Free Skies and Butterflies
rhyme, inspired by Gungalo's The Day The Sky Opened... 		Pays: 8 points.
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A ROUGH BEGINNING


Viewing comments for Chapter 10 "Chapter Five - Part One"

Irish immigrants seeking a new life in the USA.

  75 total reviews 
Comment by
2009-2012 Poet Of The Year
adewpearl
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Excellent
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Excellent dialogue that sounds natural and uses dialect well
I'm finished, Mum - add comma for direct address
Love the mother/child exchange about stair safety :-)
Brooke


 Comment Written 30-Jan-2012


reply by the author on 30-Jan-2012
    Thank you for your review and comments, Brooke. I will make the Change. Charlie
Comment by
rightforyou
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Charley

I enjoyed this chapter so very well done..I liked the flow along with the energy that your words carry. I found nothing that needs to be changed or corrected. I am looking forward to reading more...Thanks Ron


 Comment Written 30-Jan-2012


reply by the author on 30-Jan-2012
    Thank you for your review and comments, Ron. Charlie
Comment by
robyn corum
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Another fine chapter, placing me bak in the time. I like the little personality of Caitlin. It's good to me to see that the hubby has disappeared - hope he stays gone!


 Comment Written 30-Jan-2012


reply by the author on 30-Jan-2012
    Thank you for your review and comments, Robo. Charlie
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sweetwoodjax
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this si very well written, charlie, you did a great job writing this chapter showing joanne as a precocious little five year old who captured everybody's heart. i enjoyed reading it


 Comment Written 30-Jan-2012


reply by the author on 30-Jan-2012
    Thank you for your review and comments, Jax. Charlie
Comment by
Abrie Malherbe
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Exceptional
This work has reached the exceptional level
This is without a doubt a very exceptional piece of writing.

The style and grammar is very well done and the story is told in a very believable manner.

You definitely manage to achieve the "strong Irish brogue" voice tone.

I thoroughly enjoyed reading the chapter and I am looking forward to seeing more of your work on fanstory.

Well done.


 Comment Written 30-Jan-2012


reply by the author on 30-Jan-2012
    Thank you for your review, comments and stars, DB. Charlie
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KinaSalad
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Hi there Charles, I enjoyed reading your chapter here. Caitlin certainly has grown to a young wee lassy. Thanks for sharing


 Comment Written 30-Jan-2012


reply by the author on 30-Jan-2012
    Thank you for your review and comments, Kina. Charlie
Comment by
Sheik S. Peer
 
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lovely opening paragraph that sets the scene, creates interest and provides details to form a picture in the readers mind.


"Yes, Mum." Caitlin's nervous energy was apparent in the way she shifted her feet.

The option is the be more concise with the above sentence, "Yes,Mom." Caitlin shifted her feet.
Let the reader come to the conclusion that the child is nervous. It is show by the shifting of her feet.

Overall the Dialogue goes a long way to develop the characters and drive the chapter beginning to end. Writing any type of slang dialect is a challenge whether it be Irish, Scottish or Welsh. Good work


 Comment Written 30-Jan-2012


reply by the author on 30-Jan-2012
    Thank you for your review and comments, Sheik. Charlie
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AprilShower
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Looks like Miss Caitlin has a lot of energy. Her mother is teaching her how to do her chores and good manners. Wonder what happened to the father. Good story, Charlie. I enjoyed reading it. I thought the story is well done. Caitlin is growing up fast.

April



 Comment Written 30-Jan-2012


reply by the author on 30-Jan-2012
    Thank you for your review and comments, April. As will be pointed out, he fled becaused he thought Mrs. Kennedy placed a curse on him. Charlie

reply by AprilShower on 30-Jan-2012
    You're welcome, Charlie. Thank you, for letting me know about her husband.
    April
Comment by
Chris Davis
 
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Another nice offering, Charlie. Your writing is well-done as always. :) After so many views, it doesn't surprise me at all that there is nothing for me to find awry, even if there had been to begin with. I look forward to more... :)


 Comment Written 30-Jan-2012


reply by the author on 30-Jan-2012
    Thank you for your review and comments, Chris. Charlie

reply by Chris Davis on 30-Jan-2012
    You're welcome! :)
Comment by
Tonulak
Ted Onulak
Chasing the poetry in my mind
 
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Hi Charlie,
you are keeping up with the dialect very well and consistantly and the intimate portrait of mother and child were very well done. I thought was was a very lovely and tranquil scene. Great job--Ted


 Comment Written 30-Jan-2012


reply by the author on 30-Jan-2012
    Thank you for your review and comments, Tonulak. Charlie
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To Be Or Not To Be
Rhyming quatrains


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