Welcome to the Three-Ring-Circus
A high school girl challenges her low self-esteem27 total reviews
Comment from juliaSjames
I have suffered from low self-esteem all my life. It's not easy to make friends although I am a friendly and thoughtful person. I am sure that there are many persons like me at varying stages of life who can relate to the message of your write. So, kudos for composing and posting it.
You do a good job of writing from Maryanne's POV. But you didn't go the next step of inhabiting her personality. I think that's why the storyline sounds so stilted and formal. Of course there are exceptions when you get into character - I enjoyed the Rip Van Winkle character, the school janitor, and Most Shocked.
A question? How did Susan become her friend if Maryanne finds it so hard to relate to her peers?
Is this review sounding negative? I'm sorry about that. Actually, I wonder if there isn't a frustrated scriptwriter living inside you? Because the story reads like a play.
You'll still have to work on your dialogue skills, though.
There are a number of formatting issues in the write. Most important (in my opinion at least) is finding a way to indicate when Maryanne is indulging in internal dialogue. Sometimes you use tags, "I thought" but maybe if you used italics it would be easy to spot her musings.
This is an inspirational story with an intriguing title. Perhaps you could have applied the metaphor throughout the write instead of at the beginning and end. But perhaps you did and I didn't notice.
Thank you for sharing.
reply by the author on 14-Sep-2011
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I have suffered from low self-esteem all my life. It's not easy to make friends although I am a friendly and thoughtful person. I am sure that there are many persons like me at varying stages of life who can relate to the message of your write. So, kudos for composing and posting it.
You do a good job of writing from Maryanne's POV. But you didn't go the next step of inhabiting her personality. I think that's why the storyline sounds so stilted and formal. Of course there are exceptions when you get into character - I enjoyed the Rip Van Winkle character, the school janitor, and Most Shocked.
A question? How did Susan become her friend if Maryanne finds it so hard to relate to her peers?
Is this review sounding negative? I'm sorry about that. Actually, I wonder if there isn't a frustrated scriptwriter living inside you? Because the story reads like a play.
You'll still have to work on your dialogue skills, though.
There are a number of formatting issues in the write. Most important (in my opinion at least) is finding a way to indicate when Maryanne is indulging in internal dialogue. Sometimes you use tags, "I thought" but maybe if you used italics it would be easy to spot her musings.
This is an inspirational story with an intriguing title. Perhaps you could have applied the metaphor throughout the write instead of at the beginning and end. But perhaps you did and I didn't notice.
Thank you for sharing.
Comment Written 14-Sep-2011
reply by the author on 14-Sep-2011
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Thank you for your review.
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You're welcome. peace and blessings, julia
Comment from purrfect tale
I really enjoyed this one! I read it just after posting my first short story so I immediately identified with your character's self doubts! I believe there are too many kids who feel isolated in our schools today. It was nice to see that she was not only helping herself, but helping the other people she was greetings as well!
reply by the author on 14-Sep-2011
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I really enjoyed this one! I read it just after posting my first short story so I immediately identified with your character's self doubts! I believe there are too many kids who feel isolated in our schools today. It was nice to see that she was not only helping herself, but helping the other people she was greetings as well!
Comment Written 14-Sep-2011
reply by the author on 14-Sep-2011
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Thank you for your review and rating.
Comment from rhonazayat
Loved the topic and the positive manner in which the character dealt with her problem. Loved the way each person in the story was given a personality and their response to the main character matched that personality. Need to work on punctuation, the use of then instead of than, and making the dialogue a little less contrived by using some slang or more casual tones in some instances. Enjoyed the positive message, keep up the good work!
reply by the author on 14-Sep-2011
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Loved the topic and the positive manner in which the character dealt with her problem. Loved the way each person in the story was given a personality and their response to the main character matched that personality. Need to work on punctuation, the use of then instead of than, and making the dialogue a little less contrived by using some slang or more casual tones in some instances. Enjoyed the positive message, keep up the good work!
Comment Written 14-Sep-2011
reply by the author on 14-Sep-2011
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Thank you for your review.
