FanStory.com - Reviews For Alive and Awake

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Stand Strong

Viewing comments for Chapter 2 "Alive and Awake"
Social pressures threaten a childhood friendship

87 total reviews

Comment from arnie47

Exceptional

This work has reached the exceptional level

At first I thought this was really going to be NOT my cup of tea, but as I read I found myself continuously scrolling down wanting to know what was going to happen next. I thought you really did a great job defining teen age girls, Christian teen age girls and their dilemmas. I felt you defined the friendship between Mara and Jujee very well. Nice job all the way through.

Comment Written 17-Mar-2018

reply by the author on 17-Mar-2018

Hi, Arnie. Thank you very much for your very encouraging review. Your insights are most helpful, and I am grateful for all the time you took to point out what you felt worked in the chapter. That's always so helpful!

:) Bev

Comment from mvbrooks

Excellent

Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted

The two characters of the teen girls come across as realistic and their dialogue rings true. Using the slangy term "swag" fits today -- but it may date the story as that's a term that has a short shelf-life with teens. The conflict is set up well and is intriguing and captures the reader's interest.

This is very well-written and you've obviously spent time editing. Overall, the writing is tight.

There are a couple places where the writing could be tighter--is that feedback you seek?

For example, consider using less (or even no) adverbs. In the case of this sentence, " opened her mouth to apparently continue the discussion...
I'd recommend removing "apparently" as it adds nothing to the sentence and works well in its absence.

In the case of "Mara's heart thudded in her chest." As my English teacher would say "we expect her heart to be in her chest. You only have to tell us where it is if it's somewhere we don't expect it." So I would suggest omitting "in her chest."

In the sentence, " She threw up her hand to ward off a hot iron-fisted Jujee." you need to include "hot" as part of your hyphenated adjective "hot-iron-fisted" otherwise you are saying she is "iron-fisted" which is different from "hot-iron-fisted."

A suggestion:
In the sentence "... highlighting the areas for the best camera angles and viewing of the band." Concern is "viewing of the band" sounds formal and doesn't fit the sentence. Suggest you make it parallel by matching the wording of "for the best camera angles" by rewording as "for the best camera angels and for viewing the band."

Comment Written 16-Mar-2018

reply by the author on 16-Mar-2018

Hello. Thank you very much for your feedback and suggestions. Also, I appreciate you taking time to read the chapter.

I have only one comment on the use of adverbs. I do know well the prevailing opinion on adverbs, which is to use them
sparingly :) The interesting thing is how often that rule is broken by writers far more talented than I am. A case in point:
The Kingkiller Chronicles, which is by Patrick Rothfuss and has won more accolades than I will ever hope to in my lifetime. The author uses them with wanton abandon. But I believe they can be overused, so your point is noted and appreciated!

:) Bev

reply by mvbrooks on 16-Mar-2018

I agree that zero adverbs is not a realistic goal. I actually don't consciously look for them. In this case, the one stuck out for me--yet, if you used others, they were smoothly intertwined in your skillful prose.

reply by the author on 16-Mar-2018

Thanks again for your help!

Comment from Joy Graham

Excellent

Hi Bev,

I'm so glad to see a post from you :) This is a terrific story that Christian teens would enjoy. I like your characters already. I'm wondering if this boy is going to be treat her nice? Enquiring minds want to know lol! Looking forward to your next chapter.

Joy xx

Comment Written 15-Mar-2018