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Reviews from
The Slump


Baseball faces reality

  23 total reviews 
Comment by
Darla9
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I know very little about sports and even less about baseball(being from Europe) but I really enjoyed this story. I thought it was engaging and very well written. Well done :)


 Comment Written 31-May-2011



reply by the author on 31-May-2011
    Thank you for your warm review, Darla. I'm pleased you enjoyed it. Larry
Comment by
The Stranger
 
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a very true stry that tells the story of a once great sport become victims of a slump, as they say in sporting circles, "every dog shall have its day"


 Comment Written 30-May-2011



reply by the author on 30-May-2011
    Thanks for the warm review. I'm pleased you enjoyed it. Larry
Comment by
MercyWrites1000
 
 
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I don't usually read sport fiction, since I know little about sports, but I like reading different genres. I love the voice in this piece. I'll be pointing out some of the things that caught my eye in this review.

The glove shot from his hand, vaulting the players, as if they were quail leaping from the underbrush as it thudded against the back wall of the dugout. Nicely done. I love the play on words, especially the metaphor.


All through high school and college Bobby Brant was the "Ace", the "Go-to Guy" when you needed a win. He pitched 6 no hitters in high school and 2 in college. He was a big-time big league prospect. Even when he wasn't drafted into the pros until the fourth round due to a recent surgery, there was no doubt he would soon be on top of the rotation. He was simply that good and he knew it. Yet his broad smile, and his "Golly Gee, Aw Shucks, Pardon me Ma'am" persona were as genuine as his knowledge that he could throw a baseball better than almost anyone in the world. Until this season, that is. I really like this but I think you should cut some of the back story. It slows the action down.

When he finally faced the first hitter, the batter scorched the first pitch off the right centerfield wall for a double. I like this scene, and I felt like I could picture it.

Bobby could contain himself no longer. He pushed past the therapist and grabbed Jake in his arms and hugged him tightly. "Are you alright", the pitcher asked. "Yes", Jake answered. "Let me show you what I've learned." As Bobby let him go, Jake wriggled his body in position to get his right hand on the other bar. With great effort he captured the bar, turned his body straight and took two tentative steps forward. Bobby saw Jake's face rebound from the grimace of effort and pain to the elation that he was now able to step where he had not been before. "Wow' that was great, Jake", Bobby blurted as Jake returned a beaming smile. Bobby and the therapist assisted Jake into the chair. Jake, Bobby and the pitcher both have dialogues, so they should not be in the same paragraph.

"It's Bobby please, Jake, and it was the best game I ever played". Jake looked quizzically at Bobby so Bobby answered his unasked question. There are a few mistakes in this paragraph. The period should go inside the quotation mark. I would use the pronoun for Bobby's name so you want have two Bobby in the same paragraph. I think you should get rid of one of the "it" in the dialogue to something more specific.


As Bobby started the car, he giggled to himself. I don't see Bobby giggling. Maybe he laughed to himself.

Your characters are likeable, especially Bobby.












 Comment Written 29-May-2011



reply by the author on 30-May-2011
    Thank you for the thoughtful and kind review. I will review your suggestions and possibly incorporate them. Larry
Comment by
missyvamp
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Well I am no fan of sports (at all) so overall I didn't care for all those sports references. I did, however, enjoy the "inspiration-from-tragedy" in it, and it is very well written (which is what one should base a rating on, overall, not just what suits your fancy or not)...you must either have a knack for writing, or a good education, or perhaps both...in any case you are obviously intelligent.

OH wow, based on real characters! Did not read author's notes til after the end...that's awesome!


 Comment Written 29-May-2011



reply by the author on 30-May-2011
    Thanks for the warm review. I'm pleased I could entice you to read it. Larry
Comment by
GregoryC
 
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Great baseball yarn with good character development and natural, conversational dialogue. And dialogue is an important factor in supporting a narrative. Being an avid baseball fan and baseball historian, I always favor these type of stories. Nice job.

Gregory


 Comment Written 29-May-2011



reply by the author on 29-May-2011
    Thanks for the great review, Gregory. I enjoyed telling the story.
Comment by
poetbear
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I loved this as a NY Yankees fan!
Well writtena dnyour love of sport comes shining through.
It makes sense and flws well. The reader's attention is held and captured throughout the story.
Makes sense and is a must read.


 Comment Written 29-May-2011



reply by the author on 29-May-2011
    Thanks for the warm review, fellow Yankee fan!. When Andrew pitches against them, I pray he does well, gets taken out, and the Yanks win. Larry
Comment by
RebelRose
 
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I think the story as a whole is very well told. Not only is it an interesting read, but there is a lesson to be learned from it. The ending was very good also.


 Comment Written 28-May-2011



reply by the author on 28-May-2011
    Thank you for the warm review, Rose. I'm pleased you enjoyed it. Larry
Comment by
Writingfundimension
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Hi, larry. This piece is just beautiful and very touching. Your story is extremely well written and you have some truly delightful little phrases that I will enjoy repeating in my mind when I watch the Tigers play - 'fastball the size of a pea' and his 'curve screwed the batters into the ground' (brilliant). My suggestion would be to trim with an eye for a flash fiction type style and submission to a sports magazine. Good luck, my friend. Warm regards, Bev


 Comment Written 28-May-2011



reply by the author on 28-May-2011
    Thans for the warm review, Bev. I was cocerned about the length as well. When I get to a re-write I'll keeep your thought in mind. Larry

reply by Writingfundimension on 28-May-2011
    Author is always right, in my book! You're piece is also fine the way it is. Take care, Larry.
Comment by
Patrick G Cox
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Hi Larrypic11,

A very good story, longish as most magazines these days impose a 2,500 word limit. I liked the messages you've wrapped into it, they're good ones, often forgotten in our society.

The ending is a good one.

From the picture I infer that your son has a damaged elbow?

Patrick


 Comment Written 28-May-2011



reply by the author on 28-May-2011
    Thanks for the warm review, Patrick. My son is the one on the right. Andrew had Tommy John surgery during the Junior year of college. Larry
Comment by
volcomfury
 
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I could relate to the subject matter and appreciated every bit of it. This is a powerful story. I enjoyed reading this. Thanks for sharing.


 Comment Written 28-May-2011



reply by the author on 28-May-2011
    Thank you for the warm review. I'm pleased you enjoyed it. Larry
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