The Blue Lights Of Rensselaer
Based on a real phenom40 total reviews
Comment from Azoron2
Very good. I know you were limited by a word count, but I think you can write an extended version and include some things.
First, some more detailed descriptions on the boys and deputy and area.
Second, More information on the four boys. Where did the get the pot and beer? Who's truck and Who was driving? Are these four trouble makers? Did they makes plans and where at?(school, over the phone)
Third, give the deputy a reason for being out there such as he's tired of filling out missing person reports.
Fourth, go into more of the fictional legend.
Fifth, have a co-worker of the deputy's tell the story, including the last paragraph in the story.
  |
Very good. I know you were limited by a word count, but I think you can write an extended version and include some things.
First, some more detailed descriptions on the boys and deputy and area.
Second, More information on the four boys. Where did the get the pot and beer? Who's truck and Who was driving? Are these four trouble makers? Did they makes plans and where at?(school, over the phone)
Third, give the deputy a reason for being out there such as he's tired of filling out missing person reports.
Fourth, go into more of the fictional legend.
Fifth, have a co-worker of the deputy's tell the story, including the last paragraph in the story.
Comment Written 22-Aug-2011
Comment from Paradox Tremors
A wonderful story my friend. Well written. There are so many legends and stories all over the country about this and that, but--I like how you told this one. A great read. Best of luck to you in the contest.
reply by the author on 17-Aug-2011
|
A wonderful story my friend. Well written. There are so many legends and stories all over the country about this and that, but--I like how you told this one. A great read. Best of luck to you in the contest.
Comment Written 17-Aug-2011
reply by the author on 17-Aug-2011
-
Hi there! Thank you! I am just happy you enjoyed this...If you want, Google "Moody Lights", I think that will tell more about these. It's so odd. I am always fascinated by these sorts of things! Thank you again!! ")) xoxo, susan
Comment from CALLAHANMR
Hi Susan:)
Legends vary and I've been told of missing folk where the blue swamp lights flicker in the swamps and bayous of Louisiana.
Superstitions run amok and water moccasins slither near the gator holes but missing names are scarce even in the Blach Bayou where Blackwater Hattie once warned, "Don't come calling again!"
Great campfire stories to keep the kid in line or....
Good luck in the contest. I'm out of sixes early this week so I'll just send you some more virtual Irish hugs for good luck.
Roger
reply by the author on 17-Aug-2011
|
Hi Susan:)
Legends vary and I've been told of missing folk where the blue swamp lights flicker in the swamps and bayous of Louisiana.
Superstitions run amok and water moccasins slither near the gator holes but missing names are scarce even in the Blach Bayou where Blackwater Hattie once warned, "Don't come calling again!"
Great campfire stories to keep the kid in line or....
Good luck in the contest. I'm out of sixes early this week so I'll just send you some more virtual Irish hugs for good luck.
Roger
Comment Written 17-Aug-2011
reply by the author on 17-Aug-2011
-
Hey there! Your review is better than this story! Wow Roger! I wish you'd write me a bayou tale. I was going to shut down, just having such health trouble, but then along comes one of my favorite Fanfriends...OH! ")) Thank you! Susan
-
Hey there! Your review is better than this story! Wow Roger! I wish you'd write me a bayou tale. I was going to shut down, just having such health trouble, but then along comes one of my favorite Fanfriends...OH! ")) Thank you! Susan
Comment from Changeisgood
Realist, I give five for sparing me gore. You were able to do a horror story with just the feeling, but it is eerie than no sound was made, and that the deeputy, shortly before his abduction, didn't see the boys, as if he were in a different time. A complete mystery. My first guess was swamp gas but you say it isn't. So, I don't know. But well written and a good pace. Changeisgood
reply by the author on 17-Aug-2011
|
Realist, I give five for sparing me gore. You were able to do a horror story with just the feeling, but it is eerie than no sound was made, and that the deeputy, shortly before his abduction, didn't see the boys, as if he were in a different time. A complete mystery. My first guess was swamp gas but you say it isn't. So, I don't know. But well written and a good pace. Changeisgood
Comment Written 17-Aug-2011
reply by the author on 17-Aug-2011
-
HI there! I really appreciate this detailed and fun review. It's so neat to hear people's thoughts about this! I have seen these, and if you like, Google "Moody Lights" , it's really interesting? Thank you again! Susan
Comment from RWGoldsmith
I've heard of these lights and they are certainly a good choice for a contest entry.
As for the writing itself, you did a fine job in developing the characters in such a short work, and your dialogue and prose are easy and clear to read.
There is one part of the story that did not work for me: the two descriptions of the lights. "And over in the dark of night, the blue lights played, dim for now, they watched, waited, and danced in excitement at the coming of the game ... AND No sound was heard as he was taken. No scream. No struggling. Nothing. And the blue lights laughed."
Just an opinion but I believe the story would work better if these lines were simply cut. No explanation is given as to the what "the game" is that they are playing which leaves me feeling like the narrator is holding back vital information. Also the lights seem to behave in human ways which takes some of the suspense away. Then there is this: "No sound was heard as he was taken... And the blue lights laughed." No sound and mentioning laughter seems contradictory.
Mostly, I think that by focusing the pov on the lights so closely diminishes mystery and suspense, but that's just my opinion.
All in all, the piece is well done.
reply by the author on 17-Aug-2011
 |
I've heard of these lights and they are certainly a good choice for a contest entry.
As for the writing itself, you did a fine job in developing the characters in such a short work, and your dialogue and prose are easy and clear to read.
