try to avoid full stops unless I mean them.
Ah well, now I just need to figure out what to write next. Thanks again!
Mike
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your welcome Judith Moore once told me if you don't know what to write read might I suggest SOME OF IT"S MAGIC [lol] Rob
Comment from rashi kumar
Terrifying it is!
So much of detailed phrasing, very effective!
Very well-written and presented with appealing plot and dialogues.
Her head's lifeless?? It did scare me, creepy too.
A work of high calibre!
reply by the author on 06-Feb-2012
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Terrifying it is!
So much of detailed phrasing, very effective!
Very well-written and presented with appealing plot and dialogues.
Her head's lifeless?? It did scare me, creepy too.
A work of high calibre!
Comment Written 05-Feb-2012
reply by the author on 06-Feb-2012
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Thank you, rashi :-). I do love writing those details - for me, they make the atmosphere of a story.
Mike
Comment from DionysusDeVille
Talk about dark, this is darker than dark, and you have an excellent way of describing the scene and the dismememberment. Good job
reply by the author on 06-Feb-2012
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Talk about dark, this is darker than dark, and you have an excellent way of describing the scene and the dismememberment. Good job
Comment Written 04-Feb-2012
reply by the author on 06-Feb-2012
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Thank you, Kirby - I'm so glad you enjoyed it :-)
Mike
Comment from lujirac
I like the idea of science running amok. Who would think the dragon would be so intelligent. Another thing I liked was Lance's doubts and then his decision to play god. I think the first scene might have worked better later. I was intrigued by what happens after the beast is loosed. Does it continue its rampage or not? And why chase Lance who seemed to love and respect it? If Beatrice was so intelligent how did she turn so vicious. But all in all it was and interesting idea.
reply by the author on 06-Feb-2012
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I like the idea of science running amok. Who would think the dragon would be so intelligent. Another thing I liked was Lance's doubts and then his decision to play god. I think the first scene might have worked better later. I was intrigued by what happens after the beast is loosed. Does it continue its rampage or not? And why chase Lance who seemed to love and respect it? If Beatrice was so intelligent how did she turn so vicious. But all in all it was and interesting idea.
Comment Written 04-Feb-2012
reply by the author on 06-Feb-2012
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I loved the idea that a species so ancient could actually evolve at an exponantial rate if its 'distractions' were removed - such as the need to hunt and feed and breed. With nothing else in the way, how grand might its brain become?
I wanted to leave the end open for readers to decide. The idea was that Beatrice detonated the lab - possibly out of anger or a need to die, or possibly just to cover her digital escape ...
Thanks for reading :-)
Mike
Comment from livingwords
This is as good as it gets on Fanstory. Your opening is powerful and grabs the reader, never letting go. Your words and phrasing are endlessly creative and interesting, adding depth to the prose. I admire your work. I rarely say that about anyone but myself. Lol . Dan :))
It's times like this, I curse the limits of sixes. Wish I could give a seven.
reply by the author on 06-Feb-2012
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This is as good as it gets on Fanstory. Your opening is powerful and grabs the reader, never letting go. Your words and phrasing are endlessly creative and interesting, adding depth to the prose. I admire your work. I rarely say that about anyone but myself. Lol . Dan :))
It's times like this, I curse the limits of sixes. Wish I could give a seven.
Comment Written 04-Feb-2012
reply by the author on 06-Feb-2012
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Thanks so much, Dan. The main problem I have is deciding what to write about!
Mike
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Yeah, Hemmingway had the same problem. LOL. Dan :))
Comment from Mastery
Hi, Mike. You should have entered this in the "Horror Story" contest recently or ongoing, I'm not sure. Your first paragraph is gripping: great "hook"
I do think some of the sentences should be in italics to show "thoughts"
A few more remarks if I may:
" and a tiny twang of disappointment touched him inside." (either leave the word "inside out altogether, or make it read: "He felt a twinge of disappointment"
"Wren rushed over and killed the power on the arm so she could lift it from the dog's skin. As she pushed it away, a rumbling growl filled the air. Lance watched helplessly as Dougie's head reared up, froth bubbling between his bared lips, his eyes flooded red. Wren was examining the wound left by the syringe, and had no chance to avoid his jaws as they parted and crunched down into her neck. She screamed as the enraged dog bore her to the floor, snarling and gnashing as blood drenched his muzzle. Gurgles replaced shouts as he chewed through her throat, snapping muscle and sinew with great yanks of his head." Great imagery, Mike.
Bravo, Mike! (btw...I just posted a new chapter...case yur interested...wink...Bob
reply by the author on 06-Feb-2012
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Hi, Mike. You should have entered this in the "Horror Story" contest recently or ongoing, I'm not sure. Your first paragraph is gripping: great "hook"
I do think some of the sentences should be in italics to show "thoughts"
A few more remarks if I may:
" and a tiny twang of disappointment touched him inside." (either leave the word "inside out altogether, or make it read: "He felt a twinge of disappointment"
"Wren rushed over and killed the power on the arm so she could lift it from the dog's skin. As she pushed it away, a rumbling growl filled the air. Lance watched helplessly as Dougie's head reared up, froth bubbling between his bared lips, his eyes flooded red. Wren was examining the wound left by the syringe, and had no chance to avoid his jaws as they parted and crunched down into her neck. She screamed as the enraged dog bore her to the floor, snarling and gnashing as blood drenched his muzzle. Gurgles replaced shouts as he chewed through her throat, snapping muscle and sinew with great yanks of his head." Great imagery, Mike.
Bravo, Mike! (btw...I just posted a new chapter...case yur interested...wink...Bob
Comment Written 04-Feb-2012
reply by the author on 06-Feb-2012
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Thanks, Bob. I'd have considered entering this, except I'd already entered Travelling to Nowhere. Good thought on the unnecessary 'inside' - I'll rework that sentence. Now, a new chapter, you say?
Mike
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Yes...called The Wreckage" Thank you...Bob