Comment from Cheryl In Minnesota
"Everybody's nobody ring" is clear, powerful, and effective in conveying meaning, right away. "Trying to reconnect with youthfulness" is very nice! Lack of motivation is an important issue to touch on. Good advice about believing you are a good person first, before others can see it. The smart, cute geek part made me smile. This was uplifting and encouraging. The kind of stuff I would want my 11 and 13 year olds to be reading.
reply by the author on 14-Sep-2011
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"Everybody's nobody ring" is clear, powerful, and effective in conveying meaning, right away. "Trying to reconnect with youthfulness" is very nice! Lack of motivation is an important issue to touch on. Good advice about believing you are a good person first, before others can see it. The smart, cute geek part made me smile. This was uplifting and encouraging. The kind of stuff I would want my 11 and 13 year olds to be reading.
Comment Written 14-Sep-2011
reply by the author on 14-Sep-2011
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Thank you for your review and rating. I am glad you liked the story. I know that it can use revisions and corrections, but the rating was nice. Some reviewers scored it average, and told me how to re write it. I can take it.
Comment from Linda England Bonam
This was a fantastic story you told here that I enjoyed reading so much. I am pleased to write a review for it! The message contained within your essay was very worthwhile and I am sure that there are many others who feel the same way. I had that 'warm, fuzzy' feeling after finishing it! Thanks for sharing, and keep up the good work!
reply by the author on 10-Sep-2011
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This was a fantastic story you told here that I enjoyed reading so much. I am pleased to write a review for it! The message contained within your essay was very worthwhile and I am sure that there are many others who feel the same way. I had that 'warm, fuzzy' feeling after finishing it! Thanks for sharing, and keep up the good work!
Comment Written 10-Sep-2011
reply by the author on 10-Sep-2011
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Thank you for you review and rating.
Comment from healfromwithin
My favorite line: mind like a computer in a discarded purse. I liked the closing idea.
There were many dialogue, punctuation, spelling and sentence structure problems. I have noted some of them. You will need to review the work and make additional corrections not noted here.
"...bed, (with) her knees..."
"...school, she thought<.>" "It'd be a three-ring.." (because this sentence has 4 commas, there is a run-on sentence feel to it, with too many subjects.
Since you are speaking in 3rd person at the opening, line 5, "I wonder...to reach out" needs to be in italics, showing a thought, not a quote or narrative.
Use of weighted would be better weighed (no T).
Paragraph, "Maryanne got on the bus..." has too many subjects. Remove some ANDS; break into multiple thoughts/sentences.
Switching from narrative (Maryanne) to first-person(I/me)writing is very confusing. Again, add italics to show that these are Maryanne's thoughts.
Punctuation is incorrect in many places during this "self dialogue," example: "Was this a new beginning, she..." (needs italics and no new sentence "she" should not be capitalized.
<">It's good to hear..." missing opening quotation.
You really need to run this piece through spell check and an editing program, to catch the basic technical/speech/grammatical errors.
Suggestion: read the piece aloud - several times. Ask yourself, would this character really speak like this?
In the paragraph starting, "Maryanne, I like you...," there are several times where you could make short, strong statements by eliminating the extra commas and ending run-on sentences. You could consider using a semicolon, which has a stronger, more emphasized break than a comma.
Use of commas throughout piece need lots of work, especially in this line: "She thought that maybe, if she waved or spoke first to other people<, add> they may respond, even though they would not have waved or spoken to her first." There are other places very similar to this. Again, every good work deserves the author's attention to detail.
"...been happier then today"
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My favorite line: mind like a computer in a discarded purse. I liked the closing idea.
There were many dialogue, punctuation, spelling and sentence structure problems. I have noted some of them. You will need to review the work and make additional corrections not noted here.
"...bed, (with) her knees..."
"...school, she thought<.>"
Since you are speaking in 3rd person at the opening, line 5, "I wonder...to reach out" needs to be in italics, showing a thought, not a quote or narrative.
Use of weighted would be better weighed (no T).