There is one part of the story that did not work for me: the two descriptions of the lights. "And over in the dark of night, the blue lights played, dim for now, they watched, waited, and danced in excitement at the coming of the game ... AND No sound was heard as he was taken. No scream. No struggling. Nothing. And the blue lights laughed."
Just an opinion but I believe the story would work better if these lines were simply cut. No explanation is given as to the what "the game" is that they are playing which leaves me feeling like the narrator is holding back vital information. Also the lights seem to behave in human ways which takes some of the suspense away. Then there is this: "No sound was heard as he was taken... And the blue lights laughed." No sound and mentioning laughter seems contradictory.
Mostly, I think that by focusing the pov on the lights so closely diminishes mystery and suspense, but that's just my opinion.
All in all, the piece is well done.
Comment Written 17-Aug-2011
reply by the author on 17-Aug-2011
-
Hi RW~ I don't know what to do about this. You have a really valid point...but I do understand what I mean, maybe others don't tho? So confusing...I will read this in a few days and maybe have a fresh view of it...your thoughts are most welcome and I do appreciate your explanation! ")) Susan
-
Hi RW~ I don't know what to do about this. You have a really valid point...but I do understand what I mean, maybe others don't tho? So confusing...I will read this in a few days and maybe have a fresh view of it...your thoughts are most welcome and I do appreciate your explanation! ")) Susan
-
I made a mistake in my review. I didn't intend to say I'd cut "No sound was heard as he was taken. No scream. No struggling. Nothing."
That definitely has to be left in.
-
Oh, good! I was thinking I'd leave it? I know how it is to be tired and sometimes rushed...I am trying to wait a few days to read it again, so it will be 'fresh'? Thank you again, your input is great! Susan
Comment from Spiritual Echo
You painted a picture full of eerie images and your footnotes enforce the notion that Rosswell can be anywhere.
Great writing, terrific characters and mood development.
reply by the author on 17-Aug-2011
|
You painted a picture full of eerie images and your footnotes enforce the notion that Rosswell can be anywhere.
Great writing, terrific characters and mood development.
Comment Written 17-Aug-2011
reply by the author on 17-Aug-2011
-
HI Ingrid...Thank you! I am happy to hear from you! How are things? I think of you and always hope all is well...Did you get my email? Hope! ")) Susan
-
not sure....on site? Never got the answer why you were being picked on...can always email me diect ingrid.thomson@qualigem.ca
-
No, I sent a regular email ! ?? Hmmm. I will pm you with my email? S.
Comment from robina1978
What a great contest entry.
Don't understand why I did not read it before.
Is a nice and exciting legend.
Held my attention all the way.
Like these kind of stories and not too long -LOL.
Characters and dialogues seemed realistic.
No tips to improve.
All the best for the contest or is it over already?
reply by the author on 17-Aug-2011
|
What a great contest entry.
Don't understand why I did not read it before.
Is a nice and exciting legend.
Held my attention all the way.
Like these kind of stories and not too long -LOL.
Characters and dialogues seemed realistic.
No tips to improve.
All the best for the contest or is it over already?
Comment Written 17-Aug-2011
reply by the author on 17-Aug-2011
-
HI Ine...yes, I had one vote. Go to your "Voting Booths" to see ? I am so glad you enjoyed this tho....that alone makes it worthwhile! HUG! Susan
Comment from Margaret Snowdon
what a riveting story,
Susan.. and rather scary.
Stranger things have happened...
or so it's said.
How come I didn't get notification
for this write? I only picked it
up as it was on the front page.
That's strange. Margaret
reply by the author on 17-Aug-2011
|
what a riveting story,
Susan.. and rather scary.
Stranger things have happened...
or so it's said.
How come I didn't get notification
for this write? I only picked it
up as it was on the front page.
That's strange. Margaret
Comment Written 17-Aug-2011
reply by the author on 17-Aug-2011
-
Hi dear one...I am having major health issues and was going to cancel my account...I just can't keep up. I just can't ... so, then, forgot to save my work and reinstated things? Thank you for reading this and for this wonderful review too...I love you as a friend Margaret and hope to be back, but who knows...I hate getting behind like this. I can't do everything...xoxo....susan
-
Getting behind is no big deal, it's not important... just get well... that's what matters, dear friend. Margaret xx
Comment from jamma
I don't think I'll be going there anytime soon after this story. You scared me! Nice tale you spin here about the mysterious blue lights. Good writing.
reply by the author on 17-Aug-2011
|
I don't think I'll be going there anytime soon after this story. You scared me! Nice tale you spin here about the mysterious blue lights. Good writing.
Comment Written 17-Aug-2011
reply by the author on 17-Aug-2011
-
Hi Jamma...I love this review! Bless your heart, don't be afraid! In real life these are harmless! I have been in a car that tried to catch them...they just go way up and then back down. It's so odd tho...my girlfriend tho, she was crying and screaming...we had to leave to calm her down! ")) Thank you for this nice review! Hug! Susan
-
Hi Jamma...I love this review! Bless your heart, don't be afraid! In real life these are harmless! I have been in a car that tried to catch them...they just go way up and then back down. It's so odd tho...my girlfriend tho, she was crying and screaming...we had to leave to calm her down! ")) Thank you for this nice review! Hug! Susan
Comment from mumsyone
I'm from Illinois but have never heard of these blue lights in Indiana. It's an interesting story, though, and I wish you luck in the contest.
reply by the author on 16-Aug-2011
|
I'm from Illinois but have never heard of these blue lights in Indiana. It's an interesting story, though, and I wish you luck in the contest.
Comment Written 16-Aug-2011
reply by the author on 16-Aug-2011
-
Thank you Mumsy...just Google "Moody Lights" if you want. It's neat. I am very grateful for your review and time for me ! ")) Susan