Paragraph, "Maryanne got on the bus..." has too many subjects. Remove some ANDS; break into multiple thoughts/sentences.
Switching from narrative (Maryanne) to first-person(I/me)writing is very confusing. Again, add italics to show that these are Maryanne's thoughts.
Punctuation is incorrect in many places during this "self dialogue," example: "Was this a new beginning, she..." (needs italics and no new sentence "she" should not be capitalized.
<">It's good to hear..." missing opening quotation.
You really need to run this piece through spell check and an editing program, to catch the basic technical/speech/grammatical errors.
Suggestion: read the piece aloud - several times. Ask yourself, would this character really speak like this?
In the paragraph starting, "Maryanne, I like you...," there are several times where you could make short, strong statements by eliminating the extra commas and ending run-on sentences. You could consider using a semicolon, which has a stronger, more emphasized break than a comma.
Use of commas throughout piece need lots of work, especially in this line: "She thought that
"...been happier then today"
Comment from mpetrangelo
I really don't know what to say, except this was a very good read. Interesting, and it paints a picture of how a person feels inside and outward. Emotions are in play, and I believe the reader can connect with the character here.
reply by the author on 31-Aug-2011
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I really don't know what to say, except this was a very good read. Interesting, and it paints a picture of how a person feels inside and outward. Emotions are in play, and I believe the reader can connect with the character here.
Comment Written 30-Aug-2011
reply by the author on 31-Aug-2011
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Thank you for your review and rating.
Comment from Charlene0513
To ElPoetry001,
This is a very enlightening story that is fillied with narrative comments. It truly does speak volumes when someone feels good about themseleves. Our self-esteem is a very important part of who we are and who we become in life.
Thanks so very much for sharing it.
Charlene
reply by the author on 28-Aug-2011
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To ElPoetry001,
This is a very enlightening story that is fillied with narrative comments. It truly does speak volumes when someone feels good about themseleves. Our self-esteem is a very important part of who we are and who we become in life.
Thanks so very much for sharing it.
Charlene
Comment Written 28-Aug-2011
reply by the author on 28-Aug-2011
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Thank you for your review and rating.
We have to teach our children to reach out; do not expect rejection; friendships will form.
Comment from pasinger
Start by liking yourself, told by a good friend.
Sometimes we concentrate on our own shortcomings or feelings of inadeqacy and don't realise their are so many around us feeling the same.
This story is very good for teenagers as they battle with this same problem, she took the initiative and did something about it once she knew what she had to do.
Please and thank you are fast disappearing, and these days it's hard to find a cheery smile, and if you smile at people they think you are strange.
i really enjoyed how this character dealt with all the reactions to her greetings, a god lesson there for all ages.
Thanks for sharing
reply by the author on 26-Aug-2011
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Start by liking yourself, told by a good friend.
Sometimes we concentrate on our own shortcomings or feelings of inadeqacy and don't realise their are so many around us feeling the same.
This story is very good for teenagers as they battle with this same problem, she took the initiative and did something about it once she knew what she had to do.
Please and thank you are fast disappearing, and these days it's hard to find a cheery smile, and if you smile at people they think you are strange.
i really enjoyed how this character dealt with all the reactions to her greetings, a god lesson there for all ages.
Thanks for sharing
Comment Written 26-Aug-2011
reply by the author on 26-Aug-2011
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Thank you for your review and rating.
Comment from Causey
Very good plot line and easy reading. Check pg. 13, read the sentence, I would remove (to). Also, I don't know if its the way your article was formatted, a few of the sentences got separated form there paragraph.
As I read this story, I could feel how this young girl must have felt. Keep the story going.
reply by the author on 26-Aug-2011
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Very good plot line and easy reading. Check pg. 13, read the sentence, I would remove (to). Also, I don't know if its the way your article was formatted, a few of the sentences got separated form there paragraph.
As I read this story, I could feel how this young girl must have felt. Keep the story going.
Comment Written 26-Aug-2011
reply by the author on 26-Aug-2011
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Thank you for your review and writing.
My middle name is Revision, it seems I hear it repeated often.
Thanks, I'll fix it.
